Name: Viewer Mail: Dave Meets Chris Elliott, The Psychotic Page | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-06-15T15:01:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Dave Meets Chris Elliott, The Psychotic Page | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Dave Meets Chris Elliott, The Psychotic Page | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-15. Transcript available.

As you know from watching this program, since the late 50s, we have taken,
actually we're doing it a day early because we'll not be on tomorrow because of
the Wimbledon tennis tournament, but tonight we're going to answer our viewer
mail. Let's get right to the old mailbag, shall we?
Ladies and gentlemen, our first letter this evening comes to us from someone
named Mark Flesher, and Mark writes, Dear Sirs, this is my second attempt to
obtain tickets to this show, the first being while I was in New York last fall.
This time I am writing ahead for the date of Monday, June 13, 1983, for five
people. Please advise me if I need to do anything else. Sincerely, Mark Flesher.
Gee, I'm sorry about the screw-up the first time, Mark. This time we can
accommodate you. Tickets are now in the mail for that June 13th show. Hope to
see you then.
Letter number two. Dear David, in my great travels around this wonderful
country, I recently visited Minnesota. I was driving through Stewartville when
a sign in the front window of a quick trip caught my eye. It read, We have milk
in bags.
Have I lived a sheltered life, or do Minnesotans have bizarre milk-drinking
habits? I think it's bad enough that now you can drink high-sea from a box, but
milk from a bag come back to reality.
Sincerely, Tom Roberts, Charles City, Iowa. That's funny you should mention
this, Tom. Here on the East Coast, we've been drinking milk from bags for years.
And not only does it taste delicious, but it's also easier for the kids to
carry. Right, kids?
Thank you very much, kids. Thank you. I appreciate it. It was very nice. Nice
job.
I have no idea what's going on. Well, letter number three. Dear David, why is
it that every letter on viewer mail has a drawing, a little blank mark, over
the address?
Well, we get this question a lot. Are they obscene? Do you fear their homes
will be destroyed by emotionally unstable viewers?
Just what's going on. Sincerely, Greg Holfeld.
You know, Greg, I have to agree with you. It is kind of silly to worry about
showing the address on these letters,
and I'm sure that you and your family there at 2140 East Longacre Drive in St.
Louis, Missouri, will be perfectly safe.
We interrupt this late-night talk show to bring you the following special
report.
Officials at the Missouri State Hospital report that just minutes ago, an
emotionally unstable man escaped from that facility
and was seen heading in the direction of East Longacre Drive.
The maniac was last heard to say, I'm on a mission from Dave.
Okay. Run through the lives, kid.
Letter number four. Let's see. Do we have... Yes, we have this here.
Dear Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, a thousand times Dave, what do we have to do to
get a letter on viewer mail?
Your fans, Neil and Ann Tolner, Lexington, Kentucky.
Well, we blew up this letter. We're just going to check a couple of things.
Here is the letter Neil and Ann sent us, and let's see.
We totaled up the columns. It would be 39 down and 25 across.
We multiply those two figures, of course, and you get 975.
Plus, there are also five other Dave's at the top of the letter for the grand
total of 980,
not 1,000. So, Neil and Ann, in answer to your question,
how can you get a letter on viewer mail?
Well, I guess you could start by simply telling the truth.
We have all those kids here. We can't...
Letter number five. Are we up to number five already?
Boy, oh boy.
Is it my imagination, or is the band getting smaller?
Do we have fewer members?
Dave, just before the show, someone passed away.
No.
No, no, no.
I don't know what to tell you. We're a trio tonight, okay?
When can we look forward to the group being back to full strength?
Oh, you never know in this business.
You never know.
I don't know, but I'm just sort of dealing with it as it hits me.
Okay, well, you're not doing a bad job, Paul, but I just noticed tonight there
were...
I know. It's a little, you know, it's not quite as good without four, you know.
But wasn't there a fourth just before we went on the air?
Just before, yeah. Uh-huh.
Neil.
And he's across the hall playing guitar for Nightly News, I guess now.
Letter number five.
Dear Dave, I have noticed that when you come out to deliver your monologue,
you find it necessary to adjust your tie several hundred times.
I find this annoying and a cheap theatric trick.
Surely you must have time to make those minor adjustments backstage.
A good question from Susan D. New York.
You know, I would have time to adjust my tie
if that psychotic page didn't try to strangle me before each show.
Let me show you what I mean via this videotape.
Watch closely.
We've got to stay with the tour.
Don't you understand?
It's dangerous to walk away from the guided tour.
If you don't stay with me, something might happen to you.
We wouldn't want that to happen, would we?
We go through this every night, don't we?
I don't know why he isn't assigned to another studio.
We have a lot of fun lined up.
Don't you worry about a thing.
We're going to have a fine television program for you.
We're going to go away now.
Do not be alarmed.
There will be a commercial on inducing you to buy something.
Please do that.
And then when we come back, I will be talking with boy George.
So thank you for watching.
We'll be right back.