Name: Johnny Carson Brings His Own Desk To The Show | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-03-10T23:20:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Johnny Carson Brings His Own Desk To The Show | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Johnny Carson Brings His Own Desk To The Show | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-10. Transcript available.

- Well, this is an exciting moment for us.
Are we nervous here, Paul?
- Some of us are, yeah.
- Yeah, we're a little nervous.
It's a pleasure to welcome this gentleman,
our first guest of the show.
He is the star of "The Tonight Show."
Please say hello to Johnny Carson.
- Thank you very much.
- Yes, sir.
- David, you will find out, thank you.
I'll tell you what, you will find out, David,
after a few years, this is the only way
I can talk with anybody.
I was out to dinner last night at a restaurant.
I take this with me.
I go home after the show.
I use this in our bedroom.
I do not perform well without this desk.
You know, I noticed something right off the bat.
I think your desk is bigger than mine.
Well, another 20 years, you will have this desk.
I think we can take this away now.
- I thought you were unloading something
from beacons when you brought that up.
- No, I saw you were doing an all-prop show tonight.
- That's right.
- Might as well.
- At the end of the week, we get out all the props.
- Yeah.
- You have your little yellow sticker there.
- Yes, I'm a carrier, a hepatitis.
I thought your whole crew was infected or something.
Now, is this, thank you very much for being here,
first of all.
- Let me just say something.
- Sure.
- I'm a little miffed at you.
- Oh, no.
- No, no.
Let me tell you why, because when they came to me
about a month ago and said, would you like to do
the Letterman show?
I said, yes, I want to do it, 'cause I love David Letterman.
And I said, you know, May is beautiful in New York.
I'll go first class, round trip.
I'll have the hotel, the limousine.
And then I found out you were doing it,
and I walked across an asphalt parking lot to get here.
And I thought I was going, you know, if I...
- You guys understand, I could have done Wheel of Fortune
on the way over.
There's a man dressed as a giant zucchini in the hall,
waiting to go on Let's Make a Deal.
I could have done that.
But anyway, I'm happy to be here.
- Well, we're terribly happy to have you here.
Now, let me ask you right off the bat.
This, you must just hate being a guest on somebody's show.
- It's very strange.
I think the last show I did, seriously,
was David Frost,
when David came over and fooled everybody for a while.
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- You know what I mean.
- They thought David was an entertainer,
and then they got onto him.
Nice thing about guesting,
nice thing about guesting, you can be cruel.
You see on other people's shows.
- You don't have to be here tomorrow.
That's the thing. - It is strange.
It's very strange sitting here,
looking this way, talking over here.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Do you remember your first television appearance?
- My very first television appearance--
- It's a stupid question, obviously, you're remembering.
- Well, yeah, I remember, but it was in a--
- Maybe not.
- Those stupid Star Tricks, is what this is.
It was in, it was in, it was in Omaha.
- My very first television show was in Omaha in 1948,
believe it or not.
I played a milkman in a documentary
called "The Story of Underland Fever"
about unpasteurized milk.
- It's a true story.
- Is that right?
- Absolutely.
- And that did pretty well too, didn't it?
- It's still, if you have cable,
you can get it late at night.
- Now, you mentioned you wanted to come to New York
to be on the show when we were back there.
Do you ever think about, you've been in California,
how many years now?
- We've been here since '72.
- Do you ever entertain any notions
of taking the show to California or to New York?
- Yeah, but there's not many facilities back there anymore.
We used to work in 6B, I understand that's all news now.
- Yeah.
- Do you mind if I, if I do something?
- Uh, what happens if I say yes?
- Ah.
- I watch your show, and one of the things you do
that I get a big kick out of is when you make telephone calls
to somebody from somebody in your studio audience,
you know, to say hello to their parents
or to make an excuse for them or something,
you pick it up and call.
I would like to do that tonight myself.
And I asked to have a phone here.
Would you mind if I do that?
- No, you know.
- Let me show you, let me show you, first of all.
- Do a thing and come back and do it?
- What, do you want to take a break first?
We have time now, it won't take long.
