Name: Dave Calls Out CNN And The White House | Letterman
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Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Calls Out CNN And The White House | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Calls Out CNN And The White House | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-07. Transcript available.

You need to maintain spending discipline in our nation's capital.
I've had a plan to protect small business owners and employees from...
I actually did vote for the $87 billion with all your heart.
Statehouse members, all the local officials, a high sheriff is with us today.
You're worried about the quality of the education and community in which you
live.
We stand for the fair treatment of faith-based groups who will receive federal
support for their work and passion.
This will not happen on my watch.
George W. Bush invigorating America's youth.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, I have to explain something.
This is going to be very complicated because it's already a legal ordeal.
And it's the kind of thing I always step my foot into.
And it's a huge mess.
And I just want to remind you of something.
We're just kids here trying to have fun.
Isn't that right, Paul?
That's all we're trying to do.
Just trying to.
Because at the end of the day, we're all weary.
You know, we've all had problems at work.
There's problems with the world, problems with the family, problems with the
wife, problems with the husband.
God, stop.
So at the end of the day, we just want to sort of unplug and let everybody
relax and enjoy themselves as they drift off into some sort of medically-assisted
sleep.
Which is really true in my case.
I see.
Anyway.
So now, last night, we had this thing.
It was called George W. Bush Motivates America's Youth or something like that.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And it was very funny.
And it was a video footage of George W. Bush speaking at a big fundraiser in
Orlando, Florida.
And they were, you know, it's the Republicans, so they were raising billions
and billions and billions of dollars.
And so there's George W. Bush at a podium, and to George's right is a kid about
12, 13 years old, and the speech is like an hour long.
Yes.
So the poor kid is having trouble paying attention because he don't want to be
standing up there with Dad.
But, you know, Dad's, here you go, George.
So the kid has to be up there, and he's doing this, and he's playing around,
and he's looking at his watch, and he's yawning.
And it was very, very funny, and it just got progressively more and more
entertaining.
So now, CNN gets a hold of the footage, and they run the footage, and here now
is what the CNN anchorwoman has to say about the footage immediately after it
has aired on CNN.
Take a look at this.
All right.
I had a good giggle before the break, that video from David Letterman.
We're being told by the White House that the kid, as funny as he was, was
edited into that video.
All right, now that, that, ladies and gentlemen, as sure as I'm sitting here,
is an out-and-out, absolute, 100% lie.
Thank you.
Are you going to believe me or CNN?
Where do you go when you want your free razors?
I don't know.
That's right.
I don't know.
I don't know about that.
So the kid absolutely was there, and he absolutely was doing everything we
depicted via the videotape.
So now, CNN, they switch teams.
The woman who said that, I guess, was fired.
They bring in another anchorwoman, and now here's what she has to say about the
tape.
Okay, we're told that that kid was there at that event, but not necessarily
standing behind the president, so you can put it all together.
Let me put it all together for you.
That is an out-and-out, absolute, 100% lie.
The kid was exactly standing where we said he was.
Go.
When you cast your vote in November, just remember that the White House was
trying to make me look like a dope.
God, mighty.
My life just gets more and more complicated.
You know, I was a minute ago, just a minute ago, you were here with me when it
happened, I was ranting and raving about the White House.
Yeah.
Well, now, according to this, CNN has just phoned.
Oh.
And according to this information, the anchorwoman misspoke.
They never got a comment from the White House.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
It was a CNN mistake.
Sure, it was a CNN mistake.
Well, what good does that do me?
The damage, I've already now...
I've already now called them liars.
I think from now on, we're going to have to start looking into things.
I don't know.
Why start?
Why start now?
Because, well, see, everything was fine, except now I've called the White House
liars.
Well, that, yeah.
And you know what that means, he's going to start looking into my taxes.
That's it.
And the next thing you know, it's...
Yeah.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hold on.
Perp clock.
Is this really the way to run a television show?
Honest to God, we're taping it now.
This is not like a rehearsal.
So what's the most important thing to know about tonight's show?
That the White House did say it was the kid, or they didn't say it was the kid?
Isn't that the most important thing?
And did we know?
