Name: Albert Brooks On Sylvester Stallone & Arnold Schwarzenegger | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-11-21T23:16:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Albert Brooks On Sylvester Stallone & Arnold Schwarzenegger | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Albert Brooks On Sylvester Stallone & Arnold Schwarzenegger | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-21. Transcript available.

And my first guest tonight, I must admit, I've been a fan of this gentleman's
work for a long, long time.
He's responsible for motion pictures, real life, and modern romance.
A really funny gentleman.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's a pleasure to introduce now, Albert Brooks.
Albert, how are you, sir?
Hi, thank you.
Nice to see you.
I was getting dressed, I came in and I saw them leave.
I opened the door and they were all leaving, but I didn't mind.
That was all right, see?
With them is good and without them is all right, because I've been playing
people's houses for the last 10 years.
Really?
You know, I bought these shoes to walk around New York.
Now, if you buy shoes that are good for your feet, look how they make you look
style-wise, like Bozo's son.
Yeah, that's right.
I feel the same.
Take a walk.
I have to buy shoes that hurt, but I mean, my feet are fine, but I look like
there's guys in there doing other kind of work.
Yeah.
Actually, it looks like some of the old cars.
You know, did you ever see these 1968 Fords?
They look like they have an infection.
The fenders just don't go in.
They go out, they look sick on the side of their own.
Yeah.
So I'm taking care of these sick cars.
It doesn't pay anything, Dave, but it's good.
Now, do you live on the east side of the United States?
On the east side?
No, I live in New York.
I thought you were pointing towards L.A., but you said the east.
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
That is L.A., isn't it?
They spilled me around before I came out.
They said, De Niro did it, you try it.
I live in Los Angeles, yes.
So now, that surprises me that you're here in New York City.
Well, no, no, no, no.
I mean, there's only two talk shows on.
You know, soon, when I go to Showtime, then it's potluck where I am.
But for now, Dave, I'm happy to be here, you know?
I'm just one person.
I can come to you.
It's silly.
Although, I'd chip in if these four guys would come out to the coast.
No, no, I like New York, and it's a chance to, you know, the hotel, which they
don't pay
for the meals on the phone, which is all right.
Because I said, and you take care of everything?
No, so you eat on your own.
I said, okay, fine.
But I'm a comedian.
Then we charge you one 90% that you leave some of your food with autograph.
The hotel's very nice.
Yeah.
And I like being in New York.
I'm also here to secure financing for this third picture.
Oh, no, this is exciting.
You're actually working on a product.
It's not exciting at all.
It's not exciting, no.
It's getting into the crap pit.
It's horrible.
Really?
It's big business.
I don't belong there, but I have to be funny, and then I can get the money and
go back
and do it.
Yeah.
You know, it's like, now, I've made money in oil.
How do you know movies will do well for me?
Well, you like hookers?
Yes, I do.
Okay.
I'm doing the best I can, but also, I have some advice.
If there's any people in the hospital watching, and the doctor comes in
tomorrow and says,
you have a year to live, please don't say, I'll make a movie.
It takes a long time.
It's like a thick meal, but it's worth it.
Are you making some progress?
A little bit of progress.
I stole 140 grand last night, and this bank was open.
The guy was cleaning.
I said, is there anyone here?
He said, we're closed.
I said, I'll be a minute.
He didn't care.
Now, what are we talking about, roughly, for a budget to get you into
production?
You?
No, no, I didn't say me.
No, no, no.
I got a hook-a-dave.
It's back at the hotel.
I'm sorry.
But what kind of dough do you need to roll, as they say?
Oh, you know, about 800 grand to make the picture, and a million four for this
piece
of property I got, no, I don't know.
Whatever it costs, I'm not a teamster, and I, no Lord knows, I want to pay them
everything
they want.
You don't want to turn on your pipes and see your grandma's blood come through.
There's no reason for it.
Although, Columbia will listen to this and go, there's our fall hit, Grandma
Blood.
It was interesting.
They put out a picture called, Happy Birthday to Me, and the ad was a skewer
through a guy's
neck, and that scene wasn't in the film.
That's a strange kind of advertising.
What shall it be?
What about a skewer through the neck?
Great.
The director's going, but that's not part of the films.
Look, this is our business.
You make the films.
We'll do the movies.
You know.
Gandhi skewered through the neck like that.
Yeah, well, I know.
