Name: Stephen Colbert Reads His Own Top Ten List | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-11-20T23:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stephen Colbert Reads His Own Top Ten List | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stephen Colbert Reads His Own Top Ten List | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-20. Transcript available.

for more than eight years now our first guest has hosted the emmy and peabody
award-winning
television program the colbert rapport and next year he will be taking over as
host of this program
the late show ladies and gentlemen please welcome the very talent the always
entertaining stephen
colbert you look good thank you you look right at home thank you very much
thanks so much you look
good too i feel good uh how has your life been the last week or so it's fine
yours well it certainly
was exciting i had a lot of fun a lot of uh interesting moments in my life the
last couple
of weeks you play any frisbee with the dog yeah i did i play well i'm telling
you something do you
have a dog i do yeah well i got one of those dogs all he wants in life is frisbee
frisbee activity
morning noon and night he loves it more than life itself should i get one of
those for this show
well because i'm gonna do i'm gonna do whatever you have done oh no no no i'm
gonna do whatever
you have done no you don't want to do that no you're i really no no it seems to
have gone pretty well
dave it's it's gone on it well i i obviously i'm thrilled i'm thrilled not i'm
thrilled as well
because in a situation like this paul and i've been doing this for a long long
time and they could have
they could have just as easily hired another boob like me but they they didn't
they hire a guy they
hired a boob like no no no no no every boob is like a snowflake dave we're all
unique in our own way
but it's interesting because i was looking at the notes this afternoon that you
actually
got a job or were an intern or tried to get a job here at one point no i did
not actually try to be
an intern here i and i was accepted as an intern here here's what happened is
in 1986 my girlfriend
in college got an appointment to uh to interview for an internship at the old
show over nbc may i ask what
what became of her you'll see it's part of the story she came here for the
internship and she was in
the room getting the interview and i'm just waiting in the hallway like a boob
and the person the next
door opens up and says are you the next guy for the thing and i said no my
friend's in there and they
said what do you want to just come talk and i said okay we had a 15-minute
conversation i got the
internship she did not yeah that's what she said and the relationship the
relationship did not last
oh my yeah and then i did the foolish thing i did not take the internship and
why was that because you
did not pay people it doesn't sound foolish it's an expensive city yeah it's an
expensive this dave i
gotta ask the next job i'm taking here that pays right this one i have nothing
to do with that because
i already signed but you get the valuable college credit you could have had
that good i have a
family you have a family and and because i don't know what i'm doing with
regard to parenthood and
a family i like to compare my family activities with your family activities and
the last time you
were on you and the whole family had gone bungee jumping now i know it wasn't
new zealand yeah but
it was just your son and your wife went we all had the opportunity only my nine-year-old
jumped
off that's right but the part that i like is your wife went shopping she said
oh let me know how it
goes yeah do a head count at the end of the day i'll be at the mall yes what
what is the family doing
now anything recent anything new anything coming up that we should know about
uh they're gonna they're
getting ready for me to hang around too much because my show i do i've got my
show for the rest of the
year and then and then there's i don't know when you're when are you leaving i
don't know i should
i should have asked because the thing is they get nervous they get nervous yeah
i think they
like me but they get nervous when i'm around too much what's it worth to you
steve
uh uh i i've i've played around with the idea like hey maybe i would like stop
doing my show
at some point would it be great if dad was hanging around more oh yeah i've had
the conversation yeah
to which my kids go dad we're really busy we've got busy schedule we've got
school we've got track
we've got everything uh you know we're not going to bake bread with you so do
you know we don't
have anything we're really big coming up right now now i know you've taken
these incredible uh ocean
races sort of thing which is yeah not strictly speaking a vacation but they're
adventures no no
they're dangerous they're manly vacations yeah are you a guy who vacates well
do you relax no i do not
this thing is i have i don't know why you do comedy but it's not because
everything's all right up here
for me and i i don't it's not a normal thing to do with your life right and uh
i mean it's more
dangerous than bungee jumping deciding to do this for a living and uh but i don't
have the constitution
for hardcore alcoholism and so i have to tell jokes all the time right or i go
