Name: Staff Favorite Moments: Writer Tim Long | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-10-10T15:00:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Staff Favorite Moments: Writer Tim Long | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Staff Favorite Moments: Writer Tim Long | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-10. Transcript available.

Hello, my name is Tim Long. I was a writer at The Late Show between 1995 and
1998, and I was also the head writer for one year.
I was insanely devoted to the old show. I grew up in small town Canada, but we
were within the broadcast area of Detroit,
and the Detroit NBC affiliate showed the old late night a half hour later.
So on school nights, I'd be up at 1.45 watching Dave interview like Brother Theodore,
and then I would go to school groggy the next day.
Camping with Barry White was the strangest thing in the world, and it made me
realize just the way that the show could turn silly throwaway concepts into
real things.
It's my understanding that somebody on the staff just said Camping with Barry
White.
That actually came about because I just wanted to make him laugh one time, so
he said,
so what did you do over the break? And I said, well, you're not going to like
this, but I went camping with Barry White.
I found out today that a member of our staff once went camping with Barry White.
Four days later, there's a tent on the stage, and there's Barry White.
It just felt like this show is really hitting me right in the pleasure center
of my brain.
Funny little thing. Ouch!
Barry White has just been bitten by a northern copperhead.
What you've seen here, fortunately, is only a dramatization.
But if you were camping with Barry White and something like this happened,
would you know what to do?
Suction the venom out of the wound.
There you are.
There were a number of pieces that were featured in this thing called Late
Night the Book.
It was a PSA about how you should never give up on television.
One of Dave's great insistences was that he was not an actor.
But then when you got him to act, it was like, Dave could have done this.
And there's a moment in that video where he gets really angry at the kid, where
you can feel the heat.
This canceled business.
It could never happen to Voyagers, could it?
Yes, Jimmy.
And I'm afraid it has.
Jimmy!
Jimmy!
It was different.
It was really special.
I don't think I'll ever watch TV again.
Jimmy!
Don't ever say that.
Not even as a joke.
There was this piece, I think, late in the run of the NBC show called The
Strong Guy, The Fat Guy, and The Genius.
Rewatching it, the genius is the weak link.
Because he's not really solving anything.
He just spouts facts that you can get off the internet.
It's so delightful and just makes everything else on TV look stupid.
Can you break that clock?
Do you have something for the fat guy to eat?
Head of lettuce?
A head of lettuce?
Yeah, what's the properties of an isosceles triangle?
It's got two sides that are equal.
A chair, he'll break it.
A chair, he'll eat it.
A square, he'll calculate the size.
16 times 12 would be, let's see, 162, 192.
Mr. Strong Guy, Mr. Fat Guy, Mr. Genius.
You're three modern heroes in disguise.
My first joke ever was a setup to the top ten list where Dave said, oh, we don't
have a top ten list.
And he ran out into the back and there was a vending machine that said top ten
list.
I just remember thinking, this is amazing.
I just thought up that stupid joke and then they made up that vending machine.
I don't seem to have the copy of the list.
Oh, right here.
There we go.
Let's just see.
Put it in there.
All right.
Let's try that one.
Okay.
Let's try that one.
Okay.
Let's try that one.
Okay.
Is that cop still here?
Can I borrow your gun, officer?
Okay.
Let's try that one.
All right.
Let's just turn the son of a bitch over.
I got sent to Miami to oversee a project called, will you eat the key lime pie?
We would place a key lime pie on a payphone and then Dave would call the payphone
and whoever
picked up, Dave would ask the eponymous question, will you eat the key lime pie?
So I had to hold the payphone until the last possible second.
So I was on the payphone and Jessica Santini in the control room was talking to
me, but she
didn't seem to clock that Dave wanted me to get off the phone.
And then I hear in the background really faintly, for the love of God, Tim, get
off the phone.
And it's Dave.
I put together to my horror that Dave has been yelling at me on camera for
about a minute.
It all went fine.
