Name: Dr. Phil Has A Beef With Dave | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-05-30T22:00:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dr. Phil Has A Beef With Dave | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dr. Phil Has A Beef With Dave | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-30. Transcript available.

Our first guest is the best-selling author and the host of a very popular
television program entitled Dr. Phil.
And last week he had this to say about me.
I'm thinking about going to New York on Monday and dropping in on Letterman.
I might just stop by there and just kind of open up a serious can of whoop-ass.
What? What? You see what I'm saying? He's a hothead.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's Dr. Phil. Nice to see you.
So how are you?
I'm good, thank you very much.
I want my check.
Now, I've been working here six months. I want my money.
How long have you been on the air?
Six months.
Six months?
And we've been doing that every night for about six months.
And when you first heard about it, were you angry? Were you upset?
No, see, the truth is I've been a real fan of yours for years.
I mean, I know you're much older than I am.
I've really grown up with you over the years.
I remember back when I was a kid, I used to really look up to you.
But no, I've always, I've watched a lot of them.
I was worried that you were going to be angry and that you would never be on
the show.
Because a lot of big stars don't do that.
They just get upset and then they never come anywhere near the show again.
Well, see, you don't know yet whether I am or not.
Whether you're upset or not?
Yeah.
But see, I think the fact that you're here demonstrates a certain measure of
equanimity.
See, I couldn't get, what?
I couldn't get, I couldn't get mad because it was pretty funny.
I actually have some of my favorites.
I love some of them that you did.
I particularly like the book that you had me writing.
More advice Dr. Phil just pulled out of his ass.
I thought it was pretty good.
Now, one time, I just want to apologize for this because one time, early on, I
referred
to you as a dangerous quack.
Now, I didn't know what I was talking about and I just, I just want you, what
do you have
there?
Um, actually, I'd like to go over some of the things you've called.
Oh, okay.
Oh, this would, this would be good.
Uh, pothead, magician, hump, uh, I look like the guy that approves your check
at the supermarket.
Well, come on, doesn't he?
Uh, I don't know, I know this is just an hour show, but I mean, you're the one
that said
him.
Evil genius, bonehead, pinhead, complainer, whiner, dopey, loopy, 300-pound fat
boy, uh,
weasel, half-baked quack, quack, and meddling son of a bitch.
Oh, that's it.
You know, I can't, I can't imagine, I can't imagine why people don't come on
your show.
Now, because, I mean, how did I qualify for all these?
I mean, I've known some pinheads, I've known some boneheads, but how do you get
to be all
of those things at one time?
Well, we got an hour to fill every night.
You know what that's like.
Uh, well, and again, even more of the reason why we should thank you for being
here.
I had no idea that you'd accumulated that level of evidence.
Oh, I have more.
Oh, you have more.
I have more.
Now, let's talk a little bit about how you began and how this started, because
you didn't
always start out being on TV, did you?
No, I actually had a real job.
What were you doing?
Well, it really was kind of a real job.
On my day job, I've worked as a litigation consultant for a long time.
I don't know what that means.
Well, you, we do trial strategy, pick juries, do mock trials, all sorts of
things like that.
Right.
And is that legal?
Can you do that legally?
Uh, well, I think so.
I mean, you coach juries, you coach witnesses, what do you do?
No, we don't coach them.
There's a, we just teach them to tell the truth effectively.
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
And, and it was in this role that you, you met Oprah, is that right?
I did, I, I met Oprah, working on her trial team up in Amarillo, when she, uh,
got a little
crossways with the cattle boys.
And, and what was that all about?
She, she was saying that the, if you ate meat, it would kill you or something?
Not exactly.
It, it, but it was the, uh, the, uh, mad cow thing, right?
It was the mad cow thing.
Right, right.
But, I mean, she just was holding a public debate on the safety of our food
supply, and
some people decided to try to turn that into cash.
Right, and it didn't work.
Didn't work.
And, and, and you became good friends with Oprah at that point?
I did.
I worked with her for about a year leading up to the trial, and then, you know,
the trial,
you know, took forever and all.
