Name: Dave Does Jury Duty | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-09-25T21:02:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Does Jury Duty | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Does Jury Duty | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-25. Transcript available.

Hi. Hi. Welcome to the Barbara Gay Show. It's Mary and Dave. Look who's back.
It's Mary. Hi, Mary. Welcome back. Happy to be back. You were off on assignment?
Yeah, yeah. How'd that assignment go? Oh, it was awesome. I got to tell you
something. Excuse me. Do you mind? Wait, can I tell you where I was? Yeah,
where were you, Mary? I was in Philadelphia. Oh, this is good. Pennsylvania.
Yep. What were you doing there? I went to see Pearl Jam. How about that? Pearl
Jam, ladies and gentlemen.
That was cool. Have you had them on yet? You've had them on. I have not had
them on yet. Yeah, I like them. Good show, Mary? Really good. It was totally
fun. And Philly was like a nice, cool, fun city. So she was on assignment. So
she's like the music reporter for the Barbara Gaines show. Yeah, nice going.
Nice job. Exactly. Yeah. So now here's what I was going to say. I can show you
pictures, too. Oh, you have pictures? Yeah. Let's see them. Oh, a picture would
be great. Holy goodness. This is like one of them Annie Leibovitz.
photos. Can you see that? Look at that. That's beautiful. Yeah, he's right down
there and that's
the screen. Oh, there's another one of Eddie. Wow, that's fantastic. Does Eddie
do any of that
crowd surfing we hear so much about? No. Eddie's going to be 60 this year. Any
of that pit, mud,
what are they, diving? Mosh pits. There are no mosh pits. These guys are all...
Well, this is big league
rock and roll, Mary. Yeah, it's really cool. Now, I go out and around here and
there, limited
activities and when I run into people, oh, you know, we watched that Barbara Gaines
show and I'm
always stunned. I bet. And first thing I say, shut in? Are you bedridden? Yeah,
so I see the people
and they say, I really watched that Barbara Gaines show. You know who we like?
And I've heard this so
many times that it always puzzles me. We really like that Mary Barclay. And I
say, that's funny
because Mary has a bit of a, she's not all that enthusiastic about being on the
show. And I mean that
with great deference. And they say, yeah, yeah, that's what we like about Mary.
We can tell she wants
no part of you, meaning me, and the show. So take it for what it is. Thank you?
Yeah. I think we're lucky to have her.
I agree. Thanks, everybody. Let me just say a few words about this Mr. Beast.
Because when you first
invited me on your little tiddlywink outing here, I thought, who's the biggest
name in YouTubing? And it
turns out it's Mr. Beast. He can open his front door, sit on the porch, put on
his shoes. That's a half
billion hits right there. Right. Clicks. What do you call them? And so I
thought, hmm, this can't be on the
level. Well, it turns out Mr. Beast may spend the rest of his life in prison.
Mr. Prison. Yeah.
Mr. Beast Prison. Because he was, he's running a show. And now people are all
upset because they,
they, uh, uh, Mr. Beast wasn't kind to them. And, and many people have found,
uh, they didn't get
enough to eat and they were not happy. So now they're suing him. So we'll just
see. And then,
so Mr. Beast. I thought his whole hook was kindness. His whole hook. He sounds
like Ellen. Are you sure
you're not talking about Ellen? Wait a minute. Ellen didn't feed him a crow. I'm
sorry. Mary's right.
Forgive me. This is all stuff I heard about Ellen, who, who was nothing but
nice to me whenever I was
on the show. Yeah. Forget that. It's not Mr. Beast at all. Thanks, Mary. I
appreciate that. Wow. Boy,
is my face red. What a boner, huh? You've been in town, uh, on jury duty. That's
right. I'm in town.
I was just down the street. I thought I'd drop by, uh, for the last, uh, well,
I've been,
what are we in now? We're in now in September. I just shortly after Easter, uh,
down there at the
Southern district of New York where they're not kidding around. And I want to
tell you something
about jury duty. And this is the last time I was called a jury duty. A guy
called me over and he
said, what are you doing here? And I said, well, I got a thing to be on jury.
He says, you're not
going to, nobody's going to pick you. And I said, well, let's just wait and see.
So we waited to the
end of the day. Guess what? Nobody picked me. Right. And so now many years
later, I'm called to
serve. This is a federal criminal court, Southern district, district court of
New York.
And the, the buildings are stunningly beautiful. Uh, the courtrooms are
gorgeous. I mean, it's show
ready down there. I think didn't, uh, uh, Beverly Hills, nine one two one Oh do
the shoot down
there or something? Oh, law and order. Law and order is what I'm thinking of.
