Name: The Complete Works Of Lyle The Intern | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-06-06T22:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Complete Works Of Lyle The Intern | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Complete Works Of Lyle The Intern | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-06. Transcript available.

The Complete Works Of Lyle The Intern | Letterman

Here's good news. We got to the bottom earlier. The phone rang and it turns out
it was a, it was, turns out it was a, it was a wrong number. I'm sorry. Hi, how
are you? Can I, can I help you with something? How you doing, man? Good. I'm
fine. I just want to let you know that I'm, I'm digging your whole vibe you got
going over here, man. Great. I love what you got going. I'm loving your scene,
the whole scene, man. I love it. Thank you very much. Yeah. It's good stuff.
That's great.
Uh, I, you know, I don't know your name. Lyle. Lyle the intern. Oh, Lyle. How
you doing? Oh, Lyle the intern. Yeah. People call me Lyle. Easy way to remember
it. Just think Lyle the intern. Uh-huh. Okay. And, uh, college kid? Where'd you
go to school? Uh, school of life. Right. Uh, I couldn't be happier that you're
part of the intern program, Lyle, but, uh, you know, we're right in the middle
of a show. That's cool, man. Relax. Don't want to squeeze your yam bags or
nothing.
But I was wondering, uh, wondering what? Well, you, me. Yeah. Tonight, we go to
McGee's pub. You are my wingman.
I, I, I don't, uh, I don't know what that means.
Well, you, you got me, Roscoe. Okay. You bring him in. Lyle shoots him down.
We meet some hot chicks. We take them out. We get some shrimp scampi. We do
some dancing. We get some more drinks. Then we go back to your house for some
dancing in the dark.
No, no, no. We're not. Uh, as much fun as that sounds, Lyle, we're not, uh, we're
not going back to my house. I'm sorry.
It's cool, buttercup. Just shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Don't get upset.
Okay, fine. I'm sorry.
I feel like, I feel like I let you down.
No, no, no, no.
I mean, you and me, we're the same.
Right, right. We are.
Yeah, all right. Stop. Stop making that sound.
Now, um, Lyle, don't you have to get back to work?
Oh, I'm working it, Dave.
Yeah, I'm working it right now.
Okay, all right.
All you ladies out there know what I'm talking about, right?
Yeah, I guess.
Huh?
Listen, any of you girls out there feeling the Lyle vibe right about now, you
want to meet for a drinky drink, you just show up at the theater here tonight.
What was that last little thing there?
I said, if you want to meet for a drinky drink, you just show up here at the
theater tonight.
Oh, okay.
Make it around 10-ish.
10-ish, good.
Oh, yeah, and bring an easy friend for Dingus over here.
I'm sorry, what?
You know what I'm saying, Paul?
You feel me?
What?
You got me?
What the hell?
Thanks, Lyle.
Wow.
I didn't even know we had Lyle.
Lyle the intern.
We had a great show for you tonight.
Regis Philbin is here, and Arthur Joseph.
It's going to be a, oh, hi.
Hi, can I help you?
You're Lyle, right?
Yeah, you know me, Dingus.
Yeah.
In turn.
Lyle, that's right.
Lyle the intern.
I go on ahead with the funhouse, though.
I just need a minute.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Just scored with a costume, lady.
Lyle needs to take a little breathing.
Yeah.
Now, Lyle, you know we're in the middle of a show here.
Yeah, and the delicious one it is.
Uh-huh.
Expect a few pats on the back when this baby drops.
Right, uh, now, um, Lyle, don't you, don't you have something to do?
We're all God's children, David.
We've all got work to do.
Uh-huh.
You sure I am?
Hey, are we on for Saturday?
Uh, yeah, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about, Lyle.
I'm sorry.
You and me, we're going to head to the airport Marriott,
chat up some strangers, make a little love connection.
Most of them are nice and desperate, which reminds me, drink this.
What?
What is that?
It's herbal.
It's from Japan.
It's Japanese.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Sure it is.
Why don't you boost your yang?
Uh-huh, whoa.
It's going to drive your lady wild, or your fella, whatever you're in.
No, uh, okay, fine.
I think, Lyle, I'm just going to pass on that, if that's all right.
You're lost, Dr. Zayas.
Wow, wow.
Um, wow.