I'm going to show you the number.
I don't want you, I'm sure you won't say anything
because I don't want the people to pick up on this.
Do you recognize this number?
- No, I don't, John, that's,
I've never seen that number before in my life.
- No, I, no, I've never seen it at all.
Now this is, now you're not serious about it.
- I am serious, is that?
- Yeah, that's it.
This is my home phone number back in Indiana.
- All right, I, did you call your mother on Mother's Day?
- I certainly did.
- Oh, I want to make sure of that.
So I'm going to, I have you.
- I'm serious.
- No, no.
- Yes?
- You know, mom's hearing is not what it used to be.
- Yes, well.
- She'll have to come up out of the cellar
to answer the phone.
Is this the right number?
- That's it.
- All right, may I borrow your phone?
- Well, you want me to dial the deal or what?
- I guess it would be all right if, let.
- Now this is, this is.
- Don't let them know what it is.
'Cause I, you know, some people can read the,
they hear it and they read the,
so I guess we have to dial what, one?
Then, one.
- Is this for real?
God, I guess it is.
Run for your lives.
- One.
- One.
- One.
- All right.
All right.
- All right.
- All right.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Okay.
- Wait, this is my mother.
This is my mother, ladies and gentlemen.
- Hello? - Hello.
- Oh, yeah. - Did you hear me?
- Yes, I can.
Hello? - Hello?
- Oh, yeah.
- Did you hear me?
- Yes, I can.
Hello? - Is this Mrs. Dorothy Letterman?
- That's right, Dorothy.
- Yes, it is.
Who's this?
- Yes, it is.
Who's this?
- Are you the, are you the mother of David Letterman
who does "Late Night" on NBC?
- Oh, yes, I am.
Well, who is this, please?
- Mrs. Letterman, this is Johnny Carson.
I'm calling from NBC in Burbank.
- Oh, my word.
Oh!
- Look, how are you?
- Fine, thank you.
- Mrs. Letterman, can I ask you a question?
- Oh, sure.
- Has David ever told you that he hopes
that I get run over by a sparklets water delivery truck?
- So he can get the 11:30 time period on NBC?
Has he ever told you that?
- Yes, he talks about it frequently.
- Thank you very much, Mrs. Letterman.
Bye-bye.
- Talks about it frequently.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, well.
- You see, mothers don't lie.
- No, no, we'll put a tracer on that call.
We have to do a commercial.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
Phoning your relatives.
- Thank you, Paul.
Welcome back to the show.
Obviously, Johnny Carson is here.
You and I look like we might be ushering later
at some sort of a fun show.
- Don't we?
I didn't know you were going to wear
your basic hosting outfit tonight.
- Now, you mentioned, by the way,
Mom was very happy to hear from--
Now, do you want to explain to people that--
- I suppose we should let him in on the joke by now.
It's an actress by the name of Arlene Banner.
She was talking backstage.
They didn't tip you, did they?
- No, no.
- Good, I'm glad.
- In fact, it sounded to me like maybe a cheerleader
had broken into Mom's house and answering her phone there.
- Mom is not as spry as she used to be.
- You know, you met my mom about three years ago.
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah, well.
That's what I tried to explain to Mom.
- Son!
spry as she used to be. You know, you met my mom about three years ago. I didn't
know that. Well,
that's what I tried to explain to mom. Son! No, what did I meet you? It must
have been...
About 38 years ago? Yeah, she was working a USO place in Omaha.
Now, cut that out. No, you were doing your show. And my mom was very thrilled.
That made her entire
trip. She was in California for about 10 days. I do remember that. And it just,
it scared me silly.
It really did. But she, it was very nice for you to do that. Now, we're talking
about the contract
and so on and so forth. You just signed a new deal here at NBC. Have you ever,
how many years has it
been? You're going to, you're working on your 23rd year? Yeah, we finished 23
in September. And I
understand if you do 25, you get a Timex watch from NBC. I may go for the watch.
Going for the watch.
Going for the watch. Have you, in all of that time, has there ever been
anything NBC said,
nope, we're not going to give it to you? I've pretty well got a lock on them.