Someone picked up and someone ate the pie.
To this day, I don't know whether that was edited out because I just couldn't
bring myself
to watch it.
Thank God.
Well, look at the lovely pastel green and pink there on the outside of that
building.
Hi, it's me, Dave Letterman.
Eat the key lime pie.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's your name?
Hello.
Hi, hi, it's me, Dave Letterman.
What's your name?
Carlos Pai.
Hey, good.
Carlos, do me a favor.
Do you like key lime pie?
Yeah, I do.
Okay, there's some right behind you on top of the phone there.
Ah, I got it.
There you go.
Spotted it right away.
Excellent piece of detective work.
And now, Carlos, I have to ask you one question.
Yeah.
Will you eat the key lime pie?
If I eat it?
Yes.
Of course.
All right.
I'm so glad.
Yeah, oh, sure.
By all means, get the linen.
Get the linen in place.
Okay.
Okay.
Can you hurry it up?
Rosie O'Donnell is great tonight.
Oh, yeah.
What do you want me to eat it?
Yeah, just eat it.
Eat it.
Eat it.
Come on.
Here we go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My first month at the show, I was good at some things.
I think I wrote good jokes.
I wrote good segment material, but I didn't have a handle on remotes.
I think the idea I pitched was, Dave takes 20 staffers downtown to get a tattoo.
And I remember Tonic saying, you've seen television, right?
I'm not sure we have a lens wide enough for 20 people.
But they sort of zeroed in on Zoe.
So I edited the piece together.
Somebody said, well, you got to put music on this.
And I didn't understand how music clearance worked.
And so I put like seven big pop songs in it.
I found out later that it was one of the most expensive segments we'd ever done.
Because I didn't know that you had to pay those people.
Just take the edge off.
Thanks.
Go ahead and finish it up.
This is sort of like what we did when mom wanted her mustache removed.
Same kind of deal.
We had to get her full of malt liquor, too.
Do you draw?
Do you paint?
Do you sketch?
Yeah, I draw.
I paint.
I sketch.
I figure skate.
I do it all.
What was funny about like going out with him on remotes,
there was sort of this ritual where you had to have a lot of stuff prepared.
Like especially early on, I would just like write and write and write.
And I'd have like, you try to war game every scenario in a remote.
And then the camera would roll.
And he would just go off on his own crazy tangent.
That was kind of how I remember Dave the Happiest.
It was like kind of engineering situations where Rupert G came very, very close
to getting murdered.
Would you like some fresh ground pepper?
Would you like some fresh ground pepper?
Let me put a little fresh ground pepper on that bread.
Let me put a little fresh ground pepper on the bread.
Would you stop it?
I'm serious.
What's the problem?
What's the problem?
It's a condiment.
This is a condiment.
You're aggravating the hell out of me.
I don't want pepper on my bread, okay?
I said no.
Where would you like the pepper?
Where would you like the pepper?
I don't want any right now.
All right.
How about your friend?
How about your friend?
I want you to get out of my face.
I want another waiter.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
Who are you?
Martha Stewart?
Who are you?
Martha Stewart?
Carry it over there by the rim.
By the rim.
By the rim?
Yeah.
Just with your thumb down in it.
Yeah.
Get it down in there.
Just get it all the way in.
Is it in the water?
Yeah.
Okay.
There you go.
You know, I don't want to take that back.
Just take it back.
What's the problem now?
What's the problem now?
Put your finger in my glass.
Just get out of here, okay?
Well, who are you?
The Queen of England?
Well, who are you?
The Queen of England?
I just ran.
But I don't want your finger in my glass, okay?
So get out of my face.
It was my thumb.
It was my thumb.
Your thumb, your finger, whatever.
I don't want it.
Do you mind?
Can I have a seat?
Away from the table, okay?
Touch me.
Die.
Go away.
Go away.
What a lovely attitude.
Come on, what a lovely attitude.
Bon appétit.
Bon appétit.
