Name: Staff Favorite Moments: Writer Lee Ellenberg | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-04-04T15:02:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Staff Favorite Moments: Writer Lee Ellenberg | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Staff Favorite Moments: Writer Lee Ellenberg | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-04. Transcript available.

Hi, my name is Lee Ellenberg. I started at The Late Show in August of 94 as a
CBS page,
and then I worked in the ticket department. I was an assistant for two years,
and then I became a
writer in May of 2000. So I was a fan of Late Night very early on. One thing
that stands out
in my memory, some woman named Colleen Boyle, she wrote a letter making fun of
Dave because he was
wearing sneakers. And so Dave took a camera crew to visit this woman. When that
camera approached
that woman, there was genuine shock in her face. Hi. Are you Colleen? Are you
Colleen Boyle?
Yes. Did you write this letter, Colleen? So what's the deal with the sneakers?
I don't think
more of a brand would host their shows wearing high tops. Colleen Boyle. Colleen,
um, let's stop.
Come here. You didn't go in my room. We were in your room. Ask me a question
about your room.
You didn't go in like and see my room. Listen, this guy right here was sitting
on your bed.
Ooh. Change the sheets as soon as you can. The other thing that stands out were
the Chris Elliott
episodes. He did a taste test. Well, those are cute doggies. They are, aren't
they? Yeah.
Are those yours? No, they're not. Those are, those are props.
Dave, I think she's right. I can't tell much difference.
Yeah. All right. Thanks anyway, Chris. By the time the show went to CBS, there
were
still a couple of pieces that aired that captured the essence of the old show
very well. One
was a piece that Dave did called the Fun with a Car Phone. It's funny, once I
started working
there, I asked, like, how come I've never seen that piece again? And I was told
that they
couldn't air it because it violated FCC regulations.
Good afternoon. When? Yes, ma'am. I have a traffic report for you. What's that?
I'm, I'm at
between 75 and 76 on Columbus. I'm headed south and everything seems to be
moving along. Okay.
Okay. Will I hear that on the, on the radio? Everything's normal? Everything
seems to be
okay. Was there something wrong there before? I don't know. I'm just driving
through now. No,
we don't put one. We only report when things are backed up. Oh. Uh, all right.
Well, I
keep my eyes open. Okay. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. The guy right out front now
eating
watermelon. Watermelon? What? Stuff's delicious. Is this a fork, sir? Yeah. Do
you have a fork?
No, I haven't paid yet. How much? How much is this? You didn't pay? I haven't
paid.
You're still a $2. You are? Oh.
My other favorite remote was a piece done by Carter Bays and Craig Thomas. They
started writing
pieces for Buzz Aldrin. And then they had the idea to have Buzz Aldrin cover
the daytime Emmys
space in his astronaut suit. There's no red carpet to the moon, you know. It's
a grueling four-day
ordeal. Wow. Are you excited to be here? Yes. I'm very excited. Are you? I was
excited that
time I walked on the moon. You know, sometimes astronauts have no choice but to
urinate in
their space suits. Ew. Very soon after I got the job, we were doing something
called rejected
commercial characters. And I thought, this is it. I could finally, like all
these years I spent
watching the show, this was my moment. It was a terrible joke. The Keebler elf
who bears a striking
resemblance to Randy Quaid. The head writers told me later that when they
showed it to Dave, Dave just
looked at it and said, why? It wasn't bad. There was just no point to it, you
see. So you won't be
seeing the Keebler elf who bears a striking resemblance to Randy Quaid. I had
this idea. We would bring in
a psychic. And a psychic would try to guess celebrity phone numbers. I believe
she referred to herself as
an intuitive. The intuitive was so bad that we wound up using her, I think, for
the next 15 years. And I
think with the exception of one time, she never got a single thing right.
Pamela Anderson. Pamela Anderson.
1, 2, 0, 8, 3, 1764.
