Name: Sally Field Wants Dave To Stop Kissing Her Ass | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-02-06T23:16:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sally Field Wants Dave To Stop Kissing Her Ass | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sally Field Wants Dave To Stop Kissing Her Ass | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-06. Transcript available.

Our first guest is a two-time Academy Award winner up until right now.
This is going to work just great.
Her most recent films, Mrs. Doubtfire and Forrest Gump, have earned over a zillion
dollars.
Her miniseries, A Woman of Independent Means, debuts February 19th.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the program Mrs. Gump herself,
Sally Field.
How are you, Sally?
The crowd goes crazy.
I know, I know. Thank you. That's nice.
Let's talk a little bit about the weather.
You, I believe, and correct me if I'm wrong, are originally from Southern
California?
Yes, I am.
Born and reared there?
Yes, yes. Born in Pasadena.
Yeah.
Raised in the San Fernando Valley.
Well, that's nice. It's a good life for a kid, isn't it?
Well, yeah.
But when was the first time you saw an actual snowfall?
Oh, my God, that's a good question. You know that, Jane?
Let me think.
Now, I saw it on the ground.
Yeah, right, but an actual snowfall.
I mean, it actually came out of the sky.
What did we have here tonight?
You know, I think I was a grown-up.
Uh-huh. Oh, so then you were a little deprived something of your childhood
missing there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I was, you know, in my 20s.
Well, yeah, that was a great question, wasn't it?
Snowfall.
Yeah, yeah, it was during the panty raid, actually.
Yeah, it was a panty raid, and it was snowing, and I'll never forget it.
It was wonderful.
Did you ever forget?
I gave away all my pants.
Whoa!
I'm not aware of anything.
Now, did you ever participate in that kind of foolishness?
No, no, no, I never did.
I was doing the flying nun at the time.
Oh.
Now, when you did that, and forgive me here, but you started out, you were Gidget
for a
while, all right?
Yeah.
How long were you Gidget?
You know, you asked me this question last time, too, and I remember what I
answered,
in my heart, always.
Well, that's all we want now.
Shall I say that again?
Yeah, what?
In my heart, always.
In your heart, always.
No, I was Gidget.
I was actually Gidget for 36 episodes.
Uh-huh.
How did you get that job?
Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha.
All right, all right, say no more.
I know.
I read and tested and read and tested and read and tested.
Yeah.
And then, and then you went on to become the flying nun shortly thereafter.
Now, not at the time, maybe, but looking back on it now, those are two kind of
jobs that
might have suggested less than a stellar future and great career.
You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
A lot of people might not have been able to go on to be other things than the
flying
nun and Gidget.
That's true.
Were you concerned about that at the time?
No.
I, I, I, I wasn't really concerned about it at the time.
I, I, I knew, I knew I had other things ahead of me.
I knew that someday I would see snow falling from the sky.
I was going nowhere fast.
Um, but when you were the flying nun, and that was like two years, right?
And the deal on that.
Oh, no, that was three.
Three years.
The deal on that was you were a woman, a, a novice?
Were you a full?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was, I was, the, the whole deal on that was, I was little.
I was very little.
Tiny, yeah.
Tiny little person.
Right.
And that's what I am, is a very small person.
Sure, sure.
Makes perfect sense.
And it was supposed to be that those, uh, the French cornets that they had,
that, you
know, that one like that, it would lift me, and I would fly because I was so
little.
That's right.
And the wind would come.
Yeah, and you would just go all over the world.
All over.
Just wherever I wanted.
Solving crimes.
Whenever I wanted.
Now, did you, did you have to make like public appearances dressed as the flag?
Oh, well, I tried not.
There, there, oh, my goodness.
Yes.
There's this one story.
Now, I actually, I can't, I don't think I've ever told this story before, so.
All right.
Don't tell anybody, all right?
All right.
No worries.
Get up really close to the sets now, kids.
There was this one time, you're doing award shows, I mean, award shows are
coming up.
