Name: Fan Request: Dave's "Plucked Ostrich" Paparazzi Story | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-12-30T15:58:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fan Request: Dave's "Plucked Ostrich" Paparazzi Story | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fan Request: Dave's "Plucked Ostrich" Paparazzi Story | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-30. Transcript available.

it's uh i had something uh wonderful happen to me today i'll just take a minute
here to
share it with people i mean when something when something wonderful first of
all let me tell you
a little bit about my life i have i have it's it occurred to me a couple of
years ago i have an
unusual life for a long time i just thought well we're all pretty much like me
well god forbid we're
not and uh but i have an odd life and you know when i wake up every day is like
uh like i've
been abducted and taken to disney world just every day just every day you just
never know you know
and and and also i've discovered over the last few years i'm my own worst enemy
i'm my own worst enemy
here let me tell you what but listen this has a glorious ending so don't
despair by the time we're
done and and i hope just i hope to god we have enough tape for this story by
the time something
wonderful and lovely happens so so here's the deal now uh uh i i like to
exercise and and when i
exercise i run now uh well that's kind of a euphemism now but it's still that's
what i try to do
and uh and and i don't i don't know if you're like me in this regard but i don't
i don't like being
photographed while i'm while i'm running you know i don't maybe people like
being photographed while
they're exercising i don't for for two reasons uh one you're just out there and
you kind of you know
you like to sweat and smell bad and you're thinking of stuff and and that's you
know you like to be
alone and number two when i run i look like a plucked ostrich so i don't
so so now like a year ago i'm i'm out running and i and i run down to this
track and i'm running and
when i go out i'm no piker i'm out there for at least an hour i'm doing like
anywhere between five
and seven seven and a half eight miles so i'm out there running good gentlemen
you know so i can go
down there and i'm running around the track and and i see a guy with a camera
now it's not like a
tourist it's not like somebody from des moines this is one of those guys and so
and so i run up to the
guy and i say uh what are you doing and he says well i'm taking your picture
and i said well i would
rather you don't take my picture because i look like a plucked ostrich yeah and
so he and i get into
a little bit of a tussle and he says well you know this is my job and he says
you're a celebrity and i
can take all the pictures you want now i realize now okay this is a
professional it's more or less a
public place there's not much i can do about this you see i mean he's doing
what he can do legally
i can't do a thing so i came upon a little strategy and it's it's a two-part
loudly and intently i scream
obscenities at the guy i i get as close to him as i can and i'm screaming obscenities
to the guy and
the first reason i do this is because i want to make the experience as
uncomfortable for him
as he is making it for me for you and and don't kid yourself i've had pretty
good luck with this
strategy now the wait a minute now the second reason i do this when i scream
the obscenities
at these guys while they're taking my picture the second reason and god forgive
me i find it enormously
satisfying so and then i always throw a little thing how would you like it if i
took your picture
if i followed you around all day and took your picture where do you live i'm
coming to your house
let me take your picture would you like that you know and they always play dumb
well i don't care you
can take your picture of me if you want i don't care what do i carry because
they don't get it you
know they got their job to do and i say so this is like a year ago and these
pictures are published i
guess and i got reports from zoos across the country oh my god where can we get
us a plucked ostrich
anyway so now this morning i'm out running i'm going out and i decide okay i'm
going on a long run
and you go down the highway and you go down like a mile and a half and you make
a right hand turn
and you go another mile and a half and you make another right hand so you know
i'm more or less
three miles from home and i make the the third right turn and there's a car
sitting right there and i
think to myself i wonder if this is somebody who wants to take a picture of me
running you know
you think that way because over the years sometimes it happens and again these
these aren't tourists you
know these aren't folks who come to see the show these are professional
photographers so i run oh sure
enough look look at there it's the same guy from a year before same guy so i
said hey oh hey well i
thought we talked about this that's what i said to him and uh and then he gets
right out of the car and
immediately i start screaming obscenities at him what the hell are you doing
you get back in the car
leave me alone i got insane well it's my job i'm sorry it's my job i said i don't
care i said you don't
have to do this and blah blah blah and we're yakking back and forth and and i'm
as i'm screaming because