No. No, you've negotiated with them. No, we've been very fortunate. Oh, no. I
think my negotiations
and your negotiations are two different floors of the building.
No, they've been, we've been, we've had a good run with you. We've been very
lucky. The audience
has been very loyal. Yeah. It's been a nice ride. Yeah. But I do think you, uh,
by the way, pretty much whatever you want. You've been doing this now for what,
three years?
Yeah. Three years and a couple of months. I'll tell you what, you will find if
you continue this,
there will come a time when you run out of questions. Maybe that's happened to
you already.
Could be happening now. Right now. I sense that. You will have the starlet on
and you will have
asked her whether her mother or father had the greatest influence and whether
she likes to live in
California or not. I have about run out of questions. I have about six or seven
left that I have never,
ever asked on the show. I brought them along. Oh, good. Just in case. Thank God.
Just in case you run into that bad interview. Thank God. Where you just don't
know what to,
I'm going to will these to you. Maybe I'll jot these down. All right. You're in
real trouble.
You say to your guest, what would you do if I jammed a lit highway flare up
your nose?
It's just one there. Now, you had Bo Derek on the other night, right? Yes, we
did.
You could have said to her, have you ever used one of your vital organs as a
hand puppet?
All right. Hand puppet, highway flare. Some of these obviously are going to be
better than others. Yeah, well, you got to try them.
Oh, you skipped one. Here's one here. Where do you suppose the sock goes that
disappears in the dryer?
Yeah, that's good. Thought provoking.
You didn't pay for that plastic surgery, did you?
And my favorite, and I think it will probably be yours, but we'll be the judge
of that tomorrow.
All right.
You're saying to your guest, how would American history have been changed if
the secretary of
agriculture in the Roosevelt administration had been Johnny Mathis?
Okay. I think, Johnny, I'll stay with the highway flare and the hand puppet.
Flare and the hand puppet. I like those pretty well. Oh my gosh. You get a lot
of movie offers living
in California all these years? You must, people are always saying, this man
would be perfect. He would
be like another Cary Grant sort of a person. You know, I used to get, I used to
get some offers and
Jack Lemmon always used to say, you know, I could have played a lot of things
that Jack played,
which would have been fun. But with The Tonight Show, as you know, when you're
on the schedule,
I only have like the longest period during the whole year is three weeks. You
really don't have
time to make a picture. Yeah. And as you get older, all of a sudden it doesn't
become much fun.
If this is, this is fun because this is what television is. You come out, it's
right now,
it's spontaneous, and you give and you're taken. Some nights you're good, some
nights you don't know
what's going to happen. Movies I find kind of boring. You sit there and you
have to do it over
and over and over again. Wait eight hours to do one line. It takes a lot of
discipline. So,
I did do Looking for Love with Connie Francis.
1965 offering, I believe. 1965. And what was the film, what was the plot in
Looking for Love,
other than obviously Looking for Love? I remember the ad was, could Connie pass
the kiss test? It was
an exciting picture. And it's the only movie that I know that the Motion
Picture Academy
transferred to flammable nitrate stock.
I think it is. Usually they do it the other way around, but this one, they
transferred it back.
Yeah, yeah. Look, they gave me some money and I was one day and I went in and
did it and played
myself. It was no big deal. How do you like the neighborhood? We're neighbors.
Well, I called you about a week ago to come play tennis and you called and you
didn't show.
I know, I know. Why not? Well, I was, I was actually, I was, I had cold feet.
You know what I mean? No, I don't. I'd feel like a jerk playing tennis with you.
Why? Well, because I, 90% of the day I feel like a jerk.
Nobody explained it to me that way. Yeah, we're up, we're out, we're out in Malibu.
Yeah. And I, are you having some work done on the place?
Yeah, fixing up a few things. Yeah, we sit there late at night in the car.
Yeah. Well, let's, let's keep it that way.
Oh my God. Um, you got to go do your show here.
Yeah. Yeah. I better, got it. Um, as a matter of fact, what I'm doing tonight,
I could do the finish here. I told the first part of the joke on my show
earlier tonight.
