Name: Can This Kid Parallel Park on 53rd Street? | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-05-29T15:00:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Can This Kid Parallel Park on 53rd Street? | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Can This Kid Parallel Park on 53rd Street? | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-29. Transcript available.

I guess it's been a couple of weeks ago, I'm sorry, a couple of months ago, we
did something
that was, I think, turned out pretty good. Turned out very nice. I'd never seen
anything
like this before on television. And it all started, we were talking about when
we got
our driver's license. Now, Paul, how old do you have to be to drive a car in
Canada?
16.
16. How old were you when you got your driver's license?
I was 16. Got it right away, right after my birthday.
And who taught you how to drive your car when you were in Canada?
Well, my dad did.
Your dad took you out?
Yeah.
And were you good at it immediately?
Well, no. We had some rough times taking the license. It's a lot of pressure.
Yeah. You're not supposed to do it. You're not supposed to have a relative
teach you.
No. And I know why.
Yeah.
A lot of that. A lot of that, yeah.
A lot of anger, a lot of contention.
So it's tough, yeah. It's a high-pressure situation.
You never took any driver's in or anything?
No, just my dad teaching me. I passed the exam right away.
But did you get a learner's permit?
Yeah, you get a learner's permit for it. You don't have to do anything to get
that.
Right.
I don't think.
Yeah. But in Canada, the winters are so long that you probably didn't really
get out on
the road till when?
Well, that's the thing, you know.
Yeah.
It's dark 24 hours a day, so, you know, as far as night driving.
Paul Schaefer.
You've got a lot of practice at night driving.
It's a little known fact.
Paul Schaefer was raised by huskies above the Arctic Circle.
Way up there, yeah.
Well, actually lived above the Arctic Circle.
Yeah.
Land of the midnight sun.
It's cold 25 months here.
Right. Well, where I went to school in Indianapolis, Indiana, you get to be,
like, 15 years old,
and then you sign up for driver's ed.
Oh, you're kidding.
High school.
Fifteen.
Fifteen.
Fifteen, yeah.
Oh, I know.
Fifteen.
And then you take the class, you take the driver's ed class in high school, and
you actually
get credit, and you are taught to drive by a responsible professional
instructor, and
in my case, I was taught to drive by a squatty lesbian.
Squatty lesbian.
I remember that.
Huh?
I remember that fact.
Yeah, you mentioned that last time.
Squatty lesbian taught you how to drive.
She was an excellent driver.
Yeah, I'm sure.
She was an excellent driver, and because of the great tutelage, the mentoring I
received
from her, I consider myself to be a very good driver.
I'm sure you're a good driver, yeah.
I've been, I won't kid you, I have been sighted.
But just because, just because you're fast, doesn't mean you're not good.
Yeah, yeah.
So, anyway, one thing led to another.
We brought a bunch of high school kids out here onto 53rd Street who were
trying to get
their, they had their learner's permit and were practicing to take the driver's
test to
get their license, and one young kid by the name of Paul Fiore, such a nice
fellow, and
he's taking the test, I guess, in October, and he, he didn't have much luck
parallel parking.
That's what we were trying to do on 53rd Street, so we just thought, because he's
got
to get some practice, we would invite him back here tonight to practice his
parallel parking
out on 53rd Street, so, folks, do me a favor, say hello now to Paul Fiore.
Paul, can you hear me?
Hi, Paul.
Hey.
How are you?
I'm all right.
Welcome back.
Thanks.
Thanks for having me.
How are you doing, Paul?
Everything good for you?
Everything's great, yeah.
How are things going in school?
Things in school are good.
Well, what year are you in school?
I'm in 10th grade.
10th grade.
Now, what is that?
That means sophomore?
Sophomore, yeah.
And, uh, girlfriends?
Do you have girlfriends?
No, no girlfriends.
Yeah.
And that, that's why you want to get this license, because, you know, you'd be
like a babe magnet,
my friend.
You get that, you get that ride working, my friend.
What do you, what do you like doing at school?
What do you, are you a good student?
What kind of grades do you get?
I get, like, B's and C's.
B's and C's?
That's a bit.
Yeah.
What's your best subject?
Um, maybe English.
Yeah.
Now, last time, the answer was, uh, maybe English.
Now, Paul, the last time, I know it was difficult because, uh, you know, the
television cameras
and the people watching and you're on TV and so on and so forth, you must have
been very
nervous around a parallel park.
Evaluate for me your performance last time.
How do you think it went?
Not too good.
Not too good, yeah.
Now, now, have you, have you done some practice since you've been here?
No, I haven't.
So, this is your, you know, you know what you need, my friend?
You need some seat time.
I'll tell it to you straight.
You just need seat time.
That's all it takes.
Who's the gentleman with you on the right there?
This is my Uncle Mike.