When you're at the Letterman Show,
you become sort of a guerrilla of comedy.
Like you examine the entire landscape of the show
and you think,
how can I slip some comedy in there?
There's this little song
that precedes every top ten list.
What if we changed the nature of that song?
And what if we made it into a love ballad?
One of the great pleasures of working at the Late Show
is that you could come up with an idea
and then it would be on the air that day.
So I handed this thing in.
The amazing production staff,
Jill Liederman and Nancy Agostini,
would go to work.
And by two o'clock that afternoon,
you got like a world-class male Broadway singer,
a world-class female Broadway singer,
and a children's choir.
It was just thrilling.
Those are memories I'll never lose.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please enjoy the Late Show Top Ten
Love Ballad.
Oh, this will be good.
Love, a feeling both human and divine
The top ten list,
so much moneyer than lists
of eight or nine
Love, it captured our hearts
and made us one.
The top ten list,
a ten-step journey on the road
to talk show fun.
Top ten love ballad,
we sing it cause we hold the list so dear.
Like a delicious salad,
the list has many parts,
some we'd love.
Some we'll hear.
Top ten love ballad,
somehow our love
will see us through.
Top ten love ballad,
bringing top ten love
to me and you.
One of the amazing things
about working at the Late Show,
especially when you're a kid
from nowhere,
is that you suddenly realize
you're in this bizarro
celebrity netherworld.
And the best example of that
is a story that
doesn't really involve me,
and a lot of it's secondhand,
and I probably shouldn't tell,
but screw it.
One of the amazing things
about Dave is that
he's one of the very few people
on the planet
who can act natural on camera
and just say whatever
he wants to say.
At first, you know,
they were kind of like
a new couple.
Who's they?
Mira and Quentin.
Mira and Quentin.
Quentin Tarantino.
Mira and Quentin Tarantino.
Is her boyfriend.
No.
Okay.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Why?
I find that, well,
it's just a little discouraging.
I mean, all geniusness aside,
but he's kind of geeky,
the guy, right?
No.
Just a little?
No.
The guy who did
Reservoir Dogs?
No.
I mean, yeah,
undeniably that,
he can write films and direct,
but you know,
when you get right down to it,
he's just a little dweeby,
isn't he?
I believe Dave got a call
like later that day
or the next day,
and Dave,
it's Quentin Tarantino
on line one.
Apparently,
Quentin Tarantino
said something like,
I'm going to kick your ass.
You made fun of me
for dating Mira Sorvino.
Like there was something
wrong with it.
And Dave apparently said,
but yeah,
there is something wrong with it
because she's her
and you're you.
Once he sort of put together
what was happening,
Dave said,
I am going to,
we will arrange for you
first class airfare
for you to fly to New York
and we will get you
a very nice suite
at the hotel of your choice
and you can come over
and kick my ass.
And he was like,
good.
Thankfully,
Quentin Tarantino
didn't take him up on it.
A couple of months later,
Quentin was on the show.
So Dave wisely was like,
okay,
I guess I got to go talk to him.
We should probably clear the air
before the segment.
And so Dave goes up
and then there was a,
it was a long time
they were in there.
We're like,
what's going on?
And then Dave came out
and he did this really funny thing
where he pretended
to hold his eye
like he'd been beaten up
by Quentin.
But what an odd thing
to have happen.
My first trip to LA
was to come with Dave
and a crew
to shoot a bunch of remotes.
And so we did a segment
called Fun in the Car
where it was exactly that.
Dave drove around.
We went to a muffler shop
and just put Dave's car
up on a jack
and slowly lowered it
onto like all sorts of things
to be crushed.
And I remember
we put that together
with the song
Fun, Fun, Fun
by the Beach Boys.
And it just turns into this
missile of comedy.
And it was so much fun.
So again,
great experience.
I'd like 1,200 tacos.
We're going to turn the car
into a taco mobile.
How many?
Have you ever seen a guy
drink motor oil?
It's one of those
candid camera things.
