Name: Dave On Jay Leno Vs. Conan O'Brien | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-01-17T23:22:31.000Z
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Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave On Jay Leno Vs. Conan O'Brien | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-17. Transcript available.

By the way, did you hear this?
That Conan O'Brien is taking over The Tonight Show.
Did you hear that?
When does that happen?
It happens in 2009.
In five years from now.
Five years from now, yeah.
Jay Leno has decided he's stepping down in five years.
Jay Leno's stepping down?
Yeah, it's apparently getting to him.
So in five years, he's stepping down in five years.
But he does nothing but work, Jay Leno.
I don't know.
I don't know anything about this.
And so they announce that NBC releases a Conan O'Brien.
He'll be doing The Tonight Show.
Good for him.
That's fantastic.
I wonder if I can get a tape over there.
Maybe a little late.
Yeah, a little late.
But anyway, all our best to Conan when he takes the job in 2009.
Five years from now, yeah.
I think Halle's Comet comes back in 2008.
No, but it's great.
That's so funny about Jay Leno.
I don't understand anything.
Stepping down.
I don't get any of it.
I guess he'll do a place to spend more time in Vegas.
I guess.
I don't know.
I guess.
I don't know.
I think he said he couldn't take it another minute, so he's leaving in 2009.
Five years.
Yeah.
A lot of stuff like that work.
I don't know.
It's wonderful, though.
Conan O'Brien.
It's great.
Yeah, he's a nice guy.
Yeah.
You know, you and I used to have that show.
We had the old Conan O'Brien show.
We had the old Conan O'Brien show.
We used to follow Johnny Carson.
Maybe we can get that again.
Because there'd be an opening there.
Yeah, we'd have some fun.
Yeah.
We're having fun now.
I don't know.
We are.
I know.
I know.
And so here's what happened.
Jay Leno, of course, had been the host of The Tonight Show for like 17 years.
And he said, yeah, I think I'd like to do something else.
I don't know.
And then he says, you know what, I'm having trouble staying up this late.
Is that how it happened?
That's exactly what it happened.
I see.
He said, it's ruining my home life.
I'm, so I can't.
Right.
He said, is there any chance you could put me on a little earlier?
So they put him on at 10 p.m. with a fantastic variety show.
It was a wonderful program.
And now they take our old friend, Conan O'Brien, who took over our show and did
our show.
They gave him the old Tonight Show.
So now everybody's got a show.
And then they bring in a likable young newcomer, Jimmy Fallon.
Yeah.
He's on the program.
And then now also out there in the ionosphere is Carson Daly, who I've never
seen in my life.
You mean you've never seen him personally, the guy or the show?
I have no idea who that is.
Either.
Either way.
Never seen him in my life.
And he's got a show.
He's like the Pluto of talk shows.
It's like, is it really?
He's been declared.
Is it a planet?
Is it not a planet?
Is it a show?
He has been redeclared a show, yeah.
We don't understand.
All right.
And so now all of a sudden, the NBC says, you know what?
This is not what we want.
We're going to take Jay out of the 10 p.m. show and put him on at 11.30 back on
his old
show.
And he'll go on for like a half an hour.
A half an hour show.
Yeah.
And then Conan...
That's what they used to do on the old Dumont network.
Isn't it really?
They're just like a 20-minute show.
That's right.
That's the kind of thing that...
How much do you have?
Well, I got about 18 minutes.
Fine.
You got a show.
We're going to do an 18-minute show.
Conan wants to be on the Tonight Show.
And all Jay wants to do...
We know two things about Jay.
He likes to tell jokes at 11.30.
Tell jokes at 11.30.
Yeah.
And he works on...
He has an old truck.
He's got an old truck.
He loves getting in there to tinker.
Hey, Mavis, bring me some motor oil.
Mavis, bring me some motor oil.
Bring me some Quaker State, Mavis.
Mavis, bring me some Quaker State.
Mavis, you got any pins in there?
So here's what you do.
You have Conan.
They come out together.
They're co-hosting for the Tonight Show.
They're co-hosting...
That's what...
I agree.
