Name: Viewer Mail: Don't Stare Directly At This Video! | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-01-25T16:00:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Don't Stare Directly At This Video! | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Don't Stare Directly At This Video! | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-25. Transcript available.

Thursday is the night that Congress has designated for us to answer our viewer
mail.
Let's get right to it, shall we?
This is our way of saying thanks to the folks who write every week.
Dear Dave, on October 11th, I watched your show and did not laugh for the first
eight minutes.
Nothing seemed funny.
Chris Monahan, October 11th.
Let me see, let me check the TV guide.
Oh, here it is, October 11th.
No, we weren't on that night.
We were preempted that night by the coverage of the ceremonies observing the 30th
anniversary of the St. Lawrence Seaway.
So, you know, it was a small wonder there was nothing funny there.
The band now doing bird effects for their own amusement.
Well, letter number two.
Dear Dave, I've been in your audience three times and I'm looking forward to
the fourth.
However, every time I've been there, I never get a seat closer than four rows
from the back.
Why are your seating arrangements so unfair, Dave?
I know the show is free, but parking cost me $11.
Wow.
Let's hope that on my next visit, the seating arrangement will be more
democratic.
Sincerely, Joe Schwen.
Glendale, New York.
Well, Joe, it's true.
The tickets here are certainly free, but audience members are seated according
to how much they spend for parking.
For example, let me show you.
Can we see the folks just in the first row?
Yes, sir.
How much did you spend for parking?
$45, Dave, two blocks away.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
And you, ma'am, how did you do?
I parked four blocks away and I paid $40.
Oh, good for you.
And you, sir?
Right across the street, $50.
All right.
Okay, sir.
So, you see, Joe, you're lucky to get in the building with that measly $11
parking bill.
Dear Dave, letter number three begins, how about bringing late night on the
road?
For one week, you could broadcast from some location other than New York.
You could broadcast from several different locations during a few specific
weeks each year.
Signed, Jonathan Belcher, student at Northeastern University, Boston,
Massachusetts.
Well, actually, Jonathan, we did take the show out on the road once and it was
a lot of trouble.
And I think we can prove it to you via this videotape.
Take a look, if you will.
The show on the road.
Good evening.
Welcome to the show.
I hope the rain is not getting you too wet.
Tonight, we have small town views.
Plus, Art Buchwald.
Okay.
All right.
You people in the back.
Please move 30 yards closer to the highway.
Just didn't work out.
Sorry.
Letter number four.
Dear Dave, due to my fairly bizarre sleeping habits, I get to watch your show
often.
I've always thought it would be fun to be in the audience, but I really wonder
how they can appreciate your show in the middle of the afternoon when it's
taped.
Tell me, Dave, how do you make these people, these studio audience members,
pretend it really is late at night?
Thanks a million.
Stephanie Clover, Virginia Beach, Virginia.
Well, Stephanie, all of that is taken care of in the warm-up before the show
begins.
As a matter of fact, we taped tonight's warm-up so you can see just exactly how
it works.
So take a look at your TV, if you will, Stephanie.
So I've told you who's going to be on the show, and I've introduced the band.
Ladies, if you'll come out here and pass that out.
We're almost ready to get the show on the roll, folks.
Let's take one of those little cups.
Okay, now, relax.
Have a good time with us.
There's just one last thing before Dave comes out here.
We want to make sure that everyone can see the stage from their seats.
Can you all see this?
Okay, even up in the back?
Fine.
Now, it's fascinating, isn't it?
The swirling motion.
It makes you believe it's getting later.
And later.
And later.
Why, it's now exactly 12.30 a.m.
It's now exactly 12.30 a.m.
Why is that stupid?
Oh, no, no.
Looked a little like a staff meeting, didn't it?
No, it didn't.
Just a joke there for the staff.
Letter number five.
Dear Mr. Letterman, I don't ordinarily write letters to celebrities,
but my son is very fond of you.
Well, that's very nice.
Also, Mick Jagger and Pat Benatar.
Especially Pat Benatar.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Since he is an Indianapolis boy,
I thought you might be able to secure for him
a personally autographed
and perhaps a note from each of the above.
Personally autographed photo, I guess, that is.
Thank you so much, Eric Morgan's mother, Anne.
Yeah, Anne, that's no problem.
We can get you those photographs.
Marie, could you bring out the pictures?
Marie O'Donnell, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah.
Marie, we need a Mick Jagger.
Jagger.
Okay.
All right.
Make it out to Eric, stay cool, Mick.
Okay.
And also, we need a Pat Benatar when you're done with that one.
Okay, just one second.
All right.
Okay, there's that one.
Okay, that's nice.
He's got a Pat Baron, Pat Barry, Pat Benatar.
Okay, great.
And put this one, that one's to Eric, thanks for a wonderful weekend, Pat.
Can we take care of that?
Okay.
All right, great.
Thank you very much.
Drop those in the mail to Eric Morgan in Indianapolis.
Thank you very much.
All right.
Let me give you a hand with that box.
Dear Dave, letter number six begins,
have a guest on your show who is real sleazy and slimy
and hasn't bathed in quite a while.
Then see how long you can stand to sit next to him.
I'll bet you can't last one minute.
Yours till the world ends.
Byron Torca, Seattle, Washington.
You know, this is a great idea, Byron.
I don't know why we haven't tried this one before,
but, you know, I think I could probably last a minute
sitting next to a guy like that.
Let's just find out now.
Please welcome Bob Hodge, a real sleazy and slimy guy
who hasn't bathed in quite a while.
Bob?
Right here, Bob.
Sit down right there, Bob.
Okay, have a seat.
I think I can do this.
I think I can last a minute.
Now, you haven't bathed in a month, huh?
Yeah, at least a month.
At least a month.
And, uh, are you having a good time?
Yeah.
I was in the little back room there in the waiting room
and I had some sodas.
And some sodas.
Four cans.
Four cans.
Had the room all by myself.
Uh-huh.
You know, you ought to get some food there, you know,
like maybe some pork chops or some pastrami sandwiches.
Uh-huh.
Chinese.
Yeah.
Um, you done any other television?
Oh, yeah.
Cable.
Did some cable.
Uh, Hal.
Uh, that's it.
Two o'clock.
Sorry.
Sorry, Bob.
I thought I could make it.
Sorry.
Thanks, Tommy.
Thanks, Tommy.
Uh, that's it.
Are we finished with viewer mail?
Yes.
What do you think, Paul?
Well, it was a good one.
It was all right?
It was all right.
We got a great show tonight.
Andy Summers is here, Jeff Greenfield, and Kenny Rogerson, a fine comedian.
Come back and join us right after you take a look.
Yeah!