Name: CBS Mailbag: George Clarke's 4th of July Party Of Love | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-07-04T15:00:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS Mailbag: George Clarke's 4th of July Party Of Love | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS Mailbag: George Clarke's 4th of July Party Of Love | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-04. Transcript available.

Ladies and gentlemen, do me a favor, via satellite, say hello on his late show
CBS Mailbag 2000 tour, Biff Henderson Map Across America Summer Tour.
Say hello to Biff Henderson, here he is.
Nice to see you, Biff. Each Friday night you're traveling to a different
wonderful part of the United States.
Let me run it down. First, you were at the Grand Canyon. Remember that?
Yes, I do.
That was beautiful there. It was very windy, and you were nervous about toppling
in.
That's right.
Yeah.
Next, you went to the Aloha State, Hawaii, right there on the ocean, and also
kind of windy there.
Yeah, but nonetheless beautiful.
Exactly.
Tonight, Biff, oh no, wait a minute. Then June 28th, you were at the Statue of
Liberty.
That's right, Dave.
That's right. All right. Tell people where you are tonight, Biff.
I am at one of the most impressive sights in the world, Dave.
Niagara Falls.
Niagara Falls, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey.
Oh.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's amazing, isn't it?
Let me ask you a question.
Is it true that at night they turn the falls off?
Ah.
No, I don't think so.
Have you heard that?
I've never heard that before.
Would you mind hanging around tonight to check that out for me?
No problem.
All right.
No problem.
Now, Biff, as always, you have the map there, you have the pointer, you have
the colorful pushpins.
When I read the hometown, the town of origin for the mail, you will locate it
with the pointer
and indicate it with the colorful pushpins.
That's correct.
You have four chances.
You get five points for each hometown.
A perfect scorer gives you 20 points.
Good luck.
Thank you.
All right.
Biff Henderson in Niagara Falls tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
Boy, it looks nice up there, doesn't it?
Letter number one, dear Dave, what are your plans for the 4th of July?
Jeremy Carlson, Duluth, Minnesota, Biff, Duluth, Minnesota, way up north, I
believe.
Duluth, Minnesota, far north of the Twin Cities, Duluth, Minnesota, land 10,000
lakes or something
like that.
Easy.
Okay.
Easy, my friend.
You got it?
Here we go.
Duluth, Minnesota.
All right, there it is.
He's so good.
He's so good.
He's razor sharp.
He's lightning quick.
He's Biff Henderson, map genius.
Yes.
All right, so he locates the first town correctly.
That's five points.
The letter, what are your plans for the 4th of July?
Well, it was Thursday, and I stayed home.
Nothing.
You know, I don't go nowhere, and I got no friends.
I just stay in the house.
You know George Clark, our building engineer?
Very well.
I understand he had quite a party.
Oh, there he is.
Yeah.
Is that true?
He had a big 4th of July party?
It was fantastic, Dave.
We watched the fireworks on TV.
Uh-huh.
Fireworks on television.
Yeah.
And that was it?
Yeah.
I can just remember it.
Oh, whoa, it's got a thing going there.
He's got a...
What a great 4th of July.
Look at the fireworks.
Oh, beautiful, beautiful colors.
Oh, man.
Oh, beautiful.
All right.
Who's ready for some hot monkey loving?
All right.
That's what I like to hear.
All right.
Now, George.
Now, first of all, that was Tony Orlando, wasn't it?
Are you sure?
That looked to me like it was Tony Orlando.
That was you?
Now, honestly, is that really what you did on the 4th of July?
Well, okay, Dave, you got me.
To tell the truth, it was more like this.
Oh, I see.
Now we'll get the truth.
Oh, look at those fireworks.
Oh, that's nice.
Great.
That's great stuff.
Oh, man.
Oh, look at those.
Look at that stuff.
All right.
Who's ready for some hot monkey loving?
I am.
All right.
All right, George.
That's fine.
You've had your little fun and games, but honestly, I'll give you one more
chance.
Really, what did you do on the 4th of July?
Okay, I'm sorry, Dave.
Okay.
It was more like this.
All right, good.
All right.
Who's up for some hot monkey loving?
All right.
All right.
Building engineer Tony Orlando, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Sure, thanks, Dave.
All right.
Letter number two.
Dear Dave, if you could have plastic surgery, what would you change?
Caitlin Hildebrandt, Yukon, Oklahoma.
Yukon, Oklahoma.
Biff, that's odd.
Yukon, Oklahoma.
Never heard of Yukon, Oklahoma.
Good luck down there in the Sooner State.
Boy, look at that.
What a beautiful shot.
Are you getting any spray there, Biff?
Yeah, a little bit, Dave.
A little bit.
Yukon, Oklahoma.
That thing's going to be tough.
I've never heard of Yukon, Oklahoma.
Oh, shit.
Think of that more, you know, like Alaska maybe.
Northwest Territories, yeah.
Yeah, the Northwest Territories, exactly.
Yukon, Oklahoma.
Yukon, Oklahoma.
Oh, there it is.
You can hear the falls now.
Yeah, that's great.
Look at that.
You're getting a little spray there, like wind.
You can finally hear them.
Yeah.
It's still beautiful, though.
You know...
Huh?