Beverly Hills. That would have been odd. Uh, but anyway, first you just let me
preface my remarks
by saying the people are so nice, except today I went through there and I get,
I was late. Uh,
and sometimes you go to one building, sometimes you go to another building and
they're all enormous.
And so this time I had to go to another building. So the security place was in
the place I'd ever
been. And you got to turn in your items. And I was, because I'm late and I'd
been yakking
to a fellow juror. Uh, the, the guy running the big x-ray machine said to me,
listen, focus,
listen to what I'm saying. And honest to God, no one's ever said that to me. Uh,
but now I understand
why, but everybody's very nice down there. I should have tried that a few times.
Focus. It's not too late,
Barbara. Yeah. It's too late for me, sadly. Uh, but I'm, uh, oh, and three, uh,
went through the
one year, uh, process three times. How'd you feel about getting rejected from
jury duty? It hurt my
feelings. It hurt my feelings. Don't want to get picked, but you kind of want
to get picked. You
kind of, you don't know where rejection is. Rejection is never ameliorated. It
still stings.
And, and now I'm feeling like, well, who am I? Circus boy? What do you mean? I'm,
I can't sit here.
You're an American citizen. Exactly. And by the way, I demand justice.
Uh, so the first one I got knocked out and then what I didn't realize, but
later it made sense.
Everything you say in the voir dire process is public record. Right. And so
after I was in the voir dire
the first time, the next day people were saying to me, yeah, I read what you
said in court and I was
puzzled by this and someone had taken my comments during the voir dire. How
many times do I have to
invoke that by the way? As many as you can. Voir dire. Hello. Uh, so then, uh,
and, and finally I was
upset that nobody was picking me. And so I, I said, I went to, I had to call a
sidebar. You, you know what
that is, right? Sure. It takes place in the voir dire. Just you and the judge.
Me and the judge and the defense
attorneys and the prosecutors. So we're all huddled up over there and they turn
on this giant white noise
machine, which was delightful. I just dropped off to sleep immediately. And, uh,
the judge says, yeah,
what's your problem? And I said, well, I, I am dealing here with a matter of
conscience about how
I might behave in examining evidence. It's a true matter of conscience. And I
don't know if I want
this published. And she said, well, this is a public record. I, I'm not going
to be able to do anything for
you. And I said, well, yeah, but a, b, and c happened and I didn't care for
that. And she said,
oh, I didn't know that happened. How did that happen? And I said, well, the
person doing this,
no machine, by the way, just doing this, uh, I said, I don't know. And the
judge said, well,
I'll see if I can strike it. And I said, you'll see if you can strike it. Can
you strike it? And she
says, I don't know. So I was sent back to my seat. And the, the upshot of that
is
all of the other jurors, all 60 of them thought, oh, uh, letterman that tried
to weasel his way
out. And he got, yeah, with the sidebar, tried to pull the old sidebar and it
backfired on him.
And look, look, he's got his ass back up there with the jury. So you're not so
special after all.
And today I was sent home. I went in there and, uh, I, uh, talked to the woman
and I said,
uh, I, I'd like to be on a jury, but nobody will pick me. And I said, why, how
come nobody's picking me?
I know it sounds idiotic now, but at the time it made sense because it's me and
these same 60
people. And they've all seen me rejected three times now. And I said, uh, am I
just, am I wasting
your time? I always try to put someone else first. So am I, am I wasting it?
She said, well, you're not
wasting our time. And I said, well, that's good. I said, well, am I wasting my
time? Because I'll go home
if I'm just in the way here. No, no, no, no. You're fine. Everything's fine.
So I felt better. So I go back to the back of the room and a few minutes later,
the woman is standing
there. Wakey, wakey. Apparently I had dozed off. Wow. Wakey, wakey. Did you
really fall asleep?
Well, why else would she be saying wakey, wakey?
So I said, yes, ma'am. And she says, you can go home now. And I said, what? Yes,
we don't need you. And I said, no, wait a minute. Was this because of the
conversation we had earlier?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Has nothing to do with that. But I of course think that
I have now
talked my way out of my civic responsibility. So I'm just contorted with guilt.
So she finally
convinces me. And here's what she says. Listen to this one. The one of the
defendant's attorneys
in a case from which I had already voirdiered said that he had had a
conversation with me,
that his son had run into me, uh, at somewhere during the summer and he and his
son, he and me
and his son had a conversation. Therefore, uh, he, he was not legally allowed
to be a part of the case.
So you were disqualified because you had a connection to one of the lawyers.
