Name: Zach Galifianakis Makes His Network Television Debut | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-08-02T22:02:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Zach Galifianakis Makes His Network Television Debut | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Zach Galifianakis Makes His Network Television Debut | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-02. Transcript available.

our next guest coming out is one of my all-time favorite comedians in the
entire world he's making
his network television debut here tonight he's going to be at berkeley in
college california
berkeley university where all the hip people go berkeley university on march 18th
please welcome
zach galifianakis
uh i usually uh do stand-up comedy and uh tonight i really don't feel like it
and um tonight i'm going to play the piano and talk about myself
please don't laugh none of this is funny
i live in l.a and that's short for los angeles
and i like to hang out in hollywood on hollywood boulevard the other night i
was there and i was
making out with a squatter in front of ripley's believe it or not
and i had just got a henna tattoo that said forever
and i've been drinking that night and by the way you know you have a drinking
problem when the
bartender knows your name bartender knows your name and you've never been to
that bar before
and i'm there on the walk of fame where all the stars are and i stumbled across
tony danza's star
and i urinated on it
just yelling out who's the boss now
my new year's resolution for 2000 is or was to stop saying you go girl to
myself
and i've already broken that four times
and i'm getting ready to break it a fifth because i'm on the late show
you go you go girl
you know what i like to do when i make it out with a woman
i like to whisper into her ear will you touch my vagina
and she's like what and i'm like that's what you're supposed to say
i saw this guy i saw this guy today here in new york that i used to temp with
i'll never forget i called a temp agency once and they were like uh
well do you have any phone skills
it's like uh i called you didn't i
do you mean can i build a phone
and then we got disconnected
my roommate is half japanese and it's really weird
because she only takes one shoe off before she comes inside
and it kind of sucks because she wears high heels
and it sounds like a damn pirate walking through my apartment
i like to call 411 and ask the number for information
they're like this is information i'm like well give me the damn number then
two years ago my sister was diagnosed with multiple personalities and
there's nothing funny about that
but she phoned me the other day and my caller id exploded
why do i sit around my apartment on my hardwood floor indian style just yelling
out to myself
you ain't got no pancake mix
i've always wanted to say that in front of five million people
i've been trying to quit drinking for a while now and uh i was in my apartment
and i drank a 12 pack of o-duels
i went driving around in my car and i got pulled over by a cop
he's like son have you been drinking and i said sort of
he said what have you been drinking and i said o-duels non-alcoholic beer
and he wrote me a ticket for being a wussy
i have a new head shot it's a scratch and sniff
and it smells like failure and onions
hey mom and dad wherever you are
i like to go to really bad movies like in their fifth week like deuce bigelow
there's only one other person in the theater and i like to sit right next to
them
and they're like excuse me i'm like shh i can't hear deuce
it's really hard for me to perform tonight
tonight i'm celebrating a an anniversary of sorts three years ago to this date
i decided to take my own life
i said zach do it in front of your co-workers
your manager at work and the misery
i don't know how many of you have tried to jump off a pizza hut
but you really just get a sprained ankle out of the deal
and then you have to and then you have to go back inside and serve crazy bread
with a limp
i'm here still with mr zach galifianakis who just kicked ass and his network
telling the view
are you uh are you allowed to say kick am i let's say kick come here that's
okay um
so zach why don't you tell us about your latest pay-per-view special
i understand you recently had a baby
um any anyway so when you're in los angeles where do you usually perform around
town uh that's um i
usually i perform in uh my car a lot but also i perform and i perform in coffee
houses usually
and that's it alternative comedy i've heard of it yeah yeah that's great uh but
um
15 minutes before i knew that uh i was going to do this show which i think was
last tuesday
i had a message on my machine and i was very excited about it because it was
another state it
was another performance you know and uh i think we have a clip of that an audio
an audio clip
hi it's christy murphy i'm just calling because i am starting a stand-up comedy
show tomorrow is the
first night um and it is called all washed up it is stand-up comedy at a laundromat
um everyone who
does a loaded laundry there is guaranteed a set thanks a lot hope to see you
there yeah
comedy in a laundromat yeah that's nice yeah yeah and it's called all washed up
all washed up that's
nice like my career oh but also now it was listed in the new york post that you
were going to be on
tonight and it far be it from them from erroneously reporting anything but um
they skewed your name
so badly yeah and the worst thing is like i know it's not important to like
everyone globally but like
when you do stuff like this it's so important to you and like you want to save
stuff for your little
scrapbook and your name is galifianakis that's right this is how they printed
it in the new york post
today i'll show it um tonight late show with david letterman bob odenkirk david
cross zach galafroski
guest host gene garofalo yeah it's like the the last name is uh is uh really
difficult to deal with and
um hello frosty is pretty close though that's fine um but like a lot of times
when people bring me on
stage like they try to make my last name sound greek when they bring me on and
they don't really care
they just like ladies and gentlemen bring it up bring it together for your next
guy zach stephanopoulos
here he comes everyone zach snuffleupagus please put your hands together for
baklava rodriguez
that kind of thing so i got a thousand of them so uh uh new york jobs that was
the uh the next uh
topic of conversation oh yeah new york jobs new york jobs i used to be a nanny
here in new york
an au pair yeah you're a delightful au pair yeah i was and i don't know if i
can tell this i should
have um i'll never forget i was uh a nanny for this kid and uh he was don't
name his name i won't
i want to so badly
alan smithy yeah yeah and um uh he was you know he was he's a bratty kid he's
seven years old and i'll
never forget we were um doing uh watching television we were watching
television and he uh i said he i said
uh frank um why don't you uh turn off the television it's time to do homework
and he's like no
and i said come on turn off the television it's time to do homework and he's
like no so i get up
and i turn the tv off and uh he gets up and turns the tv back on seven years
old and he looks at me
and he goes you do what i say or i'm going to tell my mom you're touching my
penis
great that's that is such a great story that you should make a hallmark special
out of that story
because it's so i feel good i feel warm that's nice