Name: Richard Lewis Is A Hypochondriac | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-02-28T21:52:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Richard Lewis Is A Hypochondriac | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Richard Lewis Is A Hypochondriac | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-28. Transcript available.

My first guest tonight is an actor, a writer, a comedian, and a regular guest
on this program.
It's a pleasure to have him back.
Please welcome a very funny gentleman, Mr. Richard Lewis.
Nice to see you.
Is this bad posture for network television?
What's the matter? Is it me? Do I have posture problems?
No, I do. You're relaxed. I'm, uh, I just, I just, I, you know, I'm embarrassed.
I, I, I'm wearing like a, I had a practice brace on, because I, like, I dip,
you know, and I blame, uh, well, I blame my family for so much on this show
that it's a nightmare.
But they, you know, I just think it's their fault.
I come on TV, it's a network television, and I should be able to, you know, it's,
I know it's from childhood, you know.
No, you look all right. I, you know, I, if you had not called attention to it,
I would have, I, well, now you look a little like a chicken with doing that.
No, but they would say, you know, you'll never be in show business. You shouldn't.
And I used to walk around, like a little turtle with a skull cap on it for like
a year and a half, you know, and a big piece of lettuce in my room.
That's pretty much it.
Uh, but now, but now that you're a successful entertainment personality, your,
your family must be very supportive of you.
Yeah, well, there's, there's some, I'm sure, that are out there that are, uh,
look, I love my family, you know, but, uh, I think I'm a product of my
childhood, quite frankly, you know.
That's what I was thinking backstage. I was looking in the mirror, and I was slatching
over.
Look, I used to sit around the table with all the relatives. They used to put
me down in harmony.
It was like really an embarrassing thing. You'll never make it, you'll never
make it, you know, kind of thing.
My father, he, he, he, he bought me like my first slacks, some men's slacks.
Yeah.
He gave me like training cuffs for like a week and a half, you know, and always
felt not ready, but tomorrow's the test, you know, I just.
Tomorrow is the test.
Well, I'll see them again.
Oh, I see.
A big reunion.
Yeah.
And, um.
Who is your uncle that you've mentioned from time to time?
Oh, well, last year, Uncle Ray, he'll be there.
He had, you know, he drinks a tad too much, you know, at dinner, and he used to
sleep, I told you.
This is the guy who falls asleep.
Fall asleep like, uh, you know, oh, I'm a failure, I'm a loser, I'm nowhere,
you know.
So, uh, I tried to help him last, last trip in, I tried to get one of these, uh,
self-help books for him, but it, you know, it backfired, you know, I went to
this bookstore in New York and, uh, I go over to the guy, you're the young kid,
you know, I said, pardon me, do you have that book, you, the pitiful alcoholic,
you know, it's like, and the guy, do you have, you, the pitiful alcoholic, and
my, you know, my uncle ran out with like black tape over his eyes, you know,
and my cousin, uh, Marty will be there, and I'm a little angry at him.
He's like a real dreamer, schemer kind of guy, and he's always, uh, he has like
a divining rod shop in Staten Island now, you know, and he's like a pseudo,
real pseudo kind of mystic, you know, and he's really, it's frightening,
because like months ago, Christmas time.
He's a psychic kind of guy?
He thinks he's, he does these mystical things, you know, and we're sitting
around the table, and he's like, uh, we're having a religious evening, you know,
it's like a holiday, and he's sitting there, and he's into this psychic
phenomenon stuff, and in the middle of the dinner, he starts to, points at me,
you know, and I'm like, uh, uh, it's frightening, and he says, don't eat
popcorn in May, he said to me, you know.
Yeah, well, it's important to know that.
He has to find something.
Now, how do you feel?
I know you're, you're kind of a, uh, a hypochondriac.
Are you?
Is that safe to say?
Well, yeah, that whole posture of nonsense, you know, I mean, that's, uh, so
upset I even talked about it.
I, I try to relax, you know, I'm back home in L.A., I'm taking a slam dancing
course at the Jewish Community Center now.
Well, that's good.
Yeah, it's, it's all right.
Yeah, yeah.
I have a helmet on, like a skull cap helmet, like a batting helmet, if I fall.
That's good.
I go to doctors all the time, you know, I am a hypochondriac.
A friend of mine sent me, I think he made up a hypochondriac's coloring book,
you know, had, like, outlines of, like, healthy people, and I would just, like,
color him problems all day, you know, see.
But I go, and you have to go, you know, I, I, uh, I, but I go for the wrong
reasons, you know, although this was legit.
Friends always say, you're not sick, you're not sick.
I was really sick.
I was shopping the other day, and I had trouble pulling the last cart out, you
know, I don't know what those carts do, but I got shopping cart elbow, whatever
it is, you know, I couldn't yank the thing out, and, and then the wheels were
like an elephant man cart.
