Name: Dave Responds To Viewer Comments | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-05-17T22:19:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Responds To Viewer Comments | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Responds To Viewer Comments | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-17. Transcript available.

Hi, everybody. This is The Barbara Gaines Show. Welcome to The Barbara Gaines
Show.
Hi.
Hi, and this is Dave. This is not Barbara Gaines.
Hi, how are you? Thank you very much for having me on the show, Mary.
As you can tell, Barbara, our normal host, is not here today.
Yeah, where is Barbara?
Uh, Barbara.
And by the way, thank you for filling in.
Sure.
I think it's very kind of you because the last couple of shows, you weren't
here at all.
Yes, that's right. I was...
Where were you?
Yeah, I don't like doing this show.
A lot of people expect to see you on the show and enjoy your participation on
the show.
I think otherwise.
I think you bring quite a lot to the program, frankly.
Well, let's not argue about that.
Anyway, where's Barbara?
Barbara, can we say where Barbara is or do you have some comical answer to
where Barbara is?
Yeah, Barbara's busy.
Barbara's busy.
Yeah, Barbara's...
Barbara's busy.
Busy, so she couldn't be on her own show.
Yeah, that's right.
Because she's busy.
She's busy, yeah.
These things come up.
You know, you've got to live your life.
She's got things to do.
Sure.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so now, last time, there was a time before when it was just you and me.
It's like when the substitute teacher is...
But you're no substitute.
You're the big draw.
People love seeing you on the program.
They like what you have to say.
They like your explicit indifference.
They like your aggressive apathy.
They like everything about it.
My bad attitude.
Yes, your poor attitude.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Okay, so here we go.
No, no, here we go with what?
Okay, so I have something.
So this is...
Last time, it was just you and me, and Barbara was busy.
Uh-huh.
It's like when the substitute teacher is in.
Right.
It's like the backup lesson plan.
So what we're going to do today is answer some questions from the viewers.
Comments.
Comments.
We'll comment on comments from the viewers.
This is a great idea.
Yeah, okay.
Ready?
Yes.
Okay, here's the first question.
Question.
Comment?
Oh, this is a comment.
This is more of a comment.
Yeah.
Wow, this is a good...
Dave seems younger now than he did 20 years ago.
Well, let me just say one thing.
That's a load of shit.
Yeah.
In fact, I'm 20 years older than I was 20 years ago.
You know it, and I know it.
Okay, next comment.
I think maybe they're talking about your spirit, your energy.
Okay, let's go on.
Your hat.
Yeah, my hat is...
It's a hat of a young man.
It's a brand new hat.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, same to you.
And ring the bell and subscribe.
Like.
Like.
You have to say...
Oh, you hit it like?
You hit the like button, right?
Isn't that what the kids say?
I mean, to what end?
This is like a Pavlovian thing with no reward.
So what?
The reward is you.
Hit it a thousand times and we'll still be here with or without you.
In fact, we don't need anybody watching this.
That's not true.
You need your fans.
You need your...
But what happens when they punch the thing?
They subscribe.
So what does that mean?
But there's no money involved.
It's the connection with Dave.
Oh, brother.
This is pretty meager.
We get...
If a kid subscribes, a boy or a girl subscribes, then we get money?
Not directly, but...
Well, who gets the money?
Eventually, we will get money because then that will...
Oh, this is just an ugly turn.
No, no, no.
You're doing this for art.
No, no.
This is business.
It's all business.
Don't worry about that.
No, it's the connection with the audience.
Okay.
Bob, if we're reading your comment, go ahead and subscribe.
Bob.
Okay.
Here's a second comment.
Mary, that's me.
Oh, one for you.
Yeah, this is for me.
Mary's reaction is maybe my favorite moment in all of the episodes of The
Barbara Gaines Show.
Yes, and whenever I sit near the reaction, I can feel the kind of blood-curdling
dislike just sort of boiling up out of her pores.
Is that aggressive to excessive?
No, I think you nailed it.
Is it Barbara?
I will say...
You don't like being on the show, do you?
I don't like being on camera.
I love you.
I love Barbara.
Oh, that's kind.
That's very kind.
I don't like being on the show.
But your countenance brightens the whole thing up.
I don't know about that, but that's nice of you to say.
No, I think you're hiding your light under a barrel or a bushel.
A big barrel.
Okay.
Let's move on.
Number three, who's the guy sitting down behind them?
Has he ever been acknowledged?
Oh, these are guys.
I have an auto and home insurance agency, and these are the guys that will give
you...
You call now.
They'll give you a quote about bundling your home and auto insurance, and that's
what they're doing.
And I have a piece of this action, and in return, they get to use the desk and
the phones.
That's who they are.
That's Larry.
Larry?
And the other one is Bob.
Bob?
Bob has a bad attitude.
Bob's on a Zoom.
Yeah.
That's who they are.
Okay.
Think about bundling your auto and home insurance, and then call Larry or Bob.
You'll be glad you did.
They're both great guys.
Yeah.
Okay.
Here's another one.
Are you shooting this program in the lobby of a hospital?
Yes, we are.
Maybe Mr. Paul Schaefer could compose a short but snappy theme tune for your
broadcast.
In the hospital.
In the hospital.
Hey, hey, we're in the hospital.
Ta-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Yeah.
That would be that.
Yeah, this is a hospital.
This is one of New York's finest hospitals.
That's the name of it, New York's finest hospital.
And here we are, and again, it's all because I need such great daily medical
attention, we've
worked out a deal where we get to produce the show in the lobby of New York's
finest
hospital.
Paul would write a killer theme song for that, though.
Paul is great.
You should call him.
I spoke with him a couple of days ago.
He's doing wonderfully.
Does he have time to compose a theme song?
It's pretty busy.
Can you afford Paul?
No.
Well, this is not my show.
It's Barbara Gaines and those people.
Okay, here's another one.
Barbara, this is a question, but kind of a comment.
Barbara Gaines' show is the best thing on YouTube, question mark.
So I guess that Barbara Gaines' show is the best thing on YouTube?
Oh, it is.
I know people in research, deep research with the internet, the dark web and
such, and they
have told me, and this is not for public reveal, but that of all of the
programs on YouTube,
and it's nearly infinite, the best show in several categories, the best show,
the most
watched show, the most highest subscription for a show on YouTube, and on and
on and on.
The metrics are endless.
All comes up, Barbara Gaines.
Pick a show.
Mr. Beast, not even a close second or third.
Any show that you can think of.
The only name I can think of now is Dick Clark.
His show, not even in the top ten.
Dick Clark is dead, you know.
No, I didn't.
You're thinking of Ryan Seacrest, who is no longer on the Kathy Lee show.
Yeah, he's very much alive.
Dick Clark is no longer with us.
Final question.
Oh, is Dave wearing a beanie or a toque?
I don't even know that word.
Toque?
Is that a word?
Yeah, a toque is what a chef would wear.
Oh.
But this is not a toque, not a beanie.
It's like a newsboy cap.
Yeah, it's a newsie.
I think they call them newsies or something.
I don't know.
It's one of these.
Here, here.
Anybody can get one.
Don't, just, so what?
Leave it.
Look, do I come to your house and spit on stuff you wear?
No.
I don't even know where you live.
Leave me alone.
You try, you're, you're, you're alienating the fans.
I'm alienating the fans.
Yeah, that's why you gotta subscribe.
Subscribe.
I think that's a great place to end.
Barbara, come back soon, please.
Good night.
Guys, toque, come on.
Toque?
Oh, toque.
Well, you said toque.
I didn't, I've never seen the word before.
Thank you.