Yeah. And I was going to do the punchline here. So people who watch my show.
All right.
Will tune in and see this show. An experiment in television.
This is a joke. All right.
In other words, you will not hear. This is good.
This is the punchline to the joke that I did earlier on my show.
Okay. All right. And the man says to Mrs. O'Hara, I'm not so sure about that.
He got out three times to go to the bathroom.
Now that's, that's the punchline to the joke that I did.
So people are in on a little television history tonight.
That's right. Yeah. Yeah.
Unfortunate as it is, they are. Yeah. Yeah.
All right. Now, well, let me see what we're doing here.
We got a station identification. What? That's it?
I think that means say goodbye.
Say goodbye.
He's doing one of these.
All right. We're done.
Okay. Uh, it was a pleasure. And, and what do you think?
It wasn't too awkward, was it?
I had fun. I enjoyed it.
I'm glad you did. You were terrific.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks for everything, Johnny. Nice to see you.
Thank you.
Johnny Carson, folks.
Thank you very much. Very funny.
Thank you.

Johnny Carson Brings His Own Desk To The Show | Letterman

- Well, this is an exciting moment for us.
Are we nervous here, Paul?
- Some of us are, yeah.
- Yeah, we're a little nervous.
It's a pleasure to welcome this gentleman,
our first guest of the show.
He is the star of "The Tonight Show."
Please say hello to Johnny Carson.
- Thank you very much.
- Yes, sir.
- David, you will find out, thank you.
I'll tell you what, you will find out, David,
after a few years, this is the only way
I can talk with anybody.
I was out to dinner last night at a restaurant.
I take this with me.
I go home after the show.
I use this in our bedroom.
I do not perform well without this desk.
You know, I noticed something right off the bat.
I think your desk is bigger than mine.
Well, another 20 years, you will have this desk.
I think we can take this away now.
- I thought you were unloading something
from beacons when you brought that up.
- No, I saw you were doing an all-prop show tonight.
- That's right.
- Might as well.
- At the end of the week, we get out all the props.
- Yeah.
- You have your little yellow sticker there.
- Yes, I'm a carrier, a hepatitis.
I thought your whole crew was infected or something.
Now, is this, thank you very much for being here,
first of all.
- Let me just say something.
- Sure.
- I'm a little miffed at you.
- Oh, no.
- No, no.
Let me tell you why, because when they came to me
about a month ago and said, would you like to do
the Letterman show?
I said, yes, I want to do it, 'cause I love David Letterman.
And I said, you know, May is beautiful in New York.
I'll go first class, round trip.
I'll have the hotel, the limousine.
And then I found out you were doing it,
and I walked across an asphalt parking lot to get here.
And I thought I was going, you know, if I...
- You guys understand, I could have done Wheel of Fortune
on the way over.
There's a man dressed as a giant zucchini in the hall,
waiting to go on Let's Make a Deal.
I could have done that.
But anyway, I'm happy to be here.
- Well, we're terribly happy to have you here.
Now, let me ask you right off the bat.
This, you must just hate being a guest on somebody's show.
- It's very strange.
I think the last show I did, seriously,
was David Frost,
when David came over and fooled everybody for a while.
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- You know what I mean.
- They thought David was an entertainer,
and then they got onto him.
Nice thing about guesting,
nice thing about guesting, you can be cruel.
You see on other people's shows.
- You don't have to be here tomorrow.
That's the thing. - It is strange.
It's very strange sitting here,
looking this way, talking over here.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Do you remember your first television appearance?
- My very first television appearance--
- It's a stupid question, obviously, you're remembering.
- Well, yeah, I remember, but it was in a--
- Maybe not.
- Those stupid Star Tricks, is what this is.
It was in, it was in, it was in Omaha.
- My very first television show was in Omaha in 1948,
believe it or not.
I played a milkman in a documentary
called "The Story of Underland Fever"
about unpasteurized milk.
- It's a true story.
- Is that right?
- Absolutely.
- And that did pretty well too, didn't it?