Yes, my name is Dave Letterman. I'm calling from New York City. We're doing the
Late Show
on CBS. Have you ever seen the Late Show on CBS with Dave Letterman?
Yes, I have.
Ah. I'd like to speak to Pamela Anderson, please.
Pamela Anderson? Oh, I'm sure she's at this number.
When do you expect her? This is mail store trucking in Idaho.
And how long has Pamela been driving for you?
I was looking online and I found out that a man by the name of Thurl Ravencroft
or Ravenscroft,
I'm not sure, and my apology to the Ravencroft family or the Ravenscroft family.
He was the voice of Tony the Tiger.
I remember a lot of people calling me as soon as the piece aired, just because
they weren't quite sure how something like this made it to air.
But I remember it because it was one of the first pieces I ever wrote that I
thought this could get me fired.
Thurl Ravenscroft, the beloved voice of Tony the Tiger, passed away at the age
of 91.
Memorial services will be held at the St. Andrews Presbyterian Church in Orange
County,
and then Mr. Ravenscroft will be buried in a grave.
So long, my friend.
Is that all right to do?
I don't know. I guess that's all right. I don't know.
I had this idea that we would have a tube going from one of the coffee machines
in the Starbucks down the street through the theater to Dave's desk.
And I will tell you, when I wrote this, I thought there's no way this is going
to get picked because this is impossible.
All right. Go ahead. Turn on the pump.
All right.
How long does it take to cross Broadway? Do you have any idea?
We're going to find out.
All right. There he goes. Be careful. There goes the coffee.
Stand back.
So I'll keep the cup right there. Can you see it?
Look at that.
One day, ladies and gentlemen, everyone in America, you turn on the pump and
away we go.
Up on the big deal, there it comes.
Now we're rolling.
Look how exciting it's going to be when it actually enters the building.
All right.
Open the door. Here it comes.
Yeah, it looks a little watered down. Oh, there. That's better.
Oh, there. That's better.
This is just as dumb a thing as we've ever done.
It's in the theater, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
There was one I didn't write.
So Joe Grossman wrote this one.
It was Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman.
It was hilarious.
What was funny was Dave, I think, watched it after the show
and just said, we can't air this.
This is just too mean.
And it was the only one that never aired.
Come on.
Have some dignity, Letterman.
If I want to see Dustin Hoffman get jerked off by a senior citizen,
I'll rent The Graduate.
Now, Alan, that's not exactly what happened, Alan.
That is exactly what happened.
Hey, you got a pencil?
Do you?
Yeah, I have a pencil right here.
What do you...
Write this down, cock knob.
You gank my stash again.
I'll punch your wrinkled lips so far down your throat,
you'll be kissing your own ass.
Oh!
Hey!
As for you, Fonzie!
You cross me again, I'll string you up by your tongue
and go Jake LaMotta on your junk.
You!
You!
I'm talking to you!
And you, Ishtar!
I'll kick your nuts so hard you won't have to tuck your sack to play Tootsie!
One day I had this idea for a piece which would be a parody of the Shawshank
Redemption.
We always made the show out to be this horrible place to work. Like that was
one of our reference points.
I thought that would be fun that Alan tries to make an escape for it.
Alan crawled to freedom through ten yards of crap-smelling foulness I can't
even imagine.
Maybe I just don't want to.
Maybe I just don't want to.
Let's see.
Hey Alan, Dave's looking for ya.
Jeremy and I wrote this piece for Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts.
And they were going to play kind of a newlywed game.
Jeremy and I wrote a joke playing off this very famous answer given on the real
newlywed game.
How old is Tom?
With his tapes or without his tapes?
Hehehehe.
Right?
Sixty-one?
Fifty-one?
Sixty-one.
Sixty-one.
Oh.
Oh.
Uh, that was for a different question.
That was a different question.
Mind that.
Is any of this really going to get people to see our movie?
Oh, yeah.
Hopeless.
Oh, yeah.
Hopeless.
