Name: Dave Milks A Cow | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-11-08T16:00:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Milks A Cow | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Milks A Cow | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-08. Transcript available.

- This morning, I get to fulfill a lifelong dream.
I get to milk a cow, or at least attempt to milk a cow.
We have about a 1,200 pound Holstein back there,
and a wonderful animal.
I'm serious, I've not spent much time with cows,
and I think I will in the future, however.
But we're going to milk one.
Am I rambling?
Welcome back to the show.
This is Joy the Cow.
You know, when you drive through the country,
you see a lot of these things,
but I thought we'd take the opportunity
to get a look at one up close here.
- And this is Joy's owner, Carol Garner.
Where are you and the cow from, Carol?
- We're from Cobusco, New York.
- And that's, I guess, up north a little bit?
- That's near Albany.
- And you, I'm guessing here again,
that you have a dairy farm.
- We have a dairy farm, right.
- And what kind of cow is Joy?
- Joy is a Holstein cow.
- How old is Joy?
- Joy is six years old.
- And how old will she get?
- She may get as much as 12.
- Yeah.
How much does she weigh?
- She probably weighs between 12 and 1,500 pounds.
- Ooh, ooh, she shifted there a second.
- That's okay.
- And how much milk will she produce
in the course of a year?
- In a year's time, she'll make
about 16,000 pounds of milk.
- Wow.
And what would that be in quarts?
Can you do fractions?
- Not that fast.
- How's your long division?
- All right, that's eight ton of milk.
- Eight tons of milk.
Now you don't still milk cows by hand, do you?
- We don't milk by hand.
We use milking machines and a pipeline, which means that the milk is never
handled by hand
from cow to the dairy.
- All right.
Sure.
Let's take a look at the electrical milking device.
Um, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You don't use that at parties, do you?
- No.
- No.
Okay.
I don't know what that means.
All right?
Um, uh, now, uh, tell me some more about Joy here.
This, what, is this normal for a cow, this, uh, stuff back here, this wing here?
- This is, uh, very normal for a typical Holstein cow.
You like to have, uh, what you call dairy character, good body, uh, good udder,
uh, depth of body.
- She's an-
- Things like this that make her look real feminine.
- She, yeah, she's, uh, she seems to be very even-tempered, is she?
- She is pretty even-tempered.
Okay.
Now, how often would you milk her if she were-
- We milk her twice a day.
- All right.
Go ahead, Carol, and show me what we're gonna, what we're gonna learn here
about a cow.
- Well, if you milk her by hand, you need to massage the udder momentarily to
get her
to let down milk.
- No.
- Then you just start.
- Now, could you eventually fill up that bucket with her today?
- Yes, I could.
- And how big is that?
What, what does that hold?
- I would guess that's a, uh, three-gallon bucket.
- Good heavens.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I gotta move this off, this device.
All right.
Let me put this here.
Hello, Joy.
How are you?
Can I get you a tissue?
Are cows very smart?
- Yes, they are.
They're smart when you don't want them to be, and dumb when you want them to be
smart.
- Now, what does that mean?
- In other words, when you don't want them to jump the fence at will, and when
you want
them to come in the barn or come up the elevator, well, they act dumb.
All right.
Before I do that, tell me about rumen magnets.
What is a rumen magnet?
- Frequently, we'll put very strong magnets that are about the size of your
thumb down into
a cow's stomach.
When cows are grazing out in the pasture, they sometimes pick up bits of
hardware, bits of
fence wire, nails, things like that.
- Just trash that's accumulating.
- Trash.
And the magnets will gather that trash and hold it right in their stomach so
that they don't
perforate the stomach.
- Okay.
I'm going to try this.
Do you mind, Carol?
- Sure.
- All right.
What do I need to do first?
- Just touch her on the flank to start with so she knows you're coming to her.
- So try and make friends with the cows here.
- Make friends with her.
- Right.
- Okay.
That's just a good policy in life generally, isn't it?
- I think so.
- Oh, she's leaning again.
- That's all right.
Don't worry.
- Okay.
Come on down.
- Hello, Joy.
I'm talking to the wrong end.
I realize it's the matter with me.
Okay.
It's very warm.
Very nice.
She won't kick.
Have you ever been thumped by a cow?
- Boy, have I.
- Have you?
Okay.
Now, can I take a seat?
- Yes, you can.
- Okay.
Now, are we going to be able to see anything if I sit like this?
- Why don't you come over to the side a little bit.
- Okay.
Here?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, now I'm going to get it right in the head.
Okay.
All right.
Now what?
I got this down now, don't you think?
- Just take a hold of it right at the base of the teeth there and clamp it off
and then
just start squeezing.
- Okay.
Do I have to use that one?
- You can use any one.
You've got four choices.
- My golly, you do.
Okay.
Now you squeeze here.
- Squeeze.
- Squeeze.
All right.
- Just grab hold and squeeze hard.
- How many times have we heard that?
I don't know what that means either.
All right.
Okay.
Squeeze hard.
Oh, there you go.
- Oh, yeah.
Now if there's enough fast nuts, you can do it in about three minutes.
- Three minutes?
The whole thing?
- You ought to be able to do it.
- Can you do two-handed cow?
- You can do two-handed.
Well, I suppose there's a team competition too, isn't there?
Certainly enough outlets.
Now does the cow mind this at all?
- She probably enjoys it right now.
- Mm-hmm.
- Probably a little bit uncomfortable because she has such a full bag.
- Whoops.
That was the name of your last album, wasn't it, Frank?
That's what I thought.
And again, I don't know what that means, but okay.
Whoa!
Look out for my head there.
This is actually a lot easier than I thought it was going to be.
- Yeah, at least you can sit down on the job.
- Yeah, yeah.
I would guess that this is fun, isn't it?
I mean, it's pretty therapeutic.
- I enjoy it.
- Yeah.
Now what happens to the milk after we get it in the bucket?
If we were still doing it by hand, what would we do with the milk then?
- If we were still using buckets, it would go into milk cans.
It would go to the milk plant where it is refrigerated, strained, pasteurized,
homogenized.
- Wow.
- Refrigerated, put it in bottles and ship down here for you to drink.
- Okay, I've got the hand of this.
There you go, Frank.
Whoa, easy.
- It's okay.
- It's okay.
- That's a lot of fun.
That's just great.
Get yourselves a cow, folks.
Very nice.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, Carol.
Thank you, Joy.
I appreciate it.
You're a sweetheart.
We'll be right back with Will Slyner.
We'll be right back with Will Slyner.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, Carol.
Thank you, Joy.
I appreciate it.
You're a sweetheart.
We'll be right back with Will Slyner.
We'll be right back with Will Slyner.
We'll be right back with Will Slyner.
We'll be right back with Will Slyner.
We'll be right back with Will Slyner.
We'll be right back with Will Slyner.