Name: Viewer Mail: Dave Thanks The Fans | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-07-11T15:00:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Dave Thanks The Fans | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Dave Thanks The Fans | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-11. Transcript available.

- David, you know, this is the only show I watch on TV.
- Yeah?
- What about you?
- Yeah, I watch this show every night, fervently.
- Is it the only show you watch?
- No, I watch some other shows.
- What else? - "Fishing with Orlando."
I watch that.
- Yeah.
- You know, I have a tip.
Are you gonna be dining out over the weekend?
- Certainly.
- This is a foolproof tip I used it the other night.
You go into a restaurant and you want to ensure
great service for you and your party, okay?
- Okay.
- Say, Paul, you and I are at a restaurant.
- Just the two of us?
- Well, or three of us.
Say, you and me and the band.
We're all there. - Okay, the six of us.
- Now, they come, yeah.
They come over, try this the next time you go out.
They come over to take your drink order,
and as they're getting your order, say,
we're waiting for Peter Marshall.
- Ha, ha, ha.
You'll get excellent service. - You get great service.
- That's right.
- When you do that, yeah.
- You get excellent service.
I don't know why exactly that that works, but it's true.
You'll get wonderful service.
- Ha, ha.
He has a new show out.
- Oh, Peter does?
- Yes.
- What's the name of the show?
- It's a celebrity thing.
Kind of an all-star celebrity thing.
- That's the name of the show?
- Yeah, Peter Marshall's all-star celebrity thing.
I can't remember the name of the show.
I just saw it for the first time the other day.
It looked fabulous.
- Uh-huh.
And where did you see this?
- It's on early in the morning
on one of our fine networks.
- Uh-huh.
And it's just groups of celebrities
waiting for Peter Marshall to show up for dinner?
- That's all it is.
But they get fabulous service.
You know, the other night, what night was it, Tuesday night?
We tried to give away this $1,200 television set
because RCA is broadcasting, NBC is broadcasting now in stereo.
And we called some people in Lancaster, Pennsylvania,
George and Violet Harpel.
And they wouldn't talk to me.
It turns out they hate the show.
They saw it once and they hated it.
And it's sort of like they had a family meeting.
If Letterman calls, tell him we hate the show.
Uh, so we finally got through to them.
We were able to give them the television set.
And, uh, but they wouldn't talk on the air
until later they said they would talk on the air.
But by that time the show was over,
so it wouldn't do us any good.
But anyway, it's a George and Violet Harpel, or Harpel.
Now, has the TV set gone out to them?
It's on its way.
And so what we're going to do is try
and have these folks on the show.
See if, as our guests come to New York City.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
They're, uh, they, they sound like very nice people.
They, uh, no, I mean, actually they do.
They just, they're just not wild about the show,
but they sound like very nice people.
Uh, they're both retired
and they've lived in Lancaster all their life.
And so in a couple of weeks,
we'll try and have them on this program.
So that'll be nice.
And, uh, we'll tell them
that they're waiting for Peter Marshall.
Yeah.
It's a little like being in church here, isn't it?
Well, it's very reverent.
It's, yeah, it is.
It's actually, it's actually kind of soothing, isn't it?
Yeah.
But joyous, but nonetheless joyous.
Yeah.
It's very, very calm in here.
Yes, it is.
Very peaceful.
It's a sanctuary.
It's a sanctuary.
It's a sanctuary.
A shrine.
Okay.
Uh, this is what we do every Thursday night,
ladies and gentlemen.
We, uh, bring to you a viewer mail.
These are actual letters from actual viewers
from all over the North American continent.
And, uh, we're going to answer them for you right now.
Uh, letter number one begins.
Dear Dave, Johnny Carson has a line of clothing.
Do you?
Sincerely.
Sincerely, Eric Rosinski.
A line of clothing.
No, Eric, I, I don't have a line of clothing,
but I do have a line of popular children's stories.
Oh, here they are down here.
Let me show these to you.
It's, uh, the Slapper Turtle and his Sea Pals series.
Here's the first one I did.
This is Slapper Turtle Prices Lamps.
This one was entitled Slapper Turtle Makes a Friend.
And this one was Slapper Turtle and his Sea Pals
Down on Their Luck.
These.
I don't, I don't have a line of clothing.
I have those.
Hal, I tell you what, Hal, maybe it would help
if you called out the number of the letters tonight.
This is our direct.
Which one's coming up then?
This would be.
It would be number two, Hal.
This is number two.
This is our director, ladies and gentlemen.
