Name: Dave's Final Monologue: May 20, 2015 | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-05-20T15:00:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Final Monologue: May 20, 2015 | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Final Monologue: May 20, 2015 | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-20. Transcript available.

My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over.
Our long national nightmare is over.
Our long national nightmare is over.
Our long national nightmare is over.
Our long national nightmare is over.
Letterman is retiring.
You're just kidding, right?
From a magical place not found on any map,
it's The Late Show with David Letterman!
Tonight, a special downtown list and food fighters!
It's Paul Schaefer at the CBS Orchestra!
I'm Alan Coulter!
And now, a boy from a small town in Indiana!
David Letterman!
David Letterman!
David Letterman!
David Letterman!
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Hey, hey.
Thank you so much.
That's it, hey.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
That's very kind of you.
Please be seated.
I don't know what to do.
All right.
Thank you.
That's it.
That's it.
Stop it.
Stop it right there.
Don't make me.
Okay.
All right.
Sit down.
Thank you.
Don't make me.
Right there.
Don't make me.
Okay.
All right.
Sit down.
Thank you.
Don't make me.
Now.
See now what happens.
We don't have time for the giving gifts to the audience segment.
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to The Late Show.
I want to tell you one thing.
I'll be honest with you.
It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get The Tonight Show.
I don't think.
Nice point.
I don't think.
I'll tell you something else.
And I know people are well-meaning, but I am sick and tired.
Maybe, Paul, you get a little of this.
What are you going to do now that you're retired?
Yeah.
What are you going to do now that you're retired?
Well, okay.
All right.
You want to know what I'm going to do now that I'm retired?
Yeah.
By God, I hope to become the new face of Scientology.
Bravo.
Don't kid yourself.
Emotions are running high in this building.
I was talking with a sound guy backstage, Dutch.
Yes.
Yes.
Dutch.
Well, you know, come to think of it, that may not be his name.
For the last 20 years, I've been calling everybody Dutch.
Well, that's all right.
That's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Speaking of emotional farewells, here now is my goodbye, farewell statement to
the staff that took place earlier today.
I hope you enjoyed this.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's amazing.
Crack open wine.
I don't think I'm doing any work too.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Congrats.
Bye.
That was moving for all of us.
People say to me, Dave, when did you know it was time to retire?
And I said, well, there were signs.
There's always signs along the way.
And I think one of the signs was Todd, the cue card kid, came up to me and he
said, for the love of God, Dave, I can't write the words any bigger.
Remember that?
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Fine.
All right.
Oh, this is a great segment.
I love this segment.
The name of this segment is a comedy we would have done tomorrow.
You see, this is stuff, this is stuff we had planned for Thursday.
Okay.
I hope you enjoy it.
Hillary will personally apologize to you for financial improprieties in
exchange for a donation.
A Mad Max tie in promotion from Supercuts.
And Mike Huckabee's face on a thing.
That's comedy we would have done Thursday.
Well, here's some statistics.
Paul and I have been doing this show 33 years and that's 6,028 shows.
That's a lot of shows.
Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking.
And he, bless his heart, had done the math because he's a genius and stuff.
And 6,028 shows and he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight
minutes of laughter.
Now, here's the problem when you don't have your own show anymore.
Here's the problem.
When I screw up now, and Lord knows I'll be screwing up, I have to go on
somebody else's show to apologize.
That's the problem.
That's the problem.
That's the problem.
I'll tell you this, it's been hard on my family and I don't know where the
confusion happened.
I don't know where it began, but my son keeps saying, "Why does Daddy have to
go to prison?"
I don't know.
I remember, Paul, you remember this when we started the show, there were mixed
responses.
On the one hand, some people said that the show didn't have a chance.
Remember that?
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Half of the people said, "That show doesn't have a chance."
On the other hand, the other half of the people says, "That show doesn't have a
prayer."
That's a...
What do you...
I was having trouble sleeping last night because...
Has that been a...
Sure, oh yes, yes.
So I was up late and I was dialing around the channels and I came upon
something that I thought was sort of enjoyable.
So I ran it off, I put it on the thing, I brought it in and I'm going to show
it with you for a minute.
And I'm going to show it with you folks last now.
Maybe you saw it also.
Take a look at what I saw last night.
It broke the window again!
Gosh, homie, Dave's been on the air for 33 years.
Back then Bart and Lisa were kids and Maggie was still a baby.
Hmm.
Strange, isn't it?
Time gets away from me.
When we started the show, the biggest program, the hottest show on television,
you know what it was?
No.
Keeping up with the Gabor's.
Keeping up with the Gabor's.
Keeping up with the...
With the Gabor's.
That's a...
Time to...
Been around a long time on the air.
Way down in the vault.
Listen to this.
Help me out with something I don't know.
Do you remember Elian Gonzalez?
Yeah.
What a case that was.
The kid in Cuba and where should he go?
The United States.
And he's been in Cuba.
Well, you're not going to believe this.
The kid is 21 years old.
21 years old now.
And yesterday, he announced that he wants to come back to America.
Now, my question to you is, should I take this personally?
Mmm.
Okay, thanks.
But, and here's the best part of all.
My good friend Paul, more than a guy who's on television with me every night.
Great friend, best friend, and a wonderful guy.
Yes, thank you.
We...
No, wait a minute.
We are going to continue in show business.
Next month will be June in Las Vegas, which, by the way, is the time to go to
Las Vegas.
Paul and I will be debuting our new act at Caesars Palace with our White Tigers.
Yes, we are.
Yes, we are.
And, uh...
We have some new illusions.
We have some new illusions planned as well.
Oh.
Like I said, a lot of stuff confuses me.
And, uh, here's something else.
But I guess they're trying to be supportive.
I guess they're trying to be well-meaning.
I guess they're trying to be well-meaning.
You know that, uh, show.
It's not Jeopardy.
It's the other one.
Uh, Wheel of Fortune.
Wheel of Jeopardy.
Wheel of Fortune.
Wheel of Fortune.
Wheel of Fortune.
Yeah.
Look at this.
It's toss-up time again.
It's our third of the night.
Good riddance to David Letterman.
It's our final show, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back for tonight's Top's Endless.
Thank you very much.
After the break, a special Top's Endless.
I've been given five seconds in which to express to everyone.
here at The Late Show, just how much I truly, that's, that's it.
Okay.