What was it?
What was the award show?
This was, I believe it was the second, uh, Golden Globes.
Golden Globes.
It ever was.
And it was held at the, uh, Coconut Grove.
And it was the second year.
It's a hotel kind of thing in Los Angeles?
No, you remember the famous Coconut Grove.
No, I really don't, no.
All I remember, no.
Well, it, it was this big old posh Hollywood thing.
It was a landmark.
Yeah.
And they tore it down, of course, but, um, this was the second year of the
Flying
None and I was trying very hard to learn to say no to things because I was like
opening
supermarkets and I was being used to death and I was tired.
And so they, they, they had this really good idea and they said they wanted me
to fly across
the Coconut Grove over the heads of all these fabulous famous people and
present best newcomer
award.
Well, I, you know, I'd gotten to the point where I, I, I was really working on
saying no.
So I said no to the outfit.
I said, I said, no, I would not wear the Flying None outfit.
So I flew across the Coconut Grove wearing a pink taffeta culotte outfit.
So it, it made no sense.
It makes, exactly right.
So instead of being the Flying None, it really was Sally Field in a pink taffeta
culotte outfit.
Across the parking lot.
And I had like little ringlets all over my head.
I don't know who, who I thought I was.
Was it, was it well-received, this entrance?
Oh, well, I'll tell you how well-received it was.
There it was, John Wayne, the late John Wayne, on the stage about to receive me
going 35 miles
an hour.
Because we hadn't rehearsed this because I had said no to that too.
Oh, well.
So I remember Mr. Wayne looking at me and going, this look, and this big man
sort of like planting
himself.
And I hit that man, I'm not exaggerating, going about 35.
And he, you know, he sort of received me and he held me there because what else
was he going
to do?
Yeah.
So here I am in my pink taffeta culotte outfit.
God forbid someone should see up my dress, you know, it probably would have
been the greatest
thing that ever happened to me.
At that point in my life, I hadn't even seen snow come out of this guy.
So Mr. Wayne held me in his arms and I presented the best newcomer award to
Dustin Hoffman for
the graduate.
Oh my God.
Now this is...
Oh yeah, that was wonderful.
Yeah, that's amazing.
While being held by John Wayne, here you are, here's, you know.
Now are you still, are you still, are you off the ground now?
You're not, you haven't landed yet.
Way off the ground because he was a very big man.
And so then the award's over, congratulations to Dustin Hoffman.
And he sits down and Mr. Wayne goes to put me down and leave, except my feet
don't touch
the ground.
So I have to take my shoes off to do it.
My feet don't touch the ground.
And I'm going.
You're still just hung there.
I'm hung there.
That's no good.
So I say, oh, Mr. Wayne, oh, Mr. Wayne.
And I have a hold of his jacket, the very tail end of his jacket.
Oh, Mr. Wayne, oh, Mr. Wayne.
Man, that's funny.
I don't know why I didn't shoot myself after that.
No, but that's the kind of great stuff that you remember later on.
You don't have a good laugh about it, don't you think?
Yeah, well, yeah.
You know, we have a snowball.
Do me a favor, throw it at the band.
Really?
Don't throw it.
If you want, you don't have to.
But don't throw it at the audience because, well, the audience will throw it
back.
And they won't throw it back at you.
They'll throw it back at me.
You don't have to.
But over there, if you want to.
If you don't, we'll just put it away.
We got a ton of them here.
I feel like I'm being handed some moral decision here.
Well, yes, in a certain way you are.
Do you want to throw that at the band or not?
That's my decision.
There we go.
Oh, she's digging in.
Look out.
Yeah.
Good shot.
No, it wasn't admitted.
Well, for your first time.
Yeah, all right.
Well, you can hang around after the show in Pelton.
Okay.
All right?
Practice.
It's nice of you to come back on the program.
Oh, thank you.
Was it okay?
Were you comfortable after the first time around?