Look, come here.
Come here.
Here we go.
I'm Alan Funt, Jr.
Hey, wave to the truck.
Help yourself
to the complimentary tacos.
I've filled my car
with tacos
and I've gone nuts.
You know how some people
wake up and say,
I didn't study for the exam.
I still wake up sometimes
and think,
we don't have an act one.
Like, it's just something
that sticks with you forever.
You know how some people
wake up and say,
I didn't study for the exam.
I still wake up sometimes
and think,
we don't have an act one.

Staff Favorite Moments: Writer Tim Long | Letterman

Hello, my name is Tim Long. I was a writer at The Late Show between 1995 and
1998, and I was also the head writer for one year.
I was insanely devoted to the old show. I grew up in small town Canada, but we
were within the broadcast area of Detroit,
and the Detroit NBC affiliate showed the old late night a half hour later.
So on school nights, I'd be up at 1.45 watching Dave interview like Brother Theodore,
and then I would go to school groggy the next day.
Camping with Barry White was the strangest thing in the world, and it made me
realize just the way that the show could turn silly throwaway concepts into
real things.
It's my understanding that somebody on the staff just said Camping with Barry
White.
That actually came about because I just wanted to make him laugh one time, so
he said,
so what did you do over the break? And I said, well, you're not going to like
this, but I went camping with Barry White.
I found out today that a member of our staff once went camping with Barry White.
Four days later, there's a tent on the stage, and there's Barry White.
It just felt like this show is really hitting me right in the pleasure center
of my brain.
Funny little thing. Ouch!
Barry White has just been bitten by a northern copperhead.
What you've seen here, fortunately, is only a dramatization.
But if you were camping with Barry White and something like this happened,
would you know what to do?
Suction the venom out of the wound.
There you are.
There were a number of pieces that were featured in this thing called Late
Night the Book.
It was a PSA about how you should never give up on television.
One of Dave's great insistences was that he was not an actor.
But then when you got him to act, it was like, Dave could have done this.
And there's a moment in that video where he gets really angry at the kid, where
you can feel the heat.
This canceled business.
It could never happen to Voyagers, could it?
Yes, Jimmy.
And I'm afraid it has.
Jimmy!
Jimmy!
It was different.
It was really special.
I don't think I'll ever watch TV again.
Jimmy!
Don't ever say that.
Not even as a joke.
There was this piece, I think, late in the run of the NBC show called The
Strong Guy, The Fat Guy, and The Genius.
Rewatching it, the genius is the weak link.
Because he's not really solving anything.
He just spouts facts that you can get off the internet.
It's so delightful and just makes everything else on TV look stupid.
Can you break that clock?
Do you have something for the fat guy to eat?
Head of lettuce?
A head of lettuce?
Yeah, what's the properties of an isosceles triangle?
It's got two sides that are equal.
A chair, he'll break it.
A chair, he'll eat it.
A square, he'll calculate the size.
16 times 12 would be, let's see, 162, 192.
Mr. Strong Guy, Mr. Fat Guy, Mr. Genius.
You're three modern heroes in disguise.
My first joke ever was a setup to the top ten list where Dave said, oh, we don't
have a top ten list.
And he ran out into the back and there was a vending machine that said top ten
list.
I just remember thinking, this is amazing.
I just thought up that stupid joke and then they made up that vending machine.
I don't seem to have the copy of the list.
Oh, right here.
There we go.
Let's just see.
Put it in there.
All right.
Let's try that one.
Okay.
Let's try that one.
Okay.
Let's try that one.
Okay.
Is that cop still here?
Can I borrow your gun, officer?
Okay.
Let's try that one.
All right.
Let's just turn the son of a bitch over.
I got sent to Miami to oversee a project called, will you eat the key lime pie?
We would place a key lime pie on a payphone and then Dave would call the payphone
and whoever
picked up, Dave would ask the eponymous question, will you eat the key lime pie?
So I had to hold the payphone until the last possible second.
