Name: CBS Mailbag: Casey Kasem Counts Down The Letters | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-04-27T20:17:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS Mailbag: Casey Kasem Counts Down The Letters | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS Mailbag: Casey Kasem Counts Down The Letters | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-27. Transcript available.

How much you can do about it now? I got a stain. I've been told I've got a
stain on my jacket.
Is that right? Look at that. Ooh, God, what is that?
Sick, doesn't it?
I don't think you need to react violently, ladies and gentlemen.
I mean, who among us hasn't had a stain in an embarrassing part of their
clothing at some...
Bring in the jacket. Do we have another?
That's nice to know. $200 million TV show here on the network and I'm dressed
like a squeegee guy.
I'm terribly embarrassed about that big, ugly stain on my jacket. How are we
coming on the other jacket? Anybody seen another jacket?
I'll tell you what, if we're on the air much longer, we should get a backup
jacket. That could be a cute idea.
Dear Dave, letter number one. By the way, these are actual letters from actual
viewers and sit real close to the TV because who knows, tonight, perhaps we'll
be reading your letter.
Okay, and here's how we do it. I say letter number one, letter number one, and
then Paul says...
I say letter number one.
All right, I say letter number one.
Letter number one.
And then Casey says... Casey Kasem says... Our number one letter tonight makes
its CBS mailbag debut at number one.
Thank you very much, Casey. Casey Kasem.
Casey Kasem.
That's the greatest.
Helping out with the big number countdown tonight.
I love it.
Mr. Letterman, I've always admired Paul Schaefer's individuality and his taste
in clothing.
Is there a chance I might get a peek at his wardrobe closet?
I suspect that it would be interesting.
Voyeuristically yours, John, Mr. Peeper's, Turhees, Salem, Oregon.
Coincidentally, I don't have a jacket, and tonight we have a question about
your wardrobe right there, Paul.
Uh, John, of course, I can't let you look into Paul's closet.
That would be, uh, intrusive.
But, Paul, why don't you show, uh, the viewers what jacket you're wearing
tonight.
Look at this right over there.
This is the jacket, and this is the, uh...
-Oh, there's the label. -The label right here.
-Sure. Uh-huh. And...
-Whoa, yeah. Look at it.
-Nice, isn't it? Nice stuff.
-60-year-old now, huh? -Very, uh, inexpensive, too.
Thank you, John!
Now, would it be something if a little later a stain appears?
-Oh. Then you'd know something.
-That may suggest a whole other realm of difficulty.
That ain't, strictly speaking, a wardrobe problem.
Letter number two.
-Letter number two. -Casey?
-The countdown doesn't stop till we reach the top.
Holding steady from last week at number two, here's letter number two.
-Letter number two. Thank you very much, Casey.
Dear Dave, do you and Paul ever play with puppets?
Love from, uh, Ray Baker, Thornhill, Ontario.
Uh, no. Ray, Paul and I don't ever play with puppets,
but, uh, one of the guys in the band, Anton, I think,
he does something with, uh, what is it you do, Anton?
You play with something that's interesting.
-Yeah, Dave, you know, puppets are for children,
but sometimes I like to dress my drumsticks up like you and Paul.
-Oh, that's cute, Anton.
So now you use those drumsticks to look like Paul and myself,
and you're gonna play all night with the drums and the sticks, huh?
-Yeah, well, actually, Dave, I was just gonna yank both the heads off
and eat them!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
In a moment.
Aretha Franklin's number one hit, Respect,
was written by none other than R&B legend Otis Redding.
Yeah, how about that?
Here's letter number three.
Letter number three. Thank you very much, Casey.
Dear Dave, I am a senior associate
at the law firm of LeBroom and Doak in Philadelphia.
So, Dave, do you need any legal assistance?
Sincerely, John J. Daly, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
No, John, The Late Show here at CBS.
We have an excellent legal staff,
and on their advice, by the way,
tonight we're going to take a moment
for something a little unusual for the program.
You know, for the last three weeks,
The Late Show has been visited
by a man dressed as Ronald McDonald.
So, for legal reasons tonight,
we're allowing the CEO of McDonald's,
Mr. Charles Trumbull,
to respond on behalf of his company.
Charles?
Thank you, Mr. Letterman.
Thank you, Mr. Letterman.
And let me begin by saying
McDonald's does have a sense of humor.
I personally enjoy your Big Ten list
and your audience response segment,
and so on.
But your recent depictions of Ronald McDonald
have gone too far.
I call upon David Letterman and his staff
to portray our company and its products
in a fair and responsible manner.
Or, I regret to say,
we'll have to resort to legal proceedings
in order to get this truck,
and I do not know how to...
I was hit by an X-ray!
I was hit by an X-ray!
I was hit by an X-ray!
I was hit by an X-ray!
I was hit by an X-ray!
I was hit by an X-ray!
I was hit by an X-ray!
I was hit by an X-ray!
I was hit by an X-ray!
Wow!
Man!
This is a high drama here tonight!
Let's see, where are we?
Letter number four.
Letter number four, ladies and gentlemen.
Letter number four.
Letter number four.
Casey?
Our fourth and final letter
is a long-distance dedication
from a listener in New York City.
He writes,
Dear Casey,
I'm a large, disoriented clown.
I have very little pleasure in my life
except for the few hours I spend
listening to your show each week.
It would make my day
if you dedicate letter number four
to my mommy.
Sincerely, Ronald McDonald.
P.S.
I'm nuts.
Well, Ronald,
it would be my pleasure
here from you
to your mommy
is letter number four.
Letter number four.
I just wondered,
when did the entrance
for the Nobel Prize
for literature have to be in?
Is it too late
to get an application in there more?
I'm telling you,
tonight's show,
scoot that right to the top.
Letter number...
Letter number four.
Dear Dave,
I think you're really a good guy.
Thank you very much.
Would you like to go out
on a date sometime?
Please give me a call.
Sincerely, Martha Previte,
Lawrence, Massachusetts.
Well, that's a very sweet letter,
Martha,
and thank you very much.
I couldn't be more flattered.
And maybe, you know,
who knows,
maybe one day
we could go out on a date.
But, you know,
you're right about one thing.
I am.
I am a terrific date.
I'm a...
I'm nothing...
You know, I'm the...
Fun.
Hey, let me tell you something.
Fun follows me around,
especially on a date.
But don't take my word for it.
Here, listen to some
of the women I've dated.
I remember being impressed
when he laughed at my jokes,
but then he wouldn't stop.
He just kept laughing
and laughing for hours.
Our first and only date
was a blind one.
Dave showed up in scuba gear.
In bed,
Dave would always ask me
to call him Merv.
Dave just amused himself
by making little mustaches
out of paper napkins.
Make these paper mustaches.
Paper mustaches.
And the table candle
lit his paper mustache on fire.
I sat with him
in the hospital
for 10 hours.
He was very...
irritating.
Gruesome.
Tender.
He was just a
f***ing bag.
So you see,
have a great date.
Well,
there you go.
It's Fleet Week.
We had to do
a little something
for the sailors
tonight, Jenna.
Paul, thank you.
Paul, thank you very much
for your help.
My pleasure.
Casey, thank you very much
for your help.
I'm Casey Casey.
Till next time,
keep your feet in the ground
and keep reaching
for the sun.
Hear that?
Let's close up.
Thank you.