Name: Viewer Mail: Bill Murray Wants Dave To Leave The Show | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-02-16T16:32:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Bill Murray Wants Dave To Leave The Show | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Bill Murray Wants Dave To Leave The Show | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-16. Transcript available.

If you've ever seen this television program any time before, you know that on
Thursday nights we like to do a lot of mail.
Let me just read this to you.
One of the rewards of having a successful late night show is the spontaneous
outpouring of affection and admiration that comes to us each week in the mail.
We feel that if people care enough to watch our show and write us a letter,
they deserve all the abuse we can give them.
So, with that in mind, let's take a look at a few actual letters received in
this week's viewer mail, shall we?
This is letter number one.
This comes to us from Madeline Albert, somewhere in Texas, says here.
Madeline writes, I waited on the governor tonight in the fancy restaurant where
I work.
When shaking hands, I realized that my hands are larger than his.
Now, I know my hands are large, but larger than the hands of the governor of
Texas.
It was then that I realized that I probably could have beat him at arm
wrestling, too, for I noticed that my arms were probably longer than his arms.
And I believe Madeline was kind enough to send in a photo of herself.
Let's see if I can just hold it up here.
This is Madeline Albert from Texas.
Good Lord.
They're just plain big.
That was letter number one.
Letter number two comes to us from Joe Delio, Waterbury, Connecticut.
Joe writes, oh, this is regarding you, Paul.
When Paul Schaefer announced his retirement Thursday, that's right, a week ago
tonight, Paul announced he was retiring.
I got worried.
Then he announced he was back.
And you said everyone would be able to breathe better.
Actually, you were right.
I held my breath when he said he was leaving, as if to think you were actually
letting him loose.
But now I do feel better knowing he'd decide to stay locked up at NBC where he
belongs.
That's right.
You remember that, of course, about a week ago tonight, Paul announced his
retirement.
And as it turns out, he did that only to cash in on the lucrative NBC
retirement benefits.
You had a banquet, I understand, too, Paul, huh?
I did great at the banquet, too.
A lot of gifts?
Look at this.
This is a music box they gave me.
The network gave me this.
That's great.
Plays a David Letterman theme.
That's really nice.
Let me open it up.
Everybody gets one of these.
You know, a watch, a gold watch.
I've been in the building now, what, seven years?
It's very nice of them.
Terrific.
Congratulations.
And I got this great toaster oven, which I need from my room.
And look at this.
Wow.
Look at that.
And that, it was, I did so well, as a matter of fact, that I've decided to
retire.
I'm going to leave the business, and, you know, this is my last.
You're retiring again?
I'm going to, I've had enough, and it's been great entertaining everybody all
these years,
but, and now.
Okay.
I love you.
Get out of here.
Good night, Paul.
Paul Schaefer retiring.
I don't know.
Whenever he does that, it kind of casts a Paul on the festivities.
All right, I'm coming back.
What?
I don't want to bring you down.
I'm back in the business.
I've decided to come back.
Oh, great.
Just, you know, it's cold out there, David.
It's not so great out there.
I like this business.
Oh, my.
I'm going to be here with my people.
Thank you.
Congratulations, Paul.
I'm glad you had a change of heart.
Thank you very much.
Letter number three comes to us from Glenn Carson, Albany, Georgia.
I really like the way your announcer says David Letterman at the first of the
show.
I mean, he really puts feeling into his voice.
Boy, it would be great to hear him say Glenn Carson that way.
Also, it was better when you put viewer mail on the index cards, 60 Minutes
style.
Well, we stopped doing that because people didn't really believe these were
actual letters.
We can't read the letters very easily the way you're doing it now.
Thanks, Glenn Carson, Albany, Georgia.
Well, Glenn, guess what?
This is your lucky night.
Bill, what do we have for Glenn?
Glenn, and now, a viewer with his letter printed 60 Minutes style, Glenn Carson.
It's a proud night for all of us here.
Is it me, or does this stuff just get stupider?
Letter number four comes to us from, I think we've heard from these gentlemen
before.
Kay Waldrop, Auburn, Alabama.
I watch your show almost every night and wonder why the cars on the city
streets behind you never move and why.
If it's so late, are all the lights on in the city behind you?
Also, why do you always have so many pencils?
You never use them for anything, do you, they query?