No, no.
And now I've called them liars.
You know what's peculiar?
What's that?
Well, CNN reporters said something about the White House.
Well, why are you worried about CNN?
It's...
My ass is in a sling now.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
I do.
Well, when I'm doing time, just remember them razors.
If you're just joining us, I've made two grievous mistakes so far here tonight.
I thought everybody was getting a free shit quattro.
No, it turns out that some will get the shit quattro, some will get the candy
bars.
Right.
And then I also thought that the White House was lying.
Turns out...
Turns out they didn't have anything to do with this.
But I, of course, went ahead and called them liars.
Yeah.
And you've got to help me out of this.
I'm getting into something here that's very complicated, so please indulge me.
Bear with me.
And I need your help for a change, all right?
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
On this started Monday night, we had a thing with George W. Bush whereby he
inspires the
nation's youth.
And it was George W. Bush.
He's had a fundraiser in Central Florida, and he's talking for about an hour.
And there's a young boy, a cute little kid, about 8, 9, 10, I don't know,
standing behind
the president.
And as all kids will do, because he's bored stiff by what the president is
saying, he starts
to fidget.
And the longer it went, the more he fidgeted.
And he's looking at his clock, and he's yawning, and he's cracking his neck,
and he's doing this.
And we put these together, so it was very amusing.
Very, very amusing.
Now, the next day, CNN picked up this little thing that we had done on the show,
and they
ran it.
And then after they ran the piece, here's what one of the anchor persons said
about that
piece.
Roll that videotape.
All right.
Had a good giggle before the break, that video from David Letterman.
We're being told by the White House that the kid, as funny as he was, was
edited into that
video.
Okay.
So now, now, I know, I became very, very upset because I said to myself, aha,
the White House
is trying to make me look like a dope, which I guess turnabout is fair play.
Well, anyway.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
I'm talking about that.
And so we did not edit, the boy was actually there, absolutely there.
We didn't edit him into it.
We didn't monkey with the videotape at all.
There was nothing going on.
It was the kid being bored.
I mean, what's so hard to believe about that, that somebody might be bored by
the president?
Okay, so now CNN has a minute or two to think it over, and then this is what
they say following
that first one.
Okay, we're told that that kid was there at that event, but not necessarily
standing behind
the president.
So you could put it all together.
Right.
Well, see, once again, this is not true either.
The kid was, the kid was standing there, and I'm beginning, you know me, I'm
beginning to smell a cover-up.
And it's not me I'm worried about.
I'm worried about those boneheads at CNN because they get one call from the
White House, and
all of a sudden, I don't exist.
I've manufactured the kid.
I'm, you know, I'm running a little magic show here.
I'm trying to run a little screwball by people.
Well, nothing could be farther from the truth.
So now, last night on the show, I'm doing everything I did tonight.
I'm saying last night, and then in the middle of the show, I get a note from
somebody saying,
oh, by the way, CNN called, and they said that the White House never called CNN.
Never called CNN.
So now I realize it's me.
You know, it's like the old joke of the Lone Ranger and Tonto.
What do you mean, we?
You know, it's just, it's me.
Right.
So now I've irritated the White House and called them liars and feeling foolish,
and then,
but listen to this, it has a happy ending.
Listen to this.
Are you listening?
Yes.
So, because now I've impugned the integrity of the White House, I'm nervous
that I'll spend
the rest of my days in a federal penitentiary.
I don't blame you.
But today, ladies and gentlemen, I have from an undisputable source, a very,
very high-placed
source, that in fact the White House did call CNN, did call, yeah.
Thinks you want to keep your hand on your wallet, doesn't it?
I'm telling you, this stinks so high, they did call CNN and tried to muscle
them into
pulling the story or making me look like a dope or something went haywire.
That's all I can tell you right now.
And if I disappear mysteriously between now and tomorrow night, I don't know.
Being on CBS is kind of like disappearing mysteriously.
What?
Hey, wait a minute.
Hey.
Yes.
So, so we'll keep you posted.
Did I get the salient points of that correct?
I mean, because it's just back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.