Actually, I had a very good time, but I felt very bad for you.
Actually, I was going to write you a letter.
Really?
Yes, because right after I did the show, they wrote all these articles about
you saying,
What a shame you'd gone so soft.
You'd lost that edge, that ever-famous, fabulous edge.
Yeah.
And then they used me as the example.
No.
Yeah.
That I had been too nice to you.
Yeah, that you'd been too nice to me and I felt really bad.
And I was going to write you this letter that said,
You could kiss my butt anytime you like.
But then that didn't sound right.
Whoa.
Well, you know, so to speak.
Yeah.
But then I'm back here now and I just want to say that you can go ahead and be
mean.
Well, I have no reason to be mean to you.
Well, you can be.
Don't be afraid.
You see, for like 12 years, people said that I was mean to the guests.
Well, no sharp and edge.
Yeah, but I never really felt that I was mean to them unless they caused
trouble.
You know, it's like, you know, if there was trouble, then I'd put an end to it.
Somebody has to.
You know what I mean?
I see.
So you mean, if I were giving you some trouble, you'd put an end to it?
Well, no, no, of course not.
But I have no reason to be mean to you now.
I had no reason to be mean to you then.
So I have no idea what they were talking about.
Well, I don't know either.
Well, we could call them.
That's another great question, wasn't it?
See, they're going to write about you now.
They're going to say you were soft.
You went nowhere with it.
No, you said you said that.
Screw them.
Who needs them?
Now.
Something occurred to me the other day.
You were in this movie.
Man, these movies.
Mrs. Doubtfire.
Yeah, Mrs. Doubtfire.
And then for Mrs. Doubtfire with Robin Williams.
Bang!
Bam!
You go right into Mrs. Gump.
Yeah.
For Forrest Gump's mother with Tom Hanks.
And I'm thinking to myself, this is interesting.
And I guess it's more than a little tribute to you and your abilities as a thespian.
You played Robin Williams' wife.
Yeah.
Wife.
And Robin Williams and Tom Hanks are about the same age, roughly.
Yes.
And then you also played his mother.
Yes.
So that's a real good range of characters, don't you think?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it is.
I think Tom next time is going to play my mother as kind of a combination of
both movies.
You see?
Do people come up to you and talk to you about Forrest Gump?
Because this thing has just taken over the world, hasn't it?
Yeah, it's kind of taken over the world.
Sort of, they do.
A lot of people ask me, do I have sayings that I've lived by?
Gump-isms.
Gump-isms.
Because Mama always said, life is like a box of chocolates.
Yeah, and stupid is as stupid does.
Yeah, right.
And she's sort of the instigator of all of those gump-isms.
That's right.
So do you have some that you can shoot back to people when they come up to you?
No.
No.
Right down there.
Yeah, right down there.
No gump-isms.
All right.
Your television show...
Do you?
No, I don't.
In fact, I can only remember the one.
Stupid is as stupid does.
Uh-huh.
And life is like a box of chocolates.
To me, that's it.
That's plenty.
Yeah.
That's all you need.
What do you think they pretty much...
That's all I need.
Tell us about the TV show.
When does it come on now?
Is it next week?
I don't know.
No, I...
I got it right here, Sally.
Debutt is February 19th.
Two weeks.
In two weeks.
Two weeks.
It's like a six-hour miniseries.
It's a six-hour miniseries.
Yeah.
And it's, um...
Uh, let's see.
What's it?
A woman of independent means.
It's a woman of independent means.
Am I giving you a hard time?
Don't make me turn your lights out.
I can take it.
I've been around.
I know you can.
Now, we have to go here.
And once again, I want to thank you for your time.
It was great fun.
I had more fun this time than the last time.
Where are we going?
Well, we have to do a commercial.
Oh.
You've seen television, right?
I say life is like a box of chocolates.
Yes.
Okay, well.
You never know what you're doing yet.
Exactly.
You want to heave another one at the boys or not?
Yeah, you do this.
