Name: Demetri Martin Makes His Late Show Debut | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-03-01T23:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Demetri Martin Makes His Late Show Debut | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Demetri Martin Makes His Late Show Debut | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-01. Transcript available.

Our next guest, a very funny young comedian. He is making his debut with us
tonight.
On April 30th, he will be performing at Irving Plaza right here in New York
City.
Please welcome Dimitri Martin.
Thank you. Thank you, audience. Thank you.
I just stopped eating at my favorite restaurant.
I used to eat there all the time, like four nights a week, but not so much
anymore.
Not since I went to use their bathroom and I saw a sign that said, employees
must wash hands.
Especially Carl.
I had great holidays this year. I set a personal record on Christmas. Yeah.
I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time.
I had all the presents back in my apartment. I was halfway through wrapping
them, and I realized, damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.
Paper I used said, happy birthday.
I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it.
I'm currently writing a book, and I'm really excited because some authors write
in first person, and others write in third person.
I'm writing my book in fifth person.
So every sentence starts out with, I heard from this guy who told somebody.
I think it's interesting how sometimes objects can communicate to you, you know?
Like sometimes I look at a donut, and it looks like a zero.
It's like it's saying, this is how many of me you should eat.
But then other times I see like a bunch of donuts in a row, and it looks like
it says, ooh.
It's always who killed the butler, or who stole the diamond.
How about, hey, who made cookies?
Somebody cleaned my room.
I don't like thank you cards, because I don't know what else to say.
What do I put on the inside?
Man.
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
Where do I put on the inside?
I was at the zoo the other day, looking for a job/girlfriend/pretzel.
This summer I want to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "get a
life" on them.
I like the beach though.
I like to get there really early before everybody else shows up, you know?
I take like 30 bottles with notes in them and I throw them into the water.
Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach.
And when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them.
Because when they open it, inside there's a note that says, "I'm standing right
behind you."
Thanks a lot, audience.
Nice job.
Thank you.
I enjoyed that.
Thanks.
Is this something you always wanted to do, be a comedian?
Yeah, I think so.
I sidetracked a little in law school for a while.
You went to law school?
Yeah, yeah.
They're similar, I guess.
So, you know, follow your heart.
But, yeah, it was cool.
Actually, I did two years of law school and then I dropped out.
And my family was psyched.
I think they were thrilled.
You know?
Well, yeah.
They were disappointed.
I always mix that up.
It was cool.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you're from this area?
Yeah.
I'm from Jersey.
And I'm Greek.
Yeah.
Thank you.
And my family owns a diner.
So, that's kind of it.
Is that right?
Yeah, yeah.
And I'm not showing off.
I'm just putting that out there for, you know.
Thank you.
Thanks.
I brag.
I'm sorry.
Sounds like it's working out pretty well, though.
Yeah, it's good.
You know, I was a busboy there against my will throughout high school.
And I'm an artist.
My family doesn't get that a lot.
But, yeah.
I'm an artist.
I said it right now.
But I was a busboy.
I got to say, like, I think, now that I have the chance, I just want to say to
America,
there's kind of an epidemic.
There are Greek teenagers across this nation slaving away in their parents' diners
and coffee
shops.
And I also want to say that we have great specials.
I try.
I try to, you know.
Very nice.
I commit it.
And what kind of things are you doing?
Are you on the road?
Like Bob Newhart was talking about, he loves being on the road.
He's been doing it for, like, 40 years.
You doing that kind of stuff?
I like skateboarding, so I think it's similar.
It's more around town and stuff.
Yeah, I do the road a little bit, you know.
And I'm trying to work out.
Just, like, kind of look good, feel right, you know.
Whatever it takes, man.
I'm not giving you a lot.
You're fine.
Dave's pitching them up to me.
Yeah, you're just fine.
All right.
Yeah.
But what else?
Oh, it says we'll be right back.
I think we'll be right back.
Yes, sir.
That's it for tonight.
My thanks to the men and women of the United States Coast Guard.
Bob Newhart and Dimitri Martin.
Have a great weekend.
We'll see you Monday with Rosie Perez and George Miller.
Craig Kilborn is next.
Good night, everybody.