Yes.
Conan comes out and he says,
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Tonight Show.
And now here's Jay to tell his little jokes.
And then Jay...
How does that?
Jay comes out and tells his little jokes.
And then the show begins.
And then Jay will do a segment.
And then Conan will do a segment.
And Jay will do a segment.
And Conan...
Now that's how you fix the Tonight Show.
Yeah.
I don't know what to tell you to do about Carson Daly.
I got no solutions there.
I'm sorry.
In the television industry,
there are two types of talk show hosts.
Jay Leno and those who have been victimized by Jay Leno.
These are their stories.
January 2010, Conan O'Brien hosts his final Tonight Show.
January 2010, Conan O'Brien hosts his final Tonight Show.
January 2010, Conan O'Brien hosts his final Tonight Show.
March 2010, Jay Leno resumes hosting the Tonight Show.
July 2042.
NBC converts Jay Leno into a cyborg so he can host the Tonight Show through the
23rd century.
Folks, it's Monday night.
Time for headlines.
Thanks for watching.
Your local news starts now.
I don't know if you're aware exactly of what's going on at NBC, but we talked
about it a little bit.
And it's Jay, it's Conan, and it's me.
And every now and then, Jimmy Kimmel comes in and causes some trouble, which is
great.
Yeah.
Just fantastic.
So, and nobody knows what to do.
Conan would like to stay.
They said, no, you should go.
And he said, no, I want to stay.
And so now they've got to throw him out.
But to throw him out, he gets $30 million.
And Jay, of course, all Jay keeps saying is, you know, I think there's room for
everybody.
I think there's room for everybody.
And so, and so now all of a sudden comes this outpouring of anger directed at
Jay, who is America's best friend.
He's the guy next door when you need to borrow a wrench to fix your lawnmower,
or when you need your lawnmower fixed.
Jay will come over, and he's got his blue jeans on, and he's got his blue jean
shirt.
Yeah.
And he, and he, you know, got, got that thing, and he, okay, let's, rolls up
his sleeve, and he goes to work.
So now, all of a sudden, this outpouring of people are upset, and leave Conan
alone, and you had your variety show at 10.
Leave Conan, give Conan his show at 1130, and don't be such a bully.
Go somewhere else, get your own show, get your own show.
And, and now, people are jumping on Jay.
It's unprecedented.
I've never seen anything, and I keep saying to people, well, what, what has he
done wrong?
He's just kind of doing what the network tells him to do, you know?
They say, Jay, go to 10.
Yeah, okay, not a bad idea.
Right.
So they, they say, they say, Jay, all right, Jay, the 10 o'clock didn't work.
Come back to 1130.
Okay, sure, if that's what you want.
Right.
So, and now, and, and now Conan will be free to go, plus he's got $30 million,
so it's hard to feel bad for anybody, you know, because everybody makes out in
this deal.
And then I pick up the New York Times on, when is this?
This was, I guess, Friday morning, the 15th, Friday, January the 15th, 2010.
Everybody is getting into the story.
Here's the headline.
Can you see it right there?
Executive leaps to Leno's defense.
So I thought, well, really, now they've got NBC executives defending Jay, who,
heretofore, why has he needed defending?
He hasn't, what has he done, you know?
Hasn't really.
He's done nothing.
So listen to this.
So it's a guy who runs NBC Sports named Dick Ebersole.
Now, I've known Dick Ebersole.
You've known Dick Ebersole.
For years, yeah.
When we worked at NBC, I've known Dick Ebersole since the late 70s.
Yeah.
And he was a guy, and he was always a guy, and he still is a guy.
And he came in to NBC, and he's the one that said, get the Olympics, get the
Olympics, get the Olympics.
And it's been a tremendous success.
And now they've got the Winter Olympics coming up pretty soon, in a couple of
weeks.
So now, all of a sudden, Dick Ebersole feels he's got to get in there and help
Big Jaw.
He should be up there picking out sweaters for Bob Costas.
He doesn't have time for this.
So.
Now, Bob, turn around.
Let me see the one with the reindeer.
All right, turn around.