Right.
So, I've been knowing her seven or eight years.
And how long was she in prison?
Uh, actually, she never actually did any hard time.
I see.
She didn't do any hard time.
Community service?
Yeah, she just purely community service.
Uh, now, now, has Oprah ever mentioned me to you?
No.
No, she hadn't.
I, I heard you say the other night that you were worried that she hated you.
Well, not worried.
I know it for a fact, Dr. Phil.
That's a true story.
No, she doesn't hate you, as far as you know.
But we, we used to be, and, and, and I wanted to be on her show because I
thought it would
be great, you know, to be on that show.
And, and, and, and because I haven't been on there before, and all of the big
stars are
on, you've been on, you used to be on, for Evan's sake.
Yeah.
And then, and then she wouldn't have me on the show.
But the show you need to be on is mine.
Yeah.
The show you need to be on is mine.
Right.
Now, I have a, oh no, not another list.
Oh God.
I have an opening.
We do, we're going to do neurotics next Tuesday.
We're going to do psychotics Thursday and Friday.
Now, do I strike you as neurotic?
Um, well, actually, this is the first time I've ever met you.
Right.
But I'm, it's, I'm a pretty quick study.
I don't know.
Now, now, give me a definition, like a quick textbook definition of neurosis.
What is a neurotic?
Uh, do, can we get a mirror?
No, I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
You, you asked me to come here.
Yeah, no, no, I'm, I'm interested because I think you can help me.
Yeah.
Um, well, neurotics are people that do things that don't really work, but they
just keep
on doing them.
Right.
You know, it's just, it just, they just don't seem to.
That's right.
They just don't seem to be able to get a relationship that sticks.
Yes.
They're real reclusive sometimes.
Right.
You know, they drive real fast.
Uh, and, and is there, uh, I mean, if I were to come and see you, how long
would it
take me before you could fix me, before I would notice a positive change in my
life?
Before I could diagnose you or fix you?
Well, before you could help me.
Diagnosis would be 15, 20 seconds.
Uh-huh.
Uh, and fixing would be 15 or 20 years, probably.
And, seriously, you, and, you know, we don't, we don't really try to do eight
minute cures.
Right.
On our show.
We just try to give people a little wake-up call.
Uh-huh.
So then they can go do what they need to do.
Well, give me a little wake-up call.
I'm tired of being asleep.
I'm tired of sleeping my life away.
Well, you could use that on your show.
What is it you would like help with?
Um, I just...
What is it you would like the most help with, Dave?
Well, I find that a lot of people just don't like me.
You know?
And, and that's, that's no way to go through your life.
Would you like to go back over the list?
Well, for example, our friend Oprah.
Yeah.
I, I have great admiration for Oprah, uh, and we would, uh, love to have a
positive, strong
relationship with Oprah, but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards.
Well, but, you see, it's like my dad used to say, you wouldn't worry so much
what people
thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.
Well, now wait a minute.
So, so my problem really isn't my behavior, it's just worrying about my
behavior.
It's just worrying about your behavior.
Oh, so then I'm fine.
But you know, the...
Thank you, Dr. Phil!
You know, the, the truth is, you, I mean, that's not true people don't like you.
It's like you say you're surprised that I'm coming on here.
Man, I tell you, if you can't laugh at yourself and have some fun, then go get,
go do something
else.
Absolutely, there you go.
Take yourself too damn seriously.
He knows exactly what he's talking about.
See there?
Yeah.
Something we could agree on.
That's right.
But, you know, isn't that true, though?
Well, yeah.
I mean, you're thin-skinned, you need to get out of the public eye.
That's right, exactly.
And, and like I say, we've done this for 20 years, and then there's some people
like
yourself who get it, and then a lot of other people who don't get it.
Yeah, and I, and I know that we need to go to break here, because I've done
some television
now for six months in a row, but before we do, but before we do, I think we
should have
some words of wisdom from Dave.
For me?
Yeah, can we do that?
Oh, good, yes.
You have them all ready to go?
I have them all ready to go.
