Name: The Best of Richard Lewis | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-03-01T01:45:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best of Richard Lewis | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best of Richard Lewis | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-01. Transcript available.

The Best of Richard Lewis | Letterman

Los Angeles and Hollywood in particular has kind of a reputation for being looser
than other parts of the world, you know?
Have you ever, you know what I'm...
You mean sex you mean?
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Well, I mean, I heard, I read, you know, this Sharon was, forget about it, I
couldn't, I mean, she was too athletic, I just, I didn't know what to do, you
know?
I tried to catch up, I read those books, you know, those positions, 3009, you're
in a bunk bed, your wife's holding a chandelion,
blobbery and all kind of, it's too much, you know, I'm going to write a manual
and it'll probably, I don't know what I would call it, probably, you know, it'd
be, ow, you're on my hair, that would be the number of the, it's the, I'm on
the flight and there's a little baby and it's like we're not taking him off yet
and we go over and this baby was like a Gerber baby, forget about it, it's
beautiful, beautiful baby and I went over like everybody else, like everybody
almost took like a bakery ticket
hello little baby, hi little cutie, hi little cabbage, you know, whatever you
say to a baby, I had some baby ad libs, you know.
everything was cool and then we take off in this schlock airline and as soon as
that fastener seatbelt light came on, the baby, it went into like some kind of
primal scream, it was like a, for four hours, I don't know how long it took to
get here, it seemed like four hours, I actually had this headache for four and
a half hours, the baby was shrieking for four hours and the whole, everyone on
the plane, all the passengers, they turn into like a, like a coven, like a,
like a witch's coven, it was like Rosemary's baby, it was like, burn the child,
burn the child.
if I can't live alone, in fact, I tried to get a roommate, I went to a computer
place, so I go to this roommate place and this woman sitting opposite me, I
gave the check to the guy, you know, and I said, well, what do you do, she says,
I'm 35 and I'm quiet and I work for UNICEF, all these wild things, you know,
and I said, great, great, move in to some schlocky, horrible apartment in Westwood,
furnace joint, you know, I just needed company, you know.
and the first night, she's typing, it's quiet, this could be heaven, you know,
no commitment, forget commitment, no knowing anything, you know, and I knock on
the door, I go, Helene, I'm gonna get some chicken, what do you want, the backs,
the wings, whatever you want, no big deal, it's on me, her first night.
She turns around, she goes, your mother lives in hell, and her head spun around,
and, uh, I missed a best friend's surprise party Sunday, and it's really aggravating,
it ruined, it's almost ruined the whole weekend, because, uh, and he couldn't
tell me, because he didn't know, you know what I mean, so not very profound,
but it's bothering me.
You know, if he was a good friend, he could have maybe known psychically that
he had a surprise party, so, you know, I asked his wife what happened, she was
very upset, and she sent me this, you know, invitation, never came, I swear it
never came, you know, she doesn't believe it, because, you know, I'm, 20 cents
now, it's first class, you know, what does that mean, what's, what's third
class?
You know, they have me strap a letter on the back of a mental patient, and he
wanders aimlessly through the country.
I've been trying all these new diets out there, because it's very health-oriented
out in L.A., and, uh, I had this Enquirer thing, I was paying for some cereal
the other day, and by the register, they had these, I don't know what it is,
the Enquirer, whatever, one of those, that, like, kind of, new diet was, like,
a headline, kind of stupid, you know, it was, like, lose five pounds, and
communicate with the dead, you know, it was all gone, yeah, and I am not gonna
do that diet, because I, uh, quite frankly, I had enough trouble with my alive
relatives, but, dead relatives, I'd be, it'd be history for me, because, I have,
in fact, I'm frightened that one day they are gonna come back, it's really,
a problem I have.
Really? You're worried about the relatives?
Well, if they're dead, and they come back on a whim one night, it would be a
nightmare, you know, it's like, I have a little poster on my bed, wherever I
move, I always have a little poster, little rules for the dead, I don't feel it's
a mistake.
Well, I have, I have two rules, two rules and regulations, I tack right over
the bed, I really dread them coming back, first of all, I feel that they cannot,
well, I have to stand up, but, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's,
there's, there's no way, should they, they're not allowed to walk like this,
none of this, none of that, none of that, none of that, so, I broke up during
the Jewish holidays, you know, New Year's, you know,
this Rosh Hashanah, by the way, I don't have to date Jewish women, but this ex
of mine, so humiliating, in front of my mother, she called Rosh Hashanah, Benny
Hanna, can you believe this?
Can you believe this?
You know?
So, I go to the, I go to temple, I'm not very religious, and it's really beyond
reform, this, you know, I mean, I was trying to pray, I guess, I don't know, I
was trying to pray, and in the middle of the, the sermon, the congregation,
they broke out in a wave, I couldn't believe this.
I was dating an actress, and, uh, You date a lot of actresses, don't you?
Well, you know, I don't run into, like, lumberjacks out there, you know, it's
like, I wish I did, I wish I did, they're all, you know, we're talking about
this, but actually, you run into it.
You'd go out with a lumberjack?
Yes, if she was a nice person, you know, but, uh, this woman was a crazy
actress, like, during foreplay, she made at least three business calls, okay,
it was like, uh, totally involved in herself, and, uh, I had a big problem,
actually, uh, uh, she had this, you know, this drug lithium, it's, people take,
because their moods get up and down, you know, someone applauded for lithium,
one of the greatest.