There you go.
Look out.
Here we go.
Balls.
Balls taking up.
Now, don't.
There you go.
Right over there.
Here we go.
Yeah.
Very nice.
Sally Field, ladies and gentlemen.
Great shot.
Thank you very much, Sally.
Nice to see you again.

Sally Field Wants Dave To Stop Kissing Her Ass | Letterman

Our first guest is a two-time Academy Award winner up until right now.
This is going to work just great.
Her most recent films, Mrs. Doubtfire and Forrest Gump, have earned over a zillion
dollars.
Her miniseries, A Woman of Independent Means, debuts February 19th.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the program Mrs. Gump herself,
Sally Field.
How are you, Sally?
The crowd goes crazy.
I know, I know. Thank you. That's nice.
Let's talk a little bit about the weather.
You, I believe, and correct me if I'm wrong, are originally from Southern
California?
Yes, I am.
Born and reared there?
Yes, yes. Born in Pasadena.
Yeah.
Raised in the San Fernando Valley.
Well, that's nice. It's a good life for a kid, isn't it?
Well, yeah.
But when was the first time you saw an actual snowfall?
Oh, my God, that's a good question. You know that, Jane?
Let me think.
Now, I saw it on the ground.
Yeah, right, but an actual snowfall.
I mean, it actually came out of the sky.
What did we have here tonight?
You know, I think I was a grown-up.
Uh-huh. Oh, so then you were a little deprived something of your childhood
missing there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I was, you know, in my 20s.
Well, yeah, that was a great question, wasn't it?
Snowfall.
Yeah, yeah, it was during the panty raid, actually.
Yeah, it was a panty raid, and it was snowing, and I'll never forget it.
It was wonderful.
Did you ever forget?
I gave away all my pants.
Whoa!
I'm not aware of anything.
Now, did you ever participate in that kind of foolishness?
No, no, no, I never did.
I was doing the flying nun at the time.
Oh.
Now, when you did that, and forgive me here, but you started out, you were Gidget
for a
while, all right?
Yeah.
How long were you Gidget?
You know, you asked me this question last time, too, and I remember what I
answered,
in my heart, always.
Well, that's all we want now.
Shall I say that again?
Yeah, what?
In my heart, always.
In your heart, always.
No, I was Gidget.
I was actually Gidget for 36 episodes.
Uh-huh.
How did you get that job?
Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha.
All right, all right, say no more.
I know.
I read and tested and read and tested and read and tested.
Yeah.
And then, and then you went on to become the flying nun shortly thereafter.
Now, not at the time, maybe, but looking back on it now, those are two kind of
jobs that
might have suggested less than a stellar future and great career.
You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
A lot of people might not have been able to go on to be other things than the
flying
nun and Gidget.
That's true.
Were you concerned about that at the time?
No.
I, I, I, I wasn't really concerned about it at the time.
I, I, I knew, I knew I had other things ahead of me.
I knew that someday I would see snow falling from the sky.
I was going nowhere fast.
Um, but when you were the flying nun, and that was like two years, right?
And the deal on that.
Oh, no, that was three.
Three years.
The deal on that was you were a woman, a, a novice?
Were you a full?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was, I was, the, the whole deal on that was, I was little.
I was very little.
Tiny, yeah.
Tiny little person.
Right.
And that's what I am, is a very small person.
Sure, sure.
Makes perfect sense.
And it was supposed to be that those, uh, the French cornets that they had,
that, you
know, that one like that, it would lift me, and I would fly because I was so
little.
That's right.
And the wind would come.
Yeah, and you would just go all over the world.
All over.
Just wherever I wanted.
Solving crimes.
Whenever I wanted.
Now, did you, did you have to make like public appearances dressed as the flag?
Oh, well, I tried not.
There, there, oh, my goodness.
Yes.
There's this one story.
Now, I actually, I can't, I don't think I've ever told this story before, so.
All right.
Don't tell anybody, all right?
All right.