All right, my words of wisdom.
I think being a lesbian is a lifetime commitment.
I was watching one of your shows today.
I don't know whether it was the show that was on today or a show from last week.
I don't know how recent it was.
But you had a man and a wife, a nice-looking couple, and here was the deal.
The, the guy says that he can't trust his wife.
And, and can't trust her not in the way you would think he can't trust her.
He can't trust her because she is secretly bankrupting him.
She, she is stealing his money and cashing his checks and, and taking tax money
and spending
it on shoes and stuff.
I remember that.
And, and, and he went down to, to Mexico and either did meet another woman or
didn't meet
another woman.
So now they're just like that.
And I'm thinking to myself, well, just send them out.
They're done.
Why even, why even waste the time?
I mean, isn't that marriage pretty much over?
Actually, no, you can recover from those.
But he, he can't even trust her with the checkbook, let alone anything else in
his life.
Well, take the checkbook back then.
Right.
You know, I mean, I, I, sometimes I wonder, people always ask me, are, are, are
problems
really as simple as they seem on your show?
And the problems aren't simple.
People aren't simple, but aren't the solutions usually pretty simple?
You know, it's kind of like you raise your arm and it hurts, then don't raise
it anymore.
I mean, you know, I mean, could do something different.
Yeah.
But if you're miserable in your marriage, get a divorce.
Don't raise your arm, get a divorce.
And, and, and she, she had sworn vengeance against the guy that she was going
to take
him down because she, I don't know what her problem was.
Yeah.
I, and, and I don't much believe in, I think there is a point where you quit.
Yeah.
I mean, I've always thought, you know, you, you can call me a sumbitch, but you're
going
to do it long distance.
You know, I'm going to have you right there in the house every day, you know,
if that's
how you feel about it.
But, but you can, you work through a lot of that stuff.
Now, how do you get people on the show?
I mean, you're pretty much coming on, they're admitting that they're screwed up.
Well, we don't look at it exactly that way, Dave.
No, actually, we just stop cars out on Melrose.
I'm a pretty big guy.
I can get them in there.
No, people write in.
I mean, we get thousands and thousands of letters, letters every day.
Have you ever had anything go haywire?
Some advice that you've given, oh geez, later you find out it was maybe not the
exact advice
you should have been given?
Well, sometimes I don't even know it.
You were talking about Claire Harris down in Houston.
I mean, when she was giving her testimony, they sent me a little clip from that
station
down there that she held up one of my books and said, well, the Relationship
Rescue, and
said, yeah, I just got through reading this book.
And I thought that right before you ran over your husband, that's not good.
That's not good advertising.
No, it's not.
Oh, man.
You can't believe I even brought it up, can you?
What do you make of a guy like this Michael Jackson?
Well, he's weird, isn't he?
Well, he has some unique characteristics, don't you?
Somebody said the other day, it's the only country in America that you can be
born a black
child, a black male, and grow up to be a white woman.
And I don't think...
Words of wisdom again.
I don't think that's exactly right.
But you know, the truth is, every time I see someone that is really acting in
an unusual
way, I always look behind it and ask yourself why.
We have no idea what those kids grew up with.
Right.
But isn't the underlying cause for most aberrant or even strange or slightly
unusual behavior,
insecurity, isn't that what we all suffer from?
Well, our number one fear is rejection.
You know, we don't want to be rejected.
So, yeah, people get pretty insecure.
Now, do you get involved with these people or is it just for television?
I mean, do you care about them or is it just, you run them in and you run them
out or, do
you follow up and see how things are going with them?
No, they're just, they're out the back door and we don't even see them.
Now, what kind of question is that?
I don't know.
What kind of question is that?
I don't keep in touch with most of my guests.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're going to keep in touch with me.
All right.
So, the truth is, the truth is we follow up on 100% of our guests.
Now, some of them are just there for an answer.
You give it to them, they go on, we check and see how they're doing.
But if it's somebody that really has a serious problem, then we arrange after
care for them.
We follow up.
We have them back on the show.