Go ahead, Hal.
Call it out.
Letter number two.
Thank you very much.
Dear Dave, after watching your show for the past few years,
I feel as though we've become the best of friends.
Therefore, I'd be most honored if you would be my best man
when I marry the woman I love.
Sincerely, Jeff Draws, Royal Oak, Michigan.
Well, that's touching, isn't it?
You know, the truth of the matter is,
I used to accept this kind of invitation on a regular basis,
but eventually, it got to be more than I could handle.
And I, you know, I remember the last wedding I did attend,
however, I remember it like it was yesterday.
It went something.
In the bonds of holy matrimony,
which is an honorable estate not to be entered into lightly.
Do you have the rings?
Right here.
Tom, Bill, Doug, Francine, Steve, Ryle, Leslie, Chester,
Billy, here you go.
Letter number three.
Oh, Hal, do it right. Come on.
Letter number three.
Thank you very much.
Uh, dear Dave, what attracts roaches to their death in those roach motels?
A lot of important questions being answered tonight.
This comes to us from Maggie Pyle, Camp Verde, Arizona.
Although I believe the correct pronunciation would be Verde, as if it were a B.
Wouldn't that be right, Paul?
Camp Verde, Verde.
In Arizona, that's the way it is.
Yeah, say it, Verde, Verde, Verde.
Camp Verde.
Spelt V-E-R-D-I.
Yeah, but it's pronounced B, Verde.
Verde, that's the Arizona pronunciation.
Uh, gee, Maggie, this is an awfully interesting question.
Uh, you know, I actually have a roach motel right here, so
let's look inside and see what does attract those roaches to their death.
Uh, oh yeah, here it is, just a regular roach motel and I'll take it out of the
box and, uh,
yeah, I'll just hold it up to the camera, open it up there and see if we can
see what that is.
Well, no wonder it's the most exciting stage show in Las Vegas, Mr. Tom Jones.
Okay. Letter number four.
Letter number four. All right, Hal, don't push me, don't push me, I'm looking
for it.
Uh, dear, dear Dave, in the last three months I've gotten four of my friends to
be avid viewers of your show.
I'm wondering if this qualifies me for any kind of an award.
A loyal viewer, John Chartier, Seekonk, Massachusetts.
There is no, no such town as Seekonk.
Are you familiar with Seekonk?
Yeah.
Really is a town?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Uh, John, five new viewers translates into about, uh, 25 cents in additional
revenue for late night,
and 25 cents is just about what it costs to feed one late night staffer for one
day.
That makes you, John, a late night foster parent.
To show our thanks to you, John, we'd like you to meet your foster child.
Hi, John. I'm Jerry Mulligan, your late night foster child.
Let me tell you something about myself.
I live in a small, cramped studio apartment in an overpriced, trendy part of
New York.
This is where I work.
As my foster parent, you'll be receiving this picture I made of myself.
John, I know you've done so much for me already, but I could use a new pair of
shoes and a compact disc player.
If you could just find another 70 or 80 viewers, John, please.
Here's one of my friends. This is Chris.
He hasn't been adopted yet. He's the last to go.
What is it? Is there something wrong with me?
I can love, too.
He's been to the finest clinics in the world.
Please, John, won't you help?
All right.
Letter number five.
Thank you very much, Hal. You're doing quite a nice job.
Thank you.
Dear Dave, when you are going to read someone's letter on viewer mail,
do you notify them in advance?
Sincerely, Judd Weaselman.
Wiley's man.
Wiley's man, probably.
Kenmore, New York.
Notify them.
Oh, boy, we do a lot more than simply notify them, Judd.
Take a look at this film that explains what you can expect if your letter is
selected for viewer mail.
A helicopter whisks you to the airport.
A luxurious private jet for the flight to New York City.
And after freshening up in the posh viewer mail suite high atop the Plaza Hotel,
it's time for a shopping spree at those exclusive Fifth Avenue boutiques.
Buy whatever you like, it's all on me.
Then, it's showtime.
And after the show, the fun continues as you dance until dawn with one of our
official late night escorts.
And come sunup, it's off to Beekman Hospital's famous neuropsychiatric wing,
where a team of skilled surgeons will make a tiny incision in your cortex,
eradicating all memory of the last 24 hours.
Leaving you with a slow-healing scar at the base of your skull.
A cherished keepsake of your television debut.
My way of saying thanks for participating in viewer mail.
There you go.
Oh, we've got a great show.
John Candy, Bill Wyman, and Rory Singer.
We'll be right back.
Thank you.