- It's still, if you have cable,
you can get it late at night.
- Now, you mentioned you wanted to come to New York
to be on the show when we were back there.
Do you ever think about, you've been in California,
how many years now?
- We've been here since '72.
- Do you ever entertain any notions
of taking the show to California or to New York?
- Yeah, but there's not many facilities back there anymore.
We used to work in 6B, I understand that's all news now.
- Yeah.
- Do you mind if I, if I do something?
- Uh, what happens if I say yes?
- Ah.
- I watch your show, and one of the things you do
that I get a big kick out of is when you make telephone calls
to somebody from somebody in your studio audience,
you know, to say hello to their parents
or to make an excuse for them or something,
you pick it up and call.
I would like to do that tonight myself.
And I asked to have a phone here.
Would you mind if I do that?
- No, you know.
- Let me show you, let me show you, first of all.
- Do a thing and come back and do it?
- What, do you want to take a break first?
We have time now, it won't take long.
I'm going to show you the number.
I don't want you, I'm sure you won't say anything
because I don't want the people to pick up on this.
Do you recognize this number?
- No, I don't, John, that's,
I've never seen that number before in my life.
- No, I, no, I've never seen it at all.
Now this is, now you're not serious about it.
- I am serious, is that?
- Yeah, that's it.
This is my home phone number back in Indiana.
- All right, I, did you call your mother on Mother's Day?
- I certainly did.
- Oh, I want to make sure of that.
So I'm going to, I have you.
- I'm serious.
- No, no.
- Yes?
- You know, mom's hearing is not what it used to be.
- Yes, well.
- She'll have to come up out of the cellar
to answer the phone.
Is this the right number?
- That's it.
- All right, may I borrow your phone?
- Well, you want me to dial the deal or what?
- I guess it would be all right if, let.
- Now this is, this is.
- Don't let them know what it is.
'Cause I, you know, some people can read the,
they hear it and they read the,
so I guess we have to dial what, one?
Then, one.
- Is this for real?
God, I guess it is.
Run for your lives.
- One.
- One.
- One.
- All right.
All right.
- All right.
- All right.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Okay.
- Wait, this is my mother.
This is my mother, ladies and gentlemen.
- Hello? - Hello.
- Oh, yeah. - Did you hear me?
- Yes, I can.
Hello? - Hello?
- Oh, yeah.
- Did you hear me?
- Yes, I can.
Hello? - Is this Mrs. Dorothy Letterman?
- That's right, Dorothy.
- Yes, it is.
Who's this?
- Yes, it is.
Who's this?
- Are you the, are you the mother of David Letterman
who does "Late Night" on NBC?
- Oh, yes, I am.
Well, who is this, please?
- Mrs. Letterman, this is Johnny Carson.
I'm calling from NBC in Burbank.
- Oh, my word.
Oh!
- Look, how are you?
- Fine, thank you.
- Mrs. Letterman, can I ask you a question?
- Oh, sure.
- Has David ever told you that he hopes
that I get run over by a sparklets water delivery truck?
- So he can get the 11:30 time period on NBC?
Has he ever told you that?
- Yes, he talks about it frequently.
- Thank you very much, Mrs. Letterman.
Bye-bye.
- Talks about it frequently.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, well.
- You see, mothers don't lie.
- No, no, we'll put a tracer on that call.
We have to do a commercial.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
Phoning your relatives.
- Thank you, Paul.
Welcome back to the show.
Obviously, Johnny Carson is here.
You and I look like we might be ushering later
at some sort of a fun show.
- Don't we?
I didn't know you were going to wear
your basic hosting outfit tonight.
- Now, you mentioned, by the way,
Mom was very happy to hear from--
Now, do you want to explain to people that--
- I suppose we should let him in on the joke by now.
It's an actress by the name of Arlene Banner.
She was talking backstage.
They didn't tip you, did they?
- No, no.
- Good, I'm glad.
- In fact, it sounded to me like maybe a cheerleader
had broken into Mom's house and answering her phone there.
- Mom is not as spry as she used to be.
