Name: Stupid Human Tricks: This Guy Nose Chocolate Milk | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-03-19T15:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stupid Human Tricks: This Guy Nose Chocolate Milk | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stupid Human Tricks: This Guy Nose Chocolate Milk | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-19. Transcript available.

do me a favor now please say hello to our first participant here tonight dustin
phillips dustin
how do you do nice to see you pretty good
and dustin where are you from sir uh topeka kansas topeka kansas
ladies and gentlemen the heartland of this great nation am i right yeah
what do you do for a living uh dustin uh for i play semi-pro football and i'm a
full-time student
semi-pro football wow that's partially fascinating
but what what is this like a league you play is it like club football but you
actually get paid right
uh yeah we get paid at the end of the year a lot of pro scouts go watch it what
what is the name of
the team uh topeka nights topeka nights and how are you doing so far as the
season begun yeah uh we're
nine and oh and ranked 15th in the nation oh man so you guys are badasses aren't
you yeah
and what position do you play i'm a strong safety strong safety now uh is is
there a chance that
you might advance your professional football career uh i'm not looking to play
in the nfl you're not
so but you're just doing it for the love of the game yeah i like it a lot good
for you good for you
that you know that's really we need more of that actually don't you don't you
think oh yeah just do
it because they love it yeah absolutely uh dustin what are you gonna do uh here
tonight by way of
your little stupid human trick well what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna drink this
bottle of ketchup through
a straw in under 25 well there you go ladies and gentlemen to hell with
professional football
he's gonna drink ketchup come on
who needs that football nonsense we got a guy here drinking a bottle of ketchup
oh that paul tagliaboo guy
uh what can i do for you do you need a like a oh how about a clock see if you
can do it in
25 seconds but you said okay put up the clock you ready you want to uncap it
and get ready to go
sure how much ketchup do you drink in the course of a day i don't know did you
have like a bottle after
a workout no
you know the heinz people ought to get together with the gatorade people i'm
telling you
you know what i'm saying yeah yeah yeah hydrate
all right dustin i'm on your side buddy just remember that here we go he's
going to drink a
bottle of ketchup through a straw in under 25 seconds anton here we go dusty phillips
topeka kansas
from your topeka nights dustin phillips attaboy nice job good luck here thanks
for coming out
take a look there we go wow wow yes sir re i'm telling you nice job thank you
very much thank you
travel safely there you go dustin phillips
he may play semi-pro football but that was professional straw work wasn't it
that was some professional sucking am i right ladies
next do me a favor say hello to scott jekyll and ray parison scott jekyll and
ray parison ladies and
gentlemen scott how do you do good how are you ray did i get your last name
right parison uh scott
where are you from sir i'm from delavan illinois dave delavan illinois and also
peoria
peoria illinois once again the heartland the land of lincoln the great state
illinois what do you
guys do for a living there i'm a civil engineer civil engineer good that's it's
fun work isn't it
you're outside working on interesting projects all the time and how about you i'm
a hog farmer dave okay well
i wish i could say the same for your profession but how are our hog prices now
you doing all right
not good not good down a little bit yeah and why are they down people not
eating enough bacon and pork
and so forth over production and uh i don't know people but i was under the
impression that it was
the other white meat uh it is dave that campaign didn't work huh it's uh yeah
okay um you guys seem
like you're uh having a nice summer you're all relaxed casual here what are you
going to do for us
tonight dave i'm going to take a mini marshmallow i'm going to put it up my
nose i'm going to shoot
it across the stage and ray's going to catch it in his mouth oh for the love of
god oh my god
what did you get to the meeting late or something is that how you got this part
of the gig were you
late one day and so now this is what you have to do oh my god you poor bastard
honest to god
going to shoot it out of your nose and you're going to catch it yeah i
understand your part of it
your part of it makes no sense
okay uh i'll be backstage having a bottle of ketchup
what do you boys want do you want music you want drums what do you got
drum roll here we go all right it's scott and ray ladies and gentlemen i'll be
over here
what is wrong with you honest to god you don't have to do this
what do you have on him we tried the other way it didn't work it didn't work
the other way
i couldn't seem to catch it in your mouth eh i could catch it he couldn't here
we go ran scott
uh take a look at this piece of genius ladies and gentlemen it's up it's good
thanks thanks to see you thank you very much
good luck to you nice meeting you thank you very much
i'm telling you that makes you weak in the knees don't it
ouch all right our next uh guest here on stupid human tricks gary bishaw jr gary
bishaw jr
come on out gary bishaw yes nice to meet you gary how are you pretty good where
are you from sir
i'm from uh barrackville west virginia barrackville west virginia what whether
the largest city is
that near that we might know uh morgantown it's about a half hour from morgantown
a half hour from
two hours from charleston all part of that metroplex there yeah exactly exactly
uh and you born and
raised in west virginia yes sir the beautiful state isn't very beautiful you
got mountains you got
woods you got everything you got everything everything you need what do you do
for a living
there i'm a full-time student i work at national record mark where do you go to
school at fairmont
state college i see and what are you studying criminal justice oh criminal
justice and when you
get out you're going to be criminal yes that's i'm studying for i'm saying hard
so no you could be
like in law enforcement are you going to go into law school or something like
that i could i'm just
keeping all my options open at a boy i like to hear that keep keeping all his
options open this guy huh
if you come back later and arrest those last two guys i'd really appreciate it
no problem no problem
okay uh what are you going to do for us gary i'm going to make chocolate milk
and then i'm going to
dispense it dispense it oh really and what's and what uh i'll let you take a
look for yourself
all right here we go gary bishaw jr making chocolate milk going to dispense it
for us
from west virginia keep that in mind i think that may be a factor here
here we go here we go consuming a bottle of a glass of chocolate milk there we
go now now let's see what
happens oh now he's at now he's actually now he's adding me there you go i didn't
notice that
so
you make you make those last guys look like road scholars
and boy you just forked it right out your nose didn't you that's right
yes sir here we go take another look wake the kids
gary nice meeting you good luck gary bishaw jr ladies and gentlemen