a little insane have you
tried last week off and it didn't go well have you tried the alcoholism at all
have you given it a
sleepy i get sleepy if i had more muscle mass or something like that i might be
able to process
the vodka i i remember a few uh years ago you actually were physically injured
doing your show
you busted a wrist or something i yeah i broke i broke my wrist what was that
exactly i was coming
out i was tired it was after a long run and i had brand new shoes i have rubber
on the bottom of my shoes
now i used to have nice leather bottoms to my shoes because i came out and ran
around slapping
the audience's hands before the show started getting all excited everybody all
jacked up
and you know hey it's showtime dad's here we don't do that i don't i don't do
that here you don't jack
i don't do that no should i not it's all yours should i stop no no should i
stop if you've invested in
the shoes keep doing it i've already got the rubber you get the rubber no i
want i want uh i want uh
ass over tea kettle backwards and landed on my wrist yeah and then it was the
night before my vacation a
two-week vacation and i was positive i had broken my wrist yeah and i didn't
want to cast so i didn't go to
the doctor for two weeks and then finally got then finally got a cast didn't
work out well so you
walked around on vacation with the family with a busted wrist i built a boat
with a busted wrist
i've showed you pictures of the boat i built i've i built that with a broken
wrist because that's
what i bring to comedy i bring grit i mean honest to god stick to it i built a
boat with a busted wrist
the stephen colbert story i mean soon to be on broadway no time's best seller
wrist yeah uh
do you have your you have your phone ready to go oh hell yeah at all times you
and me of course can
we do a selfie is is this still what people do no this is actually very retro
now can we could we do
one i would i would love it right there it is
thank you thank you thank you now you you have a a a writing sample that you
submitted to the show
i did that's the other brush with greatness i had with you dave in 1986 i
applied to be an intern
didn't take the job in 1997 i uh you guys were looking for writers and um i was
gainfully unemployed i was
unemployed at a professional level and my writing partner and i paul daniello
we submitted a packet
to you guys and i know i know paul you know paul yeah you know paul he's a
great guy still works on
um on my show and uh y'all didn't call for like four months and by the time
that's not right i know
now now i know why because you're like did someone are there writers starving
in the streets out there
and uh when you finally called we had already been picked up for strangers with
candy the series
that's right you're doing your own thing yeah so when you called to come meet
us because that we
heard we like you we want to want to meet you we couldn't take the job so again
let's hear what you
but i have i in anticipation of coming on i found the top 10 list that we
submitted well you put it
on your own blue card i brought my own blue cards because come on guys come
prepared come on
okay all right so this was this we submitted this 17 years ago to your show and
we found it yesterday
all right what's the top okay it's it's uh it's um people usually leave milk
and cookies for santa
but he's because we wrote we submitted around christmas time yeah milk and
cookie for santa's
but he's an adult male it's a stressful job he might want a cocktail so these
are the top 10
cocktails for santa top 10 cocktails from santa okay go ahead paul okay
wait a minute wait wait he didn't get that yet what i'll never get it what are
you talking about
never get he didn't have the job yet what are you doing over there
good heavens don't let the door hit you in the ass
thanks a lot dave
make him feel at home okay this top 10 top 10 cocktails can you anton you can
get in on this
all right all right top top 10 cocktails for santa okay number 10 the rusty blitzen
it's one ounce of scotch one ounce of jambui twist of venison
twist of venison number nine mama said nog you out
three fingers of eggnog one finger of ether parumpa pump rum open can of fruit
cocktail add two ounces
of rum enjoy responsibly vodka giblet one part vodka any part turkey organ
i don't think you would have hired me at this point again 17 years ago number
six scrooge driver grain
alcohol and regret that's all right i like that number five no room at the gin
chill martini glass
filled with gin until there is no room for anything else number four on comment
on cupid on dasher wine
spritzer number three king of the juice any available juice any available
liquor wedge of matzo
number two jack frost equal parts jack daniels and snow seasonal uh-huh and the
number one
cocktail for santa silent night train
i like the fact that you explained all of them all of the jokes have been
explained you don't you
don't explain you know we gave up on that back in 97 ladies gentlemen here he
is it's the new kid
and you can see him now currently on the colbert rapport mondays through thursdays
always a pleasure
my friend thank you good luck to you and your family good luck with the show
thank you dave we'll be right
back with robin roberts everybody