Oh, yeah.
Hopeless.
Oh, yeah.
Hopeless.
Oh, yeah.
Nobody does this show to get people to see their movie.
The head writers at the time, Eric and Justin Stengel, they had an idea.
They wanted to do a remote at 4:00 a.m.
They couldn't get it through or whatever.
So remembering that, I pitched, what if we did a whole show at 4:00 a.m.?
One funny story about that, Bob Borden never made it back to the show.
Who are you calling?
I'm calling Bob because Bob's asleep.
He was supposed to be here an hour and a half ago and he never showed up.
Who's this?
Who's this?
Who's this?
Who's this?
Bob?
Yeah?
Bob, are you asleep?
No.
Are you sure?
Who's this?
Are you here?
Where are you?
I'm in.
Are you in the hotel?
Yeah.
It's 1:30.
You there?
Ah, .
Now, this is by far the funniest thing that had ever happened as far as the
writers were concerned.
Paul is making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
He turns his head.
Dave runs into the kitchen without him looking, picks up the peanut butter,
shakes it, runs
out of frame.
Paul opens the peanut butter and it explodes.
So the first time they do it, Paul opens the thing and you really don't get
much at all.
They cranked it up.
All right.
So then Paul opens it and like, he's expecting something maybe just 5% bigger.
This thing exploded like the hydrogen bomb.
I am not exaggerating when I tell you for two hours, we just kept rewinding and
playing that over and over and over.
I need jelly.
All right.
All right.
You shook up my peanut butter.
You caught me again.
Carter and Craig wrote it to Alan Coulter.
It was like, what did you do on Mother's Day?
And it was, oh, it was lovely.
I picked up mom and first we went for a nut.
And it was like, oh, it was lovely.
I picked up mom and first we went for a nut.
It's getting creepier.
And then they're dancing on the thing.
And he starts leaning on the thing.
And he starts leaning on the thing.
And he starts leaning on the thing.
And he's like, oh, it was lovely.
I picked up mom and first we went for a nice dinner.
And it's getting creepier.
And then they're dancing on the thing.
And he starts leaning on the thing.
And he starts leaning on the thing.
And he's like, oh, it was lovely.
I picked up mom and first we went for a nice dinner.
And it's getting creepier.
And then they're dancing on the thing.
And he starts leaning in for a kiss.
Alan!
Hey!
Hey!
Hold it!
Hold it!
Stop!
Good God almighty!

Staff Favorite Moments: Writer Lee Ellenberg | Letterman

Hi, my name is Lee Ellenberg. I started at The Late Show in August of 94 as a
CBS page,
and then I worked in the ticket department. I was an assistant for two years,
and then I became a
writer in May of 2000. So I was a fan of Late Night very early on. One thing
that stands out
in my memory, some woman named Colleen Boyle, she wrote a letter making fun of
Dave because he was
wearing sneakers. And so Dave took a camera crew to visit this woman. When that
camera approached
that woman, there was genuine shock in her face. Hi. Are you Colleen? Are you
Colleen Boyle?
Yes. Did you write this letter, Colleen? So what's the deal with the sneakers?
I don't think
more of a brand would host their shows wearing high tops. Colleen Boyle. Colleen,
um, let's stop.
Come here. You didn't go in my room. We were in your room. Ask me a question
about your room.
You didn't go in like and see my room. Listen, this guy right here was sitting
on your bed.
Ooh. Change the sheets as soon as you can. The other thing that stands out were
the Chris Elliott
episodes. He did a taste test. Well, those are cute doggies. They are, aren't
they? Yeah.
Are those yours? No, they're not. Those are, those are props.
Dave, I think she's right. I can't tell much difference.
Yeah. All right. Thanks anyway, Chris. By the time the show went to CBS, there
were
still a couple of pieces that aired that captured the essence of the old show
very well. One
was a piece that Dave did called the Fun with a Car Phone. It's funny, once I
started working
there, I asked, like, how come I've never seen that piece again? And I was told
that they
couldn't air it because it violated FCC regulations.
