Name: Brother Theodore Is Not In The Mood For Christmas | Letterman
Uploaded: 2023-12-25T16:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Brother Theodore Is Not In The Mood For Christmas | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Brother Theodore Is Not In The Mood For Christmas | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-25. Transcript available.

- My next guest is one of those people
who makes us realize
just how much we have to be thankful for
during the holiday season.
He is a noted philosopher,
metaphysician, and podiatrist.
Please welcome, Brother Theodore.
Hey, how are you?
Nice to see you.
Have a seat, sir.
Did you meet Audrey?
Audrey, this is Brother Theodore.
Audrey Daniels Letterman, my lovely wife.
- Congratulations to her.
- And here are my kids.
That, of course, is Hank, and that's Melissa,
and that's Terry, and Kyle.
- Delighted, I'm absolutely delighted.
- You know, when the kids found out
they were gonna be on the show,
I said, "Who would you like to have?"
And they all said together,
they just screamed out your name at once.
They said, "Oh, Brother Theodore."
- I'm very, very sorry to hear that
because I'm not in the proper Christmas mood,
nor am I in the proper Chanukah mood.
I came here, I came here with a raging toothache
that I had for a few days now.
I've just come from a dentist, who is a very good dentist,
but rather rough and rather eccentric.
In yesterday's session, I swallowed my tongue
and then my head broke off and rolled under the dentist's chair.
You see, when he is drilling, he never, never looks into your mouth.
He looks out of the window.
- Looking out the window, yeah.
- Yeah, he looks out of the window because he feels that if you have seen one
tooth,
you have seen them all.
And he drills from the teeth into my gums, into my jaw, into my collarbone,
down to my kneecap, and eventually smack down into the boiler room in the
basement.
- Uh-huh.
- Yes, I mean...
- So you probably don't care for any peanut brittle tonight then.
-
- Well, very, very funny.
You seem to be in the proper Christmas mood.
- Well, we're having a wonderful holiday season.
- Yes, I understand.
And I tell you quite frankly, and repeat what I said often before,
that I'm most humble about being invited here.
- Yeah.
- With you and your lovely wife and your lovely children
and the gorgeous television lights.
- And remember, David, remember, if it were not for Thomas Edison
and my electric personality, we would have, the world would have
to watch the David Letterman show by candlelight.
- That's right.
- Which would be a fate worse than death.
- Uh-huh.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Now, since I haven't seen you in a couple of months,
what's, do you have any interesting comments?
You heard anything?
Anything new in your life you want to report?
- Lately, lately, lately, I've been a very busy man.
- Yeah.
- I get up with the birds and lie down with the pigs.
- Uh-huh.
- And it's really, it's...
- And that's what takes you up to noon, I guess.
- It's really...
Why do they laugh?
I didn't think it was fun.
- I don't know.
I don't even know what it means.
- Yeah.
You see, it's your fault because you invented me.
- No, I didn't invent you.
You've been a...
- You invented me, yes.
No, David, you invented me.
Ever since, things have gone from pillar to post,
from Sodom to Gomorrah.
We all know that I'm an escapee
from the galloping senility ward.
- No, no.
- And yet, females all over town make passes at me.
- You're kind of a hot ticket, aren't you?
I'm kind of a hot ticket.
They make passes at me and they molest me
from one end to the other.
I don't know what's to become of me.
- Yeah.
- Your wife is highly entertained and amused by me.
You think I'm cute?
- No.
- Do you think I'm devastating?
- No.
- Do you think I'm irresistible?
- Mm-mm.
- Well, you're not my type either.
As a matter of fact,
you make Bella Aptook look like an airline hostess.
- Kids, why don't you go join your brother
looking for the tree?
- Listen, I just insulted your lovely wife.
- I know, and I'm Steve.
- What are you going to do about it?
- Well, later I'm going to turn your lights off,
but right now...
- No, really, I mean...
I insulted your wife and you sit here
and you don't do anything about it.
If you're a man, why don't you knock out my teeth?
Or if you're just half of a man,
why don't you knock out half of my teeth?
- What about the first of the year I send the guy by?
- It wouldn't be so easy, ladies and gentlemen,
as you think.
- You're in pretty good shape, huh?
- I'm in pretty good shape,
except my teeth, so I won't bite you.
- Uh-huh.
So then I sense that this is not a really good
holiday season for you.
- For me, there is never a good holiday season.
You know that, David.
- Yeah.
- You just want to put me on the spot.
You want to enrage me again, as you always do.
Ladies and gentlemen,
each time I come here with the nicest and best intentions,
I'm a very warm human being.
I'm very sensitive.
I'm a pig with butterfly wings.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- You know?
But you...
Each time I come here,
you know in some hidden way
how to drive me out of my mind!
- Which is a pretty short trip.
- Pretty short trip, yes.
Very good.
I'm squirming with delight
to meet an intellectual colossus.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
Okay, now, Theodore,
you're still appearing at the 13th Street Theatre.
Is that correct?
- D'Antooten.
- And, uh...
That's Saturdays, one show a week?
- It's Saturdays, one show a week,
and, uh...
If you want me to be vulgar enough
to make my own commercial,
as you don't do it for me...
- All right, let me read this stuff.
It starts Saturday at 9:30.
Limited engagement.
Tickets are...
Can I mention the ticket price?
- Yeah.
- $62.50.
- No!
Less than $62.50.
- The tickets are $8,
and there's a number here for reservations.
- All right.
- Nice to see you again.
- Thank you very, very much.
You fill my house.
And I love you dearly.
And I wrote you a Christmas card.
Please try to find it.
- Good luck with your teeth.
- Good night.
- All right.
We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen.
Ready, boys?
This cartoon program
when the snorts are swimming faster
and they make you laugh
and keep from turning blue.
Roxy Banana has some super-duper powers
and she'll surely save that Saturday for you.
Tune in together,
smurfs and snorts and boys and girls.
Tune in together
for a trip around the world.
The world on NBC.
Let's all be there.
NBC.
Let's all be there.
People come together
in the moment that they share.
On Saturday.
Let's all be there.
We'll watch you with kids' video
and Master Blaster
and the copycats sing out your favorite song.
Big Panther has two sons
to keep his living legend.
You'll see how they'll keep those ratings strong.
Tune in together,
Spiderman and boys and girls.
Tune in together.
Alvin takes you out of this world.
The world on NBC.
Let's all be there.
NBC.
Let's all be there.
The world on NBC.
Let's all be there.
NBC.
Let's all be there.
NBC.
Let's all be there.
People come together
in the moment that they share.
On Saturday.
Let's all be there.
On Saturday.
Let's all be there.
On Saturday.
Let's all be there.
Chip video.
Let's all be there.
Mr. D.
Let's all be there.
Fireman.
Let's all be there.
Let's all be there.
Big Panther.
Let's all be there.
Big Panther.
Let's all be there.
Big Panther.
Let's all be there.
Hey, Chipmunk.
Let's all be there.
Squirts and sports.
Let's all be there.
Be there.
Be there.
Be there.
NBC.
Let's all be there.
Saturday.
Let's all be there.
Saturday.
Saturday.
Let's all be there.
People come together
in the moment that they share.
Share on NBC.
Let's all be there.
Be there.
Be there.
Be there.
Be there.
Be there.
Be there.
Be there.
Be there.