Name: Amy Sedaris' Imaginary Boyfriend Was Murdered | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-12-26T23:13:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Amy Sedaris' Imaginary Boyfriend Was Murdered | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Amy Sedaris' Imaginary Boyfriend Was Murdered | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-26. Transcript available.

Our first guest stars in a new motion picture entitled Strangers with Candy,
which premieres January 24th at the Sundance Film Festival.
Here's the very funny Amy Sedaris. Welcome back.
Hi, thank you.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year. I'm sorry, you're sick. You're always sick when I come.
It's like the thing, I don't know, it's like I didn't get a flu shot is the
problem.
Oh, yeah, well, you know.
But you, on the other...
I look to a lot of men.
You look terrific. Is that a brand new dress?
Well, my friend Mary Adams, who has nine and a half fingers, made it for me
last night.
It's out of an apron.
I'm sorry, nine and a half fingers?
She has nine and a half fingers. It's like a...
Wow.
Thank you.
Maybe if I do that again, you could do that, like you always do sound effects
with David Letterman.
Maybe you could do that, I mean, unless you don't want to pay attention.
Maybe Felicia could do it.
You know, do what you need to do.
I see the eyes, Paul. I see the eyes.
Were we not right on top of you? I think we were.
Yes, he was.
Right on top of you.
Yeah, that's all the guys think.
I want to get back to the woman with nine and a half fingers.
Yeah, she's fascinating.
Now, was that a sewing mishap?
It wasn't.
Ah.
Is there a story behind that, or should we just keep moving?
Yeah, there is a story behind it, but I don't remember what it is.
It's just, you know, how you're going to follow nine and a half fingers, right?
Why remember, exactly.
You save room for the tip.
Anyway, it's a lovely dress.
Thanks. Looks better on the floor, Dave.
All right. We're getting high.
I know. I know. I know.
I know.
And you look radiant, for heaven's sake.
Yeah.
Well, I have this dermatologist, Dr. Colbert, and I went to have a freckle
enlarged.
Really? A freckle enlarged?
It was like a freckle. I had to have it removed.
But anyway, he suggested he had this vacuum cleaner, and he sucked dead skin
off my face.
He said, everyone's doing it.
You know, he sucked it, and all the dead skin went into a big vacuum bag, which
I couldn't keep, and I asked.
And then, he said it's like taking the skin off a red onion.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
I've never heard.
It's like a...
I'm sure it has a name, but I...
It's like a face peel or a skin peel or something, right?
Yeah, something like that.
But he said a lot of clients have it done, but now the big thing is people are
taking fat off their bottom and putting it in their cheeks.
That's what all the, you know, people are doing now.
They do this on purpose?
They do it on purpose.
I guess it knocks 10 years.
Andy Rooney should probably have done that.
I guess it knocks like 10 years off him.
So, you load up your face with acid.
You load up...
Yeah.
That can't be good, can't it?
It cracked me up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Really?
So, what else did he say?
You wouldn't...
You don't need it.
You're wonderful.
Well, he said, Amy, no one comes to me anymore to have something like that
removed.
He was like, you know, it was a hoot for him.
Yeah.
Couldn't wait to do it.
It was great.
And nothing serious.
No serious medical problem.
It's all cosmetic.
Yeah, I guess that would be cosmetic, right?
Oh, you mean people going to see him now?
Yeah, you're right.
It's cosmetic, right.
Correct.
Yeah.
And how was...
Well, how's the rabbit?
We always talk about the rabbit.
Thanks for asking.
Dusty's doing fantastic.
You know, I had to do this thing for MTV, and we shot at an elementary school
on the east side.
And the classroom had two rabbits, and they didn't have any hay.
And as you know, I had that badge where I'd train people to kind of take care
of rabbits.
And so, the next day, I called the principal, and she let me go there and teach
a bunch of five-year-olds about rabbit care.
That's wonderful.
And so, then I had to ask, you know, are there any questions?
Like, I have a rabbit, and I'm like, oh, kids.
I don't know how you...
Anyway, I just want to say, Harry, I saw a picture of you and Harry in Out
magazine.
And I'm not kidding.
Let me tell you.
He's beautiful.
I mean, our babies look like Ed Harris, but Harry's like his skin.
Your girlfriend must be gorgeous.
Well, it's remarkable.
I don't know how it happened either.
Wow.
Well, yeah, it's like nine and a half fingers.
You've got to get that story.
And in addition to Dusty the Rabbit, so he's good, and...
Yes.
Oh, oh, your boyfriend, your imaginary boyfriend, Ricky.
How's Ricky?
Ricky.
Well, I'm grieving.
What's the matter?
I'm grieving right now.
Oh.
Do I play now?
Ricky and I were in the bathtub making love.
It was right after one of your shows.
It was Richard...
Richard Gere was on.
Anyway, we were in the tub making love,
and I found a cyst on one of his obliques,
wherever those are.
Your cysts are hilarious.
Anyway, I rushed him to St. Vincent's Hospital,
you know, because he didn't want to go,
but I made him go, and it's benign.
Yeah, that's good.
And then we got in a cab,
and he was murdered on the way home.
And I'm not allowed to talk about the case,
but I'm in the seven steps of grieving,
which is alcohol, drugs, and anonymous sex.
