Name: Dave's Summertime Fun Gifts | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-07-09T15:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Summertime Fun Gifts | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Summertime Fun Gifts | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-09. Transcript available.

You know, ladies and gentlemen, summer is more than just the freewheeling
season of TV reruns, heat prostration, and urban unrest.
It's a time to make lots of impulse purchases of lightweight and trashy leisure
time products that will fall apart long before Labor Day.
We have some of them for you here tonight. Let's take a look at them now, shall
we?
You know, it's true. Outdoor barbecues.
The studio is alive with elves.
It's true that outdoor barbecues are lots of fun, but every conscientious chef
will want to remind his guests that hovering just above the grill is the ever-present
shadowy specter of death.
With this lovely and thoughtful apron, which reads, charcoal broiled foods
contain known carcinogens.
Just a warm-up. You know, there's no better way to beat the heat than by
sucking down an ice-cold Slurpee or two.
But, oh-ho, those blinding headaches that occur when you do it too fast.
Well, now you'll have to drink it slowly, thanks to this scientifically
designed heat exchanger,
which warms the Slurpee safely below the pain threshold.
How you doing? Can you get any out of that?
Give it another try there.
Okay, thank you very much.
Bye-bye.
You know, the thing about summer is headaches.
Boy, headaches are a common summertime problem, and nothing gets rid of a throbbing
skull like a good scalp massage.
But who has the time?
Well, now everybody has the time, thanks to this, the ingenious massage hat.
Let me put it on and activate it for you.
Also comes in a pants model as well.
Uh, moms, here's a fun way to guard your youngsters against sunburn.
It's the sun lotion lawn sprinkler.
It makes sure your children get sun protection even when you're not there.
Later, you can all try on the massage hat, all right?
Yeah, yeah, we need another lawsuit.
Ever wonder what summer's like for a noted playwright-actor, Sam Shepard?
He stands on the shore of a secluded lake, eyeing Jessica Lange as she steps
naked from the water.
Her proud body glistening in the sun as water drips from the mass of curls
surrounding her perfect face.
Well, of course, we can't give you that, but we can give you the next best
thing,
a clump of wet hair which is chemically identical to Jessica Lange's.
All you do is hang it up on your air conditioner at your own home and it's like
having Jessica Lange sopping wet in your living room.
You know, dog lovers know that most beaches have restrictions against animals
and your beloved family pet often ends up eating your couch while you spend a
dull afternoon alone by the shore.
Well, now, your special little friend can elude the tanned Nazi beach police
with these light, comfortable, ocean-fun dog disguises.
Nisa, Jennifer, come on in.
Come on, Nisa.
Come on, Jennifer.
Come on.
Here we go.
Come here, Nisa.
Come on.
Come here.
Oh, baby.
Oh, you poor baby.
Oh, no, you poor little thing.
There we go.
Let me just get your paw.
Let me just get her paw right there.
There we go.
There.
There you are.
Okay, honey.
What the heck?
You all right?
We, I think we should probably just cut her right out of there, shouldn't we?
The dog is now lapping up the tanning lotion.
Okay.
Thank you, Nisa.
Bye-bye.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, we get a suit from the kid, we get a suit from the dog.
You know, every Commodore knows it's the first law of the sea.
Keep your hands on the wheels at all times.
Or the wheel, I'm sorry.
Keep your hands on the wheel at all times.
Wouldn't want to screw up a classic joke like this one.
Keep your hand on the wheels at all times.
On the wheel.
Only on the one wheel.
Keep your hands on the wheel at all times.
But of course, that's not easy when annoying and deadly sea insects swarm your
face, is it?
What's the solution?
Of course, it's the epaulette fly swatter.
It's the epaulette fly swatter.
It's the epaulette fly swatter.
It's the epaulette fly swatter.
It's the epaulette fly swatter.
It's the epaulette fly swatter.
Now, Larry, do me a favor and later don't tell us that you lost your hearing
because of this thing.
You all right?
Okay, good.
Is that it?
Are we all done?
Everybody all set?
Most of the people involved in tonight's presentation are now phoning their
attorneys.
Well, we have a wonderful program for you tonight.
Actress, actress, actress.
Yes, we have an actress with us.
Very good with wood and kindling and so forth.
Doing a little whittling presentation tonight.
Tawny Welch will be joining us.
John Waters and a paper airplane contest coordinator.
A coordinator?
Oh, God.
So far, Mr. Alan Hammond will be joining us.
So please, come on back.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.