Good afternoon. When? Yes, ma'am. I have a traffic report for you. What's that?
I'm, I'm at
between 75 and 76 on Columbus. I'm headed south and everything seems to be
moving along. Okay.
Okay. Will I hear that on the, on the radio? Everything's normal? Everything
seems to be
okay. Was there something wrong there before? I don't know. I'm just driving
through now. No,
we don't put one. We only report when things are backed up. Oh. Uh, all right.
Well, I
keep my eyes open. Okay. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. The guy right out front now
eating
watermelon. Watermelon? What? Stuff's delicious. Is this a fork, sir? Yeah. Do
you have a fork?
No, I haven't paid yet. How much? How much is this? You didn't pay? I haven't
paid.
You're still a $2. You are? Oh.
My other favorite remote was a piece done by Carter Bays and Craig Thomas. They
started writing
pieces for Buzz Aldrin. And then they had the idea to have Buzz Aldrin cover
the daytime Emmys
space in his astronaut suit. There's no red carpet to the moon, you know. It's
a grueling four-day
ordeal. Wow. Are you excited to be here? Yes. I'm very excited. Are you? I was
excited that
time I walked on the moon. You know, sometimes astronauts have no choice but to
urinate in
their space suits. Ew. Very soon after I got the job, we were doing something
called rejected
commercial characters. And I thought, this is it. I could finally, like all
these years I spent
watching the show, this was my moment. It was a terrible joke. The Keebler elf
who bears a striking
resemblance to Randy Quaid. The head writers told me later that when they
showed it to Dave, Dave just
looked at it and said, why? It wasn't bad. There was just no point to it, you
see. So you won't be
seeing the Keebler elf who bears a striking resemblance to Randy Quaid. I had
this idea. We would bring in
a psychic. And a psychic would try to guess celebrity phone numbers. I believe
she referred to herself as
an intuitive. The intuitive was so bad that we wound up using her, I think, for
the next 15 years. And I
think with the exception of one time, she never got a single thing right.
Pamela Anderson. Pamela Anderson.
1, 2, 0, 8, 3, 1764.
Yes, my name is Dave Letterman. I'm calling from New York City. We're doing the
Late Show
on CBS. Have you ever seen the Late Show on CBS with Dave Letterman?
Yes, I have.
Ah. I'd like to speak to Pamela Anderson, please.
Pamela Anderson? Oh, I'm sure she's at this number.
When do you expect her? This is mail store trucking in Idaho.
And how long has Pamela been driving for you?
I was looking online and I found out that a man by the name of Thurl Ravencroft
or Ravenscroft,
I'm not sure, and my apology to the Ravencroft family or the Ravenscroft family.
He was the voice of Tony the Tiger.
I remember a lot of people calling me as soon as the piece aired, just because
they weren't quite sure how something like this made it to air.
But I remember it because it was one of the first pieces I ever wrote that I
thought this could get me fired.
Thurl Ravenscroft, the beloved voice of Tony the Tiger, passed away at the age
of 91.
Memorial services will be held at the St. Andrews Presbyterian Church in Orange
County,
and then Mr. Ravenscroft will be buried in a grave.
So long, my friend.
Is that all right to do?
I don't know. I guess that's all right. I don't know.
I had this idea that we would have a tube going from one of the coffee machines
in the Starbucks down the street through the theater to Dave's desk.
And I will tell you, when I wrote this, I thought there's no way this is going
to get picked because this is impossible.
All right. Go ahead. Turn on the pump.
All right.
How long does it take to cross Broadway? Do you have any idea?
We're going to find out.
All right. There he goes. Be careful. There goes the coffee.
Stand back.
So I'll keep the cup right there. Can you see it?
Look at that.
One day, ladies and gentlemen, everyone in America, you turn on the pump and
away we go.