All right, now try the plaid one, Bob.
All right, let's see what that looks like on camera.
What about a scarf to go with that, Bob?
Kind of a thing like that when you're out there with the bobsled boys, a thing
like that?
Why don't you look into that?
Get yourself a scarf.
Gloves.
Get him some gloves.
So now here's what Ebersole says.
Out of the blue, and I'm thinking, oh, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.
The verbal barbs in this late-night war got louder Thursday as a top NBC
executive struck back against on-air attacks on the network's once-and-future
Tonight Show host, Jay Leno.
Now, this is what he said.
Out of nowhere, he didn't need to talk about this.
He really doesn't.
You know, leave us alone.
We're having fun.
Referring to the pointed jokes made this week by Mr. O'Brien and David Letterman
of CBS,
Mr. Ebersole said it was chicken-hearted and gutless to blame guys you couldn't
beat in the ratings.
Chicken-hearted and gutless.
That's what he said.
He's calling me and Conan O'Brien chicken-hearted and gutless.
I can't speak for Conan O'Brien.
Ah.
For the sake of the discussion, yes, I'm chicken-hearted, and yes, I'm gutless.
But these two characteristics have nothing to do with the current situation.
I'm telling jokes and making fun of Jay Leno over and over and over, relentlessly,
mercilessly,
simply for one reason, and that is I'm really enjoying it.
I don't know.
It's just fun.
Conan has been offered $30 million to walk away from his NBC contract.
Team Conan.
Team Conan.
I do.
I'm Team Conan.
Conan.
I do like Jay Leno as well, but Conan's just hilarious.
We're Team Letterman, though.
I'm so mean, we are.
Actually, yeah, well, I won't say anything.
That was great.
That's a CBS affiliate.
K-O-I-N-T-V, Portland, Oregon.
That is great.
Yeah, that's traffic reporter Carla Kennelly.
Well, she's Team Coco for her.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
Actually, yeah, well, I won't say anything.
Okay.
She won't.
No, she can't.
Can you feel the love, ladies and gentlemen?
Yeah.
You got it, baby.
I mean, is it any wonder I pound out of bed every morning with a smile on my
face?
Ah, those are our children.
Your children.
That's right.
K-O-I-N, Portland, Oregon.
God bless you, Carly.
Thank you very much.
So last night, Jay gave his State of the Network speech.
He did.
State of the Network.
State of the Network.
And I saw...
State of the Network speech.
And he said that we should not blame Conan for what's going on.
Don't blame Conan.
Don't blame Conan for what's going on.
And I said to myself, no one is blaming Conan.
I was going to say it, no one is.
And he further elucidated that who we should actually blame are Conan's agents
and managers.
We should blame them because this is what they do.
And then Jay pointed out that he himself has no agent or manager.
So I'm begging you, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of everyone involved,
please don't blame Conan.
Don't blame Conan.
Please.
Okay?
I know a lot of you people think that Conan pushed himself out of a job.
Well, don't blame him.
He's not that kind of guy.
He would never do that to himself.
You're saying this is vintage Jay.
Please, don't blame Conan.
Don't blame him.
Okay, that's all I got tonight.
All right, that's...
Vigis, apparently he's a vintage Jay.
Jay also let us know last night that Conan is a family guy.
Apparently, yeah.
He said he was a good family, a good family man.
Good family guy.
Good family man.
That's right.
I hope you're not planning on blaming Conan, are you?
Well, I was going to blame Conan.
I mean, in the thousands and thousands of words that have been printed about
this mess,
who has blamed Conan?
No one.
I don't think so.
No one has blamed Conan.
Yeah, yeah, whatever you do, don't blame Conan.
It's just business, okay?
No, no, please don't.
Conan's like a family guy.
He's a decent family guy.
Don't.
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, oh.
When NBC said,
they sent a couple of guys,
they sent a couple of guys to my office.
One was the red-haired guy with the beard,
and the other was their attorney,
John Agolia,
Warren Littlefield.
Oh, I remember this, yes.
Huh?
They, they sent these guys
to my office to tell me
I wasn't going to get the Tonight Show.