Well, let me just explain, Tay, I guess it is.
This is New York City, not Auburn, Alabama.
This is the city that never sleeps, and, of course, that's why those lights are
on every night.
And as I am sure you also know, these pencils are here because occasionally I
just like to...
That's some sort of a...
Apparently I caused some sort of a power outage.
Do we have that standby generator, Hal?
Can we turn that on?
Turn the generator, I promise.
Letter number five comes to us from Paul Framberg, Peoria, Illinois, an all-American
city, I'm guessing.
Occasionally, you make a phone call during your show, but no one ever calls you.
Why is that?
P.S., get Bill Murray back on the show soon.
I loved his version of physical, as who did not?
This is a reference to our very first television program.
Bill Murray came on and sang physical, and sang, and sang physical.
As far as not receiving phone calls, I don't know, it's just a...
Yes, suddenly I'm soupy sales.
Excuse me, the phone unbelievably, but somehow ringing.
Hello?
Dave?
Yeah?
It's me, Bill Murray.
What are you doing?
Hi, Bill.
You know, this is quite a coincidence.
We're just reading a letter here about you from Paul Framberg, Peoria, Illinois.
And he wanted you to be on the show, and he enjoyed you singing physical.
Yeah, sure.
Paul Framberg.
Hey, party, man.
You got to come.
Big party.
A party?
Yeah, I'll come by and pick you up.
You're going to be ready about five minutes?
I can't, Bill.
I'm doing the show.
We're on the air.
What show?
We're on every night at 1230, and there's...
You guys are still on?
That's great, man.
That's really great.
That's great.
Hey, look.
David, if you guys are still on, they owe you a night off.
Come on, do it.
Snyder used to do it.
He used to just call in sick.
No big deal.
We got a studio full of good-looking folks from all across America,
and I really can't leave.
Hey, look.
They're excited just to see the lights and the cameras and stuff.
Just, just, just, hang on.
Just say, uh-huh, okay, okay, okay, okay, doctor.
Thank you very much.
And say, ladies and gentlemen, you've been so kind.
I hope you drive carefully on your way home,
but I think I'm having a nervous collapse.
And just walk out.
Just walk out.
Say you're sick or something.
No big deal.
Do it.
They owe you a night off.
NBC is ready, man.
They're ready.
They're ready.
They got, you know, they'll put up the 1975 World Series or something.
They're always ready for something like this.
Come on, you got to live, man.
You mean, uh...
This is a big party, David.
Roberta Duran's ex-sparring partner's old girlfriends are going to be there.
You know, okay.
No one, you know, Dave, no one will know.
You're even gone.
They'll just put something up.
Okay.
You're on.
Just do it.
Just do it.
Just smile.
Okay.
Thank you very much, doctor.
Okay.
Thank you, doctor.
Thank you very much.
I, uh...
This is kind of strange.
Just cover me, Paul.
Um...
Everybody calls in sick every now and then.
And, uh...
Yeah, they'll put something up, won't they?
Sure.
No problem.
You folks can talk to yourselves.
I'll be, uh...
I'll see you Monday.
Thanks a lot.
See you, Paul.
Hiram, Will, Charlie.
See ya.
Where are you going, Dave?
Dave?
Dave?
Dave?
Dave?
Where are you?
Dave?
He left.
He actually left.
Dave?
Damn it.
Where is he?
Right in the eye.
And the fans love it.
It's the 12th inning.
Nullo, it's after midnight.
The only empty seats are in the Cincinnati bullpen.
And their eighth pitcher, Pat Darcy,
is pitching against Carlton Fisk.
Fisk takes the first pitch high.
Ball one.
All right, I was just joking.
It's all right.
It's a joke.
I'm back.
Just our idea of a little joke here.
We have a wonderful program for you tonight.
There's Mr. Murray in the hallway.
Would you like to say hello to Mr. Bill Murray, please?
you've got a fabulous band here you've got a great band but uh dave that bike-a-thon
for charity
that's going to go all night tonight oh great i'll try and sneak by a little
later and i'm
sorry i'll talk to that guy man he roughed me up okay nice to see you again
okay and i'll tell
all the kids that you'll be there later definitely yeah the kids you betcha
bill bill murray ladies
and gentlemen and now back to the festivities very nice of mr murray to do that
for us