Name: CBS Mailbag: Let's Beat The Crap Out Of Alan Kalter | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-04-18T15:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS Mailbag: Let's Beat The Crap Out Of Alan Kalter | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS Mailbag: Let's Beat The Crap Out Of Alan Kalter | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-18. Transcript available.

uh all right now when we answer the these are letters that people write into us
every week and
when we announce the hometown the letter of the town of origin for the letter biff
henderson
will uh find it on that map and then indicate it with a colorful pushpin there's
a colorful pushpin
biff is very good for each correct city that biff locates we give him five
points and at
the end of the evening we total up the points and we see how he's done yeah we
see how he's
ready yes i am dave now i just feel awful about it i think it was my fault i
think i did frighten
the guy you're frightened but it wasn't your fault yeah uh okay uh letter
number one dear dave i've
always wanted to send a letter to cbs mailbag and see if you could make a joke
out of my letter well
good luck david m brown new york city new york city well this this is too easy
biff new york city
yeah something if you couldn't locate it yeah i like that new york city okay an
easy five points
so it's a bit of a challenge the guy here has written a letter uh to wanting to
know if we can
make a joke out of it but there's not really much to the letter could i see the
letter one more time
do you mind if i see it oh wait a minute there's something else there can we
see someone kick the
crap out of alan calter oh well now that's our announcer uh alan calter we can
do that where
where is the guy send in the guy we can take care of that there he is right
there
it's funny it's you know that where you where you see things happen before you
actually it's the
speed of sound and he was getting beat to hell and then you would hear the
punches and it's just yeah
it's amazing light travels yeah that's right light does travel faster than
sound that's right
you all right alan oh he's letter number two hey dave if you have one
superpower what would it be if i
had one superpower lou shu toronto toronto ontario canada bed this is your home
country paul yes it
is yeah toronto that's a beautiful city yeah i love toronto i was there two
summers ago it's just
fantastic it's right there you need to go to the map i don't think you need to
go to the map flip this
one over you gotta flip it really go international it ought to be part of north
america you can i think
he can go back and get it international not exactly in indonesia yeah it's
right at the top of lake
ontario should be right there uh ontario lake ontario i hope we haven't misled
him because he was
doing so well but anyway i was there two summers ago it's a fantastic town yeah
okay right there okay good
if you could have one superpower what would it be uh well you know superhuman
strength would be pretty
nice and uh but you know speaking of superpowers uh i saw this commercial for
the brand new spider-man
movie oh yeah oh what a fantastic film this is going to be great uh have you
seen the new commercials
for it no uh well it opened up in the new york city today and i guess all
across the country
here take a look at the commercials they're running for spider-man not everyone
is meant to make a
difference but for one man the choice to lead an ordinary life is no longer an
option on may 3rd watch as
he battles the most fearsome villain known to humankind
maybe we can just edit that mess into one just real good and down the stretch
they come with the
thing he did there i'm sure it's we just get rid of all that other infinitely
editable yeah i'm sure
it is i hope so jeez letter number three hi dave have you gone to a shelter for
a tornado uh ann
peterson to freemont nebraska biff freemont boy you might be in trouble there i
have no idea where
freemont nebraska is freemont nebraska right there in the middle of the country
uh the uh letter ann peterson uh i'll bet she's a lovely
woman that's a lovely name and peterson i bet she's a lovely person uh have you
ever
gone to a shelter for a tornado no uh we haven't ann and you know this is not
funny we're in tornado
season and they're deadly they're killer tornadoes and each year a lot of
damage is done and people
lose their lives so let me see that letter again if i could can we oh wait a
minute there's like a
little thing in the end yeah we can do that is that the guy still here where is
the guy what am i do no more
I think the punches sounded real this time because I think they were
ah yeah uh letter number four hey Dave has any of the crew uh there at the uh
late show ever
starred in a music video uh Joey Bogdan uh Victoria Australia oh now you're
gonna have
to flip it Biff Victoria Australia I just don't know I don't know what to tell
you there either
Victoria Australia it's the land down under that's all I know yeah Victoria
yeah let's see 15 points
so you've been he's got the glass out and down uh well I could watch this all
day well no no no
I'm a I'm assuming it's in the great Victoria great Victoria desert that's
right I'm gonna take that I'm
gonna take that congratulations we're gonna give you five points for that um
ever started in the a
music videos uh uh you know no no nobody's ever started any music videos but
you know what's a
great of you ever watch that uh Osborne show on the mpv have you seen that
fantastic Ozzy Osborne
so it's it's such a huge success and we were thinking it was well wait a minute
why we ought
to be able to cash in on some of this you know and so we put together it's the
same kind of deal
uh but it's called the letterman's no kidding yeah and it's instead of the Osborne's
it's it's all
about right take a look
but you stupid dad I want Grand Theft Auto 3 dad where the is dad he's sleeping
sleeping it's four o'clock in the bloody afternoon let him sleep he worked late
last night I saw his suck ass show last night he doesn't deserve any sleep for
that piece of
Jim Belushi my ass
let her man let her man wake up old man
I saw his suck ass show last night he doesn't deserve any sleep for that piece
of
Jim Belushi my ass yeah that's her man let her man wake up old man open the up
mother's out cold
let him eat that weed
together we got a shot yeah a big big I think you got a good shot
yeah so let's see Biff I correctly identified uh four cities five points a city
we totaled them up 20 points congratulations Biff
very nice
perfect score