Name: The Unabomber Drops By To Read His Manifesto | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-06-10T18:35:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Unabomber Drops By To Read His Manifesto | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Unabomber Drops By To Read His Manifesto | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-10. Transcript available.

The category, uh, top ten signs, your brother is the Unabomber.
Top ten signs now, your brother is the Unabomber.
From what we've, uh, been led to believe,
the, uh, the Unabomber was apparently turned in by his family.
They found something suspicious, some articles, some documents
in the old, uh, homestead back there in Illinois,
put two and two together and realized that for the last 17 years,
the guy who shows up in the hooded sweatshirt and the sunglasses
every year for Thanksgiving was, in fact, the Unabomber.
I just, finally, it can't get him.
Oh, my God! It's the Unabomber.
That's right.
Boy.
So here we go now, top ten signs, your brother is the Unabomber.
Here we go, number ten.
When they show sketch of Unabomber on TV, he says,
what a good-looking guy.
At number nine, subscribes to Dangerously Quiet Loner magazine.
Number eight, always bragging that he's bombed more than Joe Piscopo.
Number seven, even in baby pictures, he's wearing a hood and sunglasses.
Number five, he's a twisted recluse who considers himself above the laws of
society.
Oh, no, no, wait.
That's, that's Michael Jackson.
I'm sorry.
Number five.
Number five, asks his friends to call him Una for short.
Number four, keeps doing his lame impression of Jimmy J.J. Walker saying,
Dino-mite!
And number three, he's been trying frantically to get a hold of Johnny Cochran.
And number two, May 8th, 1970, Becky Johnson turns him down for the prom.
May 9th, 1970, Becky Johnson explodes.
And the number one sign, your brother is the Unabomber.
Favorite cable channel, TNT.
There it is.
You know, for the last 20 years, the FBI has been tracking a maniacally devious
letter bombing terrorist known as the Unabomber.
The Unabomber threatens to continue his acts of violence unless the media
publishes his personal manifesto.
So now, in the interest of national security, here to read his manifesto,
ladies and gentlemen, the man himself, please welcome the Unabomber.
Hello, Unabomber.
Good evening, citizens of the United States of America.
Coming up in the next half hour, chef Georges Perrier and singer Alanis Morissette.
Tomorrow night, Bill Cosby, Leroy Parnell, and Clive Barker.
Now, wait a minute, Unabomber.
You've been terrorizing the nations for years, and that's all you wanted to say,
really?
Oh, yeah.
One more thing.
Be your own dog.
Drink red dog beer.
Good night, everybody.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the category from the home office in Grand Rapids,
Michigan,
Top 10 Things Found in the Unabomber's Cabin.
Now, you know, the Unabomber lived out there in Montana, and he has like a 10
by 12 shack,
and the FBI had been searching it now for two weeks.
Top 10 things now found in the Unabomber's Cabin or Shack in Montana.
Here we go.
Number 10.
A fridge full of Swanson's Hungry Psycho Frozen Entrees.
Number 9.
First draft of new CBS pilot Kaczynski and Hutch.
Number 8.
Every single album, CD, or cassette ever recorded by John Tesh.
Number 7.
Top hat cane and formal hooded sweatshirt.
Number 6.
Two-year supply of Mary Kay products.
Oh, that's nice.
That's not so very bad.
Number 5.
A fan letter to Ricky Lake reading simply, Go Ricky.
Number 4.
Johnny Cochran's business card.
Number 3.
Rambling manifesto to Penthouse Magazine about the time two flight attendants
needed help with a flat tire.
Number 2.
Wacky sign on door.
If this cabin's ticking, better run like the Dickens.
And the number one thing found in the Unabomber's Cabin.
Jimmy, the Unipoodle.
There you have it.
You know, ladies and gentlemen, for the last 20 years,
the FBI has been tracking down a maniacally devious letter-bombing terrorist
known as the Unabomber.
The Unabomber threatens to continue his acts of violence unless the media,
that would be us, publishes his manifesto.
So now, in the interest of national security,
here to read his manifesto is the man himself.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Unabomber.
Unabomber.
Hello, Unabomber.
Nice hair.
Thank you very much.
Good evening, citizens of the United States of America.
I've observed a puzzling phenomenon involving wire hangers.
Every time I open my closet,
the number of wire hangers appears to have increased by several hundred percent.
What are they doing in there?
Having sexual intercourse?
Unabomber, that's it?
That's the whole manifesto?
That's what the big deal is all about here?
Well, no, I have this other piece about how hard it is to open those airline
peanuts.
Well, thank you very much, Unabomber, for stopping by.
I appreciate it.
Oh.
Thanks.
By the way, tomorrow night I'll be opening up for Carrot Top at Rutgers
University.
And remember, be your own dog.
Drink red dog beer.
Good night, everybody.
All right, Unabomber.
You know, it's tough to book the Unabomber.
We're very, very lucky to get it.
Glad to get it.
From the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska, the category tonight, Top 10 Summer
Fun Tips from
the Unabomber.
Ah, you must have.
Top 10 Summer Fun Tips from the Unabomber.
Here we go, number 10.
Light-colored, loose-fitting, hooded sweatshirts.
Number 9.
If you're having trouble lighting the barbecue, try napalm.
Number 8.
Many resorts offer fabulous troubled loaner discount packages.
Number 7.
Next to your 10-by-12-foot shack, build a 1-by-2-foot guest shack.
Number 6.
Join your dog for a refreshing flea dip.
Number 5.
For an extra kick, fill water balloons with nitroglycerin.
Number 4.
And the category, once again, Top 10 Summer Fun Tips from the Unabomber.
Number 4.
Make your own sunscreen out of swamp water and rabbit entrails.
Number 3.
Go to...
Number 3.
Go to beach, make clumsy passes at women, get turned down, plot revenge.
Number 2.
Properly placed charges can make any rental car a convertible.
And the number 1 Summer Fun Tip from the Unabomber.
Get wacky new bumper sticker, Unabombers, do it with a bang.
Go to the Unabomber.
Go to the Unabomber.
Go to the Unabomber.
Go to the Unabomber.
Go to the Unabomber.
Go to the Unabomber.
Go to the Unabomber.
Go to the Unabomber.
Go to the Unabomber.
Go to the Unabomber.