Name: Viewer Mail: Chris Elliott's Conspiracy Begins | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-10-05T15:00:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Chris Elliott's Conspiracy Begins | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Chris Elliott's Conspiracy Begins | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-05. Transcript available.

We, you know who's, Paul, do you know who's across the hall?
Do you have any idea who's over there?
Doing Live at Five?
That's right.
No, I don't. Who's over there?
One of the most beautiful women in the world.
Sophia Loren is over there.
You're kidding.
Have you ever met Sophia Loren?
I've never had the pleasure.
Should we go over there or not?
Hold on, hold on.
See, this is the kind of thing that could turn ugly like that.
I'll have to be honest with you.
Everybody on this staff, on the staff of this program,
thinks this is a keen idea.
Sophia knows nothing about it, so, you know,
it could be, you know, kind of ugly.
But I can do this without being nasty about it, right?
We just want to go over, introduce ourselves,
get a look at her.
No, no, it was a coarse, terrible thing to do.
All right, now, but if it gets screwed up
and ugly and embarrassing,
it'll still be all right, okay?
All right.
I'll go over there.
No, you can cover me, Paul.
This is, of course, the legendary hallway.
How do you do?
Nice to see you.
Get that pressed, will you?
All right.
Carl, you all set?
How do you do?
Are you friends with the groom?
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, you remember Bob Rooney.
That's all right.
That's all right.
Just, uh, Sophia dropped the set out of her ring.
How do you do?
Hi, Liz.
How are you?
This is legendary columnist Liz Smith, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Rita Stippo.
Rita, hi.
Nice to see you.
Hi, David.
Rita was on our show years and years ago
with the home movies, weren't you?
That's right.
Nice to see you.
We're going to see if we can...
Yes, do that.
We're going to get thrown out on her ears,
but we're going to do...
How do you do?
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you, too.
Thank you.
Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
We're testing some equipment.
Well.
Okay, let's just...
What was that guy?
I am scared, silly.
How do you do?
Hi.
Excuse me.
Come right in.
Watch your step, will you?
How do you do?
Is it Miss Lorraine?
Hi.
My name's David Letterman.
It's certainly a pleasure to meet you.
We are doing a show across the hall.
Oh, I know.
Oh, we want to...
Could you just say hello to the folks in our studio audience?
Hi.
Oh, that's very nice of you.
Well, you're lovely.
You're just beautiful.
You really shouldn't be smoking, though.
I'm smoking because I knew you were going to photograph me.
Oh, were you...
No, you didn't know that, did you?
Yes, I did.
Did somebody tell you that?
Yes.
I can foretell things.
Oh, so you have mystical powers?
Nice meeting you.
Good luck to you.
Thank you.
It really was a pleasure meeting you.
Thank you very much.
Take care.
I appreciate it.
Bye-bye.
Easy and easy.
Good luck.
Oh, no, it's fine.
Why don't you want to get...
Oh, no, it's perfect.
Be in touch with us about what?
About Sophia the next time.
Oh, okay, fine.
All right, well, that was Sophia Loren.
Something about flu shots.
Hi, how are you?
Give this back to Bob?
All right, we'll go back inside now.
Hi, Frank, how are you?
All right, good, nice to see you.
Good.
Nice to see you.
How are we doing?
Go on?
Go on.
Go on.
Now, she didn't know we were coming over there, did she?
No.
All right.
Handsome looking, though, isn't she?
But she had, like, an unfiltered look like a Lucky.
I'm serious.
Smoking a Lucky.
But, I mean, that's not the kind of thing Sophia Loren ought to be doing is
puffing on a Lucky, should it?
It's like a Teamsters meeting in there.
It's like a Teamsters meeting in there.
Well, this is viewer mail night, ladies and gentlemen.
This is a tradition for us ever since the late 50s.
We've been answering our viewer mail, and tonight is certainly no exception.
I'm still a little nervous about that.
Let's go on to letter number one.
This comes to us from a gentleman named Bill Frost, Santa Clara, Utah.