He laid on pins.
Now, can you give us some insight as to what the project's going to be, the
film?
It's, you know what everyone says, a young Tracy Hepburn.
I keep saying that because that's right.
It's a young Tracy, John Tracy Clinic kind of a thing.
I don't know.
It's a man and a woman, a very, it's a major piece of work.
It's why it takes four years.
I'll just tell you this.
I got Leroy Neiman for the lead.
He doesn't do a lot of films.
No, he acts and sketches at the same time.
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
There you are.
You know, I got on this plane yesterday and I'm single now and it's like Mr.
Single goes
to New York.
I have these shoes on.
I feel like Oliver Hardy.
I walk on, I have a window seat.
I come on, there's this girl I see in my hindsight who is like body heat two
they're making.
And she's saying to the stewardess, I can't, I have claustrophobia, I must sit
by the window.
I'm there.
I had a window seat.
The rest of the plane's full.
The seat next to the window is empty.
I'm looking at these two.
Fine.
I make this instance.
Stewardess.
Why, I have a window seat.
There's a man over there who has a window seat.
She can sit right here.
I will change places.
She says, thank you.
Touches me.
Kisses me.
I sat down in this chair.
I sit down next to her.
Like, I get this far.
I started to say, sir.
Yes.
No, you're trading with her.
That's not where she's sitting.
I look over the other side of the plane.
No wonder she was claustrophobic.
She's the seat right next to the screen in front of that carpeted wall.
I sat down like this.
It was like the Ernie Kovacs show.
I was on the ceiling.
Here's the floor.
Why is the carpet this far from my thing?
I looked up.
I said, what's the movie?
Six-pack.
Oh, great.
I've always wanted to look up through Kenny Rogers' clothes.
And, you know, when you're in the first row, David, and there's a movie on, you're
part
of the movie because the light hits this part of your head.
So, you can't.
Kenny, how are we going to win the race?
I've got to go to the bathroom.
Hi, Kenny.
How are you?
I'm sitting there.
Fortunately, they should make a plane version where they let the guy in the
first row go.
God, I don't know what to do.
Go ahead.
Thanks.
And, fortunately, it's just a short flight from L.A. to New York.
But, let me tell you something.
I used to put down Kenny.
Damn it, he's a good actor.
If you have the cassette and you have a thing, just sit this close from the TV.
After a while, you just start to...
It's like...
And watch your food cook, too.
We have to pause here for commercial.
We'll continue this excitement with Albert Brooks right after you take a look
at this, folks.
Thank you.
That's our lucky turkey raffle winner, George Simons.
Do you have a big Thanksgiving turkey, that kind of thing?
I'm in on this Pan Am turkey Broadway play junket.
So, wherever...
No, it's turkey Broadway play and junket.
It's dessert.
I read it wrong.
I said, this hotel isn't paid for.
And she said, it's just junket.
So, I'm eating junket at this place.
You asked about finding money.
You know what's becoming almost an integral part of most films is if the video...
I mean, George Lucas started it where he...
Remember, they used to brag about that 10 years ago.
He thought of the video game first.
Now, it's mandatory.
When you go in and present a story, it's like, what's the game in it?
So, I had an interesting writing assignment.
I had to come up with a game for ordinary people, which I think was quite good.
Get in the cab and try to get the wife out of town without driving over a
pedestrian.
Because it's good.
You know what's interesting?
Do you ever call...
When you call a bowling alley...
Now, wait a minute.
What?
You do?
You call them?
I go to bowling allies.
Oh, you do.
You bowl.
You're a bowler.
Yeah, I'm just a recent bowler.
I bought my own ball.
And I was fascinated by the bowling alley because in every bowling alley, there's
a room a little
larger than this desk called a pro shop.
And, you know, it's 12 balls and shoes.
That's really what bowling is.
Now, there's this guy in L.A. who works in one.
He's a nice guy.
You know, he's a pro shop.
He talks like that.
And if you listen to him on the phone, he keeps going, no problem.
No problem.
What could the problem be?
What are people saying to him?
We need these balls converted into plutonium immediately.
No problem.
A giant lander from outer space.
You have a 95 shoe.
No problem.
A bowler from outer space.
Well, they have them and I've seen them.
Where's Steven Spielberg when you need him?
No, I don't mean to interrupt here again, but you don't strike me as a bowler,
actually.