Up on the big deal, there it comes.
Now we're rolling.
Look how exciting it's going to be when it actually enters the building.
All right.
Open the door. Here it comes.
Yeah, it looks a little watered down. Oh, there. That's better.
Oh, there. That's better.
This is just as dumb a thing as we've ever done.
It's in the theater, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to be right back.
There was one I didn't write.
So Joe Grossman wrote this one.
It was Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman.
It was hilarious.
What was funny was Dave, I think, watched it after the show
and just said, we can't air this.
This is just too mean.
And it was the only one that never aired.
Come on.
Have some dignity, Letterman.
If I want to see Dustin Hoffman get jerked off by a senior citizen,
I'll rent The Graduate.
Now, Alan, that's not exactly what happened, Alan.
That is exactly what happened.
Hey, you got a pencil?
Do you?
Yeah, I have a pencil right here.
What do you...
Write this down, cock knob.
You gank my stash again.
I'll punch your wrinkled lips so far down your throat,
you'll be kissing your own ass.
Oh!
Hey!
As for you, Fonzie!
You cross me again, I'll string you up by your tongue
and go Jake LaMotta on your junk.
You!
You!
I'm talking to you!
And you, Ishtar!
I'll kick your nuts so hard you won't have to tuck your sack to play Tootsie!
One day I had this idea for a piece which would be a parody of the Shawshank
Redemption.
We always made the show out to be this horrible place to work. Like that was
one of our reference points.
I thought that would be fun that Alan tries to make an escape for it.
Alan crawled to freedom through ten yards of crap-smelling foulness I can't
even imagine.
Maybe I just don't want to.
Maybe I just don't want to.
Let's see.
Hey Alan, Dave's looking for ya.
Jeremy and I wrote this piece for Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts.
And they were going to play kind of a newlywed game.
Jeremy and I wrote a joke playing off this very famous answer given on the real
newlywed game.
How old is Tom?
With his tapes or without his tapes?
Hehehehe.
Right?
Sixty-one?
Fifty-one?
Sixty-one.
Sixty-one.
Oh.
Oh.
Uh, that was for a different question.
That was a different question.
Mind that.
Is any of this really going to get people to see our movie?
Oh, yeah.
Hopeless.
Oh, yeah.
Hopeless.
Oh, yeah.
Hopeless.
Oh, yeah.
Hopeless.
Oh, yeah.
Nobody does this show to get people to see their movie.
The head writers at the time, Eric and Justin Stengel, they had an idea.
They wanted to do a remote at 4:00 a.m.
They couldn't get it through or whatever.
So remembering that, I pitched, what if we did a whole show at 4:00 a.m.?
One funny story about that, Bob Borden never made it back to the show.
Who are you calling?
I'm calling Bob because Bob's asleep.
He was supposed to be here an hour and a half ago and he never showed up.
Who's this?
Who's this?
Who's this?
Who's this?
Bob?
Yeah?
Bob, are you asleep?
No.
Are you sure?
Who's this?
Are you here?
Where are you?
I'm in.
Are you in the hotel?
Yeah.
It's 1:30.
You there?
Ah, .
Now, this is by far the funniest thing that had ever happened as far as the
writers were concerned.
Paul is making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
He turns his head.
Dave runs into the kitchen without him looking, picks up the peanut butter,
shakes it, runs
out of frame.
Paul opens the peanut butter and it explodes.
So the first time they do it, Paul opens the thing and you really don't get
much at all.
They cranked it up.
All right.
So then Paul opens it and like, he's expecting something maybe just 5% bigger.
This thing exploded like the hydrogen bomb.
I am not exaggerating when I tell you for two hours, we just kept rewinding and
playing that over and over and over.
I need jelly.
All right.
All right.
You shook up my peanut butter.
You caught me again.
Carter and Craig wrote it to Alan Coulter.
It was like, what did you do on Mother's Day?
And it was, oh, it wa