Name: Don Rickles Roasts Denzel Washington & Dave | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-10-07T15:00:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Don Rickles Roasts Denzel Washington & Dave | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Don Rickles Roasts Denzel Washington & Dave | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-07. Transcript available.

Don, how are you?
Jesus.
I can't believe it.
What a buildup.
You're great.
You're great.
Now I'll talk to the dummy.
Don.
How are you, Dave?
I'm good.
Happy New Year.
Good to see you.
Oh, good to see you, Dave.
Happy New Year.
Thank you very much.
Happy New Year.
Like, you got up on New Year's Eve and said,
I wonder how Rickles is.
Sure.
I'm always thinking about you a little bit.
Sure you are.
And I'm Adolf Hitler.
Now, wait a minute.
Why did I say Adolf Hitler?
Yeah, now, Don, I, um, you don't have to laugh.
Just look at me and, you know, I, uh, I heard that you.
Why is he sitting here?
Does he have to clean up or something?
No, he, he wanted to be out here.
Ah, you're a big star.
You're tired of me of war and everything else.
And he's sitting there with a little Jew.
Oh, you're not going to go anyplace with me.
Now, listen, I, uh, speaking of not being in somebody's movie.
Why are you pointing?
I'm here.
I see.
I think this is the district attorney for crime.
Now, there's this wonderful documentary about your life on HBO.
Correct.
All of your friends, I'm not in it.
Because you hide out.
No, no, no.
No, you're in the Midwest sitting there with your child and your girl and
nobody knows what the hell you're doing.
That's it.
I'm not in it.
And you sit there with a, with a cowboy hat going, I'm not going to be on with
that Jew.
No.
Anyway, I wish, I wish.
It was interesting about Denzel the doctor.
That was great.
Big star.
20 minutes with Denzel the doctor.
Yeah, well, no, it was, it was, I found, I found it fascinating.
Yeah, well, sure.
That's why you got this show.
Yeah.
But anyway, I enjoyed the documentary and it must have been a great experience
for you.
It was, it was exciting.
John Landis, the director.
But it was a shame you weren't in it, Dave.
I know, I know.
And that's not right, Dave.
We've been friends a long time.
Exactly.
And you're not that big that you can't be in it.
I know.
Well, I wanted to, I tried to be in it.
Don't beg now, don't beg.
The guy, the guy comes into town and he says, okay, I'll be here two days.
And I said, well, I'm not even in town.
And he said, okay, goodbye.
Yeah, well.
How do you think that made me feel?
I hope bad.
What a while.
Denzel, you weren't in it.
I wanted to be.
Don't you need to holler at me, Denzel?
We all wanted to be in it, Don.
Denzel wanted, no, Denzel was busy doing movies.
He does everything.
Direct, roll him, print it.
Direct, roll him, print it.
His sons playing football, go 27 blue, 27 blue.
But you've had quite a film career yourself.
Oh, I'm bigger than him.
Yeah.
You, uh, you worked with Clark Gable.
Remember Clark Gable?
Yes, sir.
Oh, boy.
Burt Lancaster.
Yeah.
First movie I ever did.
Came on the, on the, in those days, it was United.
And, and it was a submarine picture.
They didn't go on location.
I talked to him because I could go someplace with him.
Fair, fair enough.
If he's sweet enough to sit here when I'm on, I gotta talk to him.
Oh, I see.
All right.
Because you, it's once a year and goodbye.
I know, I'll be back tomorrow.
Yeah.
What do I care?
This man, you know, one phone call and there we are.
Denzel and Don Rickles.
I don't see that happening.
Like Frank, that's wrong.
Yeah.
It's Rickles and Denzel.
Yeah.
That's right.
Because that happened at Radio City Music Hall.
It was Don Rickles and Frank Sinatra.
You know, we worked together.
You remember Frank Sinatra.
Yes, sir.
He was great.
The rest of the song.
I say a lot of funny things about him because he's dead.
Yeah.
If he were alive, I wouldn't be saying that.
I'd be sitting here going, walk on, walk on.
Okay, now that's enough.
Now, so anyway.
See, when that guy sings, the kids get worse.
Oh, now, now listen.
Well, I forgot what I was going to say.
Oh, I know.
Well, you're something.
Alzheimer's, Alzheimer's.
I can tell.
No, Clark Gable.
The glasses are fogging up.
I can tell that.
Alzheimer's.
You're working with Clark Gable.
Why do you keep doing this all the time?
You've got a little box in your hand?
What the hell's there?
I think I'm working with a magic guy.
This is a good expression.
Do that in a movie.
Yeah.
All right.
I remember a story.
Speaking of Frank Sinatra, you're all in the French Riviera.
The French, what do they call it?
French Riviera.
Yeah, right.
That's what I call it.
And you're at Monaco, someplace like that.
Monaco, that's where it was.
And you're having a big dinner.
You, Frank, Frank's buddy, Jilly.
Yeah.
A lot of folks.
Well, what really happened is Frank Sinatra
was a great man to me.
He was a great, great booster of mine.
And I traveled with him to Europe.
