Name: Viewer Mail: Dave's First Beard Club | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-04-20T16:34:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Dave's First Beard Club | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Dave's First Beard Club | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-20. Transcript available.

All right, let's get right to the letters, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't need to tell you.
These are actual letters from actual viewers across North America.
If they weren't, would I be able to do this?
Letter number one.
Dear Dave, my girlfriend would like to be your cardholder.
This letter, I believe, is talking about cue cards,
and it comes to us from Tim Evans, Columbus, Ohio.
Thank you very much for the letter.
You know, Tim, we contacted your girlfriend, talked to her about the job.
She was interested, as you mentioned, and so we gave her the job, and she's
terrific.
In fact, she's holding the cue cards for me right now.
So again, Tim, thank you very much for telling us all about her.
Believe me, she is the best.
Oh, and one other thing.
I don't love you anymore.
In fact, I never loved you.
I'm sorry.
I thought this would be the kindest way to tell you.
By the way, Tim, I will never, never, as long as I live, date another mouth
breather.
So there you go.
Just remember this, Paul.
Mouth breathers are people, too.
What are mouth breathers, exactly?
I don't know.
Neither does the audience.
Letter number two.
Dear Dave, do you have a David Letterman Friends Club I could join?
A loyal fan, Marcella Quintanilla, Monterrey, Nuevo Leon, Mexico.
The question here regarding some kind of a friends club, some kind of a fans
club.
And the answer is no.
I'm not really a member of a club.
I do, I kind of belong to a, well, it's more like a movement.
In fact, Paul is a member of it as well.
And we have meetings like once a month.
We had a meeting Monday.
Remember, Paul?
Yeah, remember, geez, that was only a couple of days ago.
Gosh, that was a lot of fun.
Meeting adjourned.
Ah, great.
Nice meeting this week.
Nice to have you enjoyed it.
See you tomorrow night.
Enjoy the casserole.
Nice to have you again.
Can I give you a ride?
Good to have you here.
Next year.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
See you next week.
Yeah.
Good, Paul.
Thanks.
There's a meeting here tonight of the silent studio audience.
I don't want to disturb them.
Well, cults are not necessarily hysterical.
Exactly.
Good point, Paul.
Letter number three.
Dear Dave, what the hell is going on with baseball salaries?
What could the players and the owners be thinking?
Don't you think it's time for the fans to say enough is enough?
Kevin Roby, Athens, Ohio.
I'll tell you something, Kevin.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Let's go back to the phones.
Hello.
You're on Sports Talk.
Hi, Dave.
I was really drunk one night and I signed up for the NBC triple cast.
Yeah.
Is there any way I can get out of that?
No, no.
You can't.
You can't get out of that.
You try that.
You try to get out, they're going to sue you.
So just sit back and enjoy the 62 hours of amateur boxing.
Let's take another call.
Hello.
You're on Sports Talk.
Hi, Dave.
Me and my buddies wrote a song for Bo Jackson.
Ready?
Okay.
You play baseball and football and your hip is hurt.
You did a commercial with Bo Diddley and your hip is hurt.
You play baseball and football and your hip is hurt.
You did a commercial with Bo Diddley and your hip is hurt.
Okay, fine.
Inmates.
Hello.
Let's go now to Marv from Manhattan.
You're on Sports Talk.
Go ahead, please.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Marv.
Hi, Dave.
A word of advice.
Yeah.
Move on to the next letter.
Adios, amigos.
Marv, come here.
Come here, Marv.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
This is the way it was supposed to be.
It wasn't supposed to be, adios, amigos.
You're on your way to Spain for the big Olympics.
This is how it was supposed to be.
Adios.
Amigos.
That's the way it was supposed to be.
Try it one more time.
Brad, come back in and try it one more time.
Just the adios, amigos part.
Actually, I'm very busy.
I know you're very busy.
Just go back and come right back in.
And this time, Marv, like you're really going to Spain, okay?
I'm serious.
It's a setup, right?
Adios.
Amigos.
Roll some R's.
I want to hear some R's trill.
Adios.
Like that.
Amigos.
And then blow them a kiss.
This will be great.
Okay, let's go to Marv from Manhattan.
Hello, you're on Sports Talk.
Dave, actually, I'm very busy.
Yeah.
Come on.
All right, right now?
Yeah, let's do it.
Dave, here's some advice for you.
Yeah.
All right.
That's your last letter?
Oh, yeah.
How do you want the...
Move on to the next letter.
Move on to the next letter.
Where's the word?
Is that it?
Okay.
And now you want the big finish?
The big finish, Marv.
To you or to the crowd?
Marv, I thought we talked about you going to happy hour before.
What the size?
Just all we really want is the big send-off.
Adios, amigos.
And then, like you were getting on a horse and riding into the sunset.
You know, Dave, it's not me, though.
I don't care.
It's not me.
Marv, do it.
Okay, one to the crowd.
Yes.
I prefer doing it to the crowd.
Fine.
Adios, amigos.
It's all right.
It was all right.
It was all right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It was all right.
It was all right.
He's going off to the Olympics.
He won't be back till Labor Day, and I just thought it was...
Adios, amigos.
Letter number four.
Dear Dave, where do the two sets of stairs that are behind Paul go to?
Mispositioning of the preposition, I believe.
Nonetheless, let's carry on.
Sincerely, Jason Zemke, Cottage Grove, Minnesota.
He's questioning us about the staircases back there behind Paul.
I don't know.
Paul, where do those stairways lead?
Where do they go?
These?
You mean these stairs here?
Yeah, where the hell do they go?
Oh, well, these stairs lead up to my forensic laboratory.
Wow.
I had no idea you had a forensic laboratory up there.
Good Lord.
Gentlemen, you are about to enter the exciting world of forensic medicine.
Can I interest you in a delicious bag of Eagle Brand potato chips?
Find out what happens when a fastidious snack food spokesman moves in with a
messy crime-fighting
coroner.
Saturdays at 9 on NBC.
We have to do a commercial.
We'll be back with John Fenster.
Adios!
Amigo!
It just occurred to me, sometimes I think I may be a marketing genius.
You know, NBC has this Olympic triple cast coverage that they're having a lot
of trouble
moving and they're taking a bath to the tune of $150 million on it.
Really?
All they needed to do was to sell this program at the end of each one of those
commercials
emphasizing what you get when you sign up for the pay-per-view.
Just have Marv Albert dressed like the Cisco kid on a beautiful white Palomino
stallion,
turn to the camera and say,
Adios, amigos!
Blow them a kiss and then right off through the cactus.
And I'm telling you, that thing would have been selling like hotcakes.
Want to try an Adios, amigos here?
Give them one of those.
Come on, John.
Adios, amigos!
Thank you very much.