So now once again, uh, all 60 of my fellow would be lawyers recognize that
something's up with, uh,
duck face, TV boy, TV boy is pulling something. So they see me come out and
they say, Oh, what's the
deal, Dave? And I say, we're all going home. And then listen to this on my way
out the door. And I,
I almost wept. They start applauding as I laugh. It was really very sweet. Yeah.
And that must have felt
good. Yeah, it was nice. But so now I may have to go back tomorrow and I don't
know. Get rejected all
over again. That's right. So I'm getting, I'm sort of starting. I won't say, I
don't know. I kind of
see what they're trying to pull. They just won't be down there to encourage
other people to stop.
Now you've talked about it on the Barbara Gaines show. So now maybe you've tainted
the rest of your
jury. I don't think so because this ain't Mr. Beast, but I'm telling you, I'm
glad I did it. I'm glad,
I'm glad I did it because I would have felt bad. And it didn't work out.
Sometimes you are deferred.
Sometimes you have a reason. And so it finally came together and I'm happy to
have participated.
You were very, like you were into it. When I got the notice, you said, no, no,
I'm going. This is
my civic responsibility. And what else? I demand justice. Exactly. And not
everyone feels that way.
That's right. But I will tell you, if even if you're not on a jury, just a trip
over there,
and I have no idea where it is, the law center, what do they call it? Little
law town? Law and order
drive. Law and order drive. It's beautiful. It is really cool. Yeah. And the
people are really
friendly. And they were happy to see me. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine that. Everyone's
always happy to see
Dan. That's not, that's not true. That's pretty true. A lot of times I have to
run,
run for my life. Uh-huh. Anyway, what do you think? Wrap it up? It's not my
show. I think it's my
show and I'm wrapping. Well, how can we get more people to watch this? Well, I
think, if anything,
I think we're getting less people watching. You should get Mr. Oh. Oh my God.
So it's actually
starting to tank? I don't know. Oh my God. All right. Well, Walter says we're
fine. Get some,
and it's your mistake. You got to tell them to tap the ding and slap the. Oh
yeah. Tap the ding,
slap the whoosie. I'm glad you. Slap the what? Whoosie. Slap the whoosie. Glad
you. And then I told
her I wanted you to slap the whoosie. You know what I'm saying? Thanks for
coming and see you soon.
Goodbye. Don't forget the vote. Sidebar. Can I have a sidebar right now?
Yeah, you can have one right now. What do you need? I just want to go.
You want to go home? I just want to sneak out the sidebar.

Dave Does Jury Duty | David Letterman

Hi. Hi. Welcome to the Barbara Gay Show. It's Mary and Dave. Look who's back.
It's Mary. Hi, Mary. Welcome back. Happy to be back. You were off on assignment?
Yeah, yeah. How'd that assignment go? Oh, it was awesome. I got to tell you
something. Excuse me. Do you mind? Wait, can I tell you where I was? Yeah,
where were you, Mary? I was in Philadelphia. Oh, this is good. Pennsylvania.
Yep. What were you doing there? I went to see Pearl Jam. How about that? Pearl
Jam, ladies and gentlemen.
That was cool. Have you had them on yet? You've had them on. I have not had
them on yet. Yeah, I like them. Good show, Mary? Really good. It was totally
fun. And Philly was like a nice, cool, fun city. So she was on assignment. So
she's like the music reporter for the Barbara Gaines show. Yeah, nice going.
Nice job. Exactly. Yeah. So now here's what I was going to say. I can show you
pictures, too. Oh, you have pictures? Yeah. Let's see them. Oh, a picture would
be great. Holy goodness. This is like one of them Annie Leibovitz.
photos. Can you see that? Look at that. That's beautiful. Yeah, he's right down
there and that's
the screen. Oh, there's another one of Eddie. Wow, that's fantastic. Does Eddie
do any of that
crowd surfing we hear so much about? No. Eddie's going to be 60 this year. Any
of that pit, mud,
what are they, diving? Mosh pits. There are no mosh pits. These guys are all...
Well, this is big league
rock and roll, Mary. Yeah, it's really cool. Now, I go out and around here and
there, limited
activities and when I run into people, oh, you know, we watched that Barbara Gaines
show and I'm
always stunned. I bet. And first thing I say, shut in? Are you bedridden? Yeah,
so I see the people
and they say, I really watched that Barbara Gaines show. You know who we like?
And I've heard this so
many times that it always puzzles me. We really like that Mary Barclay. And I
say, that's funny
because Mary has a bit of a, she's not all that enthusiastic about being on the
show. And I mean that
with great deference. And they say, yeah, yeah, that's what we like about Mary.
