Name: Viewer Mail: Dave Gets Into A Knife Fight | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-01-05T15:56:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Dave Gets Into A Knife Fight | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Dave Gets Into A Knife Fight | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-05. Transcript available.

Now, let's get to it.
Thursday night is the night that we answer
our voluminous viewer mail that has been accumulating
for the past seven days.
Let's get right to it, shall we?
Letter number one begins,
Dear Dave, why don't you ever shoot off the confetti
when someone is actually sitting in the chair
just wondering, Linda Guds.
Peterborough, Ontario, well, actually, Ms. Guds.
You know, we've just never thought about
shooting off the confetti cannon
with somebody sitting here in that guest chair,
but as with all of our new ideas,
we should test this one out first
to make sure there is no problem with it.
Is there somebody back there
who can help me test out the confetti cannon?
Oh, hi, how are you? Nice to see you.
Hi.
That's great. What is your name, sir?
Trey Preston.
Trey, where are you from, sir?
I'm Greenwich Village.
Oh, right here in town.
Right, that's where I live.
And you're what, an actor?
Well, actually, I'm an actor-singer.
Actor-singer, okay, great.
And you understand what we're going to do.
We have these confetti cannons.
We're going to fire one off.
There's usually no one sitting there
when we fire them off.
We just want to see what's happening.
Sure.
Okay, all right.
So you just get ready,
and I'll just go ahead and have a little drum roll.
Okay, here comes the...
There we go.
Okay.
What the hell?
He choked to death.
Oh, my God, Paul.
Oh, the actor-singer, look.
Some kind of densely-wadded material
must have hit him in the back of the head there.
Is he all right, Paul?
He's dead!
Oh, no.
The actor-singer is dead!
Oh, no.
Oh, dang, that's a horrible dream.
It's happened again.
This kid, this kid had a wonderful future
of acting, singing ahead of him.
He cut down on network.
He got hit in the back of the head.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What's the matter?
Wait, maybe he's not dead.
Maybe we can see it.
Come here.
He's rousing himself.
Let's get him over to the band area.
See it, help me.
Oh, thank God he's not dead.
Maybe we can save him.
He's not dead.
He's scurrying.
That's a load off my mind.
He's scurrying lay him down over here.
Yeah.
Come on, baby.
Live.
Live, baby.
Live.
Live.
Everything all right, Paul?
I often walk down this street before...
Dave, he's coming around.
Oh, good.
Okay.
He's coming around.
He's going to make it.
Oh, good.
You go ahead with the rest of your mail.
Thank you.
He's not dead.
Boy, what an emotional rollercoaster it's been here.
So, I mean, down so low and now our hopes are soaring again.
But he's not dead.
Thank you, Paul.
Yeah.
And a fine piece of acting, by the way.
That's just a hint of what you're going to see on a little show called Saturday
Night Live.
All right.
This Saturday.
All right.
11.30.
Okay.
Well, get your own actor-singer.
Letter number two.
Dear Dave, for Christmas, my wife gave me a late-night T-shirt.
Well, after just a few washings, the armpit ripped and the collar stretched,
the logo faded,
and it shrunk so much that my cat couldn't even fit into it.
I am totally disgusted that a big name like you has the nerve to promote such
garbage without thinking twice.
Robert Edmonds, Toronto, California.
Toronto, Canada.
I'm sorry.
Toronto, Canada.
You know, it's obvious from your letter, Robert, that you didn't read the care
label on the shirt.
Here, let me show you.
I got one of these shirts right here.
It's kind of a late-night shirt there.
See right there on the care label?
That should give you all the information you need.
Will.
Oh, it's your own.
By the way, if you did buy one of these things, they pretty much are tissue.
I'm sorry about it.
It's just, it's crap, but they're being replaced, so.
But that's NBC.
Is it any wonder this network is in third place?
Huh?
They're what?
Oh, number one.
We're number one.
Paul, how is that actor-singer doing, by the way?
The sun will come out tomorrow.
Much better, Dave.
Bet your bottom line.
He was shaken up pretty badly, but I think he'll make it.
Oh, good.
They'll be sun.
Oh, that's great.
That's good to hear.
Okay, so the actor-singer is doing much better.
He's going to make it, yeah.
As of this writing.
Okay.
Letter number three.
Dave, does late-night recycle anything?
I bet you have a lot of stuff that gets carelessly tossed out.
All those cards you throw at the windows behind you.
Why don't you start becoming more environmentally responsible
and conserve our natural resources?
Shireen Rothman, Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Don't recycle anything, huh, Shireen?
Haven't you been listening to the opening jokes?
Yes, it's all form, no substance TV.
Paul, how's the actor-singer doing now?
Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match.
Dave, it seems like a miracle.
He's made a complete recovery.
It's all they're making me sick.
Thank you.
Okay.
Well, again, good news from the actor-singer.
Letter number four.
Greetings.
Last January 86, I had the extreme pleasure of going on an NBC tour at 30 Rock.
Not only was the tour itself thorough, or through the building, rather,
it's been fun and informative, but I met a wonderful young man on the tour,
and he and I met, hit it off, and are now involved.
Well, NBC not only brings me David Letterman, it also brought me John, my
Valentine.
That's cute.
Margaret Bunyan, Bronx, New York.
Well, that's great, Margaret.
Congratulations.
Maybe this would be a good time to take a look at that promotional film
concerning the NBC tour.
How can we roll that film so folks can get a look at it?
This is really nice that Margaret writes into it.
Love
Exciting
Come aboard
We're expecting you
And love
Life's sweetest reward
NBC tour
Soon we'll be making another one
NBC tour
Promises something for you
Okay, letter number five.
Paul, where is the actor-singer?
I don't see him.
Well, he's dead, Dave.
He's dead?
Yeah.
We, uh, we had to kill him.
He was just about to start one of those big Rodgers and Hammerstein medleys.
Oh, okay.
Well, I understand.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
Okay.
Yeah, there's eight million stories here in the Naked City.
Letter number five.
Paul, oh, where's the actor-singer?
We just did that, didn't we?
Dear Dave.
Dear Dave.
You live in New York.
Has anyone ever accosted you with a large gun or knife against your will?
If so, what did you do?
If not, what would you do?
Just wondering what Dave would do.
Grant Lawrence, West Vancouver, British Columbia.
Let's see.
You know, there was an incident.
Or no, maybe it was an episode.
No, no, it was an incident.
And I remember it.
Gosh, it seems like it was only a couple of weeks ago.
This should be a pretty good movie.
It's the same people who did the, uh...
All right, I'll take the wallet.
Better do it, Dave.
He's got a knife.
That's not a knife, pal.
This is a knife.
That little thing.
This is a knife.
That's not a knife.
This is a knife.
I got bigger knives than that.
Dave, we're going to miss the beginning of the movie.
Look, he can have my wallet.
Okay, look.
One more second, all right?
I'll be right with you, Spotty.
Now, look.
This is a knife.
That's not a knife.
Well, the heck it isn't.
Look, let me show you.
I don't know anything about cutlery, but that was comedy.
Okay, let's get on with the show tonight.
From Columbus, Jack Hanna.
He and the animals will be with us in a couple of minutes,
so come on back, folks.
Thank you.
Thank you.