Name: CBS Mailbag: How To Get Dave's Autograph | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-08-24T15:00:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS Mailbag: How To Get Dave's Autograph | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS Mailbag: How To Get Dave's Autograph | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-24. Transcript available.

Have you folks been enjoying the primetime lineup this summer here on CBS?
It's a trick question. I didn't say, have you been watching?
I said, have you been enjoying? Have you been enjoying?
I love to poke fun at the suits.
Yeah, the staff members bring in their vacation photos.
Whoa!
So what are you referring to?
Huh?
Did a staff member show you a vacation photo?
What did I say? Did you just get here?
Well, yes, but then you do a big reaction after.
Whoa!
Yeah.
Whoa, and then you say, we've got to put a stop to that.
Yeah, come and see me after the show.
All right.
Easy, easy. I don't...
Nothing incriminating here, if you don't mind.
Ladies and gentlemen, know what we're going to do.
We have letters here that they come in from the viewers.
Yeah.
And?
Huh?
And what happened?
And then we answer them.
We answer them.
I'm preoccupied because I had a bad day today, and I just...
There's nothing I can...
I just...
You know, we'll get the real audience in here like that.
And you can kiss that lobster goodbye.
Oh, my God.
I just...
I just...
I had to...
I made a call.
I do this every...
Once a week now, I've gotten into this bad habit where I call people at the
network and scream
at them and I'm tired of it.
Sure.
I shouldn't be doing that.
Of course not.
A few weeks ago, I had a massive heart attack.
Yes.
And that's how I kick off my day.
I pick up the phone and I call this guy out there in California and I scream at
him.
Yeah.
That ain't right, isn't it?
No, it can't be good.
No.
Anyway, what we have here are letters and we answer them on the viewer mail
segment in the
CBS viewer mail bag and that's what we'll do tonight.
Okay.
Letter number one, huh?
Yeah, letter number one.
Dear Dave, just wondering if you have taken the Pepsi Challenge and what the
results were.
Well, the Pepsi Challenge, this is a very popular television commercial that
was on the air,
oh, I guess about 20 years ago.
Apparently, this was lost in the mail.
Oh, yeah, the postmark, 1978.
Yeah, I've taken the Pepsi Challenge.
Maybe you haven't seen my new commercial.
Take a look at that.
Okay, I'm going to try the first one.
Gee, God.
Oh, that's awful.
Okay, I'm going to try this one now.
Oh, this is worse than the first one.
I'll pick the first one.
Okay, take off your blindfold.
All right.
Oh, Mr. Clean.
I think...
Mr. Clean, it's delicious.
You know, a couple of weeks ago, they reran Falcone.
That's right, they did.
Yeah, Falcone.
How did it do this?
Well, they're done.
They're done with Falcone, and now they're rerunning Last Dawn.
They're rerunning that now.
Uh-huh.
What's next?
What?
What could be next?
Oh, jeez, I think that's plenty, don't you?
Now, does this have anything to do with the conversation?
Did I say that?
No, you didn't.
What are you doing out there?
And the guy, this is the guy that a couple of weeks ago was, I'm sorry, we can't
be reached,
she's on a boat in the Mediterranean.
Uh-huh.
And now, last week, he was on a fishing trip.
Oh, he was?
I said to him, hey, you know, it wouldn't be good in prime time this summer.
How about video of your vacations?
Yeah.
Number two, dear Dave, at the beach, how do they get them little boats in the
bottle?
Oh, God.
That's a very thoughtful letter.
How do they get them little boats in the bottle?
You know, as silly as this sounds, we got a guy who's good at this, Head Carpenter,
Harold
Barkin.
This guy is a genius when it comes to, you know, making miniatures and stuff
like that.
And he'll now show you.
Hi, Harold, how are you?
Hi, Dave.
Harold Barkin, ladies and gentlemen.
You see any of those vacation photos?
I was talking about?
Excuse me?
I say, have you seen any of those vacation photos I was talking about?
No, I didn't see those.
Okay.
Now, do yourself a favor and get in line.
Anyway, Harold, you know how you get them little boats in the bottle.
Show the kid how you do that.
Thanks, Dave.
Yeah.
As mysterious as they seem, the technique craftsmen like myself employ to get
the miniature boat
in the bottle couldn't be simpler.
Oh.
First, you construct your model.
I built a replica.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I built a replica of a 16th century Flemish, Flemish galleon.
It's beautiful.
It's lovely.
Then, you take a glass bottle and break it.
You all right?
Actually, Dave, I don't know how they do it.
Harold Barkin, ladies and gentlemen.
How's it going?
You all right?
Yeah.
You okay?
Oh, yeah.
All right.
All right, now.
Letter number three.
How can I get Dave's autograph?
This comes from Mike Puffan...
Gee, I don't know.
El Paso, Texas.
We get this question a lot.
And here's how you get the autographs.
Take a look.
Getting Dave's autograph couldn't be easier.
Step one.
Send in your name to the late show.
Step two.
If your name is Mike Fannenshtiel, don't waste your time.
You want to go to dinner later?
Sure.
What are we having?
I don't know.
We're just going out with the boys.
You want to go?
All right.
Yeah.
Bring along those photos.
No.
No.
No.
Letter number four.
How will you handle it when Kathy Lee leaves Regis?
You know, we've been goofing around.
This is from Nancy Kabakov, Cincinnati, Ohio.
And she's been at Nancy Regis, Kathy Lee.
Yeah.
Bruce Bigelow has been on.
Yes.
Kathy Lee has been on the show for 15 years.
And she's leaving, and we shouldn't make light of it, because she's been a
fixture in this
town and across the nation for 15 years, and it's just too bad she's leaving.
So we'll have to maybe say goodbye to her one night, sneak over there and say
goodbye to
Kathy Lee, because I guess in about a week, Kathy Lee will be leaving.
Oh, cut the horse, Dave.
What?
I'm sorry, Alan.
What did you say?
What?
I said cut the horse.
Yeah.
It's just a pathetic rumor spread by jealous lowlights.
She is not leaving the show.
No, I think you may be.
I mean, Paul, am I right?
I understand she's leaving.
It's been on the news and everything.
She announced she's leaving the show.
Yeah.
She announced she's leaving the show.
Well, I don't think that's necessary.
Wake up and smell what you're shoveling, Letterman.
She cannot leave.
Kathy Lee has been a fixture on morning television for the past 15 years.
Well, now, listen.
She, I think, like, six months ago, she mentioned it, and then it was in the
papers and stuff.
No, no, no, no, no.
What?
How about the people who need her?
Yeah.
I mean, what about all the people who have no one to talk to in the morning and
they need
a little company, you know?
Yeah.
What about the gaping hole she'll be leaving in all of their lives?
Did you ever stop to consider, Dave, those people before you perpetuated that
slanderous
lie on national television?
Did you?
No, no.
I'm sorry, Alan.
I didn't know you'd take it this hard, but I think it's the truth.
Can I go for a walk?
I think it's best.
You do.
Together.
Together.
Don't lose it.
Don't lose it.
Don't lose it.
You can do it.
Don't lose it.
Don't lose it.
Don't lose it.
Don't lose it.
Don't lose it.
Don't lose it.
Don't lose it.
Don't lose it.
Don't lose it.
Alan, is everything alright?
Don't pay any attention to me, Dave.
I'm drunk.
I'm drunk.
I'm drunk.