So I was on the payphone and Jessica Santini in the control room was talking to
me, but she
didn't seem to clock that Dave wanted me to get off the phone.
And then I hear in the background really faintly, for the love of God, Tim, get
off the phone.
And it's Dave.
I put together to my horror that Dave has been yelling at me on camera for
about a minute.
It all went fine.
Someone picked up and someone ate the pie.
To this day, I don't know whether that was edited out because I just couldn't
bring myself
to watch it.
Thank God.
Well, look at the lovely pastel green and pink there on the outside of that
building.
Hi, it's me, Dave Letterman.
Eat the key lime pie.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's your name?
Hello.
Hi, hi, it's me, Dave Letterman.
What's your name?
Carlos Pai.
Hey, good.
Carlos, do me a favor.
Do you like key lime pie?
Yeah, I do.
Okay, there's some right behind you on top of the phone there.
Ah, I got it.
There you go.
Spotted it right away.
Excellent piece of detective work.
And now, Carlos, I have to ask you one question.
Yeah.
Will you eat the key lime pie?
If I eat it?
Yes.
Of course.
All right.
I'm so glad.
Yeah, oh, sure.
By all means, get the linen.
Get the linen in place.
Okay.
Okay.
Can you hurry it up?
Rosie O'Donnell is great tonight.
Oh, yeah.
What do you want me to eat it?
Yeah, just eat it.
Eat it.
Eat it.
Come on.
Here we go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My first month at the show, I was good at some things.
I think I wrote good jokes.
I wrote good segment material, but I didn't have a handle on remotes.
I think the idea I pitched was, Dave takes 20 staffers downtown to get a tattoo.
And I remember Tonic saying, you've seen television, right?
I'm not sure we have a lens wide enough for 20 people.
But they sort of zeroed in on Zoe.
So I edited the piece together.
Somebody said, well, you got to put music on this.
And I didn't understand how music clearance worked.
And so I put like seven big pop songs in it.
I found out later that it was one of the most expensive segments we'd ever done.
Because I didn't know that you had to pay those people.
Just take the edge off.
Thanks.
Go ahead and finish it up.
This is sort of like what we did when mom wanted her mustache removed.
Same kind of deal.
We had to get her full of malt liquor, too.
Do you draw?
Do you paint?
Do you sketch?
Yeah, I draw.
I paint.
I sketch.
I figure skate.
I do it all.
What was funny about like going out with him on remotes,
there was sort of this ritual where you had to have a lot of stuff prepared.
Like especially early on, I would just like write and write and write.
And I'd have like, you try to war game every scenario in a remote.
And then the camera would roll.
And he would just go off on his own crazy tangent.
That was kind of how I remember Dave the Happiest.
It was like kind of engineering situations where Rupert G came very, very close
to getting murdered.
Would you like some fresh ground pepper?
Would you like some fresh ground pepper?
Let me put a little fresh ground pepper on that bread.
Let me put a little fresh ground pepper on the bread.
Would you stop it?
I'm serious.
What's the problem?
What's the problem?
It's a condiment.
This is a condiment.
You're aggravating the hell out of me.
I don't want pepper on my bread, okay?
I said no.
Where would you like the pepper?
Where would you like the pepper?
I don't want any right now.
All right.
How about your friend?
How about your friend?
I want you to get out of my face.
I want another waiter.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
Who are you?
Martha Stewart?
Who are you?
Martha Stewart?
Carry it over there by the rim.
By the rim.
By the rim?
Yeah.
Just with your thumb down in it.
Yeah.
Get it down in there.
Just get it all the way in.
Is it in the water?
Yeah.
Okay.
There you go.
You know, I don't want to take that back.
Just take it back.
What's the problem now?
What's the problem now?
Put your finger in my glass.
Just get out of here, okay?
Well, who are you?
The Queen of England?
Well, who are you?
The Queen of England?
I just ran.
But I don't want your finger in my glass, okay?
So get out of my face.
It was my thumb.