Hi, Mike.
How you doing, buddy?
Nice to see you.
Now, last time, your dad was here?
Yes.
Yeah.
And is this the same car or a different car?
Same car.
Oh, this is nice.
This is a, uh, 92 Thunderbird, huh?
Mm-hmm.
How many miles you got on it?
Uh, 59.
59.
One, seven, three.
Uh, maybe not math.
Uh, maybe not math.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
That's all right.
Paul, I want to tell you something, buddy.
You're the man.
Don't get shook here.
You're the man.
So, you know what we're going to do?
Uh, the big test is in October, right?
Mm-hmm.
And it's a written test and it's a driving test.
No, it's just driving.
It's a driving test.
Yeah, I passed my written test already.
Passed the written test.
So, you're as good as gold, then.
All you got to do is park it.
All you got to do is hit that three-pointer.
Yeah.
The pressure is on.
Coming right down to the end of the game.
You got to sink it, my friend.
So, we're going to give you a little, uh, seat time, as we said here.
And, uh, it's just a simple parallel park.
You've had time to think about it.
All right, take it away, son.
Here we go.
Paul Fiore.
Parallel parking, 54th Street.
Big examination coming up in October.
Turns it over.
There we go.
Right out there on 53rd Street, right in front of the Rupert G.
Hello, Deli.
Plenty of room.
That's about four New York City parking spaces.
You could put one of those Carnival cruise ships in that space.
I can tell you now,
the audience doesn't like what they see here.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Okay, let's see what he can see.
If he can clean this up a little bit.
Power steering is now making this noise.
Okay, I'm going to call this off.
Paul, I tell you what, I tell you what.
Uh, we're going to call this one off, all right?
All right.
Because it looks to me like this is just about what you did last time.
You know what I'm saying?
Here, take a look at the videotape of last time that Paul was on the show.
There we go.
See, it's got this same kind of deal.
All right.
I tell you what, Paul, are you still there, buddy?
Yeah.
Do me a favor, do some deep breathing.
Paul, are you there?
Yeah.
Do some deep breathing.
Relax, compose yourself, get a hold, and we'll try it one more time.
I'll give you one more chance.
All right.
Okay.
We're out on 53rd Street tonight.
We've got Mike Fiore.
Let's see Mike again.
Paul, rather.
Yeah.
It's Paul Fiore and his uncle Mike.
I'm sorry about that, Paul.
Now, Paul, when your buddies at school, your friends and so forth,
find out that you're trying to parallel park on television,
are they okay about that, or do they make your life kind of miserable?
I got a lot of ridicule about what I did last time.
This, my friend, is your chance to redeem yourself.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Yeah, I do.
Now, you know, on the last time you were on the show,
I came out at the end of the program and tried to parallel park.
It's not that easy, you know, because everybody expects you to be like Zorro.
You know what I'm saying?
There was a guy who could parallel park that Zorro.
Zorro, yeah.
And it's hard.
Paul is from Nutley, New Jersey, attends Nutley High School.
What do you think?
Now, what do you think was wrong there?
See, I'll tell you what.
Here's what they told me, the squatty lesbian that taught me how to drive.
You pull up next to the car and you want your uncle's shoulder even with the
left rear bumper
of the car in front of you.
You understand what I'm saying?
Yeah.
You want that door frame even with that bumper.
And you want to be a little closer than, you know, 30 feet.
Yeah.
It seems like you're still way, way out there.
You know what I mean?
You've got to be a little closer.
Don't worry about tapping that car.
It's just a rental.
What the hell do you care?
You're a kid.
You don't even have your license.
They're not coming after you.
Okay, so here's what you do.
Pull your car, pull that Thunderbird, pull that T-bird.
That's for you and your buddy, T-bird.
Yeah.
Pull that, pull that right up, right up next to the car so it's evened up at
both ends.
Right.
And slowly back it up so Mike's shoulder is even with the left rear bumper.
Then you think about your car.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
And you're on your own.
All right.
Okay, let's see what you can do.
Here we go.
This time, hey, Paul.
Yeah.
Let's really get it done.
All right?
Here we go.
Watch the back up.
Yeah.
You want to be a little closer.
I think you want to be a little closer.
You want to be a little closer.
You want to be a little closer.
Got it?
Got it?
Got it.
Come on.
Now, wait a minute.
Let's give it.
You still got a shot.
Clean it up.
See what you can do here.
Clean it up.
Here.
There you go.
That's all right.
We could.
Yeah, there's Mike.
Whoa.
Pretty good.
Got to hand it to the kid.
Nice going, Paul.
Thank you.
Nice job.
As far as I'm concerned, you can drive home, my friend.
You got the license.
Nice going.
Thank you, Mike.
Thanks for coming over to help out.
Mike.
Paul Fiore.