Name: Comedian Mitch Fatel Thinks About Sex All The Time | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-05-26T22:38:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Comedian Mitch Fatel Thinks About Sex All The Time | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Comedian Mitch Fatel Thinks About Sex All The Time | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-26. Transcript available.

Our next guest is a very funny comedian who is making his network television
debut with us here tonight.
He also appears regularly at the comic strip in town.
And all this week he will be appearing, I believe, just a couple of blocks down
the street on Broadway at Caroline's.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mitch Fattel.
Mitch!
Yeah.
Thank you.
Hi, thank you everybody.
My name is Mitch and I'm very funny.
So I think about sex a lot.
I know that women are always yelling at us and stuff.
They're always like, oh, you should stop thinking about sex all the time.
We can't.
It's not our fault.
They did a study and they found that guys have a sexual thought once every 11
seconds.
Yeah.
That is really scary.
You know what's even scarier?
Until the next thought comes.
There's nothing.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Thanks.
I'm very funny.
So I'm...
But I'm not very cool.
I don't know if you can tell, but I'm not cool.
I don't know why.
I didn't get like the guy manual or something because I don't do anything guy
like.
I don't drink beer or shoot birds or shoot birds or say stuff like, the bigger
the cushion, the better the pushing.
And I'm like, totally afraid of bugs.
And I'm like, totally afraid of bugs.
Aren't guys not supposed to be afraid of bugs?
I found a bug in my apartment.
It scared the hell out of me.
It was huge.
It had a beeper.
It was like the biggest bug.
Yeah.
And I totally freaked out.
And I call a landlord.
Isn't that like really wimpy or something?
I'm like, hello?
There's a really big bug in my apartment.
And the landlord yells at me.
He's like, we don't have bugs.
And I'm like, yeah, we do.
Because I'm reading this book.
I'm being aggressive, you know?
Yeah.
And I'm like, yeah, we do.
And he's like, no, we don't.
And I'm like, yeah, we do.
And he's like, no, we don't.
And even the bug is like, here, let me talk to him.
Thank you.
Thanks.
I'm wearing a suit.
So I don't have a girlfriend right now.
I had a girlfriend, but we broke up.
She broke up with me, which I think is better.
It's always better when the girl breaks up with a guy.
Because then it's over in five minutes, you know?
Because then the guy just says his piece, which is like,
you suck.
And that's it.
It's over, you know?
Yeah.
But when a guy breaks up with a girl,
you need an entire afternoon free.
Because there's going to be questioning and witnesses and forms to fill out.
Suddenly your girlfriend turns into Johnny Cochran, you know?
She's like, let me ask you a question.
Is it not true that you said that we would be together forever?
And I'm like, I don't recall saying that.
And then she's like, well, maybe this card will refresh your memory.
And then I learned an important lesson.
Women save every single thing you give them.
What we consider gifts, they consider potential evidence that can be used
against you at a later date.
My girlfriend is much smarter than me, which, you know, stunk because she
always had to rub it in.
You know, like after sex, we would be having pillow talk.
That's what she called it.
I called it waiting for her to be quiet so I could go to sleep talk.
So we would be in bed and she'd be like, you know, my philosophy is I'm not
going to be a follower.
I'm going to be a leader.
What's your philosophy?
I'm like, I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler.
So now I'm, thanks, I'm killing.
So now I'm, so now I'm single.
I don't like being single because you have to be really like mean to be single.
You're like, I never realized how mean guys can be.
And then I was in this bar, right?
And this guy walks over to a girl.
She's really hot.
She had those nails with the designs on them, you know?
Yeah.
So he walks over to her and he's like, you are really pretty.
Do you want to dance with me?
And the girl goes, no, thank you.
You know?
And then the guy goes, you got a fat ass anyway.
Is that, that's like, yeah.
Is that like the meanest, that's like the meanest thing I ever heard.
I felt so bad for the girl.
I walked over to her and I'm like, that guy is an idiot.
You know?
Thinking she'd be like, we have to have sex.
But I'm, no, but she didn't say that.
She just goes, do I know you?
And I'm like, no, I'm just being nice.
And she's like, well, I can take care of myself, okay?
And I'm like, oh, okay.
It's just, you know, there's a lot to take care of with that big fat ass.
Thank you.
That's nice to know everybody.
Thank you very much.
Great job, Mitch.
Very, very funny.
Nice to see you.
Please come back tomorrow night.
Diana Ross will be here now.
Stay tuned for Tom Snyder.
Thanks for watching.
Good night, everybody.
Good night, everybody.
Please mow the lawn.
Thank you.