Name: Viewer Mail: Dave & Paul Show Their Delicate Sides | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-09-14T15:00:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Dave & Paul Show Their Delicate Sides | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Dave & Paul Show Their Delicate Sides | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-14. Transcript available.

We're not kidding around. We've got a show for you folks tonight.
This is the kind of show you're going to be talking about for years, even weeks
to come.
And as always, every Thursday, we considerately answer our viewer mail from all
of the fine folks
who make this wonderful program such a huge success, and let's get right to it.
Actual letters. You know, these are real letters. We don't make these up. These
are actual letters.
Letter number one.
Dear Dave, I have just become one of the directors of a summer sleepaway camp
in the Catskills.
My idea is the following. Since you often travel to different locations to do
some of your comedic material and sketches,
I'd like for you to consider coming to us and perhaps doing something for your
show, such as David Goes to Summer Camp.
Sincerely, Kevin Buchatman, Camp Roosevelt, Monticello, New York.
Gee, Kevin, you know, this is a very generous offer, but I'm afraid because of
time, budget, and scheduling limitations,
we're not going to be able to come to your camp right now.
But really, thank you again for the terrific offer.
Paul, Paul, we're not going to be able to go to this guy's summer camp.
I'm sorry, Paul.
We're not going to be able to...
I'm sorry, what was that?
We're not going to be able to go to the summer camp, Paul.
I hope you're not too disappointed.
Well, maybe we can do some camping around your place this summer.
Good idea, Paul. Thank you very much.
You know, the Today Show gets to go on a big cruise.
They were on a cruise all week.
We don't get to go anywhere.
We don't even get to go out for lunch.
This beanbag network.
You know how much money they made last year?
What was the question?
I said, you know how much money this network made last year?
Well, how much did they make?
23 million.
Holy cow.
Yeah, and we don't get to go anywhere.
We get to go nowhere.
But as long as Willard and Jane and Bryant get to take a little cruise.
That's actually kind of a wimpy idea anyway, when you think about it.
A cruise?
Yeah.
Letter number two.
Dear Dave, I saw the show recently on which Charles Grodin appeared.
He was a pompous little jerk.
And you were right.
He does whine.
If I were you, I would have leaned over during a commercial break and given him
a sharp rap
on the head.
You'd be surprised what it can do for attitude adjustment.
Sincerely, Norma Jean Wharton, Portales, New Mexico.
Gee, Norma, this is a great suggestion.
You know, when I got the letter, we decided to give it a try.
And I used it a couple of nights ago when the lovely actress Molly Ringwald was
on our
show.
Hal, roll the videotape of that, will you?
Me and Molly Ringwald there.
Thank you very much.
So do you like doing movies all the time?
Must be kind of tiring, right?
Are those your own shoes?
So which do you prefer, those crinkle cuts or the really big steak fries?
Damn it, Molly.
You're going to have to talk.
I can't do this by myself.
Come on.
Come on, Molly.
Just say something.
Anything.
Will you talk to me?
Oh, gee.
Come on.
It's just a joke.
It's only a joke.
She was a lovely guest.
We're only joking.
Just a joke.
Yeah, Molly Ringwald was a very nice young woman.
Where are we here?
Letter number three, I guess.
Is that right?
Yes, sir.
Dear Dave, letter number three begins, how do you pick a delicate flower?
This comes to us from Carl Johnson, New Milford, Connecticut.
How do you pick a delicate flower?
Carefully and with great care.
Lift it gently with your hands so it may linger there.
Soft, warm breezes lightly blow.
Clouds roll by the hour.
Carefully, carefully gentle, friends, is how you pick a flower.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's NBC chairman of the board, Mr. Grant Tinker.
Grant, come on out here.
Grant, nice to see you.
Thank you, Tom.
That was fantastic.
That poem about flowers was beautiful.
Just beautiful.
And the people at Humanitas International think so, too.
Oh, is that right?
Here's another award for you.
Oh, my gosh.
Look, another award from the folks at the Humanitas Committee.
That's just unbelievable.
Thank you, Grant.
All I can say is you made an old man remember what it means to be happy.
That's good.
Wonderfully alive in a beautiful world.
Oh, well, thank you.
By the way, folks, be sure and catch the Today Show tomorrow morning.
Brian Jane and Willard are still on that cruise ship.
And their scheduled guest is Margot Hemingway.
Boy, what a big...
Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
We'll see you down at Hurley's, Grant.
Take care.
Is that it?
Is that it?
Is that it?
Oh, it's a magic night, isn't it, Paul?
Grant Tinker.
You know, Grant's leaving soon.
Where is he going?
I'm not sure where he's going.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Letter number four.
We've got to get right to it.
We have a huge show.
Almost too good for this network.
These pinheads.
Letter number four.
Dear Dave, as long as we've been watching your show, we've been accustomed to
five pieces
of viewer mail.
Well, on May 1st, 1986, you only showed four.
What happened to that fifth letter?
Did Paul accidentally pick it, pack it in his luggage for his trip to Vancouver
that day?
Paul was going off to visit the royal couple in Vancouver.
Anyway, whatever the case is, this letter lost forever.
Jim Anderson and Leo Ducharme, or Ducharme, or whatever.
I'm sorry, Leo.
Anyway, it comes from Durham, Massachusetts.
I'm sorry, Durham, New Hampshire.
Well, we're close on most of these.
You know, this is a very good question, Jim and Leo.
Sometimes we'll actually tape five letters for broadcast, but you at home won't
get to see all of them.
For an explanation of why this sometimes happens, take a look now at this short
film prepared by NBC
in conjunction with the National Security Agency.
I think you'll find it interesting.
Here at NBC, occasionally even the most professional performer can divulge a
secret
that could potentially harm our national security.
Letter number five.
Dear Dave, I am an American flyer, and next week we will be launching a
surprise attack against Libya.
Do you have any advice as to what I should wear?
Instantly, a military sensor in the control room alerts the proper authorities.
Mr. President, we have a situation here, sir.
Yes, sir, I'm initiating a condition three.
Throughout NBC, the Crisis Strike Force mobilizes for immediate action.
The videotape is rushed to a high-security editing facility where the sensitive
material is removed and destroyed.
Then, all civilians who attended the taping are located, and visited, by
government representatives who carefully explain the situation
and ask for their assistance until the crisis has passed.
Finally, this seamlessly edited videotape is broadcast to a grateful public,
with no one the wiser.
The videotape is broadcast to a public, with no one the wiser.
The videotape is broadcast to a public, with no one the wiser.
The videotape is broadcast to a public, with no one the wiser.
The videotape is broadcast to a public, with no one the wiser.
The videotape is broadcast to a public, with no one the wiser.
The videotape is broadcast to a public, with no one the wiser.
The videotape is broadcast to a public, with no one the wiser.
The videotape is broadcast to a public, with no one the wiser.
The videotape is broadcast to a public, with no one the wiser.
The videotape is broadcast to a public, with no one the wiser.
The videotape, keeping America entertained and free.
Okay.
Remember, it's bail bondsman night here, and also Cher.
We'll do a commercial, we'll be right back. Thank you.