i've been running there's a great deal of spittle has accumulated and i'm now
soaking the poor kid in
the uh and he says hey stop spitting on me and i said i said okay how about
this you stop taking
pictures i'll stop spitting on you i thought there's a that'll hold up and
forth
are you enjoying this so far yeah it's fascinating so far anyway okay so i i
said to the guy i said
what's your name and he says it's chris and i said oh yeah chris and and i'll
just and you've got to
believe me these are probably very nice people but from my perspective they're
goons at this point yeah
but they're they're probably lovely people they probably do volunteer work in
the community work
at hospices they're probably great of course but you know when there's one
situation i'm screaming
upset it's it's like when a manager goes out to argue with the umpire that's
exactly what this
sure so now as i'm yakking it up with chris and he's a nice enough kid you know
got like a jar head
with tiny eyes and and and i see i see that he's got he's got like a buddy got
like a buddy with him
in the car and and right away and i'm not as stupid as i look i'm thinking you
know this ain't a two-man
job that's what is what i'm thinking to take pictures of me running that you
don't need two guys
so the other guy gets out and honest to god you know and again he's probably a
very nice man but
he looks like a side of beef in a parka so
uh i i said and i said and you i said what's what's your part in all of this
and he starts now he
started basically oh you know i just want to come out and i like to see you you
know it's pretty
impressive see a guy your age running like this well now that pisses me off
that pisses me off
and so he says he says you know i couldn't he said hell i couldn't i couldn't
even run a mile and
i said great you'd be a wonderful photographer i'm thinking oh that's oh i got
a zinger in there on that
one so it continues and they won't stop and it's just click click click click
click click click click
click click click click click click click click and suddenly i'm more
photographed than the statue of
liberty i just like a thousand pictures of me and it's chris and his buddy beefy
and they're just yakking
away and i'm screaming as loud as i can because in the back of my mind i think
sooner or later somebody
will come out of their house and say leave him alone stop that leave that boy
alone but nothing happens
so now uh chris says to me he says wait do you see what we're going to do with
these pictures
and i said oh what do you have planned chris and he said we're going to make
you look really bad we're
going to make you look very very bad we're going to show people that you're not
a very nice guy
so this kind of gets your attention and i said i said well exactly how do you
plan on doing that and
now when i say that beefy doubles over with laughter and he says i'm wearing a
tape recorder we have
everything you've said on tape ah so i think to myself well the boys have got
me over a barrel now
here's here's here's kind of a sticky situation because for like you know 40
minutes i've been
screaming obscenities at them
so i'm thinking to myself uh geez we need something good here we need a little
thing here we got to have
a little uh we got to have a little button we got a little fix a little topper
we got a little ender
on this thing but how do we exactly get out of this i'm thinking to myself and
i look over and there's
there's their car and of course when they left out of the car they left the
engine running and the doors
so uh i go over to the car i kind of bend inside i find the ignition i turn off
the car remove the
keys now i have the keys and now he's taking pictures of me with his keys and
and he says oh
he says this is a police matter this is a police matter and and he gets out he
gets out his little
cell phone and i said be my guest call the police i said what what really are
the police gonna do you
you guys can't get your car keys away from me that's the problem you can't take
your car keys
away from a plucked ostrich you and beefy can't get your keys back you're gonna
call the police and
tell them that so he says he says breaking and entering breaking and entering
breaking and entering
and i said hey dumb ass the doors are wide open and and and by the way i'll
take my chances with breaking and entering
and at that point i put the keys in my pocket and i continued running and i
want to tell you
for one brief shining moment ladies and gentlemen i felt like clint eastwood
yeah i felt
so you see how that goes and is that the end of the story i want to know what
happened after that
well what happens after that i run for a while and i think well i got these
guys car keys and they're
back there oh hey record this boys yeah really uh so i run a while and i just
toss the car car keys
into the street and then of course they retrieve it and then as i'm finishing
up my run they come by
and now i'm like joe frazier doing road work yes uh beefy is at the wheel and
chris is hanging out the
back and so now they have 4 000 pictures of me and and of course the lovely
soundtrack so
well we'll look forward to that then we will look forward to that
but i'm telling you man when i had those car keys i just felt like yeah here we
go
yeah you know it's pretty impressive to see you out here running especially at
your age
you