We can tell she wants
no part of you, meaning me, and the show. So take it for what it is. Thank you?
Yeah. I think we're lucky to have her.
I agree. Thanks, everybody. Let me just say a few words about this Mr. Beast.
Because when you first
invited me on your little tiddlywink outing here, I thought, who's the biggest
name in YouTubing? And it
turns out it's Mr. Beast. He can open his front door, sit on the porch, put on
his shoes. That's a half
billion hits right there. Right. Clicks. What do you call them? And so I
thought, hmm, this can't be on the
level. Well, it turns out Mr. Beast may spend the rest of his life in prison.
Mr. Prison. Yeah.
Mr. Beast Prison. Because he was, he's running a show. And now people are all
upset because they,
they, uh, uh, Mr. Beast wasn't kind to them. And, and many people have found,
uh, they didn't get
enough to eat and they were not happy. So now they're suing him. So we'll just
see. And then,
so Mr. Beast. I thought his whole hook was kindness. His whole hook. He sounds
like Ellen. Are you sure
you're not talking about Ellen? Wait a minute. Ellen didn't feed him a crow. I'm
sorry. Mary's right.
Forgive me. This is all stuff I heard about Ellen, who, who was nothing but
nice to me whenever I was
on the show. Yeah. Forget that. It's not Mr. Beast at all. Thanks, Mary. I
appreciate that. Wow. Boy,
is my face red. What a boner, huh? You've been in town, uh, on jury duty. That's
right. I'm in town.
I was just down the street. I thought I'd drop by, uh, for the last, uh, well,
I've been,
what are we in now? We're in now in September. I just shortly after Easter, uh,
down there at the
Southern district of New York where they're not kidding around. And I want to
tell you something
about jury duty. And this is the last time I was called a jury duty. A guy
called me over and he
said, what are you doing here? And I said, well, I got a thing to be on jury.
He says, you're not
going to, nobody's going to pick you. And I said, well, let's just wait and see.
So we waited to the
end of the day. Guess what? Nobody picked me. Right. And so now many years
later, I'm called to
serve. This is a federal criminal court, Southern district, district court of
New York.
And the, the buildings are stunningly beautiful. Uh, the courtrooms are
gorgeous. I mean, it's show
ready down there. I think didn't, uh, uh, Beverly Hills, nine one two one Oh do
the shoot down
there or something? Oh, law and order. Law and order is what I'm thinking of.
Beverly Hills. That would have been odd. Uh, but anyway, first you just let me
preface my remarks
by saying the people are so nice, except today I went through there and I get,
I was late. Uh,
and sometimes you go to one building, sometimes you go to another building and
they're all enormous.
And so this time I had to go to another building. So the security place was in
the place I'd ever
been. And you got to turn in your items. And I was, because I'm late and I'd
been yakking
to a fellow juror. Uh, the, the guy running the big x-ray machine said to me,
listen, focus,
listen to what I'm saying. And honest to God, no one's ever said that to me. Uh,
but now I understand
why, but everybody's very nice down there. I should have tried that a few times.
Focus. It's not too late,
Barbara. Yeah. It's too late for me, sadly. Uh, but I'm, uh, oh, and three, uh,
went through the
one year, uh, process three times. How'd you feel about getting rejected from
jury duty? It hurt my
feelings. It hurt my feelings. Don't want to get picked, but you kind of want
to get picked. You
kind of, you don't know where rejection is. Rejection is never ameliorated. It
still stings.
And, and now I'm feeling like, well, who am I? Circus boy? What do you mean? I'm,
I can't sit here.
You're an American citizen. Exactly. And by the way, I demand justice.
Uh, so the first one I got knocked out and then what I didn't realize, but
later it made sense.
Everything you say in the voir dire process is public record. Right. And so
after I was in the voir dire
the first time, the next day people were saying to me, yeah, I read what you
said in court and I was
puzzled by this and someone had taken my comments during the voir dire. How
many times do I have to
invoke that by the way? As many as you can. Voir dire. Hello. Uh, so then, uh,
and, and finally I was
upset that nobody was picking me. And so I, I said, I went to, I had to call a
sidebar. You, you know what
that is, right? Sure. It takes place in the voir dire. Just you and the judge.