I'm sorry, and I hate to be pestering, I don't think you can smoke in here.
No, no, no, no, I've done this for you.
Yeah.
But now you owe me, and I'm going to collect.
Okay, but I think, Lyle, you should be going, really.
Yeah.
I'm going, Dave.
Uh-huh.
I'm going to act like you didn't just push me away.
Uh-huh.
I'm going to pretend that you appreciate what it is that I'm doing for you.
I'm going to break down your walls and get to your gooey cream center.
Yeah.
I'm going.
Okay.
Thanks, Lyle.
Good to see you, buddy.
Lyle.
Lyle, wow.
Lyle, the intern.
I'm telling you.
Yeah, happy to have him.
I think, let's do a pilot with him.
I think.
Wow.
Thanks, Paul.
How you doing?
How you doing?
Good, thanks.
I'm just kind of standing backstage watching you, watching you work it.
Uh-huh, yeah.
It's beautiful, man.
It's like watching a lion stalking its prey.
Now, you're an intern, right?
That's right.
You're Lyle.
Lyle?
Is it Lyle?
It is me, Lyle, the intern.
Yeah, yeah.
And it is you, David, king of the jungle.
Rawr.
Lyle, what department do you work with?
I'm here.
I'm there.
I float.
I'm a floater.
Floater, right, right.
You know, we're doing the show.
We're right in the middle of the show.
I know.
You work it.
I just want to watch you.
Well, I wonder, Lyle, if we could maybe talk later.
Well, we could, but I want to talk to this Dave, you know, the funny one, not
the one
who sits in his office all day muttering to himself and cleaning his guns.
Well, I'm not sure that's exactly fair, but.
Okay.
Well, is it not fair, Dave?
I mean, last time I was here, things got kind of dirty.
I feel like Lyle maybe came on a little bit too strong.
Uh-huh.
So I brought you something.
Oh.
Oh, that's nice, Lyle.
But you know what?
I don't even remember the last time you were here.
Oh, I do, sir.
I remember it well.
Do you mind if I open this now?
These do, I insist.
Got nothing in here, Lyle.
It's whatever you want it to be, David.
I'm just smacking your bag.
I'm just smacking your bag.
I got you this.
There you go.
Bro.
Oh, you have one.
I got one, too.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Meow.
What?
That's extra creepy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I will see you around the crowd, broheim.
Broheim.
All right.
Thanks, Lyle.
Wow.
I mean, he even walks creepy.
Did you notice that?
What?
Yeah.
Wow.
Wow.
Hi there.
Cello, my brother from another mother.
I know you.
You're that intern, right?
Affirmative.
Lyle rhymes with style, and I go the extra mile, if you know what I mean.
Hey, can I say something to a friend of mine at home?
Sure.
Hey, Donnie.
What's up, man?
Thanks, Dave.
Lyle, is there something I can help you with?
What?
What?
What's so funny?
You, man.
Everything you say, it's gold.
But, you know, I didn't say anything amusing then.
You don't have to, Sweeney.
You got the gift.
Got to tell you, I'm pretty jealous of whoever gets to hang out with you on the
weekends.
I don't know if it's your wife, your girlfriend, Paul over there, your pool boy,
whatever it is you're into.
There's got to be Laugh Central USA up in that piece.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Lyle, let me try this again.
Why are you out here?
Come on.
You think I forgot?
I don't know.
I don't forget my boy's birthday, the big day, the big event, the big...
Well, thank you.
Thanks, Lyle.
We are going to go large.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
You really didn't need to do something.
Oh, God, yes, I did, because this city is our oyster, so let's start shucking
it.
Okay, fine.
Yeah, I'm going to give you a little present.
Oh, thanks, Lyle.
Do you mind if I open it?
I insist.
Okay.
Oh, my gosh, look at this.
Wow, thanks, Lyle.
It's a Metro card.
See that?
Right there?
Thank you.
I don't, um...
Pay one price, ride all night.
You know what I'm saying?
Used to get up to my place.
I'll be there, busting it, trying to get my neighbor and her auntie show up,
too.
It's going to be hot with two T's, baby.
Well, that's great, Lyle.
I really don't know what to say, honestly.
That's fine, Mommy.
What?
I don't know why you're doing this here.
I mean, we're friends.
We're amigos.
We're compadres.
We're shorties, David.