- You know, you met my mom about three years ago.
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah, well.
That's what I tried to explain to Mom.
- Son!
spry as she used to be. You know, you met my mom about three years ago. I didn't
know that. Well,
that's what I tried to explain to mom. Son! No, what did I meet you? It must
have been...
About 38 years ago? Yeah, she was working a USO place in Omaha.
Now, cut that out. No, you were doing your show. And my mom was very thrilled.
That made her entire
trip. She was in California for about 10 days. I do remember that. And it just,
it scared me silly.
It really did. But she, it was very nice for you to do that. Now, we're talking
about the contract
and so on and so forth. You just signed a new deal here at NBC. Have you ever,
how many years has it
been? You're going to, you're working on your 23rd year? Yeah, we finished 23
in September. And I
understand if you do 25, you get a Timex watch from NBC. I may go for the watch.
Going for the watch.
Going for the watch. Have you, in all of that time, has there ever been
anything NBC said,
nope, we're not going to give it to you? I've pretty well got a lock on them.
No. No, you've negotiated with them. No, we've been very fortunate. Oh, no. I
think my negotiations
and your negotiations are two different floors of the building.
No, they've been, we've been, we've had a good run with you. We've been very
lucky. The audience
has been very loyal. Yeah. It's been a nice ride. Yeah. But I do think you, uh,
by the way, pretty much whatever you want. You've been doing this now for what,
three years?
Yeah. Three years and a couple of months. I'll tell you what, you will find if
you continue this,
there will come a time when you run out of questions. Maybe that's happened to
you already.
Could be happening now. Right now. I sense that. You will have the starlet on
and you will have
asked her whether her mother or father had the greatest influence and whether
she likes to live in
California or not. I have about run out of questions. I have about six or seven
left that I have never,
ever asked on the show. I brought them along. Oh, good. Just in case. Thank God.
Just in case you run into that bad interview. Thank God. Where you just don't
know what to,
I'm going to will these to you. Maybe I'll jot these down. All right. You're in
real trouble.
You say to your guest, what would you do if I jammed a lit highway flare up
your nose?
It's just one there. Now, you had Bo Derek on the other night, right? Yes, we
did.
You could have said to her, have you ever used one of your vital organs as a
hand puppet?
All right. Hand puppet, highway flare. Some of these obviously are going to be
better than others. Yeah, well, you got to try them.
Oh, you skipped one. Here's one here. Where do you suppose the sock goes that
disappears in the dryer?
Yeah, that's good. Thought provoking.
You didn't pay for that plastic surgery, did you?
And my favorite, and I think it will probably be yours, but we'll be the judge
of that tomorrow.
All right.
You're saying to your guest, how would American history have been changed if
the secretary of
agriculture in the Roosevelt administration had been Johnny Mathis?
Okay. I think, Johnny, I'll stay with the highway flare and the hand puppet.
Flare and the hand puppet. I like those pretty well. Oh my gosh. You get a lot
of movie offers living
in California all these years? You must, people are always saying, this man
would be perfect. He would
be like another Cary Grant sort of a person. You know, I used to get, I used to
get some offers and
Jack Lemmon always used to say, you know, I could have played a lot of things
that Jack played,
which would have been fun. But with The Tonight Show, as you know, when you're
on the schedule,
I only have like the longest period during the whole year is three weeks. You
really don't have
time to make a picture. Yeah. And as you get older, all of a sudden it doesn't
become much fun.
If this is, this is fun because this is what television is. You come out, it's
right now,
it's spontaneous, and you give and you're taken. Some nights you're good, some
nights you don't know
what's going to happen. Movies I find kind of boring. You sit there and you
have to do it over
and over and over again. Wait eight hours to do one line. It takes a lot of
discipline. So,
I did do Looking for Love with Connie Francis.
1965 offering, I believe. 1965. And what was the film, what was the plot in
Looking for Love,
other than obviously Looking for Love? I remember the ad was, could Connie pass
the kiss test? It was
an exciting picture. And it's the only movie that I know that the Motion
Picture Academy
transferred to flammable n