And so, I thought it over and said,
okay, fine, well enough, let's settle up.
Paul and I, Paul got fired.
Well, I, yeah.
Stealing, stealing office supplies.
White out and things like staplers.
So I said, well, it couldn't be more clear
that there's no room for me here at NBC.
So, uh, the folks at CBS,
the good dear folks at CBS said,
Dave, come on over.
Come on over.
Come on over.
Do your little show here.
Yeah.
Uh, so when, when,
five years ago,
when NBC said to Jay,
you know what,
Conan's going to take over your job
in five years,
that's when you say,
okay, fine,
no hard feelings.
You call ABC,
you call Fox,
you try to get my job,
you leave.
You don't, you don't,
yeah, I'll, yeah, okay,
but if, I'll be in the lobby,
you know, if you need it.
Don't hang around.
Wow.
You, you,
you go across the street
and you punish NBC
and you make them
eat your words.
Right, right.
And, and then,
and then.
Then Conan has a job.
Jay has a job.
I have a job.
That, what's his name?
Lonnie Donegan?
What's his name?
Yeah.
The guy.
Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon has a job.
Oh, no, I think.
Lonnie,
Lonnie Donegan,
and, and he,
and he has a job, too.
Yeah.
And, and Jimmy Kimmel
has a job.
Kimmel, yeah.
See, that's the way
these things are supposed
to work.
It's, it's just part
of evolution.
Okay.
Darwin,
it's an early
Darwinian precept.
Darwin.
You get fired,
get another gig.
Don't hang around
waiting for somebody
to, to, to drop dead.
Well, I feel I've gone
too far yet again tonight.
People now are,
this is how people are.
They're upset with me.
Well, they're always
upset with me.
Upset with you.
Yeah, upset with me
because they say
there's an, an inequity
in my attack
on Jay Leno
versus Conan O'Brien.
They say that I've been
telling way too many jokes
about Jay
and, and not enough jokes
about Conan.
In the interest of fair play,
and, and Lord knows,
if I don't stand for fair play,
what do I stand for?
What?
Huh?
If I don't stand for fair play,
then.
Then what do you stand for?
Exactly.
What do you stand for?
If you don't stand for something,
you'll fall for anything.
That's right.
Hey, I heard that.
Yeah.
So, uh, in the interest
of equality here,
we're now going to,
we had one of our writers,
Joe Grossman,
we said,
Joe.
Yeah.
Listen, you gotta
help us out here.
Help us out.
We need some jokes
about Conan.
Uh, we've had plenty
of jokes about Jay.
Oh.
Big jaw Leno.
Whoop.
But now,
we need some jokes
about, uh,
Conan
big hair O'Brien.
Yeah, he does have
a pompadour, yeah.
So, he said,
I'm your guy,
I can write jokes.
Here he is,
ladies and gentlemen,
Joe Grossman.
Hi.
How you doing?
How's it going?
Everything good?
Yeah.
Feeling good?
Yeah.
You working hard?
Yeah.
You playing hard?
Yes.
That's all I need
to hear, my friend.
Uh, you got anything
planned for the weekend?
I'm seeing a play
in a basement.
Oh.
Now,
Joe, you understand
what we're talking about.
People are saying
too many jokes about Jay.
We need some jokes
about Conan.
You're the guy.
Uh, you spent some time.
You put together
a list there of, uh,
jokes about Conan O'Brien.
Take it away, my friend.
Knock him dead.
Blow the roof
off the dump.
Here we go.
Conan O'Brien's chin
is so big
it was just hired
as the new spokesman
for Jenny Craig.
Conan O'Brien
owns so many cars.
Every Valentine's Day,
he sends a floral arrangement
to his mechanic.
Conan O'Brien's voice
is so high-pitched,
doctors use it
to dissolve kidney stones.
Now, Joe.
Joe.
Joe.
Joe.
Um,
though,
I know what that is.
Those are just
jokes about Jay
that you put
Conan's name in.
Now,
if you don't have a joke
about Conan O'Brien,
I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
Now, do you have a joke
about Conan or not?
Hold on.
