Name: Fan Request: Dave's People's Choice Awards Rant Against CBS | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-03-01T16:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fan Request: Dave's People's Choice Awards Rant Against CBS | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fan Request: Dave's People's Choice Awards Rant Against CBS | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-01. Transcript available.

i i have to i have to tell you something here now now bear with me because this
may get a little
complicated let me just start by saying that we work for cbs paul and the band
and myself and
everybody here we do the show here at cbs and in return they compensate us
comfortably i would say
wouldn't you paul yeah and and and sometimes in our relationship with cbs we've
been here how many
years going on 11 10 years something like 11 years yeah 11 years and uh
sometimes things have
been great like when we first came over from nbc paul and i used to do the show
at nbc and then uh
they fired paul you were stealing something right i don't want to get into it
okay forget i brought
that up right and and and uh as a show of uh support and unity i left when paul
was fired i'll never
forget that thank you well it's been a dear to me as well
and so when we came over to cbs everything was great for about two two and a
half three years and
and then suddenly and i won't bore you with what happened but things happened
there were changes
and we went into a long dark cold period it was like the second ice age people
who used to be here
were no longer here and then the people that took their places were gone you
know they'd go to lunch
and never come back and we were just left you know we didn't know what to think
and and and then now
things have been pretty good when was the last time i was really upset about cbs
it's been a long time
oh yeah you haven't ranted or anything no gone into a long rant at the top of
the show in a long long
time and i i just i just want to mention that this is not really a long rant
this is just by way of
information oh okay this is explanatory explanatory yeah so uh things have been
pretty good uh with our
relationship i think pretty solid with the network up until last night no last
night last night now
now here's the other part of the story uh cbs you know you've heard of the
people's choice awards
they've been on the air for 30 years yeah oh i i've seen i i see that yeah yeah
and and the the the
the reason uh people in the entertainment business like to win the people's
choice awards and they'll
tell you right there when they accept the awards because the people people the
people vote on the
awards yeah it's not like some group of stooges on some kind of a committee or
anything it's the
actual people people yeah it's a it's a literal uh an analogous popularity
contest the people vote
and you get the award people shoot well now in 30 years that the people's
choice awards has been in
business we've never been nominated and there's a good reason for that the
people don't like us
the people don't like us all right well guess what this year the people's
choice awards which by the
way last night was on the cbs television network right here i see this this
network you're watching
right here choo cho yeah this this network right here yes the people's choice
award was on we
uh happen to be nominated in the category best talk show oh that's so we find
out about this like a two
months ago we get a call or a guy comes to your house with guess what and it
turns out uh we were
nominated uh the the uh almighty and all-powerful oprah winfrey was nominated
nominated and jay leno was nominated our friend so it's the big three it's the
big show down there
and so and so they say we'll let you know within a week whether you've won now
here's this interesting
you didn't know this before they they they only notify the winner because they
don't want losers
cluttering up the awards show they they don't want to rent a hall they don't
want to go to the
trouble of renting a gymnasium or wherever they hold this thing and and then
have it filled with
losers i see so they'll tell you that you've been nominated and they say if you
don't hear from us
in a week you didn't win well we didn't win okay we didn't expect to win
because again the people
don't like us so now all we know is either a jay leno won or oprah winfrey won
so last night
on the show uh oprah winfrey wins uh-huh she's very popular she's damn good and
the people love her
the people love her yeah so okay now here's now i come to work today and
somebody shows me this deal
the cbs has a website and on the website they promote various upcoming cbs
broadcasts yes so
yesterday and all last week on the cbs on the cbs on the cbs website yes
website yes they're promoting the
people's choice awards yeah okay as well they would all right now here i have
made now a a copy a photo
fax copy of what's on the cbs website yesterday keep in mind that i'm dave
letterman yeah i work here
at cbs you are yes i was finally nominated for a people's choice award very
nice okay now here's what
cbs was doing to promote their big show on the website they're so proud of the
people's choice awards
yeah but they promote it on their website sure all right take a look here you
got a picture there
there's bill cosby there's everybody loves raymond and then look at there there's
jay
look at that look at that look at that he's not on cbs he's not on cbs
you are i'm on cbs yeah what's the matter with these people i don't know that's
interesting
good they couldn't put oprah put oprah oprah's the winner i would understand
that put oprah on
there she's on a different time of day entirely now listen it's it's a team
there is no i in team
there there is it's teamwork it's all about teamwork and we have to pull
together as a team
and and if you don't bad things will happen to your team sometimes i get the
feeling our team never
even gets off the bus well so now here's what i want to do because i want to i
want to nip this
in the bud i don't want this to turn ugly i don't want this to fester and get
wild and just silly
like sometimes things can't yeah like the david and lies of marriage you don't
want that to happen
to this here's what i want and listen to me because i'm not kidding about this
i want to call
from somebody at cbs not a stooge i don't want a stooge calling me okay i i got
i got i know plenty
of stooges i can talk to on my own i don't need to get a call from a stooge i
want like a big deal
person a big deal man or a woman high-powered executive to call me up and here's
what i want you
to do i say geez dave oh my god we're terribly sorry please for the love of god
forgive us and
oh by the way and i don't want this to really happen but i want them to say
that this really
happened yeah but i don't want it to happen i want them to say oh and by the
way the person
who made that mistake has been fired yeah they don't want that to really i don't
want that to
happen it would be nice if they said that i just want them to say that i don't
blame you
yeah and that seems fair enough to me yeah and if that happens if that if you
get a call like that
what will you do everything will be fine sure you'll forget the whole thing
okay that's right and it has
to happen within 24 hours if i if i haven't received this phone call because i
know in the control room
there's a stooge sitting in the control room you better pick up the phone and
call one of your buddies
and get them to make this call as soon as possible or this is going to get ugly
i don't blame you
apologize beg for my forgiveness and pretend that you fired the person
responsible
okay fine all right i don't you know fair fair let's see that
yeah i know look at this yeah yeah look at this i'm on cbs
you saw him right at the same time we're on cbs what do you think
i'm on both networks what do you think i'm on both networks what do you think i'm
on both networks
what do you think i don't know i don't know golly gee here's something that uh
i loved uh ladies
gentlemen more than life itself you know donald trump has got his own show on nbc
and yeah and oh you can read all about it on the cbs website i'm sure
i don't want anybody fired oh of course not i don't even i don't even want to
know who was
responsible for it i just want him to say and don't worry so and so has been
fired i just want
to say that yeah and by the way we just checked the website it's still up okay
good so so nothing
has happened in the last 10 minutes should yeah all right this is great you
know what just happened
oh this is very exciting i'm told now that here on my phone can you see the
blinking light there
on the phone you know who that is yes who's on it i'm told now that that's the
chairman and ceo
of cbs mr leslie moon this will be great they didn't get any higher than cbs
than this guy and
they and he and he this is the guy and now everything's so so let's see what
happens here
okay hello mr moon viz hello dave how are you i'm fine thank you how are you oh
you know
dave uh dave uh i i can't tell you how sorry i am and everybody at cbs is at uh
the the indiscretion
that we we used on our website um i have to tell you two things that happened
one
one we have pulled down the website entirely there is no more cbs.com excellent
and number
two the person who was in charge is now fired thank you very much leslie uh you
know we take
care of you dave we love you i appreciate the call let's play golf all right i'd
love to okay
bye bye how about that shut down the website entirely doesn't exist anymore are
you feeling
better i feel much better okay that's all okay it's a brand new year i feel
great
i feel much better i feel good i feel good i feel good i feel good i feel good
i feel good