Name: Viewer Mail: Dave Pranks His Sister | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-08-29T15:00:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Dave Pranks His Sister | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Dave Pranks His Sister | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-29. Transcript available.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Amy Carter announced that she will be enrolling in
the Memphis College of Art.
This was announced by the college president, John Slorp.
He made that announcement earlier today.
I don't have a joke here, I just didn't want to miss an opportunity to say the
name John Slorp on network TV.
I'd like to see you do better, pal.
Oh, yeah, fine, come on in.
Oh, yeah, stop playing with the ear or sit there.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, he's taking off his shirt now.
It's hot in here.
It's way too hot in here, that's the problem.
Hot and quiet.
Way too hot, way too quiet.
Thank God we're safe, though.
What the hell is going on today?
I buy a couple of pairs of socks at a store down the street.
The guy puts them in a bag and he says,
You want fries with these?
Oh, come on, come on, leave me alone, will ya?
I'm just filling in until the real guy gets here.
Oh, it's so hot.
The back of my knees are actually moist, that's how hot I am.
Now, who's this guy?
How do you do?
Mr. Pinhead in a suit.
Oh, you enjoyed that.
You're welcome.
Well, there was a Democratic fundraiser in Hartford, Connecticut, yesterday,
where people paid $1,000 to shake hands with Michael Dukakis,
or you could pay $100 to take Lloyd Benson's pulse.
Either way.
We have a great show for you folks tonight.
Buster Poindexter is here.
We have kid inventor Martin Mall.
Now, let's go to our good friend Paul over there.
Thank you.
Thank you.
God is here.
Wow.
Mmm.
Well.
Good evening.
Well, the writers got kind of nutty over the strikes.
What's that?
What's that, Paul?
Well, they got very, they got kind of intellectual.
I don't know.
What was intellectual there?
What the, the, the, the, uh...
The fat guy exploding?
Yeah, this cuff goes right over my head, you know.
That was Noel Coward stuff.
That stuff is the witty stuff, the brilliant stuff.
Hey, say hello to the Uptown Horns.
They're with us this evening.
Nice to see you guys.
Joining the band.
Woo!
Is it me or is it hot in here?
No, it's really, it's really.
And you usually insist on keeping the studio very, very cool.
It's hot.
It is warm.
It seems to be a little warm.
It's toasty here in New York City.
I heard today on the radio as I was driving in.
By the way, it took me about an hour and 10 minutes to get to work today.
So what is the difference?
Yesterday it was an hour and 40.
Today it's an hour and 10.
Difference is, uh, what is it?
Friday, less people are coming.
Yes, the difference is about a half an hour.
Thank you, man.
That's a bad sign when the audience starts supplying their own jokes.
Copy.
Wow.
You know that the heat has gotten to them as well.
Anyway, I have, I have a couple of announcements here.
Okay.
This is what you do when you make announcements.
Brian Wilson was supposed to be with us tonight.
He was, yeah.
Legendary musician Brian Wilson.
I dressed for it in honor of him, as you can see.
Founding force of the Beach Boys, Brian Wilson.
We were all very, very excited.
Has a hit album out after not recording for 20, 25 years, however long it's
been.
At least.
Brian Wilson was going to be here tonight.
He's not here tonight.
He'll be here.
When will he be here?
Thursday, August 25th.
Thursday, August 25th.
I'm jotting that down.
I suggest you at home do the same.
Oh, you babies.
We have a wonderful show.
Thursday, August 25th.
He had bronchitis.
Yes.
And laryngitis.
Bronchitis and laryngitis?
I understand, yes.
Yeah.
If he'd had one more throat ailment, he would have received a million dollar
cash bonus.
See that?
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
And then I also have to apologize to the club soda people, the people who make
club soda,
whoever the hell they are.
Because yesterday I said that if you put club soda on spots, it doesn't get
them out.
All my life, people have said put club soda on a spot and it'll come right out.
And it doesn't come right out.
So what are you...
Is the audience still here?
Did you folks have a really full meal before you came in?
So what are you saying, then, that club soda does...
Has everybody received terrible news that I don't know anything about?
Oh, no.
It's the heat.
Yeah, it's the heat.
So anyway, I said club soda doesn't work.
Yeah.
Well, it was pointed out by my intern, Penny.
Penny, your intern.
Penny, the intern, that I didn't use club soda.
I used something else.
So I can't really say club soda doesn't work.
It might work.
But in my case, it wasn't club soda.
In other words, when you performed this test, you did not use club soda.
That's right.
What did you use?
What did I use?
Yeah.
Soy sauce.
Oh, well, there's your problem.
There's your problem.
Damn, it's hot.
Yeah.
Please, someone help me.
It's so damn hot.
Ah.
Is Bridget over there?
Come on in, Bridget.
Let's get this over with.
You look great.
You look terrific.
This is Bridget Jackson.
We're going to hurry.
Don't worry.
She's getting married in a couple of weeks.
And as our gift to her and her husband-to-be, Hunter Huckabee, not to be
confused with any
Hanna-Barbera character.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I can't help myself.
I'm sorry.
We're having her on the show every night for the next couple of weeks.
And she's going to get the regular scheduled AFTRA payment.
And we're building up quite a dowry here for Bridget.
Let's take a look and see how much dough she's slapped together here.
It's Bridget Jackson's TV nest egg getting married in September.
September 3rd, I believe.
August, it was Tuesday.
Look at that.
536, 536.
Now, last night, it was $676 because you did that puppet show for us.
And you get 25 bucks extra as a snow.
More money as a specialty act.
Right.
Right.
And tonight, you get more money because you have an evening gown on.
What do you get for the evening gown?
$25.
Now, is this your own clothing?
