Name: Dave's Halloween Horror Story | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-10-31T15:00:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Halloween Horror Story | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Halloween Horror Story | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-31. Transcript available.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Halloween, and I want to take this second here to
plead my cause.
I'm tired of the trick-or-treaters coming to my house.
I like the little fairy princesses and the little ghosts and the little pirates
and on and on.
But if you're driving to my house to trick-or-treat, I don't want you.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
If you're actually driving and smoking on your way over to my house,
do me a favor, don't even get out of the Taurus.
Just hit the road, go down the street.
I'm tired of talking to ex-marines when they come trick-or-treating, you know
what I'm saying?
God bless you kids.
Be very safe out there.
Hey, ladies and gentlemen, it's Friday night.
That means one thing, one thing only.
We open up the old CBS mailbag.
That's not a rental, is it?
It's not a rental.
You own it.
You made it.
You made it.
Is there plenty of room in there for active squatting?
Yeah.
All right, good.
These are actual letters, by the way, from actual viewers.
And I believe, Paul, you'll back me up on this.
By the way, is that a costume?
I believe you'll back me up on this.
We are the only show on television today that cares enough about you, the home
viewers,
to actually answer the viewer mail.
Am I right?
What about 60 minutes?
Oh, screw those bastards.
Weasels.
I'll tell you something about 60 minutes.
God bless them, but the combined age of the guys on 60 minutes, a thousand.
Actual letters from actual viewers.
Here we go.
Dear Dave, letter number one begins, how do you know where to stand when you
come out to do
your monologues?
Sincerely, Sean November, Seattle, Washington.
Sean November, that's kind of a nice name.
Lovely.
The question here, how do I know where to stand when I come out at the start of
the show?
Well, we can show you.
Here, take a look.
Here, here's the move.
This is from my point of view.
I come out from the wings, make a hard turn to the right.
There's the audience.
I look for this there, right there.
And that's usually my indicator when I see that there.
Thank you very much.
Letter number two.
Letter number two.
Dear Dave.
Hi, Dave.
Since Halloween is coming up, coming up.
Are you kidding, my friend?
It's here, buddy.
Plug in.
Get on the rocket ship, my man.
It's here, pal.
Since Halloween is coming up and I was wondering what you do on Halloween.
See you later, Chaz D. Kubelis, Newport Ritchie.
Newport Ritchie, Florida.
The question is, what do I do on Halloween?
And pretty much the same every year.
I was thinking about what I did last year on Halloween.
And gosh, I had a pretty nice night, as I recall.
Good evening, Mr. Letterman.
I'm calling from MCI to tell you about our new long-distance race.
Can I tell you right after the show, I got to beat it downtown?
You mentioned, yeah.
It's a pretty good piece of acting, though, wouldn't it?
Yeah, I'm quite a thespian in my own right.
I don't think I get enough credit for my acting ability.
Do you think of that, pal?
Yeah.
Now, look at them little bitches fly.
That was the Hudson.
That card is in the Hudson, ladies and gentlemen.
Floating all the way up to the Tappan Z.
It goes right under the GWB.
That's your George Washington.
Yes.
Then up to the Tappan Z.
Right up.
And then beyond that is the chimpanzee.
Yes.
Letter number three.
Dear Dave, I get teased at work because I am a huge Rick Springfield fan.
It's a full life, ain't it?
I mean, this is the kind of guy they make movies about, you know?
This fellow's right there on the edge.
Well, he gets teased because he's a Rick Springfield fan.
Some of my co-workers believe that he's working at a 7-Eleven.
However, I refuse to hear it.
Thanks, Gidget Kern, Castle Rock, Colorado.
You know, Gidget, the truth of it is, and I don't really...
Oh, great.
That's a very nice touch.
That's really...
That's lovely for the kids.
That's just fine.
Set your rubber nose on fire.
Okay, do we have a CO2 thing in case he goes up altogether?
Back to the business at hand.
The question here about Rick Springfield.
Many celebrities, you know, have to re-enter the workforce when their careers
slow down.
Here, take a look at this example outside.
Right around the corner, selling hot dogs.
That's a former rap star, Vanilla Ice, right there.
On Broadway and 53rd Street, working at the Ranch One Chicken Restaurant, Donnie
and Marie.
Is that Shecky?
Good Lord, they look like Shecky.
Right, of course, there's Mr. T. He's passing out flowers.
So, you know, it's not uncommon that they have to go out there.
Oh, remember the night I killed a guy in Trenton doing that?
He's in all the papers.
All right, okay.
Oh, man.
And finally, letter number four.
Dear Dave, now that the theater...
I'm sorry.
Now that the weather is starting to get chillier, are you missing the summer?
Just wondering, Jimbo Horton from Greenport, Long Island.
You know, the truth is, my summer was pretty, I don't know, I guess it was uneventful.
I didn't really do much at all.
May I, excuse me, may I help you?
I know what you did last summer.
I have no idea.
I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.
I know what you did last summer.
Okay, fine.
What exactly did I...
You sat on your ass drinking breakfast.
Hit it, Zorro.
I'm giving you everything.
All that joy can bring, this I swear.
And all that I want from you, it's a promise that you'll be there.
And I swear to you, I'll be there.
Happy Halloween, suckers.
Happy Halloween, it's a promise that you'll be there.
Happy Halloween, it's time now to close up the old CBS mailbag.
Letters, we get letters, we get sacks and sacks of letters.
Letters!
All right.
We have a lovely program.
We'll be right back with tonight's Top 10 list and Stupid Human Tricks.
Thanks for joining us.
Thank you.