Strike me?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, excuse me.
For a minute, for a minute, I thought it was the Tom Snyder show.
No, no.
I don't know.
I did it this summer as therapy.
It's zen-like.
You know, you get to throw this hard thing as hard as you can at pins in the
bowling alley.
I go, you can dress up the pins like people you hate.
So, you know, I mean, there's people I know that I don't like and I put little
heads on
them and then I bowl and I do well.
And you have a coach that way, too.
Let me ask you another question.
Your brother is the first one.
Where?
There's a guy in La Habra.
Oh, no, I don't know that much about bowling.
No, no.
He bowled.
I don't know any other cities.
He bowled three perfect games.
Oh, I read that.
But he waxed the alley.
And they didn't do it because they waxed the alley.
And the guy in the pro shop said, Al, you want the scoop on the old phone?
Pro shop!
What time?
How big does the bowl have to be?
As big as a house, huh?
How many holes?
Well, anyway, but the thing about the bowling is that these guys who work there
are like
60 in the afternoon.
By the way, that's where the old people of America are.
Leave work one day and go bowling it, too.
They're bowling.
They're bowling and putting deposits in all at once.
You know, they put the bank window right at the end of the pathway.
I don't drill them.
I'm putting in $100.
Bowl and talk, I think, is what it's called.
And so these poor men have watched, these guys who work there, have watched the
evolution
of video games.
When they took the job, you know, they took a sanity test, no one said, and
will you hear
24 hours of solid electronic noises?
Yes, sir.
So before anyone can even say bowling alley, you hear, and it's Donkey Kong is
the one now
you can hear over the phones.
Deedle-dee-dee.
Hello.
Deedle-dee-dee.
Deedle-dee-dee.
Yeah, are there any lanes open?
Deedle-dee-dee.
Can I afford a flea for $16?
Oh, oh, oh, hold it.
Deedle-dee-dee.
Sir, the donkey's stuck and the thing won't come down.
Holy damn with the donkey.
But I think that's becoming, and Norma Rae was a great video game where you had
to go
to all these little union dots.
I was sitting on this plane thinking, there's lots of people in movies that you
don't understand,
but you take it for granted.
You know, these people that aren't speaking English anymore.
America is a wonderful place.
It's, it's, it's, it is a homogenized pot.
And, uh, and, you know, it's, it's wonderful to travel and not hear, and hear
only dialects.
I love dialects.
I, I was made for this time.
I like hearing only dialects.
You leave L.A., you come to New York.
No matter where it is, a Holiday Inn in St. Louis.
Holiday Inn, yes, sir.
No, I cannot do this.
You know, so one, remember the oil, remember the oil, remember when the airs
made a lot
of money?
Well, what they did was they bought all of the recreational areas.
So when you go miniature golfing, that's where they are.
It's fine, you know.
Miniature golfing.
No, sir, I cannot do that, for I'm sorry.
You park yourself, sir.
No, miniature parking I do not have.
And they're in the, they're in the movies, and they're, and, and, and also, uh,
there's,
there's, there's people.
Let me do this.
Okay.
We're, we're going to go away for station identification, and you will, we'll,
we'll pick up when we come
back, Albert.
You won't forget this.
No, no, you won't forget.
No problem.
No problem.
Welcome, welcome back.
Um, Albert Brooks is here, also Mary Lou Henner, and everyone who's ever been
associated with
Taxi will be joining us in a couple of minutes.
Uh, Richard Morris is here, and, um, also Monday, oh, no, what is today?
Wednesday, tomorrow.
Excuse me.
Thursday.
Uh, we'll have a singer slash songwriter, Carol King.
Slash, what happened?
Well, no, no, no, no.
Just, uh, no, it's Carol King and, uh, Richard Lewis will be here, and, and, uh,
Albert was
telling us about people in movies who you can't understand.
Well, there's just people, and you take it for granted.
The first time I, I said, did you see Rudolf Nureyev as Valentino?
He had these long speeches of non-English words, and the English actors would
nod, you know?
Oh, sure.
You say, I don't, I don't care who you are, I don't dance it.
You don't know anything about me.
I dance.
And he went on like this a great deal, you know.
Mr. Valentino, the show's at Ford.
I don't care about Ford.
I don't know.
I have nothing to eat.
What do you mean me?
Who are you talking about?
What is, I tell you something.