No worries.
Get up really close to the sets now, kids.
There was this one time, you're doing award shows, I mean, award shows are
coming up.
What was it?
What was the award show?
This was, I believe it was the second, uh, Golden Globes.
Golden Globes.
It ever was.
And it was held at the, uh, Coconut Grove.
And it was the second year.
It's a hotel kind of thing in Los Angeles?
No, you remember the famous Coconut Grove.
No, I really don't, no.
All I remember, no.
Well, it, it was this big old posh Hollywood thing.
It was a landmark.
Yeah.
And they tore it down, of course, but, um, this was the second year of the
Flying
None and I was trying very hard to learn to say no to things because I was like
opening
supermarkets and I was being used to death and I was tired.
And so they, they, they had this really good idea and they said they wanted me
to fly across
the Coconut Grove over the heads of all these fabulous famous people and
present best newcomer
award.
Well, I, you know, I'd gotten to the point where I, I, I was really working on
saying no.
So I said no to the outfit.
I said, I said, no, I would not wear the Flying None outfit.
So I flew across the Coconut Grove wearing a pink taffeta culotte outfit.
So it, it made no sense.
It makes, exactly right.
So instead of being the Flying None, it really was Sally Field in a pink taffeta
culotte outfit.
Across the parking lot.
And I had like little ringlets all over my head.
I don't know who, who I thought I was.
Was it, was it well-received, this entrance?
Oh, well, I'll tell you how well-received it was.
There it was, John Wayne, the late John Wayne, on the stage about to receive me
going 35 miles
an hour.
Because we hadn't rehearsed this because I had said no to that too.
Oh, well.
So I remember Mr. Wayne looking at me and going, this look, and this big man
sort of like planting
himself.
And I hit that man, I'm not exaggerating, going about 35.
And he, you know, he sort of received me and he held me there because what else
was he going
to do?
Yeah.
So here I am in my pink taffeta culotte outfit.
God forbid someone should see up my dress, you know, it probably would have
been the greatest
thing that ever happened to me.
At that point in my life, I hadn't even seen snow come out of this guy.
So Mr. Wayne held me in his arms and I presented the best newcomer award to
Dustin Hoffman for
the graduate.
Oh my God.
Now this is...
Oh yeah, that was wonderful.
Yeah, that's amazing.
While being held by John Wayne, here you are, here's, you know.
Now are you still, are you still, are you off the ground now?
You're not, you haven't landed yet.
Way off the ground because he was a very big man.
And so then the award's over, congratulations to Dustin Hoffman.
And he sits down and Mr. Wayne goes to put me down and leave, except my feet
don't touch
the ground.
So I have to take my shoes off to do it.
My feet don't touch the ground.
And I'm going.
You're still just hung there.
I'm hung there.
That's no good.
So I say, oh, Mr. Wayne, oh, Mr. Wayne.
And I have a hold of his jacket, the very tail end of his jacket.
Oh, Mr. Wayne, oh, Mr. Wayne.
Man, that's funny.
I don't know why I didn't shoot myself after that.
No, but that's the kind of great stuff that you remember later on.
You don't have a good laugh about it, don't you think?
Yeah, well, yeah.
You know, we have a snowball.
Do me a favor, throw it at the band.
Really?
Don't throw it.
If you want, you don't have to.
But don't throw it at the audience because, well, the audience will throw it
back.
And they won't throw it back at you.
They'll throw it back at me.
You don't have to.
But over there, if you want to.
If you don't, we'll just put it away.
We got a ton of them here.
I feel like I'm being handed some moral decision here.
Well, yes, in a certain way you are.
Do you want to throw that at the band or not?
That's my decision.
There we go.
Oh, she's digging in.
Look out.
Yeah.
Good shot.
No, it wasn't admitted.
Well, for your first time.
Yeah, all right.
Well, you can hang around after the show in Pelton.
Okay.
All right?
Practice.
It's nice of you to come back on the program.