Me and the judge and the defense
attorneys and the prosecutors. So we're all huddled up over there and they turn
on this giant white noise
machine, which was delightful. I just dropped off to sleep immediately. And, uh,
the judge says, yeah,
what's your problem? And I said, well, I, I am dealing here with a matter of
conscience about how
I might behave in examining evidence. It's a true matter of conscience. And I
don't know if I want
this published. And she said, well, this is a public record. I, I'm not going
to be able to do anything for
you. And I said, well, yeah, but a, b, and c happened and I didn't care for
that. And she said,
oh, I didn't know that happened. How did that happen? And I said, well, the
person doing this,
no machine, by the way, just doing this, uh, I said, I don't know. And the
judge said, well,
I'll see if I can strike it. And I said, you'll see if you can strike it. Can
you strike it? And she
says, I don't know. So I was sent back to my seat. And the, the upshot of that
is
all of the other jurors, all 60 of them thought, oh, uh, letterman that tried
to weasel his way
out. And he got, yeah, with the sidebar, tried to pull the old sidebar and it
backfired on him.
And look, look, he's got his ass back up there with the jury. So you're not so
special after all.
And today I was sent home. I went in there and, uh, I, uh, talked to the woman
and I said,
uh, I, I'd like to be on a jury, but nobody will pick me. And I said, why, how
come nobody's picking me?
I know it sounds idiotic now, but at the time it made sense because it's me and
these same 60
people. And they've all seen me rejected three times now. And I said, uh, am I
just, am I wasting
your time? I always try to put someone else first. So am I, am I wasting it?
She said, well, you're not
wasting our time. And I said, well, that's good. I said, well, am I wasting my
time? Because I'll go home
if I'm just in the way here. No, no, no, no. You're fine. Everything's fine.
So I felt better. So I go back to the back of the room and a few minutes later,
the woman is standing
there. Wakey, wakey. Apparently I had dozed off. Wow. Wakey, wakey. Did you
really fall asleep?
Well, why else would she be saying wakey, wakey?
So I said, yes, ma'am. And she says, you can go home now. And I said, what? Yes,
we don't need you. And I said, no, wait a minute. Was this because of the
conversation we had earlier?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Has nothing to do with that. But I of course think that
I have now
talked my way out of my civic responsibility. So I'm just contorted with guilt.
So she finally
convinces me. And here's what she says. Listen to this one. The one of the
defendant's attorneys
in a case from which I had already voirdiered said that he had had a
conversation with me,
that his son had run into me, uh, at somewhere during the summer and he and his
son, he and me
and his son had a conversation. Therefore, uh, he, he was not legally allowed
to be a part of the case.
So you were disqualified because you had a connection to one of the lawyers.
So now once again, uh, all 60 of my fellow would be lawyers recognize that
something's up with, uh,
duck face, TV boy, TV boy is pulling something. So they see me come out and
they say, Oh, what's the
deal, Dave? And I say, we're all going home. And then listen to this on my way
out the door. And I,
I almost wept. They start applauding as I laugh. It was really very sweet. Yeah.
And that must have felt
good. Yeah, it was nice. But so now I may have to go back tomorrow and I don't
know. Get rejected all
over again. That's right. So I'm getting, I'm sort of starting. I won't say, I
don't know. I kind of
see what they're trying to pull. They just won't be down there to encourage
other people to stop.
Now you've talked about it on the Barbara Gaines show. So now maybe you've tainted
the rest of your
jury. I don't think so because this ain't Mr. Beast, but I'm telling you, I'm
glad I did it. I'm glad,
I'm glad I did it because I would have felt bad. And it didn't work out.
Sometimes you are deferred.
Sometimes you have a reason. And so it finally came together and I'm happy to
have participated.
You were very, like you were into it. When I got the notice, you said, no, no,
I'm going. This is
my civic responsibility. And what else? I demand justice. Exactly. And not
everyone feels that way.
That's right. But I will tell you, if even if you're not on a jury, just a trip
over there,
and I have no idea where it is, the law center, what do they call it? Little
law town? Law and order
drive. Law and order drive. It's beautiful. It is really cool. Yeah. And the
people are really
friendly. And they were happy to see me. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine that. Everyone's
always happy to see
Dan. That's not, that's not true. That's pretty true. A lot of times I have to
run,
run for my life. Uh-huh. Anyway, what do you think? Wrap it up? It's not my
show. I think it's my
show and I'm wrapping. Well, how can we get more people to watch this? Well, I
think, if anything,
I think we're getting less people watching. You should get Mr. Oh. Oh my God.
So it's actually
starting to tank? I don't know. Oh my God. All right. Well, Walter says we're
fine. Get some,
and it's your mistake. You got to tell them to tap the ding and slap the. Oh
yeah. Tap the ding,
slap the whoosie. I'm glad you. Slap the what? Whoosie. Slap th