He'd always slow down and accentuate things that were just at, at, you know,
bizarre, uh,
accentuations he had.
And I tell you something, I don't know if you would tell me what to do.
Uh, Monica Vitti was an actress also.
There was this movie, Almost a Perfect Affair with Keith Carradine.
I remember the scene in a rowboat, and he, to prove he loved her, threw over a
finished film.
Huh.
You know, I've heard things to get, but that's too much.
That's four years, you know.
Uh, and she, you know, he said, there, does that prove, you put nothing to me.
I don't know, I don't care about it.
Nope.
I mean, you know, he just sat and nodded until she was through.
Sylvester Stallone is an interesting thing.
Uh, the, the scene in, uh, in Fist, where he gets all the union people to
reorganize.
I don't know.
He did something.
I couldn't quite figure out what he said.
All right, thank you.
The most interesting one, Arnold Schwarzenegger, he's, uh, speaks English very
well.
He has what some German accents have.
I call it the floating S.
It's where the S, the plurals, land arbitrarily.
And he was, he was Mickey Haggerty in the Jane Mansfield story.
Janes.
You have to stop acting like this.
You can't do this, Janes.
We have to go to Palm Spring now, Janes.
There was this mechanic I had.
I used to, I used to have a Porsche when I was, uh, used to, you know, when you
were going
through the phase where you bought 40-year-old cars and paid the most you could
for them.
The older man who sold it, he was grateful.
This is a classic, huh?
Oh, yeah, sure.
What about this gum?
Original from the war.
Okay.
So this, uh, this mechanic fixed, and he, he got nothing plural, what should
have been plural,
like how much it would cost.
So, you know, he'd go through.
I said, what did you do?
Uh, replace the transmissions.
Two of them.
One transmissions.
Uh-huh.
Steering wheels.
He needed adjustment on the steering wheels.
Both ones.
One on the back, the two steering wheels.
And then it was, how much did it cost?
$600.
That was singular.
Yeah.
And I, I would keep going, tss, tss, and he would look around.
Um, but I thought, now, Arnold Schwarzenegger, someone like that, soon, because,
you know,
HBO and places, maybe they'll give him his one-man show, and I want to see
someone do,
because he's a good actor.
He could do, like, young FDR, you know?
Elinus, I need you in upstairs here.
The Pearl Harbor's getting all crazy for the team.
Elinus.
As young FDR, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I'll lift up the Russians and throw them.
No, you can't.
Get me the hot phone.
I'll squeeze it till it cools down.
Just stop it.
Did, uh, um, did you see, was it Conan the Barbarian?
Did you, did you see that?
I didn't catch that.
No, I didn't see it.
I got a flight scheduled on the way back.
You know, what, what is the philosophy about showing bad movies on the plane?
Look where they've got you, in this metal tube.
If they make a mistake, that's where you're buried.
Why not have some thought-provoking movies?
You know, they have those in an emergency.
Because I don't want to see, I mean, Kenny Rogers is fine, but, ladies and
gentlemen, we have a minute to live.
How are we going to win the race?
God, I don't know.
Gee, I don't want to go into death.
I don't want to make the big transition with Kenny.
Yeah.
Not, no fair.
I like, I like, I like living, I like living with him.
I just want someone else to help me across.
Yeah.
That's all.
Um, so maybe they should carry, you know, paths of glory.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're now showing a better movie.
Thank you.
Uh, can I ask about your, you mentioned that you're single now.
I mean, is it something?
Well, yeah, I've been, I've been single.
I, you know, I have these, uh, I'm, I'm beaming in, uh, towards Mr. Spock.
No, I'm, I'm trying to get, I'm trying to learn from my mistakes.
And, uh, and not get into a paternity suit.
Oh, no.
These two guide me in my life.
I'm trying to, you know, I'm trying to just, uh, find the perfect, uh, the
perfect mouse
is what I'm looking for now.
Um, I'm having trouble with a woman.
Um, um, modern romance seemed to be, uh, uh, if that was in, in any way like
you are in
real, uh, in real life, the other movie.
That's everything.
No, it's an exaggeration for comedic purpose only.
And, uh, I, I, I mean, I've, yes, I, I've, uh, gone to, I like to go to
extremes just to
explore those areas.
When, though, those areas are garbage-y like, I'm sorry I went.
But, you know, someone has to do it.
So, I, yeah.