Oh, thank you.
Was it okay?
Were you comfortable after the first time around?
Actually, I had a very good time, but I felt very bad for you.
Actually, I was going to write you a letter.
Really?
Yes, because right after I did the show, they wrote all these articles about
you saying,
What a shame you'd gone so soft.
You'd lost that edge, that ever-famous, fabulous edge.
Yeah.
And then they used me as the example.
No.
Yeah.
That I had been too nice to you.
Yeah, that you'd been too nice to me and I felt really bad.
And I was going to write you this letter that said,
You could kiss my butt anytime you like.
But then that didn't sound right.
Whoa.
Well, you know, so to speak.
Yeah.
But then I'm back here now and I just want to say that you can go ahead and be
mean.
Well, I have no reason to be mean to you.
Well, you can be.
Don't be afraid.
You see, for like 12 years, people said that I was mean to the guests.
Well, no sharp and edge.
Yeah, but I never really felt that I was mean to them unless they caused
trouble.
You know, it's like, you know, if there was trouble, then I'd put an end to it.
Somebody has to.
You know what I mean?
I see.
So you mean, if I were giving you some trouble, you'd put an end to it?
Well, no, no, of course not.
But I have no reason to be mean to you now.
I had no reason to be mean to you then.
So I have no idea what they were talking about.
Well, I don't know either.
Well, we could call them.
That's another great question, wasn't it?
See, they're going to write about you now.
They're going to say you were soft.
You went nowhere with it.
No, you said you said that.
Screw them.
Who needs them?
Now.
Something occurred to me the other day.
You were in this movie.
Man, these movies.
Mrs. Doubtfire.
Yeah, Mrs. Doubtfire.
And then for Mrs. Doubtfire with Robin Williams.
Bang!
Bam!
You go right into Mrs. Gump.
Yeah.
For Forrest Gump's mother with Tom Hanks.
And I'm thinking to myself, this is interesting.
And I guess it's more than a little tribute to you and your abilities as a thespian.
You played Robin Williams' wife.
Yeah.
Wife.
And Robin Williams and Tom Hanks are about the same age, roughly.
Yes.
And then you also played his mother.
Yes.
So that's a real good range of characters, don't you think?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it is.
I think Tom next time is going to play my mother as kind of a combination of
both movies.
You see?
Do people come up to you and talk to you about Forrest Gump?
Because this thing has just taken over the world, hasn't it?
Yeah, it's kind of taken over the world.
Sort of, they do.
A lot of people ask me, do I have sayings that I've lived by?
Gump-isms.
Gump-isms.
Because Mama always said, life is like a box of chocolates.
Yeah, and stupid is as stupid does.
Yeah, right.
And she's sort of the instigator of all of those gump-isms.
That's right.
So do you have some that you can shoot back to people when they come up to you?
No.
No.
Right down there.
Yeah, right down there.
No gump-isms.
All right.
Your television show...
Do you?
No, I don't.
In fact, I can only remember the one.
Stupid is as stupid does.
Uh-huh.
And life is like a box of chocolates.
To me, that's it.
That's plenty.
Yeah.
That's all you need.
What do you think they pretty much...
That's all I need.
Tell us about the TV show.
When does it come on now?
Is it next week?
I don't know.
No, I...
I got it right here, Sally.
Debutt is February 19th.
Two weeks.
In two weeks.
Two weeks.
It's like a six-hour miniseries.
It's a six-hour miniseries.
Yeah.
And it's, um...
Uh, let's see.
What's it?
A woman of independent means.
It's a woman of independent means.
Am I giving you a hard time?
Don't make me turn your lights out.
I can take it.
I've been around.
I know you can.
Now, we have to go here.
And once again, I want to thank you for your time.
It was great fun.
I had more fun this time than the last time.
Where are we going?
Well, we have to do a commercial.
Oh.
You've seen television, right?
I say life is like a box of chocolates.
Yes.
Okay, well.
You never know what you're d