Name: CBS Mailbag: The Foul-Mouthed Librarian Goes Hollywood | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-06-13T15:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS Mailbag: The Foul-Mouthed Librarian Goes Hollywood | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS Mailbag: The Foul-Mouthed Librarian Goes Hollywood | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-13. Transcript available.

Okay, and now it comes time for the ceremonial presentation of tonight's
letters.
I'll be speaking Span-wish.
Spanish.
Span-wish.
All right.
I'll be speaking Span-wish.
All right.
Letter numero uno.
Ah.
Letter numero uno.
Uh-huh.
Letter numero uno!
There you go.
The ceremonial presentation of tonight's letters.
In Spanish.
Actual letters from actual viewers.
Dear Dave, when you and Paul go out for dinner, who usually picks up the tab?
Sincerely, Elizabeth Leonard from The Internet.
Well, Elizabeth, this is an excellent question.
Excuse me, David.
Excuse me.
Let me answer this one.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It would be my pleasure.
When we go out to dinner, Paul, give me a break.
No, can I please?
Yeah, let me.
It would be my pleasure to answer this letter.
No, let me answer the letter, all right?
Listen, you got the last one.
You got the last one.
Let me get this letter.
No, please, seriously.
Let me get this one.
You got it before.
Give me an opportunity to answer this letter, all right?
All right.
Okay.
The answer to your question, Elizabeth, is that Paul and I usually argue insincerely,
and
the answer to your question.
Letter, numero dos.
Numero dos.
Letter, numero dos.
Letter.
Yeah.
Numero dos.
Numero dos.
Numero dos.
Dear Dave, what exactly is it that you drink out of your cup on the show?
Sincerely, Jason Hedean.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a great question, and here to answer it for you,
please welcome
the president of the Late Show Fan Club, Cliff Sussman.
Cliff, come on out.
There he is.
Hello to Cliff.
Good to see you, Cliff.
How have you been?
Oh, terrific, Dave.
Or as you said in show number 225, I think I'm feeling a little woozy, kids.
Well, that's just great, Cliff.
Why don't you tell everybody what's in my mug?
What's in the cup?
Dave, we've come up with an easy way for anyone to remember that, and it goes
like this.
Okay.
First add water, then add heat, skim milk, Sanka, Nutra Sweets.
Cliff Sussman, ladies and gentlemen.
Cliff Sussman.
Addaboy, Cliff.
Dave, uh, one more thing, Dave.
Uh-huh.
What's that, Cliff?
Could I sit in the guest chair?
Uh, well, sure, fine.
Make it quick.
We've got a big show.
Hurry, quick.
Get over here.
Get over there.
That's good.
Okay, that's great.
Okay, fine.
All right, beat it.
Beat it.
Time's up, Cliff.
Okay.
I love you, you gap-toothed funny man.
All right, thanks, Cliff.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Ah, let's see.
Numero tres.
Numero tres.
Ah, let's see.
Numero tres.
Numero tres.
You don't need to mock me.
I don't feel like you need to mock me exactly.
Uh, dear Dave, lately, Bob Dole's campaign image seems unclear.
I think he needs a snappy bumper sticker.
Well, who doesn't?
Can you help me pick one?
Bill Myers, Wichita, Kansas.
Uh, yeah, we can do that for you, Bill.
We can help you pick out a new bumper sticker.
I have some here.
I had some printed up when I saw your letter earlier today.
I said, well, I'll print some of these up and stick them together so I can't
possibly pull
them apart.
There.
All right, there's one right there.
There's a Bob Dole bumper sticker.
Ask me about my great, great, great, great grandchildren.
Right there.
Okay, that's a good one.
Yeah, sure.
Here's one.
Look at this one.
Honk if you want to test my miracle ear.
That's pretty good.
All right, and here's another one.
I kind of like this one.
How's my pulse and breathing?
Call 911.
Ladies and gentlemen, that was our 10,000th really cheap Bob Dole is Old Joke.
You know, he has been...
Thank you.
He's been a great sport, so what do you say we give him a nice hand?
Ladies and gentlemen, how about a nice welcome for Bob Dole?
Bob, come on out here.
There he is.
This guy's about my age.
No, he's old.
He's not that old.
He's about my age.
All right, I'm going to skip letter number four.
I'm going to skip letter number numero cuatro.
I'm going to go right to numero cinco.
Letter numero cinco.
Letter numero cinco.
Yeah.
Letter numero cinco!
Yes!
Yes, sir!
I enjoy hearing him say it.
Dear Dave, letter numero cinco begins.
Whatever happened to the foul-mouthed CBS librarian?
Sincerely, Mark Valparaiso, Indiana.
Well, Mark, you're talking about Kathleen, the foul-mouthed librarian.
She hasn't been on the show recently because she's been, you know, working on
other projects.
Like many television performers, she's trying to break into movies, a film,
that kind of thing.
In fact, she had a small role in the blockbuster of the summer, Independence
Day.
Here, take a look.
Kathleen.
Is this briefing, Captain Hiller?
No, sir.
Just a little anxious to get up there and whoop E.T.'s ass.
Let's kick those limp mother back to Mars.
Kiss my ass, you f***ing space.
Thank you.