But yesterday, we found out that CNN said, no, no, no, no, no, no, the White
House didn't
call us.
But they said twice that the White House did call them.
They had.
Yeah.
So then, oh, the White House never called.
Well, today we find out, yes, guess what they called.
Ha, ha, ha.
I wouldn't be surprised if this puts an end to government as we know it.
Well, I've got to explain this.
This has just gotten to be so silly and so complicated.
And we're going to have to go through it again because every day there's a new
development.
And we think now it's over.
We hope to God it's over.
So, like on Monday, not like on Monday, it was Monday.
We show this videotape.
It's George W. Bush invigorating America's youth.
Now, since that time, we've learned a lot of things about the young man.
And it turns out we heard from his father that he'd been up very late the night
before
because he was excited about meeting the president.
And they got him out of bed early the next day.
So the kid, in addition to being bored silly, as would any right-thinking kid.
Oh, of course.
He was very, very tired and behaved just the way a kid behaves.
Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
So now, now, the very next day, this appears on CNN.
They roll the same footage we just showed you.
And then it's followed up by these comments from a CNN anchor person.
All right.
I had a good giggle before the break, that video from David Letterman.
We're being told by the White House that the kid, as funny as he was, was
edited into that video.
Right.
Okay.
So, now, this kind of gets your nose out of joint.
She says, as funny as it was, we're being told, being told, we're being told by
the White House.
That's the key phrase.
We're being told by the White House that the kid was not there and we edited
the kid in.
Well, that, of course, is absolutely not the case.
The kid was right there.
We didn't somehow work some kind of animatronic robotic magic and superimpose
it.
The kid was there.
He exists.
He lives in Florida.
But they were told now.
This is where it gets a little, a little hinky.
They were told now by the White House that it didn't exist.
It did not exist.
Now, shortly thereafter, that statement was amended to this.
Okay.
We're told that that kid was there at that event, but not necessarily standing
behind the president.
So, you can put it all together.
Okay.
So, now, now, they've changed their story.
The kid was there.
The kid, they're told by the White House that the kid was there.
The White House confirms that, but not standing behind the president.
Well, not more than 11 or 10 inches.
But he was, he was right there.
So, so, I'm, I'm all worked up about this.
And, and then, uh, later we are told now that the, the White House didn't call
CNN.
That, that was the development the other day.
So, I'm, I'm upset because I smell a conspiracy.
I think something's going haywire.
I, I, I see this as the end of democracy as we know it.
Uh, another one of them Watergate kind of deals, you know.
And, and so, I'm shooting my mouth off and right in the middle of the show, I'm
handing
a note saying, no, no, no, no, no, no.
The White House did not contact CNN.
The White House did not contact CNN.
So, so now I feel like, oh, I guess I'm going to do heavy time.
Time, yeah.
Okay, so, so now it gets a little confusing.
So, the, the next day, the, the next day I'm told, oh no, the White House did
contact CNN.
There's a huge conspiracy developing and they were contacted by the White House.
They were trying to shut CNN up because they didn't want to make these people
look ridiculous
because they were big Republican fundraisers.
And, you know, I'm going to disappear mysteriously.
In, in about eight months, they'll find my body in the trunk of a rental car.
So, so now.
So, we're, we're told despite what the, the, everybody says that they were,
this high
ranking, high placed source, unidentified source says, no, no, the White House
did call them.
So, now today, and this is a landmark day, whether you understand any of this
or not, today is
a landmark day because for the first time in 25 years of network television
broadcasting,
the first time ever since I've been doing this, someone has apologized to me.
Really?
It has never happened before.
It has never happened before.
Here now is the CNN apology to me.
Take a look at this.
All right.
Now we need to do something that you'll probably see on David Letterman later
tonight.
Need to clear up something from a couple days ago.
You might recall that we had some fun with some tape that we took from the
Letterman show.
It's of a kid who had trouble staying alert during a presidential speech in
Orlando last
month.
So, we aired it on this show and then after we did, they had me come on here
and tell you
that the White House called and told us it was faked.
Well, turns out due to a, what we might say, a misunderstanding among the folks
who are usually
so fantastic behind me here in the newsroom, turns out that was not true.
