Name: Kumail Nanjiani's Scary Roller Coaster Ride | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-03-31T22:13:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kumail Nanjiani's Scary Roller Coaster Ride | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kumail Nanjiani's Scary Roller Coaster Ride | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-31. Transcript available.

Our next guest is a very funny young comedian, a man who is making his debut
with us tonight.
So thank you very much for that.
He is a writer and performer on Comedy Central's Michael and Michael Have Issues
program,
which you can see Wednesday nights at 9.30.
Please welcome Kumail Nanjiani, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you. Wow, it is wonderful to be here.
Truly wonderful to be here.
And I'll tell you a few things about myself.
My name is Kumail, but Microsoft Spellcheck thinks it should be camel.
A little racist.
Another thing about myself, I love amusement parks.
I do.
I went to Universal Studios recently for the first time.
That place is heaven.
But more expensive.
And harder to get into.
Long lines.
But it is worth it.
I went to the Jurassic Park ride, and you get in a boat.
I love the way they set it up.
They're like, get in a boat, you're just taking a tour of Jurassic Park.
Hopefully, nothing goes wrong.
And then, a raptor got out.
During my ride.
What are the odds?
They have hundreds of tours every day.
Hopefully, nothing goes wrong.
I was thinking, it would have been really funny if nothing had gone wrong.
Like, you get in a boat, you're excited, but it's just a boring boat ride.
At one point, you see a raptor in a cage, but it's sleeping.
Then you get off and you complain, I waited two hours for this.
They're like, well, we've really amped up security since the events of the
movie.
That was a PR nightmare.
I thought you'd be happy.
But they do this for all the rides.
They, like, create these storylines.
They jump through hoops to shoehorn in, like, reasons for you to be there.
What part you play.
Like, I went to the Incredibly Hulk ride.
Incredibly Hulk.
That's not...
That's not how you say that.
It's right by the Amazingly Spider-Man ride.
Fantastically four.
But they create these storylines.
And in some of them, they give you, like, way too much responsibility.
Okay, I went to the Incredibly Hulk ride, and they were like,
His blood is mutated.
And only you can cure him.
The only way to cure him is to ride this roller coaster.
That I can do.
But it's these totally unnecessary storylines.
It's like a storyline to a porn movie, you know?
Like...
I really don't care what all your professions are.
Just here for the ride.
I went to Coney Island recently, and I rode this roller coaster called The Cyclone.
The scariest experience of my life.
And I grew up in Pakistan.
I had, like, bruises everywhere.
That's not cool.
I gave you money.
And when I finally get off, it lasts forever.
I finally get off, and then I find out that The Cyclone is the oldest
functional roller coaster in the world.
Wish I'd known that before I risked my life.
Do you know what year The Cyclone was made in?
The Cyclone was made in the year 1927.
Let that sink in.
They should change the name of that ride to 1927.
Because that fact is way scarier.
Man, you Cyclones.
Literally 1927.
We didn't know anything back then.
We were running around with blindfolds over our eyes.
We thought cigarettes were good for us.
To give you some perspective, this is completely true.
This is a fact.
You can Google this.
Sliced bread.
Sliced bread came on the market in 1928.
Yeah.
So you've heard the phrase when people describe something as,
oh, it's the greatest thing since sliced bread.
They mean it's the greatest thing in an unimaginably long time.
This ride was made the year before that.
The year before the standard for a really long time ago.
The whole thing is made of wood.
Top to bottom, wood.
You know, that indestructible substance.
That NASA uses for its space shuttles.
Wood.
I think if they want the ride to be really scary,
when you're strapped in and going on that first big climb,
they should just have all these facts going by.
Like,
click, click, click, click.
This ride was made in 1927.
Click, click, click, click, click.
Of material that termites eat.
Click, click, click.
By people who thought cigarettes were nutritious.
Click, click.
And you paid money for this.
Ah!
Kumail Nanjiani.
Kumail, pleasure to see you.
Thank you very much.
Kumail Nanjiani, everybody.