Name: Bill Burr Thinks He Could Be President | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-05-07T22:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Thinks He Could Be President | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Thinks He Could Be President | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-07. Transcript available.

Our next guest is a very funny gentleman and he'll be performing at the Improv
Comedy Club
in Washington, D.C. from March 1st through the 5th. Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome back to the
show Bill Burr. All right, thank you. I got into a big fight with a buddy of
mine today. He's one of
these guys, he's like really into politics but he doesn't read. Yeah, so he can't
back up any of his
opinions. It's hilarious, like he hates George Bush but he can't tell me why. I'm
like, dude,
you like George Bush? He's like, no. I'm like, why not? Because he sucks. I'm
like, why does he suck?
Because he's an idiot. I'm like, why is he an idiot? He's like, well, look at
him. All you gotta do is
look at him. He always has like really simple solutions to huge problems. Hey,
what should we
do about the Middle East? Dude, we should just nuke him. What? We don't need
him.
I'd love to see someone like that, like standing in front of a map on TV, just
going, dude,
we should just nuke all of this right here, right? Just nuke all... Oh, was
that us? All right,
over here, just nuke all of this. I actually, I actually love George Bush. I do.
You know what I love about
George Bush? He makes me feel like I could be president, too. Yeah.
Oh, seriously. He's like the first guy from my reading level, the first guy
from my math class,
you know? He's just like me. He doesn't like to prepare. You know, that guy
gives a speech. He just,
he just wings it. Just goes out on the White House lawn like, "What are we
talking about,
hurricanes? All right." "Ah, there was a hurricane. Ah, people are wet."
No, he sounds... He sounds like a little kid giving a book report who, like,
didn't read the book.
Like, he's just out there just, like, making up stuff. Some little kid out
there like,
"Ah, there was a dog, and he bit somebody, and they didn't like it."
Then we were talking about the Middle East and the problems over there, man.
Why don't we just make
a car that doesn't run on gas or oil? Then they'd all go broke, and we'd be
cool.
You know? You know what the problem is? We can't figure out how to make that
car.
Can't figure it out, which is amazing to me, because I can make a cell phone
call in North Dakota,
call somebody down in Florida. "Dude, what are you doing?" Me, I'm rubbing my
ass. You don't
believe me? Here's a picture. I can fax it down to him. He can text message me
back what a loser I am,
but they can't make this car. Can't figure it out. We just can't seem to get
the doohickey
into the widget. Yeah, once a year, you see some redneck on TV. He figures out
how to, like,
make his truck run on, like, ketchup. You know? It's always something really
simple.
Like, I took a lawnmower blade, some turnip juice, I combusted it, stuck a deer
antler in there,
and there he goes down the street. Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah,
gah, gah. Yeah.
Dude's a genius, but you never see him on TV again. I think those oil companies
send a hitman out the
next day. That's really interesting. Show us where the ketchup goes. Smash him
over the head.
So, I'm sick of hearing these stories about obese kids, you know? Every night
on the news,
they're telling us, like, how out of shape our kids are getting. You know, they're
saying it's an
epidemic. Not fat kids, not chubby kids, obese. You know, like, bedridden. Like,
just laying there.
Like, I had my first heart attack when I was four. I was riding my big wheel. I
couldn't feel my left
side. I slumped over. People, I don't want to be a jerk, but how do you get
that out of
shape that quick? I can see you're 30, 40 years old. You ate some fast food.
You got a little gut
going. Totally acceptable. But it's like, dude, you're five years old. There's
no excuse for that.
Your whole childhood, you're doing nothing but cardio. You run everywhere you
go. You're riding
your bike. Even when your parents go to tie your sneaker, you know, you're
moving your foot.
You're doing nothing but burning calories. It's the stupidest problem ever.
That's the
parents' fault. Stop feeding him. He doesn't have any money. He can't go get a
job to go pay for more
food. He's got to eat whatever you give him. Just put a plate of seaweed in
front of him. Go ahead,
eat it. I don't want to eat it. Good. Go to bed. Those are your options. I own
you until you're 18.
Do some jumping jacks. All right, I'm out of time. You guys have a lot of fun.
Thank you very much.
How are you? Good to see you again. Thank you very much. Sure. Bill Burr,
ladies and gentlemen. Nice job, Bill. Thank you. Thank you very much. We'll be
right back, everybody.