The White House, turns out, I guess never did call us about the tape.
The Letterman show, if you've been watching at night, strongly denies it was
fake.
Boy, do they strongly deny that.
And we've been looking through our tapes and apparently we now see no evidence
that it
was faked.
So, Dave, we apologize for the error.
I hope that makes things good with us.
If you need me to come up and do a stupid human trick or a stupid pet trick, I
have that
too.
Hopefully, we're just okay.
We apologize.
We will be back afterwards.
But this whole thing, it just smells.
Doesn't it smell a little bit?
Very confusing.
It just smells just a little bit.
We were told and it seems unlikely and probably they didn't.
And I'm being told to tell you that the White House really didn't.
I mean, it just all seems just a little too tidy, just a little too neat.
And now, the guy, the kid in Florida and his old man was really upset in the
beginning.
Well, now, everybody down there loves it.
Everybody couldn't be happier.
Everybody thought it was hilarious.
So, you see, it's just a little too tidy.
Don't you see what I'm saying?
Well, it's...
Stuff like this never ends happily.
Certainly not happily for me.
I was waiting for the lawsuit.
I was waiting to be arrested.
I was waiting to be beaten to a pulp.
And now, oh, everybody's enjoying...
Oh, we couldn't be happier.
And by the way, tomorrow, the young man, Tyler Akrati, is his name.
He'll be a guest on the show right here.
Well, that's...
I'm pretty sure that the White House contacted CNN.
Here's what I think.
The White House contacted CNN because the people in Florida were upset
because their big, huge, fat Republican donors...
Oh, we're giving you $4 million, and what the hell?
You put the kid on TV and he's making a fool of himself.
What are you trying to pull there, for God's sakes?
So now, like Bush don't have enough problems, he calls CNN and he says,
well, you better stop that, clam that up, you know, the stovepipe that...
Do they stovepipe stuff?
I don't know if they still do that.
That's what I think happened.
And so now when they find out that dumb boy here gets wind of this,
then they say...
Everything's fine.
Everybody couldn't be happier.
That's my theory.
I don't know if they're going to be happier.
I don't know if they're going to be happier.

Dave Calls Out CNN And The White House | Letterman

You need to maintain spending discipline in our nation's capital.
I've had a plan to protect small business owners and employees from...
I actually did vote for the $87 billion with all your heart.
Statehouse members, all the local officials, a high sheriff is with us today.
You're worried about the quality of the education and community in which you
live.
We stand for the fair treatment of faith-based groups who will receive federal
support for their work and passion.
This will not happen on my watch.
George W. Bush invigorating America's youth.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, I have to explain something.
This is going to be very complicated because it's already a legal ordeal.
And it's the kind of thing I always step my foot into.
And it's a huge mess.
And I just want to remind you of something.
We're just kids here trying to have fun.
Isn't that right, Paul?
That's all we're trying to do.
Just trying to.
Because at the end of the day, we're all weary.
You know, we've all had problems at work.
There's problems with the world, problems with the family, problems with the
wife, problems with the husband.
God, stop.
So at the end of the day, we just want to sort of unplug and let everybody
relax and enjoy themselves as they drift off into some sort of medically-assisted
sleep.
Which is really true in my case.
I see.
Anyway.
So now, last night, we had this thing.
It was called George W. Bush Motivates America's Youth or something like that.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And it was very funny.
And it was a video footage of George W. Bush speaking at a big fundraiser in
Orlando, Florida.
And they were, you know, it's the Republicans, so they were raising billions
and billions and billions of dollars.
And so there's George W. Bush at a podium, and to George's right is a kid about
12, 13 years old, and the speech is like an hour long.
Yes.
So the poor kid is having trouble paying attention because he don't want to be
standing up there with Dad.
But, you know, Dad's, here you go, George.
So the kid has to be up there, and he's doing this, and he's playing around,
and he's looking at his watch, and he's yawning.
And it was very, very funny, and it just got progressively more and more
entertaining.
So now, CNN gets a hold of the footage, and they run the footage, and here now
is what the CNN anchorwoman has to say about the footage immediately after it
has aired on CNN.