It was my thumb.
Your thumb, your finger, whatever.
I don't want it.
Do you mind?
Can I have a seat?
Away from the table, okay?
Touch me.
Die.
Go away.
Go away.
What a lovely attitude.
Come on, what a lovely attitude.
Bon appétit.
Bon appétit.
When you're at the Letterman Show,
you become sort of a guerrilla of comedy.
Like you examine the entire landscape of the show
and you think,
how can I slip some comedy in there?
There's this little song
that precedes every top ten list.
What if we changed the nature of that song?
And what if we made it into a love ballad?
One of the great pleasures of working at the Late Show
is that you could come up with an idea
and then it would be on the air that day.
So I handed this thing in.
The amazing production staff,
Jill Liederman and Nancy Agostini,
would go to work.
And by two o'clock that afternoon,
you got like a world-class male Broadway singer,
a world-class female Broadway singer,
and a children's choir.
It was just thrilling.
Those are memories I'll never lose.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please enjoy the Late Show Top Ten
Love Ballad.
Oh, this will be good.
Love, a feeling both human and divine
The top ten list,
so much moneyer than lists
of eight or nine
Love, it captured our hearts
and made us one.
The top ten list,
a ten-step journey on the road
to talk show fun.
Top ten love ballad,
we sing it cause we hold the list so dear.
Like a delicious salad,
the list has many parts,
some we'd love.
Some we'll hear.
Top ten love ballad,
somehow our love
will see us through.
Top ten love ballad,
bringing top ten love
to me and you.
One of the amazing things
about working at the Late Show,
especially when you're a kid
from nowhere,
is that you suddenly realize
you're in this bizarro
celebrity netherworld.
And the best example of that
is a story that
doesn't really involve me,
and a lot of it's secondhand,
and I probably shouldn't tell,
but screw it.
One of the amazing things
about Dave is that
he's one of the very few people
on the planet
who can act natural on camera
and just say whatever
he wants to say.
At first, you know,
they were kind of like
a new couple.
Who's they?
Mira and Quentin.
Mira and Quentin.
Quentin Tarantino.
Mira and Quentin Tarantino.
Is her boyfriend.
No.
Okay.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Why?
I find that, well,
it's just a little discouraging.
I mean, all geniusness aside,
but he's kind of geeky,
the guy, right?
No.
Just a little?
No.
The guy who did
Reservoir Dogs?
No.
I mean, yeah,
undeniably that,
he can write films and direct,
but you know,
when you get right down to it,
he's just a little dweeby,
isn't he?
I believe Dave got a call
like later that day
or the next day,
and Dave,
it's Quentin Tarantino
on line one.
Apparently,
Quentin Tarantino
said something like,
I'm going to kick your ass.
You made fun of me
for dating Mira Sorvino.
Like there was something
wrong with it.
And Dave apparently said,
but yeah,
there is something wrong with it
because she's her
and you're you.
Once he sort of put together
what was happening,
Dave said,
I am going to,
we will arrange for you
first class airfare
for you to fly to New York
and we will get you
a very nice suite
at the hotel of your choice
and you can come over
and kick my ass.
And he was like,
good.
Thankfully,
Quentin Tarantino
didn't take him up on it.
A couple of months later,
Quentin was on the show.
So Dave wisely was like,
okay,
I guess I got to go talk to him.
We should probably clear the air
before the segment.
And so Dave goes up
and then there was a,
it was a long time
they were in there.
We're like,
what's going on?
And then Dave came out
and he did this really funny thing
where he pretended
to hold his eye
like he'd been beaten up
by Quentin.
But what an odd thing
to have happen.
My first trip to LA
was to come with Dave
and a crew
to shoot a bunch of remotes.
And so we did a segment
called Fun in the Car
where it was exactly that.
Dave drove around.
We went to a muffler shop
and just put Dave's car
up on a jack
and slowly lowered it
onto like all sorts of things
to be crushed.
And I remember
we put that to