Name: May We Turn Your Pants Into Shorts? | Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-07-17T21:59:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'May We Turn Your Pants Into Shorts? | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'May We Turn Your Pants Into Shorts? | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-17. Transcript available.

all right do me a favor turn on the external camera let's see what the
temperature is here
in new york city today 77 degrees now this is the way things work for us we was
so hot all day
up in the 90s and then like two minutes ago when we went on the air it started
to rain but you know
don't let that ruin anything for you instead of instead of doing what we had
planned to do ladies
and gentlemen tonight we'll just do we'll show you what we had planned to do
all right so we're
going to pretend that it's still very very hot outside and here's a little
something your folks
inside here a little snow for you folks in here go ahead turn on the snow
machines for you folks
here inside
that's what we had planned for you folks inside here the ed sullivan theater
now keep in mind it's
supposed to be very very hot outside it's not it's 77 degrees and it's raining
actually it's probably
kind of chilly out there now all right so the snow is for you folks inside here
now turn on the camera
on the marquee look at this there's the camera there's the camera on the marquee
now watch this
watch we have a speaker right here where is the speaker attention citizens of
new york city
this is mayor rudolph giuliani i am the father of madonna's child
attention citizens of new york we have spotted a twister in midtown manhattan
run for your lives
all right now now at this point the people recognize that of course i'm talking
to them
on the phone there and they're sweltering hot that's of course before the
temperature plummeted
and then i would have done this ladies and gentlemen of new york city please
enjoy a refreshing shower
and now and now because it is so darn hot it's an annual tradition with us we
were going to do
something very very exciting tonight turn on the other camera over there on 53rd
street across broadway
this is a place known as martini's restaurant paul do you have a little uh
music as we take a look at
the restaurant normally now when it's a lovely day when it's not chilly when it's
not raining there are
people dining there al fresco al fresco is that right paul is it al fresco and
we were going to walk
up and down and visit with the people but now you can see they've got them
enclosed in some kind of
shrink wrap there hi as a guy pointing out he said how much longer do you think
we can breathe in here
without oxygen now normally there would be hundreds and hundreds of customers
there and we would
tonight what we had had in mind we were going to play may we turn your pants
into shorts
but as you can see there's nobody there maybe one of these waiters would like
to try let's go right
in there hop the fence go in there hey how you doing hey wait a minute don't
run don't don't run
excuse me hi can you hear me sir my name's dave letterman can you hear me hi hi
gentlemen how's it
going boys nice to see you what's your name sir my name is jan your name is
what jan jan nice to
see you how are you jan it's hot aren't you tired of the heat out there jan no
i really like it it's
unbelievable the heat it's it must be about 110 degrees out there now huh jan
oh it's pretty
uncomfortable 120. jan let me ask you a question how would you like to play may
we turn your pants
into shorts is that a yes jan yeah all right how about your friend what's your
friend's name there to
your left what is your name sir uh okay uh jan george come on over and play
may we turn your pants into shorts yes
all right all right come on over here jan how long have you been a waiter over
there at martinis
two years it's a nice place isn't it i like it well i appreciate your help i
appreciate all the nice
things you've done with us all right pull up your apron here we go
it's time to play may we turn your pants into shorts all right here we go
you're going to be very careful paul paul paul heard a guy i know we didn't
well the legs may not be your
biggest concern. Paul. Yeah, no, we'll take care of it. Paul, there we go.
Claire, start on this guy. Paul, start on this guy right here. Can I do a
little fuel? Yeah, no, no, no. That's not for me. There you go. Nice job. There,
I'll take it. Thank you very much.
Enjoy your evening, George. Jan, thank you. Sure. Take whatever you need. All
right, let's do a, we'll take care of you. We'll do a commercial. We'll be
right back.
There you are. Thank you, George. Have a lovely evening. Thank you very much.
May we turn your pants into shorts. Thank you. All right.
She's reluctant to leave. She's reluctant to leave.
She's reluctant to leave. There we go.
She's reluctant to leave. This was no voting accident.
This was no voting accident.
This was no voting accident.
Yeah.
Hey. Hi, how are you?
Very nice, baby. Okay. Okay.
Okay.
- Stop it. What is it? - Paul! - You're just legs. - Oh, come on. You haven't
done yours yet, have you? - No, I haven't. - Come on, let's go. - These are
tight pants. - Oh, come on.
Anyway, turn your pants into shorts, ladies and gentlemen. How are we doing
here on the... John Goodman is here. Boy, these are some kind of odd pants. - I
know, they're not. - They're not. - They're not.
- Okay. - Okay, there you go. We'll finish those up. We have to pause for a
commercial and we'll finish this up in a second.
Careful. Yeah, come on. Let's cut them there and be very, very careful. Yeah,
maybe we should have sent these out.
Yeah, all right. Hi, Biff. How you doing?
What the hell was that? What the hell was that? Biff? Biff? I'm sorry. Did you
quit or something?
- No. - You didn't quit, did you?
- I didn't know we were back in a commercial. - Oh, no, no. You look like you
quit. You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine. - All right, come on. Unfinish it up.
It's anything like that.
Biff, you scared us all. You startled us all there with that thing, you know?
Be careful. Be careful.
Oh, you're all right. Yeah, watch yourself. All right, there. Now just...
That's good. Thank you. Thank you very much.
You want to take yours off, too? You want to take yours off?
You go backstage, take yours off, and then come out when you're ready, all
right?
Oh, no. Cut them. We'll take care of them. No. Take care of them. What do you
got? Like, million-dollar pants? What do you mean you can't cut those?
You can't cut a million dollars, man.
I'll take care of it. All right. All right. Fine. Get some counseling.
This is great.
I'm nice. I'm nice, I'm tell you. You know what it is. It's the heat. The heat's
gotten to everybody.
Whenever the old Mercury gets up over 70. Oh. El Diablo. Loco Diablo.
Yeah, would you like to cut your pants off? Yeah.
You know, the problem is it takes on... And look, I was cutting Paul's pants,
and look, I almost cut the tip of my finger off.
Right there. Yeah, so you see that? Just a big... Right across there. Yeah,
that would have been ugly.
Look at that.
Be very, very, very careful. All right, John. So here, you want to start?
Yeah, I'll get it. All right. Paul, come on over and help out here. Anton, let's
go.
This is what television is meant to be. Be careful. Be careful, John. Be very,
very careful.
Oh, here. Let me go over here. Biff! Oh, I can't. I can't. I can't. Biff, thank
you.
Biff! Hey, Biff! Come on out. Come on out here. Here, Biff.
Get over there. Get right over there. Get right over there. Get right over
there.
Yeah, be careful.
Oh, come on. Come on. Rip 'em!
All right. All right. All right. All right. All right, now, Biff...
Hey, Moe. Do that thing when you toss the scissors down and they're like, "This
is what it was." Did you see that? It was just like...
It was like, "Oh, my... Oh..."
I got a police activity.
Good day, everybody.
Good day, everybody.