Name: Joaquin Phoenix Just Wants To Be Held | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-10-03T15:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joaquin Phoenix Just Wants To Be Held | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joaquin Phoenix Just Wants To Be Held | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-03. Transcript available.

welcome back to the show thanks it's good to be back you have a great name i
love i love the name
i love saying the name joaquin phoenix thank you very much thank you much yeah
it's good to be
back i feel like my career is really taking off you know following the guy with
the hot dogs
really you can see him really going no need to be snotty oh i'm sorry i
actually enjoyed it
it was now when you were here before you had uh something with haywire with
your teeth or something
you had dental problems it's something about the show it happened again now
right yeah like extreme
oral surgery and motorcycle accidents before i come on your show really yes
well now what was the
matter with your teeth let's take that oh oh my goodness you got like several
stitches here on your
forehead yeah i did but that that's the motorcycle accident no that was that
was the dentist thank
you very much god that was terrible it's awful i apologize i'm very sorry are
you are you in pain
from either of those things now um no i'm okay i think yeah well you would know
okay i know i always
look to you though to help me out thank you very much i appreciate that i
consider myself to be a
mentor yes absolutely absolutely uh how long and what is the nature of the
dental problem i don't really
know i'm asking you what's your advice no i don't know i have i think i just i
need a root canal i have
some some nerves that are just very unhappy did somebody have you been to a
dentist let's just start there
well i did i was doing press for gladiator in in rome actually and i was at a
hotel so they said
they'd bring a dentist in for me ah hotel dentists are the very best oh yes yes
yes
so she came in and i i looked for the the bag and there's no bag sure she she
picks up a steak knife
basically off the table it says open your mouth so what are you gonna do she
puts the thing in my
teeth and starts tapping it's just does that hurt they say you're damn right it
hurts you got a steak
knife inside me so that didn't go so well and uh both the story and the you're
fine
don't be so hard on yourself what's the problem relax no no no no stay away
from me oh just give in
give in
all right they'll still love you now have you uh have you have you been to an
to an american dentist i haven't because i didn't want to come to the show all
goofed up on painkillers
and swollen face and stuff so i'm waiting till after i'm leaving from here to
the dentist yeah
well what do you say we give those painkillers a try
i i asked the producer he said do you need anything and i asked for some heavy
sedatives
and they refused yeah you got to get in line for those my friend
what about you now let's go to the head injury what happened how did this
happen that looks like
it's fairly new is that recent uh it's a couple weeks ago it's it's so
embarrassing it's really
humiliating i wish i wish i was doing something cool on a motorcycle but i just
i took my friend's
bike for a block i was supposed to go to a cafe and i took it for a block and
in the car
bird there's a thing called a floater i don't know like a butterfly i'm totally
making that up i don't
know what it is but it supposedly regulates the intake and outtake of gas i don't
know what that
is either and it basically this is a true story and it got jammed so i was
going to the stop sign and
it got jammed and so i let go of the throttle but instead of slowing down i sped
up and i went through
the stop sign and i you know i should have been smooth and pulled in the clutch
and slowly applied the
brake but i didn't and i just did that irrational thing where you start
screaming at the bike and i'm
just saying stop stop stop and i don't know why i just wanted to stop and and i'm
roaring down the
street and then a chihuahua no this is no it's not a chihuahua it's a chihuahua
with hair the thing with
hair the small thing this is totally that's a rat it was one of those it's what
we call a new york city
chihuahua precisely and you never see them without a leash but for some reason
my luck this one doesn't
have a leash and i just thought pita and i slammed on the front brakes and i
did a thing called an indo
i don't know what it's called but the front end of the the back end of the bike
comes up and i went
over and i slammed into a a nice french cafe oh the tables and people diners
are right there they
saw they were there they were there but it was lucky it was good food and it
was it was a nice place
and i and it was fine i'm really i'm really making it cheers so yeah same view
so so you're kind of
having a water by the way oh great i told you that last time you guys have
something special oh yeah
who who invited me on this show what's going on where's my wife we'll have that
meeting later
i mean i thought that's the last time hey let's uh uh uh now where did you make
the uh the movie the
gladiator movie this thing's like two two hours and 45 minutes and it was shot
was it shot entirely
in malta partly in malta or partly we shot in uh england and morocco as well
what was what was malta
like oh wow really really special place really yes yes yes it's yeah
was i supposed to say something funny about malta geez i i i don't know i wasn't
there no i don't
want oh god they will still love you if you hold me i know i know they
apparently haven't fixed the
gas leak in the green room
well before i get this is a dollar from scott cosi great i wanted to give to
you great give
scott my best okay it's a very special i haven't heard from him in a long time
yeah well you'll you'll
when the time is right good have him give me a call right okay okay okay thanks
so my sister rain i'll tell you what let's do let's look at a little bit of the
uh the film gladi
you're sure that you wanted to do that yeah yeah yeah i'm dying i'm dying to
see the movie the big the
big roman spectacle they they tell me that the digital uh special effects of rome
ancient rome roma the
eternal city are spectacular that's what i hear also yeah who do you play in in
the film uh i basically
fetch water for russell crowe but you're you're like you're like an emperor oh
yes that's right oh my bad
i'm the emperor that fetches water for russell crowe no yes i play i play the
emperor i'm so bad i'm
i'm really apologize that's all right that's right i'll never after that
motorcycle thing did you have
a checkup
oh come on hug me come on
yes oh no come on
let's let's take a look here we're going to show them a clip of the uh movie joaquin
let's okay good huh wow gladiator
joaquin phoen phoenix ladies and gentlemen we're right back with a mighty
mighty boss
let's go