All right.
Hold on.
Hold on.
That's it.
Okay, got one.
Okay, all right.
Okay, Joe Grossman.
Conan O'Brien is so old,
every night when he finishes
taping CBS's Late Show,
his staff wraps him
in mummy bandages
and puts him
in a sarcophagus.
Get out.
Just get out.
No.

Dave On Jay Leno Vs. Conan O'Brien | Letterman

By the way, did you hear this?
That Conan O'Brien is taking over The Tonight Show.
Did you hear that?
When does that happen?
It happens in 2009.
In five years from now.
Five years from now, yeah.
Jay Leno has decided he's stepping down in five years.
Jay Leno's stepping down?
Yeah, it's apparently getting to him.
So in five years, he's stepping down in five years.
But he does nothing but work, Jay Leno.
I don't know.
I don't know anything about this.
And so they announce that NBC releases a Conan O'Brien.
He'll be doing The Tonight Show.
Good for him.
That's fantastic.
I wonder if I can get a tape over there.
Maybe a little late.
Yeah, a little late.
But anyway, all our best to Conan when he takes the job in 2009.
Five years from now, yeah.
I think Halle's Comet comes back in 2008.
No, but it's great.
That's so funny about Jay Leno.
I don't understand anything.
Stepping down.
I don't get any of it.
I guess he'll do a place to spend more time in Vegas.
I guess.
I don't know.
I guess.
I don't know.
I think he said he couldn't take it another minute, so he's leaving in 2009.
Five years.
Yeah.
A lot of stuff like that work.
I don't know.
It's wonderful, though.
Conan O'Brien.
It's great.
Yeah, he's a nice guy.
Yeah.
You know, you and I used to have that show.
We had the old Conan O'Brien show.
We had the old Conan O'Brien show.
We used to follow Johnny Carson.
Maybe we can get that again.
Because there'd be an opening there.
Yeah, we'd have some fun.
Yeah.
We're having fun now.
I don't know.
We are.
I know.
I know.
And so here's what happened.
Jay Leno, of course, had been the host of The Tonight Show for like 17 years.
And he said, yeah, I think I'd like to do something else.
I don't know.
And then he says, you know what, I'm having trouble staying up this late.
Is that how it happened?
That's exactly what it happened.
I see.
He said, it's ruining my home life.
I'm, so I can't.
Right.
He said, is there any chance you could put me on a little earlier?
So they put him on at 10 p.m. with a fantastic variety show.
It was a wonderful program.
And now they take our old friend, Conan O'Brien, who took over our show and did
our show.
They gave him the old Tonight Show.
So now everybody's got a show.
And then they bring in a likable young newcomer, Jimmy Fallon.
Yeah.
He's on the program.
And then now also out there in the ionosphere is Carson Daly, who I've never
seen in my life.
You mean you've never seen him personally, the guy or the show?
I have no idea who that is.
Either.
Either way.
Never seen him in my life.
And he's got a show.
He's like the Pluto of talk shows.
It's like, is it really?
He's been declared.
Is it a planet?
Is it not a planet?
Is it a show?
He has been redeclared a show, yeah.
We don't understand.
All right.
And so now all of a sudden, the NBC says, you know what?
This is not what we want.
We're going to take Jay out of the 10 p.m. show and put him on at 11.30 back on
his old
show.
And he'll go on for like a half an hour.
A half an hour show.
Yeah.
And then Conan...
That's what they used to do on the old Dumont network.
Isn't it really?
They're just like a 20-minute show.
That's right.
That's the kind of thing that...
How much do you have?
Well, I got about 18 minutes.
Fine.
You got a show.
We're going to do an 18-minute show.
Conan wants to be on the Tonight Show.
And all Jay wants to do...
We know two things about Jay.
He likes to tell jokes at 11.30.
Tell jokes at 11.30.
Yeah.
And he works on...
He has an old truck.
He's got an old truck.
He loves getting in there to tinker.
Hey, Mavis, bring me some motor oil.
Mavis, bring me some motor oil.
Bring me some Quaker State, Mavis.