Take a look at this.
All right.
I had a good giggle before the break, that video from David Letterman.
We're being told by the White House that the kid, as funny as he was, was
edited into that video.
All right, now that, that, ladies and gentlemen, as sure as I'm sitting here,
is an out-and-out, absolute, 100% lie.
Thank you.
Are you going to believe me or CNN?
Where do you go when you want your free razors?
I don't know.
That's right.
I don't know.
I don't know about that.
So the kid absolutely was there, and he absolutely was doing everything we
depicted via the videotape.
So now, CNN, they switch teams.
The woman who said that, I guess, was fired.
They bring in another anchorwoman, and now here's what she has to say about the
tape.
Okay, we're told that that kid was there at that event, but not necessarily
standing behind the president, so you can put it all together.
Let me put it all together for you.
That is an out-and-out, absolute, 100% lie.
The kid was exactly standing where we said he was.
Go.
When you cast your vote in November, just remember that the White House was
trying to make me look like a dope.
God, mighty.
My life just gets more and more complicated.
You know, I was a minute ago, just a minute ago, you were here with me when it
happened, I was ranting and raving about the White House.
Yeah.
Well, now, according to this, CNN has just phoned.
Oh.
And according to this information, the anchorwoman misspoke.
They never got a comment from the White House.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
It was a CNN mistake.
Sure, it was a CNN mistake.
Well, what good does that do me?
The damage, I've already now...
I've already now called them liars.
I think from now on, we're going to have to start looking into things.
I don't know.
Why start?
Why start now?
Because, well, see, everything was fine, except now I've called the White House
liars.
Well, that, yeah.
And you know what that means, he's going to start looking into my taxes.
That's it.
And the next thing you know, it's...
Yeah.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hold on.
Perp clock.
Is this really the way to run a television show?
Honest to God, we're taping it now.
This is not like a rehearsal.
So what's the most important thing to know about tonight's show?
That the White House did say it was the kid, or they didn't say it was the kid?
Isn't that the most important thing?
And did we know?
No, no.
And now I've called them liars.
You know what's peculiar?
What's that?
Well, CNN reporters said something about the White House.
Well, why are you worried about CNN?
It's...
My ass is in a sling now.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
I do.
Well, when I'm doing time, just remember them razors.
If you're just joining us, I've made two grievous mistakes so far here tonight.
I thought everybody was getting a free shit quattro.
No, it turns out that some will get the shit quattro, some will get the candy
bars.
Right.
And then I also thought that the White House was lying.
Turns out...
Turns out they didn't have anything to do with this.
But I, of course, went ahead and called them liars.
Yeah.
And you've got to help me out of this.
I'm getting into something here that's very complicated, so please indulge me.
Bear with me.
And I need your help for a change, all right?
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
On this started Monday night, we had a thing with George W. Bush whereby he
inspires the
nation's youth.
And it was George W. Bush.
He's had a fundraiser in Central Florida, and he's talking for about an hour.
And there's a young boy, a cute little kid, about 8, 9, 10, I don't know,
standing behind
the president.
And as all kids will do, because he's bored stiff by what the president is
saying, he starts
to fidget.
And the longer it went, the more he fidgeted.
And he's looking at his clock, and he's yawning, and he's cracking his neck,
and he's doing this.
And we put these together, so it was very amusing.
Very, very amusing.
Now, the next day, CNN picked up this little thing that we had done on the show,
and they
ran it.
And then after they ran the piece, here's what one of the anchor persons said
about that
piece.
Roll that videotape.
All right.
Had a good giggle before the break, that video from David Letterman.
We're being told by the White House that the kid, as funny as he was, was
edited into that
video.
Okay.
So now, now, I know, I became very, very upset because I said to myself, aha,
the White House
is trying to make me look like a dope, which I guess turnabout is fair play.
Well, anyway.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
I'm talking about that.
And so we did not edit, the boy was actually there, absolutely there.
We didn't edit him into it.
We didn't monkey with the videotape at all.
There was nothing going on.
It was the kid being bored.