Yeah.
But I'll keep chip, chip, chipping away at the wall you got built up around
yourself.
Don't you worry.
I'll get through it.
Lyle doesn't give up.
And I've cracked bigger nuts than you, bitch.
Is it any turn?
Is it any turn?
I was told that he had a very good interview on the phone.
That's good.
Paula Abdul.
Abdo.
Hi.
Hi.
Can I help you?
Well, thanks, Shinebox.
I'm good.
I'm sorry?
Shinebox?
Yeah.
That's what you are.
You're that intern, right?
You knows it.
L-Y-L-E Lyle.
Lyle, yeah.
I mean, my L-U-N-C-H branch.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
You want to nibble?
No, I don't think so, Lyle.
Thank you very much.
It's rocking American cheese.
It's crazy delicious.
I see.
Now, Lyle, we've been through this before.
Is there something I can do for you?
Because you know we're right in the middle of a show.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, right.
You know, I was backstage watching one of those celebrity dancing programs.
Yeah.
You've got to get on that show, man.
Really?
I mean, you've got the moves.
You feel the vibe.
You've got the body.
Yeah.
You know, it's right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You've got that long, slender, loin-y body.
Okay, all right.
You've got the body of a Greek god.
Okay, Lyle.
With Fran Turquentin in his heyday.
Exactly.
Now, tell me and the folks what it is you do here on The Late Show as an intern.
Well, I just try to stay out of your way, lady.
I mean, you come in here, you have your afternoon coffee,
and you start screaming and yelling and smashing equipment.
People have no idea what goes on.
It's cool, though.
I'm here to clean the puke off your shirt.
What?
I'm sorry?
What?
Now, that was very unpleasant, Lyle.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Shut the hell up, David.
Okay.
I mean, I keep your secrets, man.
I keep your weird, terrible little secrets.
I see crazy monkey shh every day in this place.
But it all stays right here.
Okay.
Thanks, Lyle, I guess.
But, oh, my God.
Where has the time gotten to?
I think maybe you have time for you to go now.
I'm sorry.
That's cool.
Let's don't gag the rhino.
Right, exactly.
I got places to be.
I mean, my posse's backstage.
My boys Stefan and Ronnie.
Really?
Oh, there they are.
Are they all right?
They're all right.
But tonight, we're going to go hit on the tourists at the Mamma Mia.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We got room for one more in the Krizu.
No, no, I'm busy.
Thanks anyway, Lyle.
You say no.
You say no, but your heart is screaming, yes.
I mean, you can't stay locked up in here, David.
You got to run free.
Tear it up, you filthy caged animal.
You can't stay a virgin forever, Biatch.
Okay, great.
Lyle, the intern, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Intern Lyle.
Is that right?
Kind of, yeah.
That's right, Buzzcut.
But let's knock off the chit-chat and get down to the nitty-gritty, okay?
Okay.
The nuts and the bolts, the yin and the yang.
I'm here to help you.
Yeah.
I don't really feel like I need help.
Oh, I think you might need some help.
I was watching backstage.
You need it.
This audience.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, this audience isn't buying what you're selling, man.
They want to see celebrities losing weight.
They want to see bisexuals dating.
They want to see sports bloopers.
And they want to see monkeys doing it.
I, I, you know, I'm not sure we need that, Lyle.
Trust me, Froggy.
Trust me.
I'm plugged in.
You know how many friends I have on the MySpace?
No, I, no, I don't.
30.
Well, that, that doesn't seem like that many.
Thousand.
No, no, I don't believe that.
Well, who cares what you believe, Grandma?
You're from Mars.
Uh, I, I think we have to, Lyle, if you'll excuse us, we have to continue with
the show.
Oh, I like that attitude, Pudzo.
Keep it moving.
Like a shark.
Like, you got to keep swimming.
Keep swimming.
Stop swimming.
You die.
Exactly.
All right.
That's right.
I got some big plans for tonight, though.
Okay.
As soon as this little, uh, talent show is over.
Right.
Me and my girlfriend, Carol, are going to go see some speed racer.
Oh, is that right?
Yeah.
Oh, is that Carol right there?
There she is.
Hi, Carol.
I didn't forget about you, big guy.
Carol brought a little slice for you, too.
Hey, Aunt Fran.
Aunt Fran.
Thank y