Name: Dave Gets An Eye Exam | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-04-17T15:00:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Gets An Eye Exam | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Gets An Eye Exam | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-17. Transcript available.

Last week, ladies and gentlemen, when I told a highway patrol officer that I
thought my
speedometer was indicating 55, he told me I should get my eyes examined. So,
rather than
losing my license in yet another state, I did. So, uh, doctor, you're an ophthalmologist.
That's correct. What does that mean, ophthalmologist? An ophthalmologist is a
medical
doctor who specializes in disease and surgery of the eye. Right. Well, I don't
need any of that.
I have no eye disease. I don't need any surgery. I'm here for a checkup. Uh,
but I think you're
going to find that since the last time you examined my eyes, my vision has
improved. I've been told that
I have the vision of a vulture. I'm thinking of, uh, maybe rose-colored lenses.
Rose? So you can see
the world, uh, in better light. My, my, uh, friend, my good friend, uh, God
bless her, Elizabeth Taylor,
uh, has rose-colored lenses. We go ballooning with Malcolm Forbes every summer.
And I don't say God bless her because she's passed away. I say God bless her
because she's a dear
friend of mine. Wait a minute. Is this the Wilfred Academy of Beauty?
Can we read that later? I can see that that's the letter E and then that's the
letter E on its
back. But I must tell you something. I've memorized these two from the last
time I was here. Let me try
something. Just before we begin the exam. Let me see. There, there's a bunny.
It's three years. Oh, you get the idea. And here's maybe a bird. Wow, that's a
giant. Look at the size of that bird, Doctor.
You know, I have an idea that maybe this will put you over the top in your
profession. Not that you're
not already there. The next time you make an entrance into this very dramatic,
darkened room,
uh, in editing, we can add some music. So think of what you might like as your
theme. Like the theme
from Dr. Zhivago or, or, uh, from Gone with the Wind. Pick one of those and
then you'll come back
in and then when we put this together, you'll have that lovely music. Sensational.
All right. Now
we're going to put a couple of drops in. It'll make your pupils a little bit
bigger and that'll allow
me to look at the back part of the eye. Uh, Hans, this is not too unattractive.
Is it what I'm doing
here? No, no, it looks quite good. Thank you very much. I think you may have
dumped salad dressing
in my eyes. And this is, uh, you're fitting me for what, a helmet?
Ah, oh, that's painful. Turn that light down. This is actually a neck brace.
Yeah, get your
hand off my knee. Oh, oh. I'm looking at the front portion of your eye. Oh,
okay. I can see your eyes.
Grace, you have lovely eyes, Doctor. Thank you very much. What's that cologne?
Would you get your hand off my knee?
It's not my hand. Now, did you, did you think about a theme song for when you
make your entrance back
into the office? Yeah, I'm, I'm thinking. Has the, uh, uh, vision health of the
American, uh, public
gotten better? There's a very high, uh, interest in maintaining good vision.
Yeah. And, and all of it
to the right. And don't you find as, as a, as a people, as a country, we're
eating more salads these
days? This is basically what you'd be looking through, uh, if, if we were to
give you a prescription.
I have one of these in my car, by the way. All right, all right. At this point,
are we about ready to wrap
this up? Yeah. This'll be great. Now, so you select the music and then I want
you to walk back in and
say, Mr. Letterman, take a pause. I have good news. You have excellent vision.
And then the music will
swell and that'll be the end of the piece. Dynamite. All right. So do you have
one you want to, uh,
it would be either Dr. Zhivago or, uh, theme from Gone With the Wind or
something that you like?
Oh, how about, you know, something really spectacular like, um, um, you know,
the, the theme that they used for 2001.
Oh, also Sprock Zarathustra. Yeah. Right.
Mr. Letterman. I have great news for you. Yes, sir. Your eye exam is entirely
normal and you have the eyes of a vulture. Oh, great. Thank you very much.
All right. We'll, uh, pause here for a moment and return immediately with
Bonnie Raitt.
Thank you.