It was, like, spinning around for, like, an hour and a half.
I wound up at some, I don't know, young Republican's picnic at Santa Barbara, I
don't know where the hell I was, you know, I was following this thing for hours.
And, uh, go to the doctor, there was a shopping cart man in Beverly Hills, I
was told about, you know.
I could have gone to Geneva, there's a guy there, but who has time, who has
time for that, and, uh, I'm, I'm not gonna, you know, I can't say I, I'm happy,
I mean, I'm paranoid.
I go in yet, I'm paranoid, like the x-ray, the guy gave me an x-ray for the arm,
and, look, I'm sorry, I mean, they put this cone, it's like three mile island
time in front of you, and then he runs around the block, hides in a safe for an
hour and a half, you know.
You walk out like the thing, and he's putting in the hall with a golf thing,
you know, and he says to me, uh, he says, bring a specimen, which I really, I
feel like it's enough to go to doctors with all the money.
I had to bring a gold bar last physical, that's how much it cost me, you know,
and I don't want to bring that specimen in.
I'm embarrassed at home, I live alone again, but I put a little hood on when I
do it, you know, and, uh, I feel the nurses are in this conspiracy, I give them
the little jar, and she says, is your name on the bottle, I don't know, your
name is Chunky Skippy, I don't know, you know, I didn't have time to type my
name, that's all I have to do with my, like, type labels on my personality, you
know what I mean?
I don't know, I say, uh, now, uh, I want to talk to you about living in Los
Angeles, is that easy, you've only been out there a decade, has it gotten any
easier for you?
Anything new in L.A. that's got you down?
Well, it's, uh, lots of stuff, and, uh, it's the women thing, you know, I, uh,
I just, I'm bad luck, I went to this bad luck lounge, like in Santa Barbara,
you know, meet this woman, and the thing that's upsetting to me is that, uh,
you know, I know now that, uh, I cannot let go of somebody, which is very
important, if you say you love somebody, they don't love you, they give you
subtle clues, it got to a point, it was so disgusting, I mean, I was trying to
get it back, and she invited me over to a house to watch her blowtorch my name
out of her,
a Rolodex, you know, and, you know, and she was a mistake anyway, she was anti-Semitic,
you know, I found that out in bed, too, you know, I found that she had, like, a
little tattoo of a, it was right on the corner, it was like a rabbi and a half
Nelson, she had it right on the corner, so, you know, I'm, I'm upset about it,
and, you know, one thing, when you're lying in bed with someone, let's say you
have, you're lucky if you have that, you can cuddle, you know, because I can't
sleep well, so sometimes, if you're not sleeping, the next person's going, the
next person, that's how intimate I'm getting, you know, they snore, you know,
try to get that snore, you know what I mean, yeah, so, she, so, consciously
hated me so much, she would try to screw me up with the snore, she would go,
you know, she was not, yeah, and I would, like, jump around, couldn't get the
rhythm, huh, what about, um, I don't even know how to bring this up, but, um,
what, uh, Los Angeles and Hollywood, uh, in particular, has kind of a
reputation for being, uh, looser than other parts of the world, you know, have
you ever, you know what I'm,
Oh, it's actually me? Yeah. Oh, God, well, I mean, uh, have you ever, I heard,
I read, I, you know, this, uh, this Sharon was, uh, forget about it, I, uh,
couldn't, I mean, she was too athletic, I just, uh, I didn't know what to do,
you know, I tried to catch up, I, I read those books, you know, those positions,
3009, you're on a bunk bed, your wife's holding a chandelabre, you know, kind
of, it's, it's too much, you know, I'm gonna write a manual, and, uh, it'll
probably, I don't know what I would call it, probably, you know, it'd be, uh,
ow, you're on my hair.
You're on my hair, yep. I'm on my hair, you know, what else, that's all I do
with it, I mean, I, uh, it's just, there's too much pressure, I mean, uh, for
men, they make love once, it's over, you know, women, um, so many times, it's
the greatest, you know, and, you know, after once for a man, it's, uh, no,
everyone knows this, unless you're a parakeet, I guess, you know, uh, make love
once, check, you know, I'd sit, so, uh, I know what, I lie in bed, I'm still
insecure, if someone would say,
you know, willingly, let's make love again, I go, I really like to, but I think
I'll put some aluminum siding on the house first, I don't know, uh, no, no sex
manuals.
It's nice to see you again, uh, Richard.
It's always great to see you.
How long you gonna be in town?
Uh, a couple of days, see Uncle Ray tomorrow, and, uh, the cousin, and then I'm
off, you know.
You don't mind flying?
I'm not a fan, I'm not a big fan.
No, me neither, uh, nice to see you again. Richard Lewis, ladies and gentlemen.
Uh, we'll be right back with, uh, Barbara Cartman.
Thank you.