We wound up in, as you said, the Riviera
on one of the trips, my wife and his wife and so forth.
And he'd send all the wives, whoa.
He'd send the wives, go to bed.
You've got to go to bed.
And you've got to sit with him and drink the vodka, you know,
which I didn't mind, but on the third barrel.
I used to sit there and think I was on the Titanic.
I like my vodka, but it started dripping down the pants.
Not good.
So anyway, we're sitting there in this bar.
And it's about 5, 6 in the morning.
Frank's going, to the king, to anybody, you know, boom, boom.
The summer wind.
And so we're sitting there, David, and we're having a drink.
And Jilly and I, rest and soul, we're sitting.
And lightning comes.
And it's a big bay window by the bar.
Ba-ba-boom.
Ba-ba-boom.
And Frank's drinking.
He said, I want you and Jilly to go out
and tell them goddamn photographers
to stop taking my pictures.
And Jilly went out.
Jilly and I went out in tuxedos like morons in the rain.
Thank God the storm stopped.
He came back and said, it's over, Frank.
It's stopped.
It's stopped.
He said, good.
Because otherwise, we'd be walking around in a wheelchair.
But he was great.
He did a lot of crazy things.
Am I right?
His wife and your wife have the same name?
Frank's wife and your wife?
What are you, a detective?
Yeah, I'm a detective.
That's right.
I mean, you come up with these remarks.
They have the same names, don't they?
This is a one-hour show,
and a dumbbell comes up,
and they've got the same names.
Let's go back to Dr. Denzel.
It's occurred to me that I...
What a night this has been.
Finding out who we know and what our names are.
That's right.
Sure.
Now, Denzel was...
There's medication for that, Dave.
Man makes $40 billion a year,
and he sits there with two major people going,
eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
Denzel was talking about his, did a movie about a guy who was organized a
criminal.
Yes, sure.
The gags is magnificent.
Yeah.
Now, did you, a long time ago in Las Vegas...
They're all dead.
Stop being nervous.
They're dead.
Did you have any relationships or acquaintances?
Yes, yes, I did.
Experiences?
I worked there.
I headlined the Copacabana many, many years ago,
and everybody came in and sat ringside and going,
at what time does he go on?
And they all had the little sling guns.
They're going, oh, the kids, the kid better...
They had your problem.
The kid better be funny.
Anyway, so there was one guy, I won't mention his name.
He was an important, very well-known gangster.
And my mother pretty, God bless you, if she was alive,
she would have been great with your mom,
because my mother was sort of a Jew Patton.
And, you know, my mother was the type of person saying,
good evening, how are you?
And I go, gee, Ma, take it easy.
Stop being self-conscious.
What's the matter with you?
How are you?
How are you?
Oh, she had a megaphone.
Yeah.
So now, she was very strong, very educated.
And we were sitting at the bar,
and a note comes on and says,
so-and-so wants to see you.
So my manager at the time, Joe Scandori,
he was my, Elliot Weissman's my manager now,
I throw that in so he don't have
a nervous breakdown in Florida.
He always talk like this.
He talk like this.
I want to put a feather on a can
and make him a bird, for granted.
Don Glover, but just talk a few minutes to him,
and that's it.
That's it.
Dave, I'm over here.
I understand.
Would you look over here?
I'm talking.
He's looking at the monitor, 75 feet away.
Anyway, so Dave, so Dave, so we're sitting there,
and walk over, and I sit down and say,
hi, guy, hi, Guido.
They're all Guido, Tony, or Carmine.
I see.
There's no Irving or Max.
Jews don't do that.
We own the club, and we do what they tell us.
Anyway, that joke could cost me.
So we're sitting at the table, and I start to talk,
and my mother walks over.
She says, I'm sorry.
Tony, we'll say it's Tony.
Tony, darling, there's no conversation.
The boys must put the guns on the table.
I swear to God.
And all of a sudden, cannons come out on the table.
All the guns are on the table.
She says, now talk to them.
And I sat there like a moron while guns were sitting there
for kind of hours.
Wow.
Are you focusing now?
I'm right there with you.
Now, I know we're running late,
but I have a favor to ask you.
Who cares?
In an hour, they'll shut it off.
Okay.
Tell us the story about the time.
If I could.
Now he thinks he's a ruler.
Yeah.
About the time Frank Sinatra saved Shecky Green's life.
Please tell us the story.
Well, all I know is that Shecky at the time,
I don't know, you know, it's Shecky's story.
They got after him because he was kidding around.
He said something about some mob guys,
and I don't know, they didn't like it.
And it's really not my story.
And they caught him in a backstage,
in a hotel,
and they started beating him up.
They were beating the crap out of him.
And Jilly walked over,
and Frank walked over,
and Frank said,
I think that's enough.
Saved the man's life.
Saved the man's life.
Listen, Don, always a pleasure.
Congratulations on the documentary.
Oh, this is the brush off.
You have to go.
Come on.
It's you and the star.
Come on.
You can stay here.
Don Hooker.
Kenzo Washington.
Congratulations, gentlemen.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.