We got a show next week of everybody that disagreed with me.
And thought I was just full of crap and want to argue, so we just bring them
back and just let them debate.
Do you ever get tired of people and their problems?
Do you ever just think, oh, I mean, just, there's so many.
And usually there's just, there's a lot of jerks in the world.
Have you found that?
There are a lot of jerks in the world.
Hey, wait a minute.
I didn't say anything.
I didn't say, no, there are a lot of jerks in the world.
No, it sounds like a word game, but the truth is I like to think about myself
dealing with solutions instead of problems.
Because if you just enmesh yourself in a problem, it'll drive you crazy.
I like to think about dealing with the good side, the upside.
But don't you find it true in most cases that people just lack, they know what
to do, but they just lack the courage to do the right thing?
Yeah, they need a push.
I mean, really, everybody says, you know, I'm like Mr. Accountability.
You're not accountable once you met me.
You were accountable all along.
I just brought it up and reminded you of it.
Because I don't care what happens at the end of the day, you are responsible
for you.
That's right.
And here, I would like to go on record as saying tonight, this man did the
right thing by coming here.
Don't you think, Paul?
Oh, yes!
Dr. Phil.
Thanks a lot, Dave.
I enjoyed it.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you very much.
I enjoyed it.
There he is, ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Phil.
We'll be right back with Beck, everybody.

Dr. Phil Has A Beef With Dave | Letterman

Our first guest is the best-selling author and the host of a very popular
television program entitled Dr. Phil.
And last week he had this to say about me.
I'm thinking about going to New York on Monday and dropping in on Letterman.
I might just stop by there and just kind of open up a serious can of whoop-ass.
What? What? You see what I'm saying? He's a hothead.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's Dr. Phil. Nice to see you.
So how are you?
I'm good, thank you very much.
I want my check.
Now, I've been working here six months. I want my money.
How long have you been on the air?
Six months.
Six months?
And we've been doing that every night for about six months.
And when you first heard about it, were you angry? Were you upset?
No, see, the truth is I've been a real fan of yours for years.
I mean, I know you're much older than I am.
I've really grown up with you over the years.
I remember back when I was a kid, I used to really look up to you.
But no, I've always, I've watched a lot of them.
I was worried that you were going to be angry and that you would never be on
the show.
Because a lot of big stars don't do that.
They just get upset and then they never come anywhere near the show again.
Well, see, you don't know yet whether I am or not.
Whether you're upset or not?
Yeah.
But see, I think the fact that you're here demonstrates a certain measure of
equanimity.
See, I couldn't get, what?
I couldn't get, I couldn't get mad because it was pretty funny.
I actually have some of my favorites.
I love some of them that you did.
I particularly like the book that you had me writing.
More advice Dr. Phil just pulled out of his ass.
I thought it was pretty good.
Now, one time, I just want to apologize for this because one time, early on, I
referred
to you as a dangerous quack.
Now, I didn't know what I was talking about and I just, I just want you, what
do you have
there?
Um, actually, I'd like to go over some of the things you've called.
Oh, okay.
Oh, this would, this would be good.
Uh, pothead, magician, hump, uh, I look like the guy that approves your check
at the supermarket.
Well, come on, doesn't he?
Uh, I don't know, I know this is just an hour show, but I mean, you're the one
that said
him.
Evil genius, bonehead, pinhead, complainer, whiner, dopey, loopy, 300-pound fat
boy, uh,
weasel, half-baked quack, quack, and meddling son of a bitch.
Oh, that's it.
You know, I can't, I can't imagine, I can't imagine why people don't come on
your show.
Now, because, I mean, how did I qualify for all these?
I mean, I've known some pinheads, I've known some boneheads, but how do you get
to be all
of those things at one time?
Well, we got an hour to fill every night.
You know what that's like.
Uh, well, and again, even more of the reason why we should thank you for being
here.
I had no idea that you'd accumulated that level of evidence.
Oh, I have more.
Oh, you have more.
I have more.
Now, let's talk a little bit about how you began and how this started, because
you didn't
always start out being on TV, did you?
