Name: Dane Cook's Network Television Debut | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-06-02T22:21:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dane Cook's Network Television Debut | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dane Cook's Network Television Debut | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-02. Transcript available.

Hey, we're quite excited that our next guest is making his network television
debut with us tonight.
He can be seen in Boston at the Comedy Connection on October 3rd and 4th.
Please welcome the very funny Dane Cook.
Dane?
Thank you very much.
Yes, I am very, very excited to be here.
I'll tell you a little about myself.
When I was a little kid, I was a terrible speller.
I could not spell, so my mom and dad tried to help me out.
They got me a little helper, a little friend, a little aide.
They got me a little red box called Speak and Spell.
You remember Speak and Spell?
No, no.
They shouldn't have called it Speak and Spell.
What they should have called it?
Speak like the devil.
Remember the voice?
A-E-I-O-U.
No, no way.
That thing was evil.
That thing used to wake me in the middle of the night.
Play with me.
A-B-C-D-E-F-G.
I will kill your family.
I'm eight years old.
I spell great.
I talk like a freak.
I'm like, what is wrong with me, mom?
What?
I had that.
I had another game.
It was electronic.
When you started this off, you were a genius.
By the end of this game, you were a complete loser.
It's called Simon.
Okay, wait.
It was round.
It had four colorful cubes.
All you had to do, remember.
That's it.
It wasn't easy, though.
This was any kid having a game assignment.
Here it is.
Ready?
*singing*
"Mom!"
"Help me!"
*singing*
Wasn't easy 'cause I had to share everything I had growing up with one brother,
five sisters.
That was... I had to wear a bra just to fit in. Thank you. Hi.
If you have brothers growing up, too, that's one thing. Brothers growing up,
you get, like, you know, noogies, wedgies.
I had five sisters. What did I get? Makeovers.
They used to dress me in their clothes and send me to school in their fashions.
I'm the only kid in eighth grade wearing jellies. Nice.
Nice. Remember jellies? Remember me get a rocket and be like...
Monopoly. There's a game everybody had. And I don't care who you are. You did
not like the game. And it's simple. Why? It's simple. Because this is anybody
two and a half hours into a game of Monopoly. Ready? Here it is.
I quit!
I have a life!
When I was little, my dream, all I wanted to do was take karate. I used to run
around my house.
And I begged my dad. I was like, Dad, please, can I take karate? Come on.
But he was cheap. My dad was a cheap old man. What he did is my sisters were
taking a free aerobics class.
He sent me two aerobics with them and told me it was karate. What if I believed
that and I got in like a fight after school with some kids? I'd be like, you
want to do it? Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Come on. Yes. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Let's go. You are going down. Way downtown. All right. Thank
you.
Got to protect yourself. I wish I knew karate because especially at night, like
ATM machines, it's scary.
You walk up like Mission Impossible, you walk up to the...
You lean against it, you know, you pretend you're hitting more buttons than
actually you need to.
In case somebody has like a telescopic lens, you're like, I have a 14-digit
code.
I like when you get those loud machines that let everybody know how much money
you're getting. You put in the amount, it's like...
It's just 20. All at once.
You can't be in a good mood. You can't be all happy.
Walk up to the machine in front of a crowd of people and be like, ha, entering
my pin.
English.
Withdraw.
One hundred dollars. All right.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
I'll tell you this before I go, too.
I went to school with a couple of my sisters, and that was kind of odd.
One thing girls would do to the guys in school, girls in class would make those
paper things, those little...
Pick a number, please.
Four, one, two, three, four.
Color, please pick a color.
Purple, P-U-R-P-L-E.
You've got cooties.
Thank you very much.
We'll see you next time.