I mean, what's so hard to believe about that, that somebody might be bored by
the president?
Okay, so now CNN has a minute or two to think it over, and then this is what
they say following
that first one.
Okay, we're told that that kid was there at that event, but not necessarily
standing behind
the president.
So you could put it all together.
Right.
Well, see, once again, this is not true either.
The kid was, the kid was standing there, and I'm beginning, you know me, I'm
beginning to smell a cover-up.
And it's not me I'm worried about.
I'm worried about those boneheads at CNN because they get one call from the
White House, and
all of a sudden, I don't exist.
I've manufactured the kid.
I'm, you know, I'm running a little magic show here.
I'm trying to run a little screwball by people.
Well, nothing could be farther from the truth.
So now, last night on the show, I'm doing everything I did tonight.
I'm saying last night, and then in the middle of the show, I get a note from
somebody saying,
oh, by the way, CNN called, and they said that the White House never called CNN.
Never called CNN.
So now I realize it's me.
You know, it's like the old joke of the Lone Ranger and Tonto.
What do you mean, we?
You know, it's just, it's me.
Right.
So now I've irritated the White House and called them liars and feeling foolish,
and then,
but listen to this, it has a happy ending.
Listen to this.
Are you listening?
Yes.
So, because now I've impugned the integrity of the White House, I'm nervous
that I'll spend
the rest of my days in a federal penitentiary.
I don't blame you.
But today, ladies and gentlemen, I have from an undisputable source, a very,
very high-placed
source, that in fact the White House did call CNN, did call, yeah.
Thinks you want to keep your hand on your wallet, doesn't it?
I'm telling you, this stinks so high, they did call CNN and tried to muscle
them into
pulling the story or making me look like a dope or something went haywire.
That's all I can tell you right now.
And if I disappear mysteriously between now and tomorrow night, I don't know.
Being on CBS is kind of like disappearing mysteriously.
What?
Hey, wait a minute.
Hey.
Yes.
So, so we'll keep you posted.
Did I get the salient points of that correct?
I mean, because it's just back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.
But yesterday, we found out that CNN said, no, no, no, no, no, no, the White
House didn't
call us.
But they said twice that the White House did call them.
They had.
Yeah.
So then, oh, the White House never called.
Well, today we find out, yes, guess what they called.
Ha, ha, ha.
I wouldn't be surprised if this puts an end to government as we know it.
Well, I've got to explain this.
This has just gotten to be so silly and so complicated.
And we're going to have to go through it again because every day there's a new
development.
And we think now it's over.
We hope to God it's over.
So, like on Monday, not like on Monday, it was Monday.
We show this videotape.
It's George W. Bush invigorating America's youth.
Now, since that time, we've learned a lot of things about the young man.
And it turns out we heard from his father that he'd been up very late the night
before
because he was excited about meeting the president.
And they got him out of bed early the next day.
So the kid, in addition to being bored silly, as would any right-thinking kid.
Oh, of course.
He was very, very tired and behaved just the way a kid behaves.
Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
So now, now, the very next day, this appears on CNN.
They roll the same footage we just showed you.
And then it's followed up by these comments from a CNN anchor person.
All right.
I had a good giggle before the break, that video from David Letterman.
We're being told by the White House that the kid, as funny as he was, was
edited into that video.
Right.
Okay.
So, now, this kind of gets your nose out of joint.
She says, as funny as it was, we're being told, being told, we're being told by
the White House.
That's the key phrase.
We're being told by the White House that the kid was not there and we edited
the kid in.
Well, that, of course, is absolutely not the case.
The kid was right there.
We didn't somehow work some kind of animatronic robotic magic and superimpose
it.
The kid was there.
He exists.
He lives in Florida.
But they were told now.
This is where it gets a little, a little hinky.
They were told now by the White House that it didn't exist.
It did not exist.
Now, shortly thereafter, that statement was amended to this.
Okay.
We're told that that kid was there at that event, but not necessarily standing
behind the president.
So, you can put it all together.
Okay.
So, now, now, they've changed their story.
The kid was there.
The kid, they're told by the White House that the kid was there.
The White House confirms that, but not standing be