Mavis, bring me some Quaker State.
Mavis, you got any pins in there?
So here's what you do.
You have Conan.
They come out together.
They're co-hosting for the Tonight Show.
They're co-hosting...
That's what...
I agree.
Yes.
Conan comes out and he says,
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Tonight Show.
And now here's Jay to tell his little jokes.
And then Jay...
How does that?
Jay comes out and tells his little jokes.
And then the show begins.
And then Jay will do a segment.
And then Conan will do a segment.
And Jay will do a segment.
And Conan...
Now that's how you fix the Tonight Show.
Yeah.
I don't know what to tell you to do about Carson Daly.
I got no solutions there.
I'm sorry.
In the television industry,
there are two types of talk show hosts.
Jay Leno and those who have been victimized by Jay Leno.
These are their stories.
January 2010, Conan O'Brien hosts his final Tonight Show.
January 2010, Conan O'Brien hosts his final Tonight Show.
January 2010, Conan O'Brien hosts his final Tonight Show.
March 2010, Jay Leno resumes hosting the Tonight Show.
July 2042.
NBC converts Jay Leno into a cyborg so he can host the Tonight Show through the
23rd century.
Folks, it's Monday night.
Time for headlines.
Thanks for watching.
Your local news starts now.
I don't know if you're aware exactly of what's going on at NBC, but we talked
about it a little bit.
And it's Jay, it's Conan, and it's me.
And every now and then, Jimmy Kimmel comes in and causes some trouble, which is
great.
Yeah.
Just fantastic.
So, and nobody knows what to do.
Conan would like to stay.
They said, no, you should go.
And he said, no, I want to stay.
And so now they've got to throw him out.
But to throw him out, he gets $30 million.
And Jay, of course, all Jay keeps saying is, you know, I think there's room for
everybody.
I think there's room for everybody.
And so, and so now all of a sudden comes this outpouring of anger directed at
Jay, who is America's best friend.
He's the guy next door when you need to borrow a wrench to fix your lawnmower,
or when you need your lawnmower fixed.
Jay will come over, and he's got his blue jeans on, and he's got his blue jean
shirt.
Yeah.
And he, and he, you know, got, got that thing, and he, okay, let's, rolls up
his sleeve, and he goes to work.
So now, all of a sudden, this outpouring of people are upset, and leave Conan
alone, and you had your variety show at 10.
Leave Conan, give Conan his show at 1130, and don't be such a bully.
Go somewhere else, get your own show, get your own show.
And, and now, people are jumping on Jay.
It's unprecedented.
I've never seen anything, and I keep saying to people, well, what, what has he
done wrong?
He's just kind of doing what the network tells him to do, you know?
They say, Jay, go to 10.
Yeah, okay, not a bad idea.
Right.
So they, they say, they say, Jay, all right, Jay, the 10 o'clock didn't work.
Come back to 1130.
Okay, sure, if that's what you want.
Right.
So, and now, and, and now Conan will be free to go, plus he's got $30 million,
so it's hard to feel bad for anybody, you know, because everybody makes out in
this deal.
And then I pick up the New York Times on, when is this?
This was, I guess, Friday morning, the 15th, Friday, January the 15th, 2010.
Everybody is getting into the story.
Here's the headline.
Can you see it right there?
Executive leaps to Leno's defense.
So I thought, well, really, now they've got NBC executives defending Jay, who,
heretofore, why has he needed defending?
He hasn't, what has he done, you know?
Hasn't really.
He's done nothing.
So listen to this.
So it's a guy who runs NBC Sports named Dick Ebersole.
Now, I've known Dick Ebersole.
You've known Dick Ebersole.
For years, yeah.
When we worked at NBC, I've known Dick Ebersole since the late 70s.
Yeah.
And he was a guy, and he was always a guy, and he still is a guy.
And he came in to NBC, and he's the one that said, get the Olympics, get the
Olympics, get the Olympics.
And it's been a tremendous success.
And now they've got the Winter Olympics coming up pretty soon, in a couple of
weeks.
So now, all of a sudden, Dick Ebersole feels he's got to get in there and help
Big Jaw.