And so I'm in the dating pool now.
Now, let's go back a little bit.
I did...
I heard...
I mean, I understand that he's imaginary,
but a story like this,
you'd think you would have heard something about that.
Well, with Brad and Jen News,
I mean, I think it got buried in the newspaper,
but a friend of mine said
they saw him at a party last week, though.
Really?
Really?
And it was the same doctor you had.
Yeah, I saw her.
Yeah.
Right.
My God.
But I have to say,
I get recognized on the street a lot
for that 4 a.m. show,
which I never thanked you.
Oh, that's right.
I had so much fun doing that.
gave a tour of my gay neighborhood
that I live in.
How is your neighborhood now?
It's fine.
The only good thing in my neighborhood
was Lilac Chocolates, right?
And they're moving to Hudson and Jane.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's bad for you?
Well, yeah.
I'm always there every day.
Now, a couple blocks makes a difference.
Yeah.
But now, you know,
they're going to turn into a lesbian bar
called Lickety Splits.
It took me a long time
to come up with that name.
Lickety Splits.
Yeah.
Yeah, we...
Yeah.
Big fat, fat lesbian bar.
Fat people.
Fat.
Fat fatties.
Five drink minimum.
No, it'll be nice.
Five drink minimum.
Yeah, sure.
Now, let's...
I mentioned here in the opening
that the Strangers with a Candy...
This isn't like a big deal
is going to the Sundance Film Festival.
Yeah.
Now, that's like a...
Is that a big deal, the Sundance Film...
We always hear about it.
I've never been that excited.
I would love to go.
I'd like to...
It's probably beautiful there.
Maybe we should get tickets for two.
All right.
Yes.
Well, your company, Roy Pants,
was foolish enough to give me
and Baldwin-L and Stephen Colbert money
to do a movie version
of the canceled hit series,
Strangers with Candy.
Right.
And, yeah, we got into Sundance.
That's exciting for you.
Isn't that exciting, yeah?
What will you do there?
Oh, I guess...
I guess you have to show it
and it's going to be hard.
It's a lot of, you know,
talking to a lot of people
and schmoozing and stuff.
I'm not very good at that kind of thing.
Right.
But maybe if I have a uniform
and a big blow-up briefcase
and treated it like a job,
it would be okay.
Oh, that would be good, yeah.
And grieving and all, you know.
I don't know.
It might be tough, but we'll see.
It would be hard on you.
It would be really hard.
It's really, really tough.
Yeah, and you're always very good
with crafts and activities and so forth.
Activities.
Do you have any new business?
I do.
I have a cheese ball business.
Cheese ball business?
Yes.
And I've been making them
and bringing them to Gourmet Garage.
What is a cheese ball exactly?
What we do.
It's cream cheese, smoked Gouda,
butter, steak A1 sauce,
which is vegetarian,
a little milk from Pathway,
and then you put it in a form of a ball,
you roll it in crushed nuts,
and you spread it on a Ritz.
Right.
And they're big.
Besides, bigger than a tumor,
but, you know, great.
And then, so I've been making them
and bringing them to Gourmet Garage,
and they've been selling out, you know.
Well, sure, if they're bigger than a tumor.
Yeah, four at a time.
You can snatch those things up left and right.
I used to work at Gourmet Garage,
and I quit because they made me wear a baseball cap.
They sell a hairnet, but a baseball cap.
My head's too small.
I see.
But I still keep in touch with them,
and they're great.
So you took the cheese balls into the Gourmet Garage.
That's where they're selling.
Right.
I sold out both times.
I brought four in,
but they look suspicious.
I know, but I was so excited.
I was like, good night, you know.
To Ricky and everything.
But anyway, I wrapped them in, you know,
secrets and cellophane.
Plastic wrap, whatever, yeah.
In our country, cellophane.
And made my own label.
You can see hair underneath the label,
but no expiration date.
Real suspicious.
Yeah.
But how exciting.
You've got your popcorn company.
That is, is, is.
Yeah, but nobody will buy it.
Well, you know why?
Because you're limiting your audience,
because it's just for people with microwaves.
Oh.
See, you can't, you don't need a microwave for a cheese ball.
I thought, well, no, you don't.
But how much do they weigh?
Oh, that.
Well, it doesn't float, if that's what you mean.
No.
I don't.
So this would be great.
This might take off,
and then you have like a whole second thing going on.
Yeah, I'm really excited about that.
And what do they go for, a cheese ball?
I have, I keep pricing whatever number comes into my head.
We haven't nailed it.
I'm going to get their kitchen to make them,
because it didn't look very presentable.
I see, I see.
Yeah.
And is there a cheese ball season,
or are they just wonderful all year round?
Well, they're great in the summer, on the beach.
Yeah, they are.
More in cold, cold temperatures.
Can you imagine?
They pick up a lot of sand.
On the sand, on the stick.
Go to the beach, pick up a cheese ball.
Maybe you'll order one sometime.
I think I will.
I mean, you know, when you mentioned
that they're bigger than a tumor,
my mouth started watering.
Yeah.
All right, so here now, good luck out there.
January 24th, that's just around the corner.
Yes, thank you.
It'll be great.
All right, well, let us know what happens.
There you go, Amy Ceneres, ladies and gentlemen.