Name: If Richard Belzer And Jack Nicholson Went To Burger King | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-02-19T15:34:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'If Richard Belzer And Jack Nicholson Went To Burger King | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'If Richard Belzer And Jack Nicholson Went To Burger King | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-19. Transcript available.

Welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen.
Richard Belzer was the host of a top-rated radio program right here in New York
City.
Most recently, he has been working in Motion Pictures, completing Author,
Author with Al Pacino.
He is also one of the most inventive stand-up comics in the business today,
and it's a pleasure to welcome Mr. Richard Belzer.
Oh, hi. Hi.
Hi.
How are you?
Hi.
Great. You just answer me every time I talk to you, okay?
Are you in a good mood?
Yes.
Okay, that's the end of the audience participation.
I'm in a good mood, so I was a little depressed when I got this morning
because last night I had a dry dream, but I'm over that depression.
Actually, I'm still depressed because I didn't win an Oscar.
I wasn't nominated, but I still didn't win,
and I'm glad that Chariots of Fire won.
It's a great film and a great song in that film, right?
Chariots of Fire.
I'm running on the beach now.
They didn't have Adidas then.
It's the 1920s.
There's no black people running, so an English guy can win.
If I hear that song once more, I'm going to smack an Englishman in the mouth.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm a little tired of that song.
But I'm also glad that Catherine Hepburn won an Oscar
for trying to keep her head still for two hours.
That was quite...
It's quite...
Wait, now...
Wait.
First, like, moan at...
First you laugh, then you moan.
Like, moan at me.
Like, I made that up.
Like, she doesn't shake her head, right?
I'm the guy that stands in the back of her head and does this, right?
So, boo me, right?
Great.
No.
You've got to take Dramamine to watch that chick work.
But, you know, she's a great gal.
We all love her, but no.
It's a good thing the president didn't get it shot,
because now the Oscars are on time now.
But when Reagan got shot last year, it was really heavy and serious.
You know, no matter what you think of the man,
you don't want him to get shot.
You realize how many people want his job.
Like, as soon as Reagan got shot,
the vice president was in Texas.
Bush heard that Reagan got shot,
and he bought a new suit because he thought he had a job.
That's how sensitive he was.
And Haig heard the president got shot,
and he called a press conference for no apparent reason.
He comes out, he says,
I'm in charge here.
He's sweating.
His tie's crooked.
His hair's messed up.
He wet his pants.
He's in charge here.
I'd rather live on the Falken Islands
than have him in charge here.
That was pretty scary.
And now they're trying to, like,
get everybody to join the Army and the Navy and the Marines.
And I was down south last week working as a waiter.
No, I was down south.
And they had a commercial on Southern TV for the Air Force.
Like, they want to get people to join the Air Force.
Now, I think the Air Force probably has enough people that are ready,
but they run this commercial to discourage people from joining
because they had this guy on a colonel in the Air Force.
He had really short hair.
His hair was so short,
it looked like little barbers crawled up his nose
and cut it from the inside.
And he was obviously reading cue cards.
He was sitting behind a desk.
He looked in the cue card, and he said,
Howdy-do.
My name is Lieutenant Gray Sun.
Before I joined the Air Force,
I could barely read.
You, too, can join an organization
that's been in existence since World War I.
So, I joined the Air Force the next day.
By last night on American television.
But also, you see Jack Nicholson at the Oscars
with the real dark glasses on.
Jack's my idol.
He is one of my idols.
I have a lot of idols.
He's one of them.
And we went out to eat after.
I wasn't at the Oscars,
but he called me up and went to Burger King.
He eats at Burger King all the time.
Pull up in the limo,
go to Burger King,
and he orders.
He goes up to the guy at Burger King.
He says,
I want an omelet.
No potatoes.
Tomatoes instead.
And you can hold that big whopper
between your knees, sweetheart.
Thanks a lot.
Richard DeBelger.
You danced out here.
You danced off here.
I'm a dancing fool.
You'd really rather be a rock and roll guy,
wouldn't you?
Well, I tried that.
You mentioned I was on the radio before.
I made a little money when you're on the radio.
They pay more than 100 clear a week.
And I invested all my money in a band,
in a studio,
and that's why I'm here
to ask you for a loan.
Now, what came of that?
Did you have...
I have some tapes
that you could hear
any time you come over to my house.
Right.
You could be the same deal
as Slim Whitman's Company.
Get in on that and...
Not quite that successful.
Mail those suckers out here.
I changed my name to Dick Whitman,
but it didn't work.
It didn't work.
It was ridiculous.
You're living in Los Angeles presently?
I live out in the Hollywood place.
Yeah.
It's a crazy place.
You don't look like a guy.
It's nutty out there.
They're fabulous people
and they're nuts.
You don't look like a guy
who'd live in California.
You look like a New Yorker.
I look like a limo driver, right?
No, you said that to me once before
and I couldn't forget it.
It was such a fabulous line.
No.
Just because you look like David Hartman
doesn't mean I can look like a limo driver.
Which is also your line.
It was.
I just do your lines to play it safe
so I'll get asked back.
Most of this stuff...
No, but the Catherine Hepburn stuff
wasn't my line.
No, no, no.
You want to clear that up
in case she wants to do the show.
Just have a headrest for her.
Sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't know she was a guy.
We're just kidding around here.
Oh, it's Catherine.
Why don't we do that film, babe?
It's like quarter after one.
What the hell?
We can...
Where?
For Catherine it's quarter after one.
Everywhere it's quarter after one.
Ooh.
Now, tell me...
In Iceland?
Tell me about your movies.
You're a big motion picture.
Well...
A driving force in the American cinema.
Well, I did do my own stunt driving
in a film that I did.
Now, one thing I'm very excited about
is I'm doing a movie with Robert Downey,
the guy that did Putney Swope
and Greaser's Palace.
That's one of the reasons I'm in town.
And I just finished a movie with Al.
Hey, really?
Something wrong here?
There's something really, really wrong here?
No, you're out of water.
Your car is out of water.
He does that in every movie.
For no reason.
Regardless.
Don't make any difference.
No, it was really good to work with him
because it's like a master class in acting,
watching him work.
He was a great actor.
Well, things are going great for you.
Well, since I was on this show last.
Let me ask you one thing.
Let me ask you one thing.
Is it true here that you roughed up Henry Winkler?
Is that a possibility?
Well, there was a scene in the movie.
I play a pimp and I kill it.
Can you say pimp on TV?
Okay.
There was a scene in the movie.
See, he cuts in on the heavy in the movies,
we say, not literally.
It's a figurative term for villain
in people in Crevice, Alabama.
And that means villain.
Now, I was the villain in the movie
and there's one scene
where I get to smack Henry around
so the Bells beats up the Fonz.
Unbelievable.
We'll look for that.
He's a good guy.
I don't want to be derisive of Henry
because he was...
I hope you come back and see us
if you're ever in New York, New York again.
Anytime you want me.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Richard DeBell is here.
We'll be right back with Edwin Newman.