He should be up there picking out sweaters for Bob Costas.
He doesn't have time for this.
So.
Now, Bob, turn around.
Let me see the one with the reindeer.
All right, turn around.
All right, now try the plaid one, Bob.
All right, let's see what that looks like on camera.
What about a scarf to go with that, Bob?
Kind of a thing like that when you're out there with the bobsled boys, a thing
like that?
Why don't you look into that?
Get yourself a scarf.
Gloves.
Get him some gloves.
So now here's what Ebersole says.
Out of the blue, and I'm thinking, oh, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.
The verbal barbs in this late-night war got louder Thursday as a top NBC
executive struck back against on-air attacks on the network's once-and-future
Tonight Show host, Jay Leno.
Now, this is what he said.
Out of nowhere, he didn't need to talk about this.
He really doesn't.
You know, leave us alone.
We're having fun.
Referring to the pointed jokes made this week by Mr. O'Brien and David Letterman
of CBS,
Mr. Ebersole said it was chicken-hearted and gutless to blame guys you couldn't
beat in the ratings.
Chicken-hearted and gutless.
That's what he said.
He's calling me and Conan O'Brien chicken-hearted and gutless.
I can't speak for Conan O'Brien.
Ah.
For the sake of the discussion, yes, I'm chicken-hearted, and yes, I'm gutless.
But these two characteristics have nothing to do with the current situation.
I'm telling jokes and making fun of Jay Leno over and over and over, relentlessly,
mercilessly,
simply for one reason, and that is I'm really enjoying it.
I don't know.
It's just fun.
Conan has been offered $30 million to walk away from his NBC contract.
Team Conan.
Team Conan.
I do.
I'm Team Conan.
Conan.
I do like Jay Leno as well, but Conan's just hilarious.
We're Team Letterman, though.
I'm so mean, we are.
Actually, yeah, well, I won't say anything.
That was great.
That's a CBS affiliate.
K-O-I-N-T-V, Portland, Oregon.
That is great.
Yeah, that's traffic reporter Carla Kennelly.
Well, she's Team Coco for her.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
Actually, yeah, well, I won't say anything.
Okay.
She won't.
No, she can't.
Can you feel the love, ladies and gentlemen?
Yeah.
You got it, baby.
I mean, is it any wonder I pound out of bed every morning with a smile on my
face?
Ah, those are our children.
Your children.
That's right.
K-O-I-N, Portland, Oregon.
God bless you, Carly.
Thank you very much.
So last night, Jay gave his State of the Network speech.
He did.
State of the Network.
State of the Network.
And I saw...
State of the Network speech.
And he said that we should not blame Conan for what's going on.
Don't blame Conan.
Don't blame Conan for what's going on.
And I said to myself, no one is blaming Conan.
I was going to say it, no one is.
And he further elucidated that who we should actually blame are Conan's agents
and managers.
We should blame them because this is what they do.
And then Jay pointed out that he himself has no agent or manager.
So I'm begging you, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of everyone involved,
please don't blame Conan.
Don't blame Conan.
Please.
Okay?
I know a lot of you people think that Conan pushed himself out of a job.
Well, don't blame him.
He's not that kind of guy.
He would never do that to himself.
You're saying this is vintage Jay.
Please, don't blame Conan.
Don't blame him.
Okay, that's all I got tonight.
All right, that's...
Vigis, apparently he's a vintage Jay.
Jay also let us know last night that Conan is a family guy.
Apparently, yeah.
He said he was a good family, a good family man.
Good family guy.
Good family man.
That's right.
I hope you're not planning on blaming Conan, are you?
Well, I was going to blame Conan.
I mean, in the thousands and thousands of words that have been printed about
this mess,
who has blamed Conan?
No one.
I don't think so.
No one has blamed Conan.
Yeah, yeah, whatever you do, don't blame Conan.
It's just business, okay?
No, no, please don't.
Conan's like a family guy.
He's a decent family guy.
Don't.
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, oh.
When NBC said,
they sent a couple of guys,
they sent a couple of guys to my office.
One was the red-haired guy