I don't know what you're talking about now.
Well, I mean, I mean, no one likes to make a fool of themselves and drive
around the block
68 times at four in the morning.
But you got to.
But I have nothing to do.
I'm an insomniac.
So, you know.
Yeah.
So, now that these 7-Elevens are open, I don't have to.
But, before then, you know, I had to wake up these women.
Uh-huh.
And, but I did tell them, open a 7-Eleven.
And most of them have, David.
So, you, you feel that you're really settling down, making some progress on
this.
No, I'm getting a faster car.
I'm going to cover more women at the same time.
I plan on, I was flying over with a jet plane with a loudspeaker.
You in Des Moines, I'm sorry.
He can apologize to 30 women at once.
It's like, it's like a modern fairy tale.
So, now, how long will you be on the East Coast here?
Oh, you're going to say, how long will you be single?
Well, if I promise this little, uh, I'll be on the East Coast.
I have a few more of these confab money meetings.
Oh, that's right.
Now, back to the movie.
How much more dough do we need before we can turn off the telethon here?
Well, to be, to be, it's not, it's not a telethon.
And to be quite frank, David, this morning, I had one of those things that
people pray for.
I was eating in the coffee shop at the hotel, and a man tapped me on the
shoulder and said,
I don't know you, or anything about you.
I can't tell you how or why, but I have a billion dollars, and you can have,
you can have three
to five, and I want like 30% of the gross.
And, you know, I'm an optimist.
I waited my whole life for something like this.
So, uh, I'll be here another week of begging.
Yeah.
Uh, by all means, enjoy the holiday.
I will.
Thank you very much for your time.
Thank you very much again.
Pleasure, pleasure meeting you.
Albert Brooks.
We'll be right back, folks, with our happy tour of New York City.

Albert Brooks On Sylvester Stallone & Arnold Schwarzenegger | Letterman

And my first guest tonight, I must admit, I've been a fan of this gentleman's
work for a long, long time.
He's responsible for motion pictures, real life, and modern romance.
A really funny gentleman.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's a pleasure to introduce now, Albert Brooks.
Albert, how are you, sir?
Hi, thank you.
Nice to see you.
I was getting dressed, I came in and I saw them leave.
I opened the door and they were all leaving, but I didn't mind.
That was all right, see?
With them is good and without them is all right, because I've been playing
people's houses for the last 10 years.
Really?
You know, I bought these shoes to walk around New York.
Now, if you buy shoes that are good for your feet, look how they make you look
style-wise, like Bozo's son.
Yeah, that's right.
I feel the same.
Take a walk.
I have to buy shoes that hurt, but I mean, my feet are fine, but I look like
there's guys in there doing other kind of work.
Yeah.
Actually, it looks like some of the old cars.
You know, did you ever see these 1968 Fords?
They look like they have an infection.
The fenders just don't go in.
They go out, they look sick on the side of their own.
Yeah.
So I'm taking care of these sick cars.
It doesn't pay anything, Dave, but it's good.
Now, do you live on the east side of the United States?
On the east side?
No, I live in New York.
I thought you were pointing towards L.A., but you said the east.
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
That is L.A., isn't it?
They spilled me around before I came out.
They said, De Niro did it, you try it.
I live in Los Angeles, yes.
So now, that surprises me that you're here in New York City.
Well, no, no, no, no.
I mean, there's only two talk shows on.
You know, soon, when I go to Showtime, then it's potluck where I am.
But for now, Dave, I'm happy to be here, you know?
I'm just one person.
I can come to you.
It's silly.
Although, I'd chip in if these four guys would come out to the coast.
No, no, I like New York, and it's a chance to, you know, the hotel, which they
don't pay
for the meals on the phone, which is all right.
Because I said, and you take care of everything?
No, so you eat on your own.
I said, okay, fine.
But I'm a comedian.
Then we charge you one 90% that you leave some of your food with autograph.
The hotel's very nice.
Yeah.
And I like being in New York.
I'm also here to secure financing for this third picture.
Oh, no, this is exciting.
You're actually working on a product.
It's not exciting at all.
It's not exciting, no.
It's getting into the crap pit.
It's horrible.
Really?
It's big business.
I don't belong there, but I have to be funny, and then I can get the money and
go back
and do it.
Yeah.
You know, it's like, now, I've made money in oil.
How do you know movies will do well for me?