And, uh, and I'd be walking with her on a date, she'd say, uh, take me to a
funeral, no, I want to go to a luau, you know, it was like.
Now, when you were a child, uh, uh, did you feel a lot of love from your family,
your mom and dad, and so forth?
Yes, I, I really did, there was a number of things, they, they gave a lot of
presents and stuff, and also advice, uh, although I couldn't hear most of the
advice, because my mother would hoover with the vacuum constantly, and, uh, in
the middle of the greatest conversation with my father, let's say I gave my
father, you know, dad, this sexual, woo, she'd come right in on that.
I never spoke to my father because of the hoover, and he gave advice, although
it was a little embarrassing, he, obligatory advice, you know, I'd come home
from school with these ridiculous pieces of information, like, uh, hey, dad, uh,
why can't I kill a praying mantis, you know, and I heard that in second grade,
and he had, he said, I don't know, uh, to help catch kidnappers, you know, and,
uh, I used to go to shrinks in New York, it was like shrinks, it was good, but,
Ellie, there's all, there's a billion types, you know, they have, like, psychotherapy
by Danielle out there, you know.
Such a rip-off, underwater therapy, with snorkels, with your family under the
pool there, you know, how do you feel about that, it just bubbles, you know
what I mean?
I, I have some sexual resolutions, quite frankly, and, boy, I, I, really, I
have to see Ruth, I think I might go to her when I'm here, because, uh.
Well, what, what would the resolution?
Well, first of all, you know, performing and all that stuff, sexually, first of
all, I think premature ejaculation takes the pressure off of performing in bed,
quite frankly.
And number two, I feel, uh, and she's discussed this many times, orgasm is so
interesting to me, I, no one really knows what it is, I'm in bed, and this
woman, I had no idea what to expect, at any moment, yeah, you bring the
explosives, oh, I don't know, I forgot everything, you know what I mean?
Position nine, eight, I'm in bed, she has to drive in the bedroom with a, in a
recreational vehicle, you know what I'm saying?
So we're finally making love, and then she said, she starts shrieking, the
whole neighborhood, it was like an air rage, you missed my G spot, you missed
my G spot, you know, I was so glad to be in bed, now I have to parallel park
now, you know, I mean, we get to this jungle lane, whatever it is, the animal,
it must have been dead day, the day we went down, I don't know if you ever gone,
the animals were just sleeping, they were just dozed, and here, and you're like
a million miles away, here's what the lion looked like, it was like, this is
what I saw, this is what the lion looked like, you know, from my car.
And my nephew got upset, because he wasn't seen any wild, and he rolled down in
the winter, he's three years old, and he screamed at the lions, your wife's a
slut, he's like screaming at these lions.
So, the lion, the lion got upset, he was reading a novel or something, you know,
he walks over to the car, and he goes, raw, raw, raw, like a comic, you know,
like, read my lips, okay, raw.
That is, it's a joke, a nightmare joke, until, with baboons, baboons, with, oh,
the best, like they jump on your car, you know, it's a real treat, for you and
the little tyke, you know, until, they turn around, they moon you for about an
hour, an hour, 45 minutes.
Like, oh, it is, it is the most disgusting moment, I, I can't have sex anymore,
I am turned off, I can't, I, you know, I tried to kill him, I tried to kill him,
I tried to kill him, I put the wipers on in the car, you know, and the baboon
does a little dance there, you know.
And this woman was dragging me to weddings, I mean, and all these weddings were
driving me nuts, the last one, two weeks ago, was the long, it was so boring,
the violinist and the flautist, they stopped playing, they said, they claimed
they ran out of classical music, that's what they said.
And I didn't want to get married, now, with her, she was wrong for me, and she,
you know, that bouquet ceremony, you know, they throw the thing, she put stick-em
on her hands, and she was, she would always leap, you know.
First of all, I had this turtle, these little teeny-weeny turtles, they're
suicidal, and I was trying, because I had that little, you know, they put them
in that little palm tree, whatever, they come in.
Sure.
And I've had about 12, and they all die, because they're so fragile, I mean, a
friend come over, don't shake it, he's dead, you can't, I brought my cleaning
home, a little lint, a little lint fell into the thing, he hung himself, he
hung himself.
He hung himself immediately.
Two weeks ago, I'm on the road somewhere.
You travel a lot, you work a lot.
Oh, God, you know, and there's Halley's, Halley's Comet.
It's Halley's now.
It is, now it's, I thought, and I felt like, what a moron.
Yeah.
I'm your age, I'm my age, we're everybody's age, and I'm going around for 37
years, did you say Halley's or Halley's?
What did you say?
I'm curious.
I say Halley's.
Halley's.
I'm afraid to talk.
I'm afraid to go across the street.
Give me a slice of pizza with the anchovies.
You mean a sluice of pizza with anchovies?
Is that going to happen?
Is that going to happen now?
Can I ask you about your sex life?
Is that under control?
It's not under control, because the woman I broke up with, first of all, I
think she cheated on me.
And it was so embarrassing to me, because one night she came back, and she had
like a couple of little lines on her back,
like a little scratch mark.
Hey, come on, hey, uno momento here, you know, what happened?
You know, and she literally said to me, straight face, I fell on a rake.
You know?
I want to see the fight in person.
I love, I love the fights.
You're a boxing fan.
I am, and I, you know, last time I saw the, uh, the Hagler fight, I just can't
watch, I can't stand how they, I like to see the fight.
I don't want to see, like, all the