Dear Dave, Bill says, can you believe it?
A whopping five pounds.
Well, Bill, I have to agree with you that five pounds is pretty impressive, but
take a look at this, Bill.
This is eight pounds.
Steve?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we like to start out with the sophisticated stuff.
All right, that was letter number one.
Letter number two.
Dear Dave, I watch your show every other night.
Parentheses.
I can't watch it every night because of Stupid School, and I really like it.
I always watch it Thursday because of viewer mail.
Maureen Jackson, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Thank you very much, Maureen.
You know, we were so intrigued to learn from your letter about the Philadelphia
Stupid School
that we sent our late-night camera crew to tape some classes, so please, folks,
if you'll watch the monitors, and at home, use your TVs.
Can anybody tell me who is the second President of the United States?
Delaware?
Thank you, Roger.
That was a very stupid answer.
Does anybody know an even stupider answer?
Going to the zoo?
Very good, Maureen.
Certainly a very nice, a credit to our fine public educational system.
And, of course, good luck to the Phillies.
Now, letter number three.
Dear Dave, I am writing this for the millions of Americans who have become
smash maniacs.
Yes, thanks to you, we can't go a week without seeing objects being smashed,
shattered, and pulverated.
So, Dave, let's get out there and make all of us sleep easier at night.
I'll even go as far as to say smashing this.
I'll even go as far as to smashing this live moth to get things going.
Here's truly Tim Devantier, Fullerton, California.
Timothy, you didn't really have to kill a moth, just to make your point.
The steamroller segments on the show are very popular.
We know that.
The problem is that they're very expensive to produce, so we can't really be
expected to turn them out.
Excuse me, Mr. Letterman.
Hey, that guy that killed that moth, I wonder if you have his address.
His address, yes.
He lives at 2312 Macon Avenue, Fullerton, California.
2312.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks.
Yeah, okay.
Take care.
So, anyway, Tim, we'll try to get more of those segments on for you as soon as
possible.
Okay.
Let's see.
Letter number four.
David, you are my favorite TV friend.
Well, that's very nice.
That is why I'm coming to you with this complex problem.
Please help.
Why are there parts missing from frozen Cornish game hens?
The missing parts are either a leg or wing.
Only you can give this issue proper attention, Marla.
Marla.
Well, Marla, for the answer to your question, we contacted the Chamber of
Commerce in Cornwall, England, home of the Cornish game hens.
It turns out that that's what the Cornish game is.
You see, two teams of 12 men trying to pull legs and wings off as many hands as
possible in two 45-minute halves.
I hope that answers your question.
Finally, letter number five, Marilee Lipton.
Oh, that's a pleasant name.
Isn't that a nice name, Paul?
Marilee Lipton?
Portchester, New York.
Dear Dave, Dave, Dave, what should I do?
Every night at 1230, my television picture gets really fuzzy and I miss your
show.
I haven't seen Late Night since, well, since way back in the late 50s.
It's very frustrating.
I say it's a conspiracy against me, Dave.
What do you think?
You've got to help me, Dave.
You've just got to.
Thanks again, Marilee Lipton.
Well, Marilee, you know, I'd be glad to help you, but before I can, you're
going to have to abandon this ridiculous notion of yours that there's some sort
of sinister conspiracy out to get you.
This is a very absurd idea.
Wait a second.
Listen to me.
There is a conspiracy.
He's a liar.
He's lying to you.
I have names.
I have dates.
It goes higher than you can possibly imagine.
He's going to try to come out.
Oh, dear.
Well, I certainly hope you've all enjoyed Viewer Mail this week.
I know I have, and just remember this, Sophia Loren smokes luckies.
Now, we've got a fine show for you tonight.
Julia Child will be here.
An excellent band.
R.E.M., Los Angeles Times Magazine, in a recent write-up, indicated that their
new album was among the best of 1983, so we're excited about having them here.
Also, another installment of Limited Perspective tonight.
A welder, John David George, will be here to review the movie Flashdance.
Come on back when you're done looking at the commercials.
Thank you.