It's very fetching.
It's as close as I can get.
And also, if you do another puppet show, you get the $701.
Right.
Right.
So, you want to do a little puppet show for us?
Sure.
To Billy the Bunny.
And then, you're going to use this money so you and Hunter can start life off
in a lovely,
comfortable fashion.
Right.
There's Hunter right there.
He's camping in Washington now, isn't he?
He's back.
He's back now.
He must be steamed.
No, he's okay.
Okay.
All right.
What's he going to do when he gets out of school?
Teach.
Teach what?
Linguistics.
Oh, that would be nice.
Yeah.
Maybe you can use the bunny in one of his seminars.
Yeah.
That would be good.
All right.
Hold up.
Billy the Bunny.
Top 10 list from the home office in Lincoln, Nebraska.
Top 10 things Edmonton still has going for us.
You know, we can see your lips move when you do that.
Okay.
As always, a lovely puppet show, Bridget.
Do you hate me now?
I'm thankful for the best egg credits.
Well, it's a nice little gesture.
I know.
We have to go.
Tonight, the category, top 10 things Edmonton still has going for it.
How much does she have now, Hal?
$24.49.
$2,500 for a week's work.
That's very nice.
Not a bad deal.
Top 10 things Edmonton still has going for it.
You know, the Oilers traded Wayne Gretzky to the L.A. Kings, but they still
have things
going for them up there in Edmonton, and here is a list of the top 10 things
that they
do have going for them.
Number 10.
Plenty of parking near Hockey Arena.
Number 9.
Good chance to see caribou mating for the kids.
Number 8.
Competition now wide open for Oilers MVP.
Number 7.
Many filling stations offer classy high-test gasoline.
Number 6.
Visiting hockey teams sure to celebrate after games, pouring money into local
economy.
Number 5.
Only six-hour drive to Calgary's abandoned Winter Olympic site.
Number 4.
New advertising rates for broadcast Oilers games, very affordable.
Number 3.
Has big, hearty laugh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's Ed McMahon.
Number 2.
Number 2.
Won't have to change Red Bulb after hockey goals so often.
Number 1.
Number 1.
No traffic jams from Stanley Cup Parade.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Three minutes to do viewer mail.
I think we can do it.
Yeah.
This is our first batch of viewer mail after the Writers Guild strike.
I don't know what this is.
Why the chair?
I don't know what that is, but the chair won't move.
Why?
I don't know.
It's the heat.
Yeah, it's the heat.
Anyway, tonight we're answering our viewer mail.
We haven't done this for five and a half months because of the strike.
The Writers are back.
We couldn't be happier.
Let's get right to the letters.
Letter number 1.
Actual letters from actual viewers, ladies and gentlemen.
Dear Dave, what are you going to do with all the letters that have piled up
during the
Writers' Strike?
Sincerely, Dean Hanson, Goodridge, Minnesota.
Well, the same thing we always do, Dean.
We read the really lame ones on the air.
Get out of here.
Thank you.
Get out of here.
Get out of here now.
Thank you.
That really short one was wearing makeup.
There, the guy in the pink.
Can you see that?
Yeah, he's wearing makeup.
Well, they've gotten very intellectual since the strike.
Fat guy exploded.
Number 2.
Dear Dave, I think I just saw the most ridiculous commercial advertisement ever.
It was Dick Clark talking about his love of Dairy Queen hot dogs.
How come we don't see you doing such ads, Dave?
Chris Fortson, Oscada, Michigan.
Well, you don't see me doing those ads, Chris, frankly, because nobody ever
really asked me.
But as far as Dick Clark goes, I don't like to criticize him.
But maybe, I think maybe he should be a little more selective with his endorsements.
I'll show you what I'm thinking about.
I was leafing through Life magazine and came across this Dick Clark ad.
Oh, yeah.
It's from the National Tar Council.
Look at this.
I'm not sure I really could have done this.
Hey, Mom.
Have Mom make you a good old-fashioned tar sandwich.
I don't.
National Tar Council is advertising more, Paul.
That's hard.
Hard to believe.
That's good to see that.
Letter number 3.
Dear Dave, even though you didn't do any shows during the writer's strike, did
you get paid?
Sincerely, John Passell and Carrie Mackey.
Madison, Wisconsin.
It took two people to write this letter.
No, I didn't make any money during the writer's strike.
Paul, did you come up with any alternate source of income during the strike?
Paul?
I was getting a little...
No, I didn't.
I didn't go.
I was kind of nervous because I...
Getting kind of jittery and nervous.
Number 4.
Yo, Dave.
Does the Marlboro man hawk up black stuff after climbing a flight of stairs
like I do?
Adam Taylor, Swarthmore, Pennsylvania.
Adam, nobody hawks up black stuff like you do.
Nobody, pal.
You are the best at hawking up black stuff.
Howard's on strike now.
Letter number 5.
Dear Dave, what was the...
Is it 5 now?
What was the cruelest joke you ever played as a child?
I once added cat chow to my brother's cocoa puffs.
Then sat back and watched as he unknowingly munched away.
That's pretty good.
Sincerely, Kelly Comfer, Tampa, Florida.
Kelly Comfer, Tampa, Florida.
Well, Kelly, what a coincidence this is.
I pulled almost the exact same joke on one of my sisters.
I remember it was breakfast one morning.
I got up really early.
We were sitting in the breakfast table.
I noticed, I noticed it's funny.
I noticed it's funny.
I noticed it even in your little dream flashback that when you were a kid, you
wore regular talk show clothes.
That's right.
We got a great show tonight here.
Oh, Martin Mall and Buster Poindexter and we have young inventors from all over
the country.
Please do whatever you have to do during this commercial and then come right
back.