No, I actually had a real job.
What were you doing?
Well, it really was kind of a real job.
On my day job, I've worked as a litigation consultant for a long time.
I don't know what that means.
Well, you, we do trial strategy, pick juries, do mock trials, all sorts of
things like that.
Right.
And is that legal?
Can you do that legally?
Uh, well, I think so.
I mean, you coach juries, you coach witnesses, what do you do?
No, we don't coach them.
There's a, we just teach them to tell the truth effectively.
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
And, and it was in this role that you, you met Oprah, is that right?
I did, I, I met Oprah, working on her trial team up in Amarillo, when she, uh,
got a little
crossways with the cattle boys.
And, and what was that all about?
She, she was saying that the, if you ate meat, it would kill you or something?
Not exactly.
It, it, but it was the, uh, the, uh, mad cow thing, right?
It was the mad cow thing.
Right, right.
But, I mean, she just was holding a public debate on the safety of our food
supply, and
some people decided to try to turn that into cash.
Right, and it didn't work.
Didn't work.
And, and, and you became good friends with Oprah at that point?
I did.
I worked with her for about a year leading up to the trial, and then, you know,
the trial,
you know, took forever and all.
Right.
So, I've been knowing her seven or eight years.
And how long was she in prison?
Uh, actually, she never actually did any hard time.
I see.
She didn't do any hard time.
Community service?
Yeah, she just purely community service.
Uh, now, now, has Oprah ever mentioned me to you?
No.
No, she hadn't.
I, I heard you say the other night that you were worried that she hated you.
Well, not worried.
I know it for a fact, Dr. Phil.
That's a true story.
No, she doesn't hate you, as far as you know.
But we, we used to be, and, and, and I wanted to be on her show because I
thought it would
be great, you know, to be on that show.
And, and, and, and because I haven't been on there before, and all of the big
stars are
on, you've been on, you used to be on, for Evan's sake.
Yeah.
And then, and then she wouldn't have me on the show.
But the show you need to be on is mine.
Yeah.
The show you need to be on is mine.
Right.
Now, I have a, oh no, not another list.
Oh God.
I have an opening.
We do, we're going to do neurotics next Tuesday.
We're going to do psychotics Thursday and Friday.
Now, do I strike you as neurotic?
Um, well, actually, this is the first time I've ever met you.
Right.
But I'm, it's, I'm a pretty quick study.
I don't know.
Now, now, give me a definition, like a quick textbook definition of neurosis.
What is a neurotic?
Uh, do, can we get a mirror?
No, I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
You, you asked me to come here.
Yeah, no, no, I'm, I'm interested because I think you can help me.
Yeah.
Um, well, neurotics are people that do things that don't really work, but they
just keep
on doing them.
Right.
You know, it's just, it just, they just don't seem to.
That's right.
They just don't seem to be able to get a relationship that sticks.
Yes.
They're real reclusive sometimes.
Right.
You know, they drive real fast.
Uh, and, and is there, uh, I mean, if I were to come and see you, how long
would it
take me before you could fix me, before I would notice a positive change in my
life?
Before I could diagnose you or fix you?
Well, before you could help me.
Diagnosis would be 15, 20 seconds.
Uh-huh.
Uh, and fixing would be 15 or 20 years, probably.
And, seriously, you, and, you know, we don't, we don't really try to do eight
minute cures.
Right.
On our show.
We just try to give people a little wake-up call.
Uh-huh.
So then they can go do what they need to do.
Well, give me a little wake-up call.
I'm tired of being asleep.
I'm tired of sleeping my life away.
Well, you could use that on your show.
What is it you would like help with?
Um, I just...
What is it you would like the most help with, Dave?
Well, I find that a lot of people just don't like me.
You know?
And, and that's, that's no way to go through your life.
Would you like to go back over the list?
Well, for example, our friend Oprah.
Yeah.
I, I have great admiration for Oprah, uh, and we would, uh, love to have a
positive, strong
relationship with Oprah, but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards.