Well, you like hookers?
Yes, I do.
Okay.
I'm doing the best I can, but also, I have some advice.
If there's any people in the hospital watching, and the doctor comes in
tomorrow and says,
you have a year to live, please don't say, I'll make a movie.
It takes a long time.
It's like a thick meal, but it's worth it.
Are you making some progress?
A little bit of progress.
I stole 140 grand last night, and this bank was open.
The guy was cleaning.
I said, is there anyone here?
He said, we're closed.
I said, I'll be a minute.
He didn't care.
Now, what are we talking about, roughly, for a budget to get you into
production?
You?
No, no, I didn't say me.
No, no, no.
I got a hook-a-dave.
It's back at the hotel.
I'm sorry.
But what kind of dough do you need to roll, as they say?
Oh, you know, about 800 grand to make the picture, and a million four for this
piece
of property I got, no, I don't know.
Whatever it costs, I'm not a teamster, and I, no Lord knows, I want to pay them
everything
they want.
You don't want to turn on your pipes and see your grandma's blood come through.
There's no reason for it.
Although, Columbia will listen to this and go, there's our fall hit, Grandma
Blood.
It was interesting.
They put out a picture called, Happy Birthday to Me, and the ad was a skewer
through a guy's
neck, and that scene wasn't in the film.
That's a strange kind of advertising.
What shall it be?
What about a skewer through the neck?
Great.
The director's going, but that's not part of the films.
Look, this is our business.
You make the films.
We'll do the movies.
You know.
Gandhi skewered through the neck like that.
Yeah, well, I know.
He laid on pins.
Now, can you give us some insight as to what the project's going to be, the
film?
It's, you know what everyone says, a young Tracy Hepburn.
I keep saying that because that's right.
It's a young Tracy, John Tracy Clinic kind of a thing.
I don't know.
It's a man and a woman, a very, it's a major piece of work.
It's why it takes four years.
I'll just tell you this.
I got Leroy Neiman for the lead.
He doesn't do a lot of films.
No, he acts and sketches at the same time.
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
There you are.
You know, I got on this plane yesterday and I'm single now and it's like Mr.
Single goes
to New York.
I have these shoes on.
I feel like Oliver Hardy.
I walk on, I have a window seat.
I come on, there's this girl I see in my hindsight who is like body heat two
they're making.
And she's saying to the stewardess, I can't, I have claustrophobia, I must sit
by the window.
I'm there.
I had a window seat.
The rest of the plane's full.
The seat next to the window is empty.
I'm looking at these two.
Fine.
I make this instance.
Stewardess.
Why, I have a window seat.
There's a man over there who has a window seat.
She can sit right here.
I will change places.
She says, thank you.
Touches me.
Kisses me.
I sat down in this chair.
I sit down next to her.
Like, I get this far.
I started to say, sir.
Yes.
No, you're trading with her.
That's not where she's sitting.
I look over the other side of the plane.
No wonder she was claustrophobic.
She's the seat right next to the screen in front of that carpeted wall.
I sat down like this.
It was like the Ernie Kovacs show.
I was on the ceiling.
Here's the floor.
Why is the carpet this far from my thing?
I looked up.
I said, what's the movie?
Six-pack.
Oh, great.
I've always wanted to look up through Kenny Rogers' clothes.
And, you know, when you're in the first row, David, and there's a movie on, you're
part
of the movie because the light hits this part of your head.
So, you can't.
Kenny, how are we going to win the race?
I've got to go to the bathroom.
Hi, Kenny.
How are you?
I'm sitting there.
Fortunately, they should make a plane version where they let the guy in the
first row go.
God, I don't know what to do.
Go ahead.
Thanks.
And, fortunately, it's just a short flight from L.A. to New York.
But, let me tell you something.
I used to put down Kenny.
Damn it, he's a good actor.
If you have the cassette and you have a thing, just sit this close from the TV.
After a while, you just start to...
It's like...
And watch your food cook, too.
We have to pause here for commercial.
We'll continue this excitement with Albert Brooks right after you take a look
at this, folks.
Thank you.
That's our lucky turkey raffle winner, George Simons.
Do you have a big Thanksgiving turkey, that kind of thing?
I'm in on this Pan Am turkey Broadway play junket.
So, wherever...
No, it's turkey Broadway play and junket.
It's dessert.
I read it wrong.