How are you doing?
Down a...
What?
Well, you don't see it on the map, but it's down around Durant.
Now, how do you know that that's where it is if you don't see it on the map, Biff?
Well, that's where it is now.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Give him another five points.
He's two for two here tonight.
Congratulations.
There you go.
Why not?
Sure.
Look where he is.
Well, he's working with the triple-A.
The question, have you ever thought about plastic surgery?
Oh, I think about it all the time.
That's all I think about.
The first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning,
last thing I think about before I go to sleep,
and if I'm lucky, I dream about it.
You know what I thought I'd do?
I want to get down there to Mexico and maybe have an eye job or something,
but before I do that...
You're going to go to Mexico to have an eye job?
Yeah, they do great work down there.
I didn't know that.
And it's less expensive.
I see.
But before that, I want to just kind of get my feet wet with the Botox.
Oh, I heard about it.
Oh, the Botox.
You know, you get the bacterial injections in your head.
That's right.
And I almost picked up the phone,
and then I saw a commercial for the Botox on television,
and I said,
No, no, no.
Really?
Watch.
Maybe you'll feel the same way.
The Botox.
Wow.
Worried about losing your wow?
Ask your dermatologist or plastic surgeon about Botox Cosmetic,
or call for the name of a doctor in your area.
It's not magic.
It's Botox Cosmetic.
Botox is not for everyone.
Side effects may include nausea, headaches, local numbness, swelling, eye
irritation, bruising,
burning sensations, temporary weakness, sensitivity to light, drooping eyelids,
full blood symptoms,
reticle, paresthesia, flushing, mild depression, hyperactivity, difficulty, swallowing,
exhaustion,
hair loss, memory loss, loss of appetite, dry mouth, sexual distress,
and other people.
And I'll tell you what, I have many of those symptoms now.
Oh, you can't, yeah.
No wonder you're having second thoughts.
Okay, letter number three.
Dear Dave, could you speak French?
Heidi Bikaze, I'm sure I'm not Hindi, I'm sure I'm not pronouncing the last
name properly.
Paris, France.
Oh, Biff, Paris, France.
A European entry.
Biff, you're going to have to flip the map a bit.
I bet, yes I do.
Look at that, though.
How great are the Niagara Falls, though?
Isn't that lovely?
Oh, it's just that.
Be careful.
He's flipping the map.
Oh, he's having trouble flipping it out.
It's like a scene from a Hitchcock movie, doesn't it?
Oh, gee, I think.
All right, there he goes.
Paris, France.
This is easy money.
This is money in the bank, Biff.
Biff, are you on the American side or the Canadian side?
I'm on the Canadian side.
You know, Niagara Falls is two different cities and two different countries on
the same border.
And so you're on the Canadian side?
You're at the Canadian Falls, is that what we're looking at now?
No, I'm on the American side.
Ah, that's what he said.
That's what he said.
All right, thank you, Biff.
Paris, France.
You found Paris, France right there?
Okay, three in a row, 15 points.
Congratulations.
I don't have the head, the ear for languages.
I just don't know anything.
I can't, you know, I just can't.
I can't speak French.
It's impossible.
Some people have, like, a natural ear for a language.
Yeah.
Alan Coulter, for an example, our announcer, you have a good ear for languages,
is that correct,
Alan?
Any language.
Do you speak French?
I don't.
I speak a little bit of French, but I have the ear for all languages.
You've got the ear.
All right.
Have you traveled abroad?
Have you been to France?
I was in France, and I was able to pick up different phrases that I heard by
just listening to
the locals.
Uh-huh.
And when you hear them, you will know why French is really known as the
language of love.
It's very obvious.
Oh, sure.
Yes.
Let me show you.
Okay, fine.
The language of love.
Okay, very good.
Editor number four, Dear Dave, how can I become the next Paul Schaefer and lead
my very own
band on a late-night talk show?
Thanks, Eddie Ingram, El Centro, California.
El Centro, California.
Biff, the golden state.
El Centro, California.
My guess is that it would be right in the middle.
El Centro, California.
El Centro.
There he is.
Biff, don't you?
Do you have anybody helping you up there, Biff?
El Centro.
El Centro, yeah.
El Centro, California, Dave.
Well, it's not north.
It's not central at all, is it?
Right down there on the border.
Down there close to Kiwana.
Kiwana.
Okay.
Kid wants to know, Eddie Ingram, how he can become a late-night talk show band
leader.
And, I guess, Paul, do you have any advice for the kid?
Yes, I do have some advice, and it goes a little something like this.
Well, if you have some skill as a musician, and you find that you envy my
position, then
luck has come your way, because here is what I say.
But, basically, you've got to kiss a lot of ass.
I, I, I advise.
Yeah.
That's about right.
Thank you, Paul.
My pleasure.
I hope the kid can use that advice.
My pleasure.
All right, let's go back up to Niagara Falls and total up the towns.
We had four cities tonight.
Biff identified each one correctly, with the possible exception of that mystery
town in Oklahoma.
Five points to town. He got them all right.
20 big points. Congratulations, Biff.
Thank you.
Biff Henderson, ladies and gentlemen,
on the Late Show CBS Mailbag 2002 Map of the Lost America Summer Tour.