Well, but, you see, it's like my dad used to say, you wouldn't worry so much
what people
thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.
Well, now wait a minute.
So, so my problem really isn't my behavior, it's just worrying about my
behavior.
It's just worrying about your behavior.
Oh, so then I'm fine.
But you know, the...
Thank you, Dr. Phil!
You know, the, the truth is, you, I mean, that's not true people don't like you.
It's like you say you're surprised that I'm coming on here.
Man, I tell you, if you can't laugh at yourself and have some fun, then go get,
go do something
else.
Absolutely, there you go.
Take yourself too damn seriously.
He knows exactly what he's talking about.
See there?
Yeah.
Something we could agree on.
That's right.
But, you know, isn't that true, though?
Well, yeah.
I mean, you're thin-skinned, you need to get out of the public eye.
That's right, exactly.
And, and like I say, we've done this for 20 years, and then there's some people
like
yourself who get it, and then a lot of other people who don't get it.
Yeah, and I, and I know that we need to go to break here, because I've done
some television
now for six months in a row, but before we do, but before we do, I think we
should have
some words of wisdom from Dave.
For me?
Yeah, can we do that?
Oh, good, yes.
You have them all ready to go?
I have them all ready to go.
All right, my words of wisdom.
I think being a lesbian is a lifetime commitment.
I was watching one of your shows today.
I don't know whether it was the show that was on today or a show from last week.
I don't know how recent it was.
But you had a man and a wife, a nice-looking couple, and here was the deal.
The, the guy says that he can't trust his wife.
And, and can't trust her not in the way you would think he can't trust her.
He can't trust her because she is secretly bankrupting him.
She, she is stealing his money and cashing his checks and, and taking tax money
and spending
it on shoes and stuff.
I remember that.
And, and, and he went down to, to Mexico and either did meet another woman or
didn't meet
another woman.
So now they're just like that.
And I'm thinking to myself, well, just send them out.
They're done.
Why even, why even waste the time?
I mean, isn't that marriage pretty much over?
Actually, no, you can recover from those.
But he, he can't even trust her with the checkbook, let alone anything else in
his life.
Well, take the checkbook back then.
Right.
You know, I mean, I, I, sometimes I wonder, people always ask me, are, are, are
problems
really as simple as they seem on your show?
And the problems aren't simple.
People aren't simple, but aren't the solutions usually pretty simple?
You know, it's kind of like you raise your arm and it hurts, then don't raise
it anymore.
I mean, you know, I mean, could do something different.
Yeah.
But if you're miserable in your marriage, get a divorce.
Don't raise your arm, get a divorce.
And, and, and she, she had sworn vengeance against the guy that she was going
to take
him down because she, I don't know what her problem was.
Yeah.
I, and, and I don't much believe in, I think there is a point where you quit.
Yeah.
I mean, I've always thought, you know, you, you can call me a sumbitch, but you're
going
to do it long distance.
You know, I'm going to have you right there in the house every day, you know,
if that's
how you feel about it.
But, but you can, you work through a lot of that stuff.
Now, how do you get people on the show?
I mean, you're pretty much coming on, they're admitting that they're screwed up.
Well, we don't look at it exactly that way, Dave.
No, actually, we just stop cars out on Melrose.
I'm a pretty big guy.
I can get them in there.
No, people write in.
I mean, we get thousands and thousands of letters, letters every day.
Have you ever had anything go haywire?
Some advice that you've given, oh geez, later you find out it was maybe not the
exact advice
you should have been given?
Well, sometimes I don't even know it.
You were talking about Claire Harris down in Houston.
I mean, when she was giving her testimony, they sent me a little clip from that
station
down there that she held up one of my books and said, well, the Relationship
Rescue, and
said, yeah, I just got through reading this book.
And I thought that right before you ran over your husband, that's not good.
That's not good advertising.
No, it's not.
Oh, man.
You can't believe I even brought it up, can you?
What do you make of a guy like this Michael Jackson?
Well, he's weird, isn't he?
Well, he has some unique characteristics, don't you?
Somebody said the other day, it