I said, this hotel isn't paid for.
And she said, it's just junket.
So, I'm eating junket at this place.
You asked about finding money.
You know what's becoming almost an integral part of most films is if the video...
I mean, George Lucas started it where he...
Remember, they used to brag about that 10 years ago.
He thought of the video game first.
Now, it's mandatory.
When you go in and present a story, it's like, what's the game in it?
So, I had an interesting writing assignment.
I had to come up with a game for ordinary people, which I think was quite good.
Get in the cab and try to get the wife out of town without driving over a
pedestrian.
Because it's good.
You know what's interesting?
Do you ever call...
When you call a bowling alley...
Now, wait a minute.
What?
You do?
You call them?
I go to bowling allies.
Oh, you do.
You bowl.
You're a bowler.
Yeah, I'm just a recent bowler.
I bought my own ball.
And I was fascinated by the bowling alley because in every bowling alley, there's
a room a little
larger than this desk called a pro shop.
And, you know, it's 12 balls and shoes.
That's really what bowling is.
Now, there's this guy in L.A. who works in one.
He's a nice guy.
You know, he's a pro shop.
He talks like that.
And if you listen to him on the phone, he keeps going, no problem.
No problem.
What could the problem be?
What are people saying to him?
We need these balls converted into plutonium immediately.
No problem.
A giant lander from outer space.
You have a 95 shoe.
No problem.
A bowler from outer space.
Well, they have them and I've seen them.
Where's Steven Spielberg when you need him?
No, I don't mean to interrupt here again, but you don't strike me as a bowler,
actually.
Strike me?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, excuse me.
For a minute, for a minute, I thought it was the Tom Snyder show.
No, no.
I don't know.
I did it this summer as therapy.
It's zen-like.
You know, you get to throw this hard thing as hard as you can at pins in the
bowling alley.
I go, you can dress up the pins like people you hate.
So, you know, I mean, there's people I know that I don't like and I put little
heads on
them and then I bowl and I do well.
And you have a coach that way, too.
Let me ask you another question.
Your brother is the first one.
Where?
There's a guy in La Habra.
Oh, no, I don't know that much about bowling.
No, no.
He bowled.
I don't know any other cities.
He bowled three perfect games.
Oh, I read that.
But he waxed the alley.
And they didn't do it because they waxed the alley.
And the guy in the pro shop said, Al, you want the scoop on the old phone?
Pro shop!
What time?
How big does the bowl have to be?
As big as a house, huh?
How many holes?
Well, anyway, but the thing about the bowling is that these guys who work there
are like
60 in the afternoon.
By the way, that's where the old people of America are.
Leave work one day and go bowling it, too.
They're bowling.
They're bowling and putting deposits in all at once.
You know, they put the bank window right at the end of the pathway.
I don't drill them.
I'm putting in $100.
Bowl and talk, I think, is what it's called.
And so these poor men have watched, these guys who work there, have watched the
evolution
of video games.
When they took the job, you know, they took a sanity test, no one said, and
will you hear
24 hours of solid electronic noises?
Yes, sir.
So before anyone can even say bowling alley, you hear, and it's Donkey Kong is
the one now
you can hear over the phones.
Deedle-dee-dee.
Hello.
Deedle-dee-dee.
Deedle-dee-dee.
Yeah, are there any lanes open?
Deedle-dee-dee.
Can I afford a flea for $16?
Oh, oh, oh, hold it.
Deedle-dee-dee.
Sir, the donkey's stuck and the thing won't come down.
Holy damn with the donkey.
But I think that's becoming, and Norma Rae was a great video game where you had
to go
to all these little union dots.
I was sitting on this plane thinking, there's lots of people in movies that you
don't understand,
but you take it for granted.
You know, these people that aren't speaking English anymore.
America is a wonderful place.
It's, it's, it's, it is a homogenized pot.
And, uh, and, you know, it's, it's wonderful to travel and not hear, and hear
only dialects.
I love dialects.
I, I was made for this time.
I like hearing only dialects.
You leave L.A., you come to New York.
No matter where it is, a Holiday Inn in St. Louis.
Holiday Inn, yes, sir.
No, I cannot do this.
You know, so one, remember the oil, remember the oil, remember when the airs
made a lot
of money?
Well, what they did was they bought all of the recreational